That Which We Call a Rose

She leaned in and gave me a kiss, just gently on the cheek and she stood up and was gone.

-----

I smiled at Nick, "At that moment I thought she was the most cold-hearted bitch I could ever think of. She's just screwed up our marriage, and now she's off around to Mummy and Daddy's for Saturday lunch and to book her old bedroom, just in case she needs it. And at that moment I was thinking that she would most definitely need it."

Nick looked at me, "I feel there's a But coming..."

I smiled, "Well I hate to admit it, but she was right. I went back to bed and just slept for about 4 hours. Then I got up and drank a full carton of orange juice and showered. And I did feel better. A breath of fresh air and something to eat seemed to be calling." I paused and looked at him, half smiling; then I asked, "Do you know that a quarter pounder, large fries and a Coke actually can taste good? Well it does if it's the day after your wife has washed your loving marriage into the history books."

Nick smiled and added, "The age of miracles has not passed..."

And I continued, "I remember sitting at that table in that burger joint, and suddenly the enormity of having to face the end of my marriage hit me. Suddenly I didn't know what to think, I didn't know whether to walk out or stay and fight for some reconciliation. After that I just walked, don't ask me where, just the streets. I had my head down and I was just thinking. I'm not some plastered saint. I told you I'd had a pretty good time before I was married." I looked around at the blonde, "And I saw you, you were fancying your luck there tonight. Being wanted by someone feels good. Sex feels good. But I thought that Penny was mine, all mine."

Nick looked a little sheepish, "I know I shouldn't. I've got a fabulous girl at home. My Polly. You had Penny, I've got Polly. I've known her for about six months, and last Saturday I proposed and she said Yes. I think a week away by myself and it's made me a bit nervous. I know I love her so much, but it's an awfully big commitment and I was thinking maybe just one last time...." He paused, and looked round at me, "So what happened when she got home?"

-----

I had been sitting in my chair for the last hour, waiting to hear her come home and promising myself that I'd remain in control. If anything I wanted to enjoy what maybe the last few moments of our marriage. I wanted her to see how she had betrayed us, how she'd destroyed a great love. Let her know that she was losing a great husband. Let her feel some of the pain that I feel. I wanted at least some moral victory out of this mess.

And then I heard the front door open. And a minute later Penny was sitting opposite me on the sofa.

"Tom, before we start, I want a promise from you. I'll tell you the truth, the absolute truth, about me and about what I've discovered about myself and our marriage in the last few months, but you must be honest with me. I don't want you saying things just to protect my feelings. I know you're hurt and shocked. I know we are probably at the end. I still cling to a hope that somehow we can build something out of this. Something that accepts the new me and what I've experienced in these last few weeks, and with honesty and the right commitment maybe we can build something new and better. But I know you are very hurt and think it's all my fault. But promise me, you'll tell the truth of how you feel about all that's happened and all that's been said and done. Please."

I nodded.

"So where do you want to start? You can ask me anything you like, Tom."

I felt myself to be close to tears, and I swallowed them back, I didn't want to cry, I wanted her to cry. "I guess I want to know who, and for how long and why, Penny, why?"

"Well, you've already said that you've noticed that something was wrong for the last few months. Well I guess that's about right for the time when I've been doing something actively. But under the surface it's being going on a lot longer than that, only I didn't really know it, I didn't recognise it for what it was. I've been living a lie for years." She looked straight into my eyes, "I haven't been truthful with you, Tom. Not about me, about my life, about some of the things I've found out about me. There's been too many lies, Tom. James was just the end of the line. I told you I only met him for the first time on Wednesday."

"Where did you meet him? At work? Commuting? Where?"

She smiled, "Would you believe on the Internet? He had a personal advert up, and I contacted him. I thought he looked the right type."

I could feel my anger and shock rise, "You approached him because you thought he looked the right type? What looked right to you? The size of his cock? The size of his bank balance? What looked right to you, Penny?"

"No. He was the right age. He said he was a struggling actor, and he was up for escort work."

Now I was losing it, "Escort! He was a bloody gigolo? He fucks for money? And you were willing to pay him?"

