Statute of Limitations

"That answer I know. If we had talked I would have said things to you that I would have regretted. It would have hurt both of us, maybe to a point where we couldn't repair it. I also knew that if we had talked then I would not have understood anything you said. There was way too much mess in my mind to make sense of it. Besides, I was hurt and was thinking that if you suffered a little too then I would feel better. By the way, I don't feel better. At that time I just wanted you to go away. I knew that I couldn't have lived for long without you, but at that moment I just didn't want to be near you. Does that make sense?"

"It makes a lot of sense actually. I'm going to bet that all of those nasty things that you thought about me I also thought, about me. We have to be careful and let the good doctor guide us through this minefield. We can't let any thought go unsaid or unanswered. We have to go slowly and carefully."

"Joan. Can I ask you a question a bit off topic?"

"Sure, anything."

"Did you ever consider leaving me while you were with him?"

"Absolutely not! I loved you. I never once thought about leaving you. I've always said that you are my whole world. I wasn't going to give you up. I loved you. I loved you both. We haven't yet resolved that issue but I could never have given you or Tim up. I would have died."

"It's still an open sore for me. I don't know if I'll ever get it resolved. I may just have to live with it as one of life's unanswered questions. But I am glad to hear that you didn't want to dump me. Been there, done that as they say."

"I understand. Now, shut up and let's get some sun. You're entirely too pale."

It's a beautiful sunny day and the Alexander's are outside catching some rays.

**********

Four Weeks Later

"Wow! That was an eye-opener," Richard said as they came in the door after their therapy session. "Do we want to talk about this now or sleep on it? I don't know about you but I'm still wired from the session. I say we talk now, but you look exhausted."

"I'm OK. It's just hard remembering everything and being completely open and honest about sex has always been difficult for me. Hell, even saying 'blow job' out loud is rough. I'm mentally exhausted but we can still talk if you want. But, tonight I'm going to need something more that a soda."

"OK, you go relax and I'll get us something to drink." Richard gets a glass of wine for Joan and a soda for himself.

When he comes back into the living room Richard sees Joan on the couch with her head back and her eyes closed. For a moment he thinks about just quietly putting a blanket over her legs and going up to bed. But she opens her eyes and gives him a faint, crooked smile. This crooked smile was one of the things that made Richard take notice of her way back in high school.

Joan says, "OK hon, where do you want to start?"

"I don't know. How about you explaining to me what you meant when you said that he would 'rock your world' in a way different than me. I always thought that our sex life was good and that I would rock your world just fine, but evidently I somehow didn't quite measure up."

"It's not that you were any worse or better than Tim. When you and I made love we did just that, we made love. After Marc was born we rarely went crazy or tried new things. We were comfortable with what we did. We knew each other's every wish and desire. We didn't need to experiment any more. In the past we tried a lot of different sex things and found what we liked and did them. Not because we had to or because we were bored but because that is what we wanted to do. With Tim we were exploring sex all over again and some of the things that we did and liked were different than what you and I did. It's almost like we found our own comfort zone with sex."

"But you did things with him that you didn't do with me."

"No, not really. You and I tried everything. We did anal and I think between us we mutually agreed that it was OK but nothing to write home about. We did role playing and again no big bang. I remember that one time you tied me to the bed and aggressively made love to me. I liked it but I could tell that you weren't comfortable with it so we just didn't do it again. The one thing that both of us loved was oral. For me I can't get enough of you eating my pussy. I could have you between my legs day and night. Wow, what a feeling. And I love to give you a blow job. It just blows my mind when you come in my mouth. Your body is all tense and you cock is so hard and the cum is warm and musky tasting. I've come close to cumming while sucking on you many times."

"Hummmmm, yeah I love oral too," Richard says adjusting the front of his pants.

"But withTim we found things that we both loved that were different than you and me. He absolutely loved anal and I found that with him I did too. He loved to eat me and I loved to let him. Both of you had that in common. He once told me about a fantasy he had about being raped by a woman and I found an aggressive side in me that I didn't know I had. We acted it out a couple of times."

"Yeah, I read that. Thanks for reminding me."

"No, no, I don't mean to upset you. I'm just saying that when Tim and I made love we had a different set of sex acts that turned us on but in the end we still made love. I never did anything with either of one of you that I didn't do with the other. If you were into something strange like, oh I don't know, public sex then I would try it and would probably be as much into it as you were, because you were into it. Does that make sense?"

