Sleep

Us praying. Meditating.

I get out of bed. It's six in the morning and the sun has not yet risen. The air feels cool and hard to the bone, my body tense and shedding the veils of sleep. He rests, still, his head reclined on a mass of pillows, his mouth slightly ajar, his chest slowly rising and falling. His face, ensconced in sleep, still betrays an innocence.

He is there. I here.

He rushes out the door in a flurry. I help him grab the essentials: wallet, phone, car keys. Earlier, I brewed coffee, boiled an egg and made him a sandwich, brought him coffee in bed and awoke him, gently. And later when I arrived with a second cup of coffee, he was already plying his stiff cock and presented it to me as I walked into the room. I take it in my own hands and gradually, faster and faster... "Bad boy. Naughty boy." He explodes all over his torso and on my hands. I lovingly clean it up.

We are what is not.

He leaves and I am alone. As per usual, stuck in this nebulous no-zone between eternity and the fixed star. The ache I feel deep in my belly pains me with a kind of grief for the day I inevitably will forfeit. There is a grand orchestra playing in my ears and I can hear the tin cans rattling, the fan vibrating, the sirens and engines and roars of distant machinery. I am encapsulated within myself, afraid of the music I mistake for noise, afraid of the day holding possibilities, afraid of the vision in the mirror. I wear myself down by my fear, whittling away until I get to the core dreaded terror of the unknown.

All is black. We are both metallic.

At some point I call her. She comes as I whisper her name. First gypsy, then priestess-whore, then vampire-witch with a cackle that would rattle the bones of the dead. And that hair, sweeping like rain across the horizon, black and silky and wavy like the sea. She hungers for me. For being me. For fucking me. Her hunger leads to a tryst and her glamours seek to feed her. There is so much pleasure in sex. We have an agreement, I sign my soul to the devil once again and writhe in an agony betwixt myself.

Lightning shatters.

Somehow I awake from the lurid dream in a new state of awareness. My fear is an invisible restraint tying me to the last vestige of my self-destruction. I have eyes unravelled, the invisible sight is like a sun unto itself. I rise to the occasion. Sunlight warms the skin like a lover's touch. There would be no courage if there was no fear. Course twine broken from the deadman's noose. And each day is a delight in the eyes of the Devil. I eat, I drink, I fuck. Therefore I am. With new resilience, the mingling of light and shadow give me over to myself and the lover I know is even more drunk on my blood.

Tomorrow is today.

The deep-seated pain is crystallizing in my awareness. Rising to the surface, bubbling forth and oozing; a bad chemical reaction. Evacuate the necessary evils. Spotlight on glowing skin, meteors falling on broken sky, mirrors pointed at poisoned objects. There is a process at work here. Excruciating yet mandatory. I am paying penance. There is a break that feels liberating. An escaping from an old shedding skin. Darkness is a diffuse glow now. Colours circle round, luminescent stars intermingle. A perfection of spirit (within body) requires change. Ever renewing. Ever rejoicing.

Us praying. Meditating.

When we meet again, he collapses into my arms. His eyes caress me, eyelashes envelope me. I am ensconced in his amore. Heaven escapes only the most benign of humans. In touch there is the angels and their trumpets celebrating. There are daemons aching for a piece of flesh. Our auras meld. Divine carnality. My heart is a prison of fear and a well of ardour. Revelations lead to profound liberation. Robust declarations of love and voluptuous pleasures are explored in one unending kiss. And all the years of suffering and self-torture are undone in the split second our bodies come together. I know a peace that can be found even in the deep darkness of the abyss that lies inside me. And happiness finds me even in the quietest of moments, even in the densest of days. I gaze at the lover before me. I find god within the beast.

And we fly. Falling.