The Girl From Yesterday

Brad had started coming over to visit a few times. There really wasn't that much between us other than being friends. Yes, I had a crush on him but I had a crush on a lot of guys. It was just one of the things girls do, they have crushes. It doesn't mean they want to bed down every crush. It's just another way of saying we're interested.

I remember the day Mike came home from basic training. I thought he would be home the following day. Brad and I were standing in the living room and he told me he never got a New Years kiss. To me it wasn't a big deal and Brad leaned forward and kissed me.

He put his arms around me and kissed me hard. It was at that exact moment that Mike came into the house. I didn't know what to say. To say Mike looked surprised would be an understatement. I was at a loss for words.

We talked about nothing for a few minutes, and Mike said he had to leave and would see me later. God, I felt so bad. I remember asking Brad to leave. He argued for a minute and then left. I sat there wondering what in the hell just happened.

I went to Mike's house a few times but he always had relatives over. It's as though he didn't want to be alone with me. I just let it go for now. Maybe he was as confused as I was. We had always been friends but were we destined to be more than that?

I started nursing school and spent most of my time studying. I did go on a few dates but there was no one that I was serious about. My thoughts kept going back to Mike.

When we wrote to each other we each said how much we missed each other and it was months before we signed our letters with the word love. The more I thought of him, the more I missed him.

I was so disappointed when I found out he would be gone an extra year. I prayed every night that he would be safe. I really wasn't sure what would happen when he came home.

"She doesn't know what's right,

She doesn't know what's wrong.

She only knows the pain that comes from waiting for so long."

It took me two years to receive my nursing degree and I started working at the local hospital. I still wrote Mike, and told him what was going on in our small town. Often, I would send him articles out of the local newspaper about our friends and family. I figured it would make him feel closer to home.

Too many times, I sat by the window and thought about my life. I wondered if when the phone rang would it be something had happened to Mike. In my heart I realized I have always cared for Mike. It just took him not being around to share our thoughts with and joke around together to really notice it.

I had to wonder if he felt the same. I realized his letters were getting more personal, and when he told me how much he missed me it made me cry. Was he just lonely or did he really mean it? A crystal ball would sure help me to understand things. I didn't know if I should keep waiting for Mike or write it off to the past and go on with my life.

I often dreamt of his returning and the things that he might say. Would he really love me or would I always be the girl from yesterday.

My parents pressured me to date. They didn't know how I felt about Mike. Hell, I didn't even know. Could they be right? Was I wasting away my life waiting on a guy I cared about years ago?

After my first year of taking nurses courses I got a part-time job at the hospital as an attendant. It was a kind of learn as you go type program. It was mostly helping take care of the patients.

Another nurse, Julie, was getting married and she asked me to be a bridesmaid. The wedding would be in the following year. She set me up with one of the young interns. He was good looking and had a nice personality. He was also single. I accepted and he would be my date for the wedding.

I really liked him; what was not to like. He would be a doctor in a year, getting a residency. My problem was that even though I cared for Dan I often thought about Mike and couldn't get him out of my mind or should I say heart.

I wasn't writing Mike as much as I used to. Here I was dating Dan and writing an old friend. I did tell Mike that I went out with friends; I just couldn't get myself to tell him about Dan. I guess it was a kind of 'torn between two lovers' situation.

I would see Dan most every day for a few minutes. He had a very busy and hectic schedule as an intern. We really didn't spend as much time together as he would have liked. He asked me if he could move in with me and I told him no.

I was honest with him and told him I really cared for him but wasn't sure if I loved him. For some reason I always thought about Mike.

Time went by and Dan and I became closer, much closer. My parents and friends all said we were meant to be together. I know a lot of it was because Dan was a doctor.

Dan had to go away for a couple of weeks. He was going on a trial run to see if he wanted to be a resident doctor in Indiana. Before he left he asked me to go with him if he moved there. I was a bit shell shocked.

"Mel, I'm in love with you. I know you can get a position at the hospital. I already talked to them about it. I know you're not ready to get married but we can rent an apartment together. We'll call it a pre-marriage," he was smiling at me.

"Dan I just don't know, I care for you I really do. I need time before giving you an answer. Everything seems to be going too fast."

"I'll be gone a couple of weeks. I'll be moving a few weeks after Julie's wedding. I guess you can give me an answer at the wedding."

I told him it would only be fair to him and I would have an answer by then.

It was only a couple of days after Dan left that Mike came home. He was sitting on my doorstep when I arrived home. I could see tears in his eyes when he saw me. I knew I had tears in mine. He grabbed me and kissed me telling me he loved me.

I knew right then that it was Mike that I loved. It was just one of those things that women know and feel.

We went inside my apartment. He wanted to take me out to dinner. I told him I needed to shower first. As I was in the shower thinking about Mike he took off his clothes and opened the bathroom door and got in the shower with me.

"Mike, what are you doing in...?" I didn't get a chance to finish as he kissed me.

He soaped me up and rubbed my whole body. "I'm not hungry now. All I want is to make love to you," he said to me.

I was nervous, but I leaned over and kissed him. It was a very passionate kiss. We half dried off and he carried me to my bed and we made love. It wasn't just sex, it was love. I could feel it in every part of my being.

We made love three times that night. The last was as good as the first. We ended up ordering a pizza. We did get hungry after all from the love making.

In the days he had left before he had to leave we saw each other as often as possible. I still had a job to go to every day and he had friends and relatives he wanted to see. We made love as often as possible but we didn't tell anyone.

He did tell me he would be going back to Nevada on Monday and would be shipped out to wherever he chose. When I asked him where he was going to be stationed he told me it depended on me.

The closest he could be stationed was three hundred miles away but would be able to see me a few times a year. The big money choice was to go back to 'Nam and finish his term. He could be back in a year, two at the most. I so hoped he would stay in the states so I could at least see him.

I wanted to tell him about Dan but I was afraid. I kept putting off mentioning it till the Friday morning before the wedding I was to attend with Dan as my date. Mike stayed at my apartment that night and we made love all night. Before I left for work I told him I had something very important to talk to him about.

He asked me what it was but I told him I was running late and I needed to talk to him on Sunday. I did tell him that he could take a shower and to be sure to lock up my apartment before leaving. The last thing I told him was how much I loved him and would talk to him on Sunday.

****

When I got home on Friday and was getting ready to go to the wedding rehearsal I listened to the messages on my answering machine. I got nervous when I heard the one from Dan. I was so hoping that Mike had left my apartment before Dan had called.

I didn't have any other messages so I figured if Mike had heard it he would have called me. I knew I had to tell him everything on Sunday. The last thing I wanted to do was to lose Mike.

I went to the rehearsal and on Saturday and spent the morning at Julie's helping her with all the last minute emergencies. I had my dress at her place and got ready for the wedding. Julie asked me if I would drive her to the church. Of course after the service she would be with her husband.

I called Dan and let him know I would meet him at the church. He asked me on the phone if I had made a decision on whether I would be moving to Indiana with him. He had decided to take the position.

I told him that I would tell him before the night was over. I didn't want anything to interfere with Julie's wedding. I guess Dan could have taken it either way. He really would have been a great catch if I loved him instead of Mike.

The wedding was beautiful and I think my parents had thoughts of me and Dan as we walked down the aisle together. At the reception I tried to put all thought of Mike out of my mind for one evening. I danced with Dan as well as everyone else.

It was later in the evening when they were playing a slow song and Dan put his arms around my waist as we danced.

"Mel, you've been avoiding answering me all night. Are you moving to Indiana with me?"

I looked into his eyes and I knew he could see my answer. "Dan I care for you, I really do, but my heart belongs to another. I didn't realize it until he came home from the service. I'm so sorry. You're such a good man and deserve a woman who loves you."

"It's your old friend Mike, isn't it? I knew you cared for him the way you often talked about the two of you growing up together. Would you tell your friend Mike that he's getting one fine woman and he had better treat you right."

