Struggling to Survive Pt. 05

I couldn't stop the tears from coming down. "I didn't expect anything Grace. I just thought you had to right to know."

With that, her wall broke. She actually fell to her knees and started crying. Instinctively, I sat down with her and tried to hold her in a sort of comforting hug. She flipped.

"LET GO OF ME YOU WHORE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE! I SWEAR IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN I WILL KILL YOU! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"

"Grace! What is going on?" another woman ran up to her, helping her up. Grace simply cried in her arms. The woman looked at me with distain in her eyes.

"I think you need to leave." She said coldly.

I felt that I should apologize again, but there was no point. The only thing that would accomplish would be to cause her more pain.

I walked out of the shop with Grace's tears in my wake. Did I feel better? Was I proud of myself for gathering the courage to tell her? Fuck no! I felt horrible. Whoever said the truth shall set your free was a complete liar.

***

"So Kara, what is it that you wanted to talk to me about?" Tom asked as he sat across from me in the living room that we used to share. His eyes were wary, yet calm.

Boy this was hard! Harder than approaching Grace. One would think that I would try to space out my confessions. But I had to do them both today. Before I lost my nerve again.

"Well, Tom. I asked you here because I wanted to tell you the truth. About everything. You won't like the things that I'm going to say. In fact, you will hate them. You may even hate me for it. But either way, you deserve to know."

He didn't say anything. He just sat there with a blank look on his face, waiting for me to continue.

So I told him everything. About the blowjob, Richard, Norman, Grace, all of it. The whole ugly truth. I didn't sugarcoat my attraction to Richard, or how he made me feel. I laid all of my cards on the table.

He didn't ask any questions at first. He seemed to be absorbing it all in. I was thankful that he didn't interrupt. I wasn't sure if I could have gotten through it if he had. When I was finished, I let silence fall between us so that he could proceed if he chose to.

"I don't know how to respond that that Kara. Did you expect me to be proud of you for getting it out? Or feel sorry for you? What the fuck did you expect?"

"Nothing Tom. I only wanted to give you the truth because you deserve to know. That's all."

He got up out of his seat and paced angrily around the room. "So what, now I just take you back? Now that you were finally honest with me, do you expect me to just pat you on the back and admire your courage? How did you think this would end?"

It was time for more truth.

"I didn't expect you to take me back. This wasn't about that. Honestly, I don't think we can go back. Our marriage is dead. I accept that. We can't go back to those two people who we were. Constantly fighting, never communicating. I can't go back to that, and I know you can't. But..."

I walked over to him and grabbed his hand.

"I want us to be friends. Real friends. I know that can't happen now. Not with all that I've told you. But my hope is that eventually, we can have a true friendship. I can't have you back as my husband, but if I lose you out of my life completely, I won't survive it."

He snatched his hand out of mine as she walked away from me. He didn't leave though. He just paced the room once more.

Then, his anger seemed to soften. He looked at me and nodded. Like he fully accepted what I said. Then he kind of huffed a small laugh.

"You fucking bitch. I should fucking hate you. But I don't hate you."

He blew another long breath out and looked up at the ceiling.

"I know that I'm supposed to feel bad for you that you felt you had to suck that asshole's dick, but I don't. I'm sorry if me calling you Jazmin brought that part of you out, but that is YOUR problem. No one should be able to make you degrade yourself. Not even me."

"I know Tom."

He looked at me and shook his head. Then he pulled me in and grabbed me close. Once I was wrapped in his arms, I broke. I was crying for the millionth time since all of this happened, but this time was different. This time, there was hope mixed in with the sadness.

"I'm so sorry Tom. I really am. And I love you." I said in between sobs.

After he comforted me, he started to leave. Even though we shared a moment, I still wasn't sure where we stood.

"Do you think you will ever forgive me? Will we be friends?"

He sighed and paused at the front door. His face was indiscernible.

"I don't know Kara. In time, maybe. But not now. It's too much, too fast. Just...give me time. Okay?"

All I could do was nod. He was about to head out, but he stopped. Without looking back at me, he said: "Thank you for the truth Kara. I appreciate it." With that he disappeared out of the door.

