smokeSCREEN : book6.1

"Good first time!" Anze laughs – Cat grins and holds out her hand for my tube – I give it up grudgingly.

"Should we do Silent Running?" Lisa says, "Calm everybody down?"

"Good plan," I nod.

"Silent Running…?" Justin raises an eyebrow at me.

"It means we just smoke until we're all fucked up, but we don't talk – we just think about what we're gonna' talk about."

"Silent Running starts now," Lisa says, and nods to Cat to hit the bowl.

It takes us a while to silently smoke seven grams of weed, but we get through it together.

After the second gram Lisa was lazing comfortably on Josh, and Josh was happily chain smoking. Around the third gram I noticed Justin was staring at me. It took until the fifth gram for our legs to touch – not until halfway through the seventh did our pinkies brush against each other and freeze – content. Then another finger, and another until we're gently holding hands out of everyone else's view.

I'm incredibly stoned now, but I'm trying to focus a Thought. I'm trying to make sure I remember this; We're holding hands.

"End Silent Running," grins Lisa, "Who's got one?

"I do," says Cat. "It's for you."

"What is it?"

"Are you and Josh sleeping together?"

"Cat!" Justin says.

"It's cool," Lisa shrugs. "It's Floor Meeting – we can say anything."

"Why?"

"'Cause we won't really remember it," I tell Josh.

"Really?"

"Yes," we all say.

"Then tell 'em," he shrugs.

"Yes we are," Lisa grins, gripping his hand 'till the skin turns blotchy white-and-red.

"Using protection?" Anze asks.

"Yes," Josh nods.

"What?"

"I got a diaphragm," she says. "Condoms break down after a while, so they're no good."

"What about the pill?" Josh suggests.

"Bah – read the side effects," Justin tells him, and the conversation pauses. We all smile at each other and break out laughing.

"This is a Floor Meeting!" Josh says. "That's brilliant!"

"I call a subject," I raise the customary two fingers.

"What? We stopped doin' that in like-"

"We stopped doing it – it's still a rule," Anze nods. "Call it."

"The subject of Justin and Sophie," I say. And his hands jerks away.

But I knew I should say it – why?

"Why can't we talk about that?" Cat asks.

"'Cause Justin and I are gonna' deal with that on our own, and I don't want somethin' here to catalyze whatever happens."

Either it makes sense, or everyone's stoned enough to buy it – they all nod. Justin's warm hand finds mine behind the cushion again and he sighs at himself.

"I got one," Anze says, "It's for your two again."

"Okay," Josh nods.

"How good is sex?" she asks.

"Uh… remember in movies where it made sex seem like this fantastic thing?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah – sex is very underrated," Josh smiles, but Lisa rolls her eyes at us.

What does that mean?

* * *

We talk about how the boys are integrating – we discuss Cat and Herskie – Cat's not even sure she likes him. We decide that we do want to head east, but not alone – Douglas will go to Phoebe in the morning. There's a huge talk about who would be good for Anze, though she herself doesn't suggest anyone. It was all going very well until Lisa picked up the bag for another round and discovered it was empty.

"Soph?" she says, flashing her big, pretty eyes.

"Yeah, yeah…Anze, where's your stash?"

"Empty – where's yours?" she asks.

"Empty. Justin?"

"I left mine in the guard station."

"The three biggest stoners in the Tower and we got no pot?"

"I'll go downstairs," Justin gives my hand a last squeeze before he hops off the couch and starts for the stairwell. "How much?"

"'Nother quarter, at least," says Cat. He nods, and disappears into the semidark door.

We listen to him pound down the stairs for a second, before Anze mentions,

"Huh – Justin doesn't have keys to the Growhouse." She looks across the coutch at me and adds, "Someone should should run down and help him in," before yawning and curling up in a little silver ball on her end of the couch.

Of course.

* * *

I find cigarettes before trekking downstairs – when I get to the subbasements, I see he's been going through without turning on the lights – we're not allowed unecessary power use. I get to the Growhouse and fumble forward in the complete blackness, groping at empty space as I search for the doors. I hit something warm but kinda' hard instead – something Justin-shaped.

"Justin?" I whisper, stupidly.

He doesn't answer for a second – I'm about to ask again when he says;

"Do you see that?"

I look around him towards what I think are the doors, but see nothing than the pitch dark.

"No."

I hear his Zippo flick open and the light explodes against my eye, dazzling me for a moment before I look back at the doors.