"I guess. I don't know. I'm still having trouble getting the image out of my mind of the woman I love fucking someone else. I'll probably never get over it. I just wish that every time I look at you I didn't see you on your back with your legs wrapped around him yelling, "Come on, fuck me, fuck me..." Now that you told me all of this tonight I'm going to have the image of you on all fours with his cock shoved up your ass. Just one more nail in my mental coffin."

"Shit! I didn't mean to hurt you any more than I already have. It's just that I'm being as open and honest as I can possibly be to help us heal. It hurts me just as much to say these things out loud as it does for you to hear."

"Well, we've still got a long way to go I guess. I know that we haven't made love since all of this started and frankly I don't think that I could. Sometimes I get hard thinking about you but it goes away pretty quickly when I think about you and him. This is going to be tough to get past, if I can get past it."

"I know hon. I'm here whenever you're ready. I want to have you back inside me again but only when you're comfortable. I'll wait as long as necessary. I love you and I always will."

"How are you handling this dry spell? I've never known you to go more than a few days without some release. It must be hard."

"Well I manage. I've still got fingers and a vivid imagination, so there's that. But I know that when it happens you're going to rock my world."

With the conversation at the logical conclusion, Joan and Richard go up to bed. However, they still go to separate bedrooms.

**********

Six Weeks Later

Let's see, she says looking at her appointment book on her laptop, the Alexander's are next. Hummm... Today is going to be quite a surprise for them. I hope they're really as prepared as I think they are.

Dr. Brooks gets up and goes to the waiting room and sees both Richard and Joan sitting there talking and holding hands. Well that's a good sign.

"Joan, Richard, come on in."

When everybody is seated in their usual places on the couch Dr. Brooks begins. "How's everybody today? I don't think I have any unresolved issues from last time so I'll just ask you if you have anything you want to talk about."

Richard looks at the doctor a bit sheepishly. Joan just smiles and looks at her lap.

"Well, actually I, well I mean we have something to tell you. Uh, actually, well, you see..."

Joan interrupts and simply says "we made love last weekend."

"Yeah, that!" was all Richard could think of saying.

Dr. Brooks looks from one to the other and gets a big smile on her face before asking, "So, how was it?"

"Well, actually kind of awkward" Richard says. "Nothing like it was before all this happened."

Joan never looks up.

The therapist has a pleased grin on her face as she says, "this is a big step for you two and I would expect that things would feel a bit awkward the first few times. Richard, you've had to get past all of those images in your mind of Joan being with someone else. I can imagine they still flashed up on you in the middle of your intimacy and were disturbing and difficult to get past. But it sounds like you did get past them. Let me tell you that in time they will no longer intrude. And Joan you were probably so anxious to have Richard back in bed with you that you tried too hard at everything you did and said. Richard was probably a bit hyper-sensitive and I'll bet you may have pushed a bit too much. Both of you have to remember that you must be patient with each other and talk through things when they feel wrong. You've made a lot of progress up to now in every area and sex will return to normal pretty soon too."

"Yeah, I hope so," Joan adds. She looks up from her lap and says, "This time wasn't exactly making love as much as rediscovering that we belong together. It almost reminded me of the very first time we made love over 30 years ago and how awkward that was. With the first time we didn't know what to expect from each other because we didn't know each other that well at all yet. This past weekend was awkward because we do know what to expect but were walking around the luggage we each were carrying trying not to trip over anything." Looking directly at Richard this time Joan says "We will get better, hon I guarantee it. I love you and will do whatever I have to to make you feel comfortable with me, with us. Nothing is more important to me right now than having you back with me each night. I've missed you more than you know. I need you and I love you."

"Just be patient," Richard says. "We've still got some demons to conquer."

After a long pause in the conversation the doctor gives them her news. "This will be our last session together. You two have come a long way since our first meeting and I think it's time for you to go it alone. Oh, I'll always be here if you should need me but now the best therapy is for you two to go and figure out what's normal for you now. Both of you have learned a lot about yourselves and each other, some good and some not so good. But you're still together and talking and I know deep down in your hearts that the love you have for each other is strong and deep. You've chosen to not throw that away and that's good. Now you both have to start getting those things back that you've lost. Trust is starting to grow but it's not completely there yet. Your communication is open and honest. Your sex life is starting to get back on track and I'm sure it will eventually go back to the way it was. You've both have to be patient and honor the other's feelings. With time and communications everything will return. "

"You can't forget what's happened but you can forgive and move on. Let me give you an analogy. I know a man that had a terrible accident and it left him with a large scar that went from his right ear to his left hip. When he was completely healed physically he still thought of himself as injured because of the scar. His family treated him differently. His friends could only see the scar. After a while nobody saw the scar anymore and just saw him as the person that he has always been. His wife loved him, not his scar, even though the scar was now part of him. She Loved Him! You too will have a scar, albeit an emotional one. Eventually you will not see the scar but each other's love."

"Six months from now I want you to drop me a line letting me know how you two are doing. But for now goodbye, good luck, and have a wonderful life."

They don't know what to say so they just hug the therapist and thank her for everything that she's done for them and quietly slip away.

**********

PART 4 -- Putting The Past In The Past

10 days later

It's been about a year since Richard opened Pandora's Box. He wishes that he hadn't, but he did. "It's been a year that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy," he said in their therapy session a couple times. But they're together now and the past is the past. They're living for today and the future is looking hopeful.

"Hon. Go put a fire in the fire pit so we can be warm while we talk," Joan says, her voice coming from the bedroom.

"OK," he says out loud but at the same time thinks, we could talk here in the living room just as well where it's warm and dry, but if she wants to be outside then outside we will be. She's probably got a good reason.

Richard puts on his coat, checks his pockets, and heads out to the back yard. Today is a cold day on the lake at Aunt Mary's house. There's no wind but the temperature is low enough that a fire is necessary if they plan on being outside for any length of time. Once the fire is going Richard stares out at the lake and remembers what he tried to do nine months ago. Thank God I didn't succeed, for everybody's sake. He just stares out and thinks about the events of the last year.

Twenty minutes later Joan comes out carrying the small cosmetics case. It's obvious that she's been crying. Richard hasn't seen the case since he put it on the table at Marc's birthday party. Now Joan brings it out and sets it on the ground next to the bench.

Joan looks him in the eyes touching his soul as she does, she smiles and takes his head in her hands and pulls it to hers. They kiss for a long time, tenderly, from their hearts. When she pulls back tears are streaking down her face, but she's still smiling.

"Rich, Dr. Brooks said that we need to make a gesture that symbolizes letting go of the past and committing ourselves to the future. So today I'm going to get rid of part of my past as that symbol. I hope that it helps us to heal. God I love you. I love you with every ounce of my being. I always have and I always will. I won't have anything in our lives that will prevent us from being together as one from now on."

With that said she turns and picks up the cosmetics case and opens it. She reaches in and pulls out the manila envelope with her letters and pictures in it. She sets it in the fire pit. She watches as it starts to burn and then reaches and gets the pile of Tim's pictures and letters still wrapped in the silk scarf and sets that into the fire. Tears are dripping off of her chin now. But she continues by taking the remaining paper items out and tossing them on the fire. She takes out the small Waterford crystal whale tale and tosses it into the fire. The bikini, sunglasses, sea shells, and everything else is dumped into the fire. When everything is burning she sets the case down beside her and turns to Richard. Tears are still streaming off of her face but she's smiling. She looks deeply into Richard's eyes again contacting his soul.

All this time Richard doesn't say a word. He just watches her. He thinks this must be the hardest thing she's ever had to do in her life: Saying goodbye to someone that she loved, almost like he'd died all over again. But I think we're going to be all right. He reaches over and pulls her face to his for a kiss wet with tears. They turn to sit side by side and hold each other gently. "You know, since we've got Tuesday's open again I'm going to start back at Weight Watchers," Joan said smiling.

They sit that way for a long time watching the dying embers of the letters in the fire pit. Richard slowly puts his hand in his coat pocket and pulls out a small white box. He gives it to her and says simply "open it."

Joan opens it up and sees a small gold picture frame with one of the pictures from the cosmetics case in it. It's a picture of Tim driving a car and laughing. Wrapped around the frame is the gold heart shaped locket. When she realizes what she's seeing, but not understanding what it means, she turns to Richard and gives him a wide-eyed, puzzled look.

"I can't agree with what you did or even understand how you could love two men at the same time but Dr. Brooks helped me to realize that if the roles were reversed and I were the one that died I wouldn't want you to forget me. Keep this as a reminder of that love. This is my gesture of letting go. Just do me a favor. Don't put it on the mantle."

"I love you Mr. Alexander." Joan said throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him with all of her might.

"I love you too, Ms. Alexander."