I felt a sense of relief. No matter what the future held for me, I felt a little bit better about it.

Hopefully the healing could begin for the both of us.

**********************************************

Richard Narrating

"Gracie, please! We have to talk!"

I sat and watched in horror as my wife packed her things into her suitcases. She didn't even give me a backwards glance as he did so.

"Gracie. How can you simply leave like this? Come on! You can't just throw everything away!"

At that she stopped and glared at me. I swear the temperature in the room dropped 10 degrees.

She didn't say anything though. She just simply continued to pack her things.

Why did she have to fucking tell my wife? Dammit Kara!

There was no talking to her. She was set on her mission. The only thing I could hope for was that she would come to her senses and forgive me. Like she did the last time. And the time before that.

I watched her storm out of the door. I grunted in frustration before I went over to my bar to make myself a drink.

The doorbell rang, and I breathed a sigh of relief. That was fast. I thought as I went to go answer it.

When I opened the door, something suddenly hit my face. Hard. It was like WHAM! My vision momentarily flashed into different colors and I was helpless. Then something hit me again, this time in the stomach. I doubled over and was left with no choice but to fall to the ground.

I heard a voice, but I still couldn't see who was talking. "Hey Richard! Nice to finally meet you. I'm Tom, Kara's ex-husband. Yeah, heard so much about you! I felt that it was time that we met."

He invited himself in as he walked over me. My breathing was labored and I prayed that my nose wasn't broken. All I could do was lay there and wheeze.

After a few moments I was starting to get my bearings back. I thought about picking myself up and rushing this intruder, but I saw the baseball bat in his hands.

How the fuck did he get past the gate? I wondered. But really, it didn't matter. He was here. In my house. Boy, what a time to leave my cell phone on the charger in my office!

He looked around and whistled, like he was appreciating my house. Then he turned back to me and looked at me. His face was a mixture of emotions. Rage. Distain. Homicidal intent. However, all of this was wrapped up in a sarcastic smirk.

"Nice place you have here. I can see how Kara would be impressed."

He leisurely walked around, taking in the surroundings. Much like Kara had done that night that I brought her here. He stopped at the pictures.

"Wow Rich! Your wife is a fox! I mean, Kara is fucking gorgeous, and I can see why you would want to fuck her, but man! You really didn't have anything to complain about."

"What do you want?" I asked him groggily as I gingerly picked myself up. His face suddenly turned evil rage.

"I'm sorry, did you actually ask me what I want? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I WANT? I want you to go back in time and UNFUCK my wife. You fucked her in the backseat of her car! Like a goddamn hooker. Then, you brought her here and tried to make her your lover. So I can't get what I really want. But, I'll settle for the consolation prize. I'll just beat you to death with this bat. And I don't mean that as a euphemism. I mean I'm going to literally hit you over and over again until you stop breathing."

As he talked he pointed the bat at me. I had never seen a man so angry. I honestly felt that he could kill me.

"Mr. Winchester..."

"Oh please, call me Tom! I mean, you fucked my wife. We are waaaaay past the point useless formalities, aren't we Rickster? Hell, we're practically brothers!" He said, bringing the sarcasm back into his voice.

"Tom...look. I would do anything to make this right by you." I was almost disgusted with myself for the groveling that I was doing. But as much pride as I had, I did not want to get hit more. He just looked at me and laughed.

"Really Rich? You mean that? Golly! You sure are a swell guy!"

"Tom..."

"No Richard. I don't want to hear from you! Don't give me any bullshit about you never meant for this to happen, or tell me how fucking sorry you are. You purposely seduced my wife. She told me EVERYTHING! Now, she's no angel in this, but my beef right now is with you. So, which bones do you need the least? Your knees? Your arms? How about your ribs? Then again, you don't really need that spine thing, do you? You're certainly not using that right now."

He pretended like he was taking practice swings while he taunted me. I was so afraid that I was speechless. All of my life, I have never been afraid of another man. We very rarely think about having a guy actually on the verge of killing us. We see things like that on TV, but that is something that happens to someone else. Never us. But sitting here, knowing that this man was angry enough to do it, was terrifying.