"It's nothing," he says, closing the lighter and heading forward.

Fuck, that was creepy for a second…

As I unlock the doors and push inside, I hear the hinges let out a low, deep growl. Justin hits the lights, and I finally think to ask;

"Who the fuck turned off the lights?"

The doors are still growling at me – I spin to find them perfectly closed, perfectly silent.

"Did you hear that?"

"No."

"What did you see?" I ask.

"A wolf. A big, black fuckin' wolf like Douglas – only I'm talkin' huge. Stood up on its hind legs like three meters tall. Red eyes – you didn't see it?"

His face isn't normal – it's not calm and smooth, his brow is creased, his lips trembling.

"No," I tell him. "Cypress did."

"What?"

"Cypress used to have nightmares about that wolf."

"Quit fuckin' with me."

"When I opened the doors, did it sound like the hinges were growling?"

"Cut that out! No! I saw this thing, I'm tellin' you!"

I nod and say,

"I been seein' shit down here for weeks. I got a theory, if you wanna' hear it," I motion towards the office in the back.

"Does it cover who shut off the lights?"

"Well, Reiko did that, I expect."

We go quickly into the office and I pull out my work stash and start prepping it – Justin's already lighting a pair of smokes. I remember I'm already fried, and stumble over to the leather couch. Flopping down beside him I kick off the Chuck Taylors and fold my legs beneath me.

"You're pretty fuckin' calm," he tells me.

"I'm good at being calm when other people aren't – but I can't freak out when other people do, that accomplishes nothing…" And I close my eye. Rambling again.

"So tell me about this red-eyed wolf," he says quite seriously. Seriously enough that I sit up and open my eye, taking a quick drag before I begin;

"Cypress used to see the wolf in his dreams. After a while it became clear to him that Drac – the wolf – wasn't his enemy. Drac is part of Cypress. I see weird shit down here sometimes – I've seen Cypress twice – once in a while talks to me in dreams."

"So you're sayin' I was dreaming but awake?"

"No – the wolf is Cypress's dream, and it's Cypress."

He stares blankly.

"Okay, do you believe that maybe when we die we're still like, something? A ghost or whatever?"

"Sorta', yeah."

"Cypress is here and there – and there distance doesn't matter."

"So it's like he's sayin' hello."

"Or warning us," I shrug.

"Against what?"

Shaking my head, I take another drag and look at him, smiling.

"I haven't finished that Thought yet – you'll be the first to know. But y'know what else I think about seein' him?"

"What's that?"

"I think it made me stronger. I feel like… I have more will," I nod. "Maybe you will too."

"I'm not some shrimp," he says – his eyes are a paler brown. Not warm per say but sharp. Entertaining, even.

"But things might look different tomorrow," I tell him as I stand. Time to get back upstairs, I think.

"Things look different today."

"Like what?"

I remove my pipe from the desk, and finding no pocket in my tank top or skirt, place it between my breasts.

"Like you," he says. I spin to him, grinning.

"You can dig it?" I do my hip wiggle and he grins too, now.

"Who says 'dig it'?"

"I dig the way you look in that toque," I tell him, stepping forward. But he sorta' narrows his eyes at looks down his nose at me.

"You gonna' tear outta' here again?" he asks.

For some reason that hurts, but it's probably a valid question.

"Let's be honest with each other," I say. I draw the skirt up to my knees and straddle him on the couch, smiling as that appalled look freezes on his face. "I think you're into me. To be honest I don't know why you are – I'm all cut up and I'm missing an eye – no one ever really liked me best, and I was fine with that. So…"

He's still looking appalled, but I lean down to him and let our noses brush.

"Do you like me best, Justin?"

"Are you serious?"

"I like you best." I raise my arms to do my hip waggle in his lap, and he looks more shocked than appalled – I love my hip waggle. "And I'm… bored with waiting around for the right split-second to bring it up so just tell me. Or kiss me, or something."

First one of his big hands cups my face, and he's grinning as we finally kiss. That's all it took, and I'm tingly all over. His lips are full, soft – perfect – the fuzz doesn't even bother me, 'cause now he's using tongue…

I collapse against his chest, my face in the nook of his throat, and he wraps his arms around me.

"…whoah," he says. It couldn't possibly have been as good for him… I sit up.

"Was that wicked?" I ask.

"Totally – more."

"Totally…" I smile and lean in. I feel his stubble – gently over the still-healing cuts and let my fingers scratch through his hair. I love just touching him – his shoulders – and he's stroking my throat as we kiss.

I'm kissing Justin.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I check another item off my To-Do list.

His hands are on my hips now – fingers slipping under the fabric of the lacy red tank top as our lips gently stroke and nibble. His hands are warm. Not particularly soft, but warm… his thumbs stroke my stomach and his knees push me up until he's got my neck in his mouth.

I know that sounds super-weird, but it's amazing. Tingles, everywhere – all pulling into a wet, hot gentle bite on my shoulderblade. Whoah… whoah… and I'm grinding against him…

"Whoah…"

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"We need to be… upstairs. In your room," I say. "They'll come lookin' for us."

"No they won't…" He goes to kiss me again, and I let him at first but soon pull away and say,

"Yes they will – we have to go…" I pull back, up off the couch and reach out my arms to bring him with me. "But let's be quick," I say.

"Yeah…"

* * *

* * *

i said 'what about before / before these nights?' / she said 'ask me no questions and i'll tell you no lies' / i said 'we can dance tomorrow' / she said 'we've already danced tonight / trust me baby, you'll be alight / it'll be alright'

* * *

* * *

We grab an O-bag of stuff guaranteed to put you to sleep and head upstairs, pawing each other the whole way.

I wish I wasn't stoned. I hope I'll remember this tomorrow.

We toss the bag at the others, still giggling in their circle of couches and keep right on going.

"Hey, are you guys, um…" and Cat trails off, just before I slam the door to Justin's room behind us. It's dark, except for the light let in by the office windows and he strikes a match for his candle.

For a second he's at the window and I'm still by the door, and we're uneasy. If I go to him, am I being too forward?

No – the hip wiggle was too forward – crossing a room is just crossing a room.

Though in context…?

My feet begin moving anyway, and soon I'm beside him. Even while lighting the candle he hasn't looked away, and he wraps an arm around me, slowly as I kiss him again. He clutches me tight, and the kiss becomes slower – longer – wet.

I don't know entirely what to do in this situation – what little I know I've peiced together from a children's book called Where Did I Come From? that my parents showed my older sister when she was six. That along with some pamphlets, some porn and a little masturbation forms my basic understanding of sex. Perhaps 'a little' is the wrong phraze… I used to fantasize about Cypress all the time.

"Sophie…?" I'm staring at Justin – we've stopped kissing apparantly.

"What?"

"What're you thinking about?"

"I've never done this before."

Am I nervous? No. Curious. I suppose he is too.

I shove him over to the bed and pull my shirt off – he gives the bra a double-take.

"Like it?"

He takes his shirt off – there's still a bandage on his shoulder, but most of his cuts are healing nicely. I'm very aware of the bandages on my arms now, and the not-quite healed bullet wound in my shoulder.

"Come here," he says, reaching out for me in the dim light. I let him take me by the wrist and draw me to the bed as he sits, reaching up and behind me to fumble with the clasp of my bra.

"Want help?"

"I need practice," he grins, kissing me as he finally gets it.

"Quick learner." I kiss him back and place a finger against his chest, pushing him down onto the bed. I lean over him and kiss his lips – his chin, his chest and his stomach before whispering, "Stay," and kneeling to his boots. I quickly unlace them and pull them from his feet – huh – he's got big feet. His socks come off next, then I stand up and place one my little feet on his thigh.

He unties the bows and helps me out of the Chuck Taylors before I step back and let the skirt drop.

Jesus Christ I'm naked.

...and I have a wierd sense of deja vu.

"Take your pants off," I tell him, he smiles and stands, unbuckling his belt. He reaches for me but I step just shy of him and raise a hand to my chin, contemplating him. "All the way off," I say. He does, kicking them away and stands completely naked in front of me – he's not wearing underwear. Huh. He's up.

I want to ask if that's all me – if he's thinking about somebody else. I don't. I let a finger graze my breast while I look at him, though. Scarred but strong. Sharp lines – broad shoulders, slim hips, long legs. He reaches for me again and I finally come to him – I'm getting cold.

He folds us into the bed under a soft blanket and wraps his arms around me. Warm and soft but firm and solid, it's like cuddling up with the best teddy bear in the world – he kisses me again, but I have to ask in a whisper,

"You sure there's no one else you'd rather have?"

He thinks about it – gives it a second.

"No one comes to mind, he says."

"You had to think about?"

"I'd never given it thought before – I was always about Sophie. The other girls are cool, whatever – they're still not Sophie."

"Seriously?"

"Totally," and we kiss again. Cripes, he's so charming.

Ding! An alarm bell, like an egg timer goes off in my head as he kisses my throat. He is so charming. He is probably just as charming with me as he is with Saku and Reiko. If he likes Saku, he must like Reiko, they're sisters!
And being as fabulously charming as he is, it's almost certain when they ask him if he likes only them he would say yes, just to make it charming… he's probably slept with them already.

Sophie.

He's kissing me all over now – I'm lost in thought, not really feeling it.

Why would he want me when he could have half the Tower? He's the flavour of the month, why me? It makes no sense.

Sophie, calm down.

Justin's kissing my stomach – softly. I want to grab his hair, but my arms are pinned by some unseen force above my head – I can't move them.

I'm just another conquest to him.

Sophie – breathe.

And I do.

Justin can tell, finally, that something's wrong. He wraps me up in his arms again, my back to his big chest and just clutches me tight, for a while. I fold my arms down against my chest, but hold his hand when he begins kissing my neck.

He's not Michael.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"I need a minute – I'm working it out," I tell him.

It's just like that day in the bathroom. What's wrong with me? This is what I want, isn't it? I want Justin. I'm sure that's true.

I can feel him still, hard and pressing against my back – the end even feels a little wet. And I like it – I think. I don't know.

I don't know.

A tear bursts onto my eye and runs down my cheek to hit his arm, but he doesn't react.

Jesus Christ, I'm just some fucking tease!

It's alright – he wants you to feel safe.
Not tonight. Not like this.

I'm sobbing, now.

"Sophie…?"

"I'm okay," I tell him. "I'm fine. Is it okay if I just stay here tonight?"

"Stay every night," he says. He's turned me onto my back so we can see each other's faces in the dim light thrown from across the room. "Serious."

"Totally?"

"I'm not all about impressin'you," he says. "I'm not all about sex with you. I'm all about you. Do I still getta' kiss ya?"

I smile and wipe my face.

"You better," and we kiss again. He squeezes me 'till I sqeak and we laugh, but he looks at himself under the blanket.

"How do you usually sleep?" he asks.

"I wear pyjamas, 'cause there's no lock on my door."

"There's a lock on this one."

"Is there?"

"Yeah – deadbolt from the inside."

I sit up and look at the door – indeed, it looks like one was built in and one's been haphazardly screwed into the moulding.

"Tell you what – if you go lock the door, I'll lose the underwear."

"Sounds like a plan…"

He slips out of bed and walks across to the door.

"The moon makes your butt look white," I tell him, grinning.

"My butt's white anyway," he says. "You're lookin' at my butt?"

"You've never looked at my butt?" I pout. He comes back to bed and slips under the covers.

"Actually, I look at your butt a lot."

"Why?"

"I dunno – same reason I like you – the… way it makes me feel."

"How's that."

"Just – mmm…"

"Mmmm?" I ask.

"Mm-hm."

"I make you mmm?"

"All the time."

"You never say it."

"I think it," he grins.

I snuggle my back up to his chest again and he squeezes me.

"So what now?" I ask.

"I dunno. Maybe we should like… date."

"Isn't that like watching movies together?"

"It's a really weird concept – I never really got it, myself," he says.

"Well whatever 'dating' is, it's something invented in the Old Days, so it doesn't apply here. I say we reinvent how people relate to each other."

"You mean regulate a new form of romantic pursuit?"

"Perhaps not regulate, but surely a relationship with a person is just like a relationship with say – a plant. There are rules in how it's treated and so on – we should apply rules to us."

"Like what?" he asks. He sounds skeptical.

"Okay, here's one for me; you're allowed to touch me anywhere you already have – and before you can touch me anywhere else I have to take your hand and put it there. Fair?"

"Fair. You don't kiss other guys."

"What other guys?"

"Billy, for one."

"Billy? I think I've talked to him once."

"Three times," he says. "He won't shut up about it."

"I didn't know that. You're not allowed to kiss other girls. Especially not Reiko."

"The Garden Girl?"

"Yah."

"Why her?" he asks.

"Well you said you liked Saku, and Reiko's her sister, they practically look like twins…"

"They do…"

"Point is?" I ask.

"Point is, I'm not gonna' go kissin' someone else so long as you don't."

"I won't."

"So we're set," he grins, squeezing me to him.

"We're set – kiss me." I let my arm wrap around his back while he kiss – he's so warm. Ruffling my hair and nipping at the tip of me nose, he says,