"Yes to all three. But I didn't pay him to fuck me."

"Oh No? What does he do? Charge for wining and dining you, but the fucks are for free? That's splitting a very fine hair."

She sat back on the sofa. I could see that something had changed. Then she asked, "Tell me Tom, when was the last time you got back from one of your trips when you haven't fucked some girl you picked up somewhere?"

I was shocked. Where the Hell did that come from? "What are you talking about?" I paused, my mind running over a myriad of possibilities, "Is that what this is all about? Is that why you've decided to turn yourself into a slut? You think I have been screwing around on you when I'm away?"

I paused to look at her, let her read my eyes, "I promise you Penny, on everything that's holy: I have never ever been unfaithful to you and our marriage. Not for a single moment of our seven years." I sat back, satisfied with myself that for the umpteenth time I'd reassured her on that silly idea. "I know for the last few months you have been insecure. I guess that's natural with a husband that travels, but I've told you how much I love you, how much I need you, and how no other girl could come close to you for me. I've never strayed. And in the last few weeks, when you've seemed so uptight, so nervous, I've told you that even more often than usual. Because I wanted you to know just how I idolise you and you seemed to be needing some extra security. Please don't tell me that you think I could ever betray you."

I paused before I added, bitterly and angrily, "But you decided to screw around despite how much our marriage means to me." I paused; I knew we were at the end, "I want a divorce, Penny. I want out of here."

"It was just sex, Tom. James didn't mean anything. Have you any idea how much I loved you, or even how much I love you right now? It doesn't matter whether I screwed James, or anyone else. That wasn't about us. You were away, and so maybe I got some sex..... Well, it wasn't about our marriage, our love. I didn't get love, I didn't betray us. It was just sex."

"You fucking cow! It was just sex? They didn't mean anything? Don't our wedding vows mean anything to you? There's no such thing as just sex. Sex means you are sharing your time, your body and your emotions with someone else. I mean it Penny, I want a divorce."

There was a long pause and I saw her shoulders drop.

"OK, Tom. You win. Have it your way." And she did have tears running down her cheeks. She was broken at last, and I had my victory. "I guess it's inevitable. We are at the end." She said quietly.

There was a silence between us as we absorbed the enormity of where we were. Penny was wiping her eyes and blowing her nose.

"You should know, Tom, I paid James for his acting ability." Her voice was strangely cold and calm, "I didn't screw him. Not once. I kissed him; I had to, it was part of the scene. We'd sat here on the sofa, waiting to hear your car. I was embarrassingly naked, but that was necessary as well. But when we heard you we got ourselves into position for you to come through the door and find us."

She turned to me, her eyes were blazing, "I wanted revenge. I wanted you to have just one day of what I've been suffering for the last few months. It hurts, doesn't it, Tom? To think that your loving spouse is sharing their body, their sexuality, their love and intimacy with some stranger. That they have so little respect for you and so little need of your love."

Her hand went behind the cushion, and suddenly there was a photograph in front of me, "Lizzie, the Golden Tulip Hotel, Ostend on Tuesday."

She pushed another photograph in front of me, "Sarah and you in the bar of the Marriott in Ghent on Thursday. Just two days ago, Tom."

And then another, "Stuttgart, last month. This was Gabriele who you met on Reception of the Holiday Inn on the Wednesday of your week in Germany. You took her to the local Chinese before you took her back to room 412 to fuck her for the night."

She threw another three photos at me, "Some other reminders of you being totally faithful to me from Germany and Holland. If you want actual reminders of their names or the dates then do ask, I've got it recorded here. And I haven't been able to document every time from the past I don't know how many years. The furthest I can go back is the barman of the Golden Tulip in Breda for July two years ago when he distinctly remembers you picking up two girls in his bar that night. It apparently cost you three bottles of champagne, but you managed it. Was that on expenses or did I inadvertently pay for fifty percent of that night of you faithfully honouring our wedding vows?"

How did she know? How did she find out? What mistake did I make? Is that what all this weekend is about? Oh Fuck!

Suddenly my world was crashing before me, "How did you...? Oh God! I'm so sorry Penny, I never meant... They didn't mean... It was just...."

"Just what, Tom? Come on, finish the sentence. It was just what...?"

She had the light of vindictive victory in her eyes, but I wouldn't give her the pleasure, the word sex wouldn't pass my lips. "It was just my stupid male ego." I improvised, "I do love you Penny. You've got to believe me."

The look of victory didn't leave her eyes, but then suddenly it changed, to one of cold contempt, "Like I've got to believe that you've never been unfaithful to me? Because every word you say to me is true and honest and trustworthy?"

All I could say was "I never wanted to hurt you...."

"So you looked deeply into my eyes and lied. Time after time, and without any conscience. You betrayed our marriage; you had so little respect for me that you thought you could treat me anyway you liked? Is that it? She's just a wife; I don't have to care about her. I don't have to take seriously my promises to her. I can lie and cheat and none of it matters. Is that it Tom? Does that describe the thinking of the miserable little cheating toad that I've been married to for seven years?" There were tears pouring down her face, but her eyes were blazing.

She stood over me, and I wanted to curl into a ball and shut out the world. Please God, please take this pain away. Please take this truth away. This reality hurts.

"Why Tom? Why? Last night you asked me why you'd found me with James and I said I wanted to know that too. So tell me Tom, why was I brought to the point of hating you, of feeling destroyed, of wanting to make you feel just a little bit of the hurt you caused me? I loved you Tom. You were my life. My life was devoted to a miserable little ...." Her voice was choking with passion and she paused to find the word, "...not man, you aren't a man. Not a real one. You're just an ugly slimy growth on the backside of humanity." Again she paused, "Oh, and by the way, talking of you being a Man, Sabine the hotel waitress in Dusseldorf that you screwed? She told all her workmates that it wasn't worth it, you were really too drunk to manage much. Apparently you were a big disappointment. Think about all the times you've stayed there since, and her workmates have served you breakfast and laughed at you."

Penny sat down; I stayed curled up with the pain of the truth.

"Nothing to say, Tom? Surely you can think of some lie that you might try. Some meaningless promise. Some final nail in the coffin of our marriage." She paused and I could feel her eyes, full of hatred, boring into me, "I loved you Tom. Now I feel disgusted by you. I'm going to bed now. Tomorrow I'm moving back to Mummy and Daddy's. You'll hear from my solicitor in due course."

And she stood and headed for the door. Just as she got there I asked, "How? How did you find out?"

She turned back, "You know that, I told you at the time. Louise from Leipzig phoned your office for you and for some reason they gave her our home number. I told you that I had a message from her and that you needed to phone her boss, and I asked you who she was. And you told me she worked for a major road builder over there and that there was an urgent problem with some delivery. More of your lies. In fact I had a long conversation with her. You had told her I'd left you, I had run off with my lover, leaving you heartbroken and in need of a woman's comfort. That was your chat up line that night, poor betrayed Tom. I couldn't believe it, I didn't believe it. She must be some fantasist, some sick stalker. I gently asked you, and I got all the right reassurances, all the right promises. But doubt and suspicion had crept in."

"I'm sorry Penny. I do love you. Please Penny, please..."

"I don't really care about that, not anymore. If you had regretted it you could have stopped anytime. You could have changed your job. We didn't need the money so much it was worth destroying our marriage over. But you were loving it, your double life."

A thought struck me, "You had me followed? You must have done to know all you do, the photographs..."

"You forget what Daddy does. The Foreign Office? All he had to do was phone a few embassies and a few consulates. There was always someone willing to do a favour for an old and senior colleague back in Whitehall; if you're in an embassy abroad well you can never have too many friends back in Whitehall. And it was easy for one of them to be sitting in the bar with a camera phone in all the hotels you stay at. And some chatted to the barman about your exploits, which is how we could trace back over the past years. You're well known to too many barmen, Tom."

And then she was gone.

-----

Nick looked at me, "Was it true that you screwed around on your trips? But you were married, and married to a girl you loved and who loved you. There was nothing wrong in your marriage, no excuse."

"Yes it's true. It started about eighteen months into this job. I was sitting at a bar just like this, and a girl came and sat next to me. And she fancied me. To be honest she threw herself at me. Later I found out that she'd just been left standing at the altar on the previous weekend, and her fiancé had deserted her, she was pretty screwed up. But anyway, I succumbed and we went up to her room."

I took a sip of beer, and I looked at Nick and smiled, "It was great. It was fucking marvellous. I'd only been with Penny for the past few years, and suddenly I had all the excitement of a new girl. I was a bachelor again. I could still do it; I could still pull a woman." I paused, "But in the morning I was eaten up by guilt. I promise you I hardly slept for the next two nights, so sure was I of how evil I had been. But I got home and I put a brave face on it, and Penny never suspected a thing. She was as happy and as loving and as trusting as always. After that it was easy. It became a matter of pride, at least once on every trip. In truth there were 5 trips when I didn't make it. But there were seven trips when I've managed it twice including that last fateful trip to Belgium, so I reckoned I was up on the deal. And, as Penny had found out, there was the one memorable night of two girls in my bed."

Again I paused and looked at Nick; I could read the disgust in his eyes, "Don't look at me like that. You were thinking those thoughts when you were looking at that blond. Don't deny it."

He looked shamefaced, "No, you're right. I was thinking about it when I saw that blond. But I've got my Polly and I'm engaged now. I guess that's what's made me think .... you know, just one last time." He straightened himself on his stool, "So finish your story, what happened, did she divorce you?"

"I'll get to that. But I tell you, Nick, I have never been more lonely than I was that night in the guest bedroom. Suddenly the fun of my secret life wasn't fun anymore. I was on the brink of losing the one thing in my life that really made living worthwhile. And it was all my own silly fault. Those girls, and there had been about 50 of them, certainly more than 40, and they meant absolutely nothing to me. Most of them had been fun for the evening, but not even all of them had been that. Some of them had been really disappointing. But even the night with the best of them wasn't worth one loving evening at home sitting on the sofa watching television with Penny. Let alone sex."

I sipped my beer before I continued, "And then it began to dawn on me, exactly what she'd intended by her little scene with that bloody James. I remembered my own emotions, my own pain and hurt on the Friday night when I thought she'd been fucking around on me. That's what I'd made her suffer, not for one night, but for three or four months. And I looked lovingly into her eyes and reassured her of my love and faithfulness and each and every time I'd killed another bit of our marriage, of her love and respect for me." I paused again to emphasise the truth of my own foolishness. "Up until that moment my lies had been insignificant necessary evils. Just minor white lies to protect the girl I loved so much from knowing the truth about a slightly unsavoury aspect of my life, nothing more."

I turned and looked at Nick, right into his eyes, "The only bit of that night which I can say has comforted me ever since is that I cried myself to sleep not with my own misery, but with the thought of what I'd done to Penny. The hurt and pain that I caused her still haunts me three years later. I still cry myself to sleep some nights as I think of what I did to her."

There was a long pause while Nick absorbed what I was telling him, and then he asked, "And the next morning? Did you try to get her to forgive you?"

"Oh Yes...."

-----

When I woke up very early the next morning I was in a fairly determined state of mind. I showered and shaved, I really tried to make myself look at least decent for her. Then I went into the little room that we jokingly called a study. It was where our computer was. And I typed a letter of resignation from my job, effective immediately. I had to show Penny how determined I was to put things right, and I thought quitting my job had to be the first step. I would promise her that I'd go in on Monday morning, clear my desk, hand in my resignation and just walk out.

Once I had printed the letter I went to find Penny. She was in our bedroom packing a suitcase. She didn't say a word; she just looked at me with sad eyes.

"Please Penny..... I love you. I'm so sorry. I've been the shittiest husband in the world, I know. I'm sorry. But I do truly love you. Please....."

"Go and make a couple of mugs of coffee, Tom. I'll be there in a minute." Was all she said and she went on folding a dress with tissue paper. But I saw a tear rolling down her cheek, and for some reason that gave me hope.

I went to the kitchen, and I did make a couple of mugs of coffee. I laid my resignation letter squarely in the middle of the table. And I sat down and called "Coffee"

She came in and sat down, "What's this?" she asked picking up my letter.