He looked at me for a minute longer, and then the anger seemed to melt out of him. He now looked irritated. Then he simply waved his hand, as if to brush me off.

"Richard, don't worry. I'm not going to beat you to death. I mean, I want to. I REALLY DO. But looking at you, standing there practically ready to shit yourself, I realize that you aren't worth me going to jail for. You're pathetic."

Relief swarmed in me. I was a little insulted at being called pathetic, but that was overshadowed by my desire to not get hit again.

"Richard, let's make a deal. You will write Kara a glowing recommendation for another job. You will mention that she SINGLE HANDEDLY exposed another co-worker's fraudulent ways, and you will make it sound so syrupy sweet that the White House would want to hire her. On top of that, you don't call the cops on me. In return, Kara and I won't expose this company for the sexually deviant place that it is. So far, she's had to fuck TWO of her superiors. Of course, she didn't HAVE to fuck you, but do you think that will matter?"

He was right. If this got out, and things went his way, I would be ruined. No one would care that I seduced Kara. Because of James, it could very well look like the two of us were in cahoots to get into her panties.

"If I promise those things, will you leave and never come back?" I asked. He just smiled evilly at me.

"I can tell you this Ricky. It won't hurt your chances."

***************************************

Tom Narrating: Six months later

"Kara, what are we doing at a strip club?"

She laughed as she grabbed my hand. She led me into the doors of Sal's Gentlemen Lounge.

"This is the club that I used to work at Tom. This club is a part of me. I mean, it was a part of me. For so long, I've been trying to run from this girl. But I realized that I needed to accept her. By denying that she was a part of me, I gave her power. She made me feel small. I am taking that back."

"Sooooo, you're back to being a stripper now?"

She laughed as shook her heard. "Not really. Just for tonight. Just for you. You're one of my best friends, so there is no one else that I can do this in front of. As you can see, the club is empty. Sandra paid Sal a lot of money to allow us an hour of uninterrupted time."

"Ah yes. Sandra. I remember her. She wouldn't by chance be stripping along with you, would she?" I asked hopefully. That earned me a punch to the arm.

"You wish!"

I sat down by the stage as she disappeared into the back. As I looked around, I tried to imagine Kara dancing here. It was surreal. It seemed so different than I expected.

I wouldn't say that it was classy, but what I pictured was a ratty place with worn chairs and semen stains on the floor. This place could have been a night club if they removed the stage from the middle of the floor.

Suddenly, a smooth Reggae beat filled the room. I heard Rihanna's melodious voice singing out. I recognized the song as "Work". I'd heard it before, but under these lights, in this place, it seemed to exude sexual tension.

The curtain on the stage parted, and I saw my ex-wife. Only, it wasn't her. This woman was...sex. Pure sex.

Nice to meet you Jazmin.

She sauntered across the stage to where I was, the entire time moving to the sensual music. Her eyes were locked onto mine with each step that she took.

When she got to edge of the stage, she turned around and dropped to her knees until her ass was practically in my face. It moved from side to side, leaving me entranced. Then she slid off of the stage and onto my lap in a move so fluid that it was perfect.

Her back was to me as she sat on my lap. She slowly leaned back until she was resting on me completely. Her arms came up and she reached behind us to grab my head. Her soft hands rubbed my face as her hips gyrated on my lap.

I thought Sandra said she couldn't dance. This is fucking amazing!

For the entire length of the song, she practically fucked me through my jeans. Rihanna's voice mixed with Jazmin's movements made me harder than granite. Both of us were breathing heavily as we got lost in the perfect moment of teasing pleasure.

When the song went off, she sat there for a minute. Her eyes met mine, and for the briefest of seconds I thought that we were going to kiss. But we let the moment last too long. Her eyes started to fill with tears. Then she slowly moved off of my lap. When she got up, she turned around and hoisted herself up to sit on the stage in front of me. That was when I realized that she was crying.

"Kara?" said as I reached out. She shook her head to indicate that she didn't need it.

"I'm fine Tom. This was just more emotional than I thought it would be. Being here, doing this, it is a lot. But...I needed it. Thank you."

I had to laugh at that. "You're thanking me? After that lap dance I feel the need to thank you." That broke through the tears and got a laugh from her.