I had tears in my eyes, Dan was a good person. He leaned forward and said he was giving me a goodbye kiss. He then hugged me and walked away. I went to the ladies room to fix my makeup. I didn't want anyone to notice the tears.

I went back over and sat with my parents. My mom asked if I had answered Dan's question yet.

"Yes, I told him I was staying here. I really care for Dan but I don't love him, Mom."

My Dad spoke. "Mel, we liked Dan but the main thing is we want our little girl to be happy. Besides, we're still kind of old fashion and think you should be married before living together. Now, how about dancing with your old Man?"

My parents were so good. I was afraid they would be telling me that I was making a big mistake. I got up and dad and I danced.

"Oh, guess who I saw in the men's room?" dad said.

"Dad, what kind of a question is that?" I laughed.

"Oh you know what I mean. I saw Mike," replied dad.

"Our Mike? What was he doing here? Did he say anything?"

"He said a couple of his friends met him here to have a few beers before he goes back on Monday. I asked him if he wanted to come in and say hi."

"You didn't! What did he say?"

"He said no, but when I was coming back in the room he saw you and Dan dancing and asked about Dan. I was surprised you never mentioned Dan to him."

"What did you say to him, Dad?"

"I told him Dan was your boyfriend and that he asked you to move to Indiana with him."

"God, Dad, how could you tell him that? Where is he now?"

"Oh Christ, don't tell me that the reason you didn't go with Dan was because you're in love with Mike?" I was crying and my dad pulled me close.

"I'm sorry Honey, I had no idea."

I left my dad standing there and went in the lounge to see if Mike was still there. I had to talk to him. I saw his friends Jim and Bob sitting there with a couple of women. I've known them for years.

"Guys, where is Mike?"

"Wow, do you look nice. Are you in the wedding in the reception hall?"

"Yes, where's Mike? I need to talk to him."

"Sorry Mel, but he said he wasn't feeling good and left a couple of hours ago. He can't drink like he used to."

I told them thanks and went back to the reception. I asked dad not to say anything to mom about Mike. Right now I wanted to keep it quiet till I had a chance to talk to him.

I said goodbye to Julie and her new husband. They were getting ready to leave on their honeymoon. I also said goodbye to Dan. He told me if I ever changed my mind to let him know. He would be leaving by the end of the week.

When I got home I checked my answering machine but Mike had not called. It was too late to call his house now but I would go there first thing in the morning. I called the hospital and told them I wouldn't be in on Sunday. I took a personal day.

I couldn't sleep at all. I tossed and turned all night. I got up at eight and got cleaned up and went to Mike's place. As I knocked on the door, Mr. Amore, Mike's dad, pulled up in the drive. At the same time his mother opened the door.

"Mel, what are you doing here?" she asked.

"I need to talk to Mike. Is he here?"

Mr. Amore looked at me and said, "He's gone Mel. He had me take him to the airport at five this morning. He got on the first plane to Nevada. Why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be with your fiancé? Mike said you were getting married."

"It was a mistake. I was going to tell Mike all about it today." I was crying.

"Oh Mel!" Mr. Amore sighed. "You know we knew Mike loved you, but didn't know that you were in love with him!"

I told them about Dan and how he asked me to move to Indiana with him but I turned him down. I explained the reason was because I was in love with Mike. I asked if there was any way I could get hold of him but they told me that he didn't leave a forwarding address.

"Is he going to be stationed in Kentucky?" I asked.

"No, he told me he was going back to 'Nam. Probably for a year. He said he would forward us an address when he gets one but it might be a few weeks maybe even months. I'm sorry Mel. There's nothing we can do."

I cried as I left their house. I loved them like they were my own parents. I hoped they didn't blame me for Mike going back to Nam. It was bad enough I blamed myself.

****

I called them every few weeks, but they hadn't heard from him. Three months had gone by and I was worried. Each day I went to work and did my job. At least it helped me keep my mind off of Mike.

One morning I was sick and my mom looked at me. "You're pregnant aren't you?"

"Yes, I took a test a couple of days ago. I was going to tell you."

"Don't you think you ought to call Dan and let him know? You may not love him but he has a right to know."

"Mom, Dan isn't the father, Mike is."

"What? You and Mike, since when? Are you sure he's the father?"

"Since he came home on leave. We found out that we loved each other. That's why I didn't go with Dan; I was in love with Mike. I missed taking a couple of birth control pills and now I'm carrying Mike's child."

"You better write him and tell him. God, it's so hard to believe. You and Mike were like brother and sister growing up."

"It changed to love Mom. It just happened. My problem is Mike went back to 'Nam and he hasn't written anyone with a new address."

After about four months Mike's parents called and said that they got a letter from Mike. He told them he was doing fine, and would keep in touch when he could. He was being transferred again and mail took a long time to get.

I told them I needed his address there was something I had to tell him. They told me that Mike told them not to give out his address. I went to their house and told them I was pregnant. I was beginning to show by then. To say were shocked would be an understatement.

"Before you ask, 'Yes' it is Mike's child. I guarantee it. When he is born I'll have the blood tests run for proof."

Mrs. Amore hugged me and we cried. She had to wonder if this would be a good time to tell Mike. After all he thought I had moved to Indiana with Dan. To all of a sudden hear I was pregnant while he was off fighting a war might not be a good thing.

They did give me his address and I decided to write him and wait to see if he responded. All I said in the letter was I didn't move away and that I loved him. I also told him I had something very important to tell him.

He never answered my letter so I sent him a second one a month later and another in my seventh month of pregnancy. It was then that we received some horrible news.

The Army called and the Amore's said Mike was injured and was in serious condition. They called me and I was worried sick. The stress was horrible on my pregnancy. Here I was pregnant with my lover's baby and he might never know he was going to be a father.

The Amore's kept me abreast what was happening. The last I heard was that he had lost part of a leg but would live. He would be in a hospital overseas for a month, maybe more.

I was so stressed out that I went into labor early. It was my eight month. My lover was in a hospital overseas and I was having his baby prematurely here at home. He didn't even know it. God I prayed all would turn out well. The doctors did say my baby boy was very small but had a good chance of making it.

My parents and the Amore's were at the hospital with me. My nurse friend did get the sample to do the blood check to prove the baby was Mike's. Right now I could only pray that he would live and that he would have a chance to meet his dad.

Chapter 3

And she doesn't count the teardrops

That she's cried while he's away

Because she knows deep in her heart

That he'll be back someday

On the long flight back to Viet Nam, I thought a lot about my visit with my cousin Raymond the last time I was home on leave. He was on the police force and he kept telling me that with my experience in the military I'd make a good cop. He took me down for a tour of the police station. It was interesting and he introduced me to a lot of his buddies. They seemed like a solid bunch—guys I'd like to have covering my back.

I had a nice talk with his Lieutenant and while we were in there Ray got permission for me to do a ride-along with him and his partner. His partner turned out to be a tall red-head with more freckles than there were gooks in Viet Nam. She wasn't pretty, but she did have a cute face. She looked a little overweight, but I suspected a lot of that was muscle. I thought I wouldn't like to meet up with her in a dark alley.

Not too much happened, but they talked to me a lot. They explained why they stopped a certain driver, but let others go. I heard some stories that raised the hair on the back of my neck. From Anna, Ray's partner, I heard more raunchy stories than I'd heard in the Army.

Before I left town I went back and filled in the paperwork, and was assured I'd have no problem getting in. The lieutenant did tell me, "Make sure you stay drug free. Some of that shit takes months to get out of your system. Also be careful not to get your foot shot off." He added the last with a laugh and it never occurred to me that he was somewhat prophetic.

I went back to the same clerk that had helped me figure out my options, and started over again, now that I was going to complete my tour in Viet Nam. With the Colonel having been rotated back home because of his injury, his replacement had brought his own radio operator with him. Sniper school was off the books now, so I had to take what was available. I was assigned to Division Headquarters, working with all the units to make sure they had the right radios at the right time, and to coordinate with the maintenance group. It was fine for a few months, but then I got bored. I asked to be transferred back to my regiment.