The First Ninety Days Ch. 12

"Well, I'm glad you've learned that at least, Caitlyn. We'll call you if our schedule changes. Have a good evening."

"Bye, Mom."

She hung up, put the phone away, turned to Jon. She felt the weight settle back in her stomach: they still hadn't broached the issue at hand. "Now. Where were we?"

But, to her surprise, Jon put his arm around her shoulder and drew her to him. "You were defending me in front of your mother."

"I guess I was. The weird thing is, she listened this time."

"My beautiful wife was reminding me why I love her."

"Oh?" she said, feeling a pleased smile on her face. "Why do you love her?"

"Because she loves me."

"But she loves you because you loveher. That's circular. How'd it get started?"

"Well, I started loving her because she's beautiful."

"Oooh, nowthere's a ringing endorsement." She gave him a wry smile. "You know what they say is the first to go."

"Because she's beautiful," Jon said, "and brave. So brave that she would stand up to her own mother to keep me at her side. Which I don't think I actually appreciate as much as I should."

"Well," she said. "It gets easier and easier."

"No, don't do that, sweetie, don't just let me off. Don't let me take you for granted. Look me in the eye and say, 'You don't. And don't you forget it, buster.' Have pride in yourself. God only knows, you deserve to."

She smiled at that. "That's not my way, Jon. Never has been. And I look forward to the day you take me for granted. I look forward to the day when we know each other so well that we don't even have to think about it, the other is just... Justthere, and ready to support us." She put her arm around his waist. "I look forward to being even more one person with you."

He thought about that for a second, and then kissed the crown of her head. She leaned against him, feeling his head settle atop hers, and felt closer to him than she had in days.

"Unfortunately..." he said. "I have to get back to work soon. Ten minutes, remember."

"Yeah."

"So... You were saying we both had some apologies to make?"

"Yeah." She sighed. Mrs. Klein was right, of course; but that didn't make it any easier to do. "I'm sorry for... Well, honestly, I'm not surewhat I did to make you pull away from me. But I'm sorry for doing that. I would never want you to... Jon, when I say 'I love you,' that really doesn't cover it, it's such a lame expression. I mean, yes, I love you, but it's more like... I need you. You are me. So much of who I am is because you've encouraged me be that person, or made it possible to do it... I don't know what I'd do without you. I couldn't be without you. Without you, I couldn't be."

His arm tightened around her for a moment.

"So, the next time I do something that pushes you away, please,tell me, because it hurts me to hurt you and Inever want to do that, I don't... It only hurtsus for you to be silent like this."

"Yeah," he said. "And I guess that's where I come in. I'm sorry for pulling away, Caitlyn. I'm sorry for... For being scared."

"For being scared of what?" she asked. "What did I do?"

"I..." Out of the corner of her eye she saw him mop his face with his free hand. "Honestly, I don't know. I'm not entirely sure. I think it's that... I think it's that I'm scared of losing you."

She pulled out of his grip, astonished. "Oflosing me? Of losing— Jon, I just told my mother that we aren't going anywhere without each other! That I would be diminished without you! How could you be scared oflosing me?"

"I don't know!" he exclaimed. "I don't know! I just... I know that it could happen. I know that... Caitlyn, there's so many things that draw us together, but there are things that push us apart too. Things that... I mean, yeah, they look like details, maybe, but sometimes details matter. And, just... I'm scared that, maybe, one of these things will come up. And you'll discover, and you'll realize... Because, Caitlyn, what you said about yourself, about 'I love you' being insufficient—that's true for me too. That's true for me too. So when it looks like something might be threatening us, like there's something that might cause me to lose you..."

"Like...?" she said.

He closed his eyes, heaved up a deep sigh.

"...Like your parents," he said. "I just don't... Caitlyn, you know that they want you back. You know that they're only talking to us now, that they're only putting up withme, because it's the only way to have you in their lives. And, even though they're being polite about it now, there haven't been any signs that they've given up on plotting to take you back. I mean, yes, that's unfair; maybe theyare playing it straight. But you know it's my way to assume the worst, and besides... Just, just knowing their track record... Caitlyn, even from an objective viewpoint, I think they might be a threat."

Caitlyn said nothing. There was a great deal she could say to the contrary, after all; but Jon had heard the phone conversation. And, to be perfectly honest, she thought he might be right.

"And... Every time,every time, you've been loyal to me, you've stood up to them and refused to let them lure you away. And... Iknow that. And it means more to me than I can say. But, just... Every time they show up, every time they call, every time we see them... It's irrational. But there it is."

She kissed his cheek. "Yes, your feelings are irrational. But a wise man once told me that it doesn't matter how logical your feelings are—they're still there, and you just have to deal with them. He was a smart person, that man. That's probably why I married him." She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close.

"I'm just scared," he whispered. "I'm just a coward."

"It's okay," she murmured. "It's okay to be scared sometimes." How often had he done this over the course of their love—being there for her, being strong for her. For once—just once—it was her turn instead. "That's why you have people who love you. To keep you strong when you'd rather turn away."

"God,can you skip orchestra practice? I don't want to wait until 7:30 to see you."

She smiled. "Hon, you waited for twenty-four years. Four more hours won't hurt you."

"No, it's not even that, it's... We haven't touched each other for this long since Saturday. We haven'ttalked this long since Saturday. And... I miss it."

"Well, whose fault wasthat," she retorted, grinning.

"I know, I know," he said, not laughing. "I screwed up. But now that we'reun-screwed up, I... This is the most important thing in the world to me: you. Us. Let's get back to it."

She kissed him gently. "Have dinner waiting for me, and you're on."

For the first time in days, she saw him smile. "Your wish, my love, is my command."

Only, it didn't work out that way in the end. Because, as she was driving home from Jon's office, her cellphone rang again. It was not, as she expected, her mother. It was Harold Cheng, mentioning that he hadn't heard from them lately, and would they care to, say, have dinner together tonight? It was a not-so-subtle reminder that Harold had no other friends, and that they hadn't spoken to him for nearly two weeks. Caitlyn felt immensely guilty.

So when she got home, Caitlyn sent her first text message to Jon. It took a little while to figure out the typing interface, but she got it in the end:dinnr w Harold 2nite 8 PM dont cook k? It also took her an age to find the question mark; she didn't eventry for the apostrophe.

Jon didn't answer. She hoped he'd be okay with it. But, if he was okay with it, why wasn't he answering?

What would he do? Would he just ignore her instructions and have dinner ready for them? No, that wasn't his style; there were levels of rebellion he was capable of, but they didn't reach nearly that far. Would he refuse to go? She hoped not. She felt bad for Harold, but that didn't mean she wanted to brave that lion's den without Jon. But she'd given her word to Harold too.What a mess. When Jesus told us to love our neighbors, did he anticipate crowds like this?

When she got home from orchestra practice, Jon was sitting on the couch watching TV. That in itself was unusual; to her knowledge, he'd never turned the thing on before. At least he'd gotten the message.

"Hey, hon," she said. "Ready to go?"

He flipped the TV off, but didn't move. For a moment, there was silence.

"Did you plan to ask me if I was interested?" he said.

"...Aren't you?" she said.

"Well, first off, it's Harold," said Jon. "He's going to spend half an hour rambling about his latest programming project or the equipment he needs for his Shaman inWorld of Warcraft, and the next half-hour complaining about why girls won't touch him with a ten-foot pole. As if he hadn't answered that question already."

Caitlyn said nothing. It was rather harsh, but completely true as far as it went.I'm a nice guy, Harold would rant,I make a lot of money, I have a good job, I live on my own. Girls should be falling over me. They just don't know what they're looking for. Harold was closed to the idea that he might need to change. He seemed to expect everything to fall into his lap just as he was. And, the Stanfords agreed, until he got over that attitude, there wasn't much they could say to him.

"Second off, weren't we going to spend some time on us? Weren't we talking about getting back to what's important to us?"

"This is important to me," she said.

"Yes, but what about me?" he said.

"Weren't we asking about you supporting me even if I do things you disagree with?" she said.

Jon was silent.

"...I think that's something I need to apologize for," she said.

"...It is," Jon said. "But it's also true."

Caitlyn was silent.

"Look, Caitlyn... I understand that it's important to you. And I appreciate it. But I don't like you just making decisions about us without consulting me."

"Well, maybe you needed this decision made for you," Caitlyn said. "You just don't... Jon, being a Christian just isn't important to you. I'm your wife. It's my place to be strong where you're weak. And this is one of those places."

"Then how comeI don't make decisions aboutyour weak spots?" he said.

"What, you mean the bedroom? Jon, yes you do. We've been over that. And haven't I beenencouraging you to do that as well?"

"Maybe you have," he said. "And maybe that makes it fair. But it still doesn't make it right. Caitlyn, maybe I'm strange, but I believe it'snever someone's place to make decisions for another person. That's why I'm nervous about power play in the bedroom and that's why I'm nervous about this."

"Why?"

"Because you aren't allowing this to be the wrong choice."

"Jon, how can it be the wrong choice to get into Heaven? How can it be the wrong choice to be a good person? How can it be the wrong choice to be sitting on the docks and have someone call you to come be a fisher of me, and to follow?" She used his own words on the subject, knowing he would remember them.

Jon said nothing.

"Jon, I love you. I want what's best for you. I know this is who you want to be, even if it scares you, even if it's hard sometimes. That's what a wife isfor—to encourage you to be your best self."

"That's what a husband is for too," he said. "And being your best self involves not just blindly doing what your mother does."

Caitlyn was silent.Does it all come back to them? Is that what this is about? Does it, always, come back to them?

Jon heaved a sigh and got to his feet. "Well, we'd better get going if we aren't planning to be late. You knowhe won't be."

"Y-yeah."

"But next time... Consult me, Caitlyn." Jon towered before her, polite but not pleased. "You're right, of course, and we both know that. But that doesn't mean you should be making decisions and then railroading me in hindsight. If you can convince me after the fact you can convince me before. So why not do it in the correct order next time."

"Okay," she said.

"And no plans for tomorrow, either," he said. "We still need some 'us' time."

"Tomorrow?" she said. "Forget about tomorrow, what about tonight after we get home? You don't have to leave until 9. We've got that long to... Get re-acquainted with each other." She pasted herself to him, wrapping her arms around his waist.

Finally—finally—he quirked a smile. "Don't think you can distract me with sex, young lady."

"Why not? It works so well on me, I figure it must work on you too." She grinned. "Besides, what better way to celebrate the fact that we just got through a fight without anybody having to sleep on the couch?"

He tilted his head, giving that some thought. "You know... I like the way you think."

It was lame, but she said it anyway: "Well, enjoy it while you can, baby, 'cause once we get home, there won't be very much 'thinking' going on anymore." She grinned.

He grinned back, and swept her out into the night.