Then she sat there looking at me. Something familiar passed between us.

"Thank you Tom. Not just for allowing me to use you for therapy, but for always being there. This past 6 months have been hard for me. Going to counseling, getting settled at my new job, even dealing with Dean being angry with me for running you off. You were there for me. You really are a good friend. I'm glad to have you in my life."

"You're welcome Kara. And it hasn't been all a sacrifice for me. You've helped me too. You've taught me a lot about how I look at myself. My arrogance at my accomplishments led to my low self-esteem when I wasn't in the limelight."

She nodded, and for a moment a flash of regret passed over her face. She shook it off.

"Can I ask you a question, Kara? Why did you never introduce me to Sandra? She seems pretty cool. She loves the hell out of you."

"I don't know. I guess I was trying to keep the two halves of my life separate. Sandra was a part of Jazmin's world, and I didn't want to associate that with you."

"You know Kara, I just thought of something. You've spent your entire post-stripper life trying to not be Jazmin. But you forget that Jazmin was the chick that got you through that rough time. She stripped to feed her son. When you were cheating on me with that Richard prick, you weren't acting like Jazmin. Jazmin did all that she did for her family. Kara did it because she wanted to get laid. Maybe accepting the Jazmin part of yourself isn't a bad thing. I was wrong to call you Jazmin when I did. In my book, Jazmin was a rock star."

She thought about that for a moment, and then smiled at me.

"I appreciate that Tom. I never thought about it that way. Thank you for that."

She looked down at her feet, which were swinging freely over the side of the stage. As she did that, I saw a glimpse of the old Kara. The one that I married once upon a time. I kind of missed that girl, but she was damaged. I actually liked the girl that I was currently getting to know.

"Counseling has been good to you. You seem more at peace with yourself." I said with a hint of awe in my voice. She blushed at my compliment.

"Thanks Tom. She's really been helping me a lot. I think you should schedule an appointment. She'd have a field day with you."

"Well, I think she has her hands full with you. I don't think she could handle a full concentrated dose of 'Winchester'. Poor woman would need therapy herself after we got done with her."

We both laughed at that. It felt so good to laugh with her. After all of the pain, to be able to laugh at ourselves was -- for lack of a better word -- a blessing.

"Besides" I continued, "I've already been talking to someone. Yeah. Believe it or not, I've been speaking to a pastor. My issues revolving around my dad started with the church. So I figured that was the place I should start looking for answers. You know?"

To say she looked stunned would have been an understatement.

"Tom, that's wonderful! I'm really happy for you."

She hopped down off of the stage and walked over to me. When she got to me, she wrapped her arms around my waist. I returned the hug and we sat there for a few moments. When we broke apart, she went backstage to change.

As I took one last look around, I found myself smiling. I had a feeling that Jazmin wouldn't be haunting Kara anymore. Her struggle with that demon seemed to be at an end.

***

So, there it is. Our struggle to survive (Kara and I) didn't end the way most people felt it should have. Some people feel that we should have ended up working it out and saving the marriage. After all we've been through, our marriage deserved a second chance. Others would have preferred we hate each other and spend our lives at war with each other.

I feel like this path is the best one for us. If we were to have a chance moving forward, then we had to start over from scratch. The marriage that we had was dead. Those two people killed it.

The possibilities of our future are now endless. Could the old couple have made it? Maybe. Maybe not. But these two people have a greater chance. They are getting to know each other. As friends. Will it grow from here? Definitely. If something romantic happens in the future, this will better prepare them for it. If not, then a great friendship will still be forged. Whatever the path, I am glad that it will involve her. My life is honestly more complete with her in it.

On top of that, everything worked out for the best. My family is intact. Dean, Sam, Kara, my mom, and myself all found our way through the quagmire of life and consequences, and it brought us closer together. I guess everyone has to struggle to survive in their own way. We each have to stand on the lessons that we've learned through our mistakes, or by watching someone else deal with theirs. Having people to lean on can make that struggle a little more tolerable. Walking with someone makes us feel less alone.

To quote a poet by the name of Don Williams Jr. "The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination."