The History of Don Cocksote

"Calm down, calm down, everyone!" barked a tall, thin, strigiform man, standing at the focus of the crescent. "You're all being irrational!"

"You've seen the proof with your own eyes, Madapple!" shouted a middle-aged man from the crowd. "What more do you need, a corpse? I won't wait until my family's dead before something gets done!"

"Anecdotes are not proof. We still don't know what exactly we're dealing with. I agree that we need to exercise caution, but there is no need to leap to impossible conclusions simply because we don't know what's happening," the man named Madapple explained, sunlight glinting off his round eyeglasses.

"Excuse me, I'm sorry to have to ask, but we only just got here and haven't had time to learn much about this town. What's happened?" asked Sancho.

Don Cocksote whispered in his ear. "That was extremely impertinent, Sancho. Had we only waited a paragraph or two longer, they doubtless would have exposited sufficiently for us to deduce about which they were speaking."

"What if they hadn't, your grace? We would have been a sorry sight, standing her dumbly for hours on end, waiting for them to say the right words for us to understand them fully. I tell you now, neither my legs nor my stomach nor my brain have that sort of patience. If yours do, you can cover your ears while they answer me, and go back to waiting afterwards, but as for me, I believe the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and I'm greatly in need."

Madapple's eyes narrowed at the two intruders. "What are you doing here? Never mind, it's not important. We're currently dealing with a nocturnal intruder, and nothing more."

"Tell them everything, Madapple!" jeered the same man from before. "Tell them about the disappearances and the shadows skulking about at night. Tell them about the monster that haunts this town!"

Madapple sighed deeply and rubbed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. With clenched eyes, he wearily droned, "There is no such thing as vampires."

"Vampires?" asked Don Cocksote and Sancho simultaneously.

"I know everything about vampires, good townsfolk!" Don Cocksote lectured. "And if you will allow my friend and me the chance, I believe we can solve your problem quite quickly."

"You know about them?" asked an old woman, clutching her ivory rosary beads.

"I dare say I am the leading living expert on them, for I have read everything concerning them that I have been able to get my hands on, and several I could not. You will find no one better qualified than I in all the world to handle this situation."

"Have you ever met one?" asked an eager young woman, pressing a bound codex of toilet paper to her heaving bosom.

"I've met dozens, each of them the perfect gentleman, and every one of them a special, unique, kind-hearted individual fighting against the ill reputation accorded their race due to the despicable acts of the rest of their kin," boasted Don Cocksote.

"Well, I doubt we have to worry about that," mused Madapple. He stepped aside and pointed to the grave around which the crowd had congregated.

The grass above it was yellowed and dying. The gravestone was slightly crooked, a dark grey slate. An ornately carved rose sat at the top. It read, "Here lies Patience Greene. Daughter of George T. & Mary E. Greene. Died Jan. 17, 1878, aged 19 years." And beneath that, "You cannot kill an unquiet spirit, and I know that my impending death will not mean the end of Patience Greene. In the dead of night, walking along the lakeshore, you will sense my presence. When you wake to a sudden chill, I will be in the room. And when you find yourself alone on a foggy night, know that my life was cut short, and your ancestors killed me."

"Personally," Madapple opined, "I don't know why the mason bothered to carve that second bit. It always struck me as macabre, but I suppose he had his reasons.

"Anyways, since her passing, this town has been plagued by the rumor of a vampire. She was executed for it, and left behind the last words you see before you. Since then, every mysterious death and disappearance has been credited to her, and this time is no different, despite there being absolutely no proof that she was involved, or even proof that she's not a regular corpse."

"Then what's happened to Catherine Moritz?!" asked someone, and anew, the townsfolk burst into argument, jeering and yelling at each other.

Madapple extricated himself from the crowd and made his way to Don Cocksote and Sancho. "Let us go someplace quieter, and I can discuss everything with you. At this point in time, I'll take a placebo over nothing."

He led them to a small brewery and pub and took them to a small booth, where they could speak in private. He allowed our duo to choose their own meals, but as for their drinks, he insisted they try the town's local beer. "It's our little specialty, and it brings in a bit of extra income to the town. I'd be greatly thankful if you'd tell your friends about it once you leave. I guarantee you'll enjoy it.

"As for the alleged vampire, a few weeks ago, a young woman disappeared, Catherine Moritz, and no one's seen her since. No notes, no contact, nothing. Then, just the other day, another person disappeared: Peter Magnusson. Ever since Catherine vanished, people have been reporting seeing figures moving throughout the town at night. I'd write it off as hysteria, but there have also been footprints and drops of blood left behind, so something's happening.

"We live in a small town, Mister Cocksote. There are no strangers here, except for you two, and so I doubt this is the work of vandals or hoodlums. Nevertheless, whatever's happening has thrown a large part of the townsfolk into a panic, and I have a responsibility to this town to keep everything running smoothly.

"My idea is this. The two of you have shown up with much to-do and ceremony, and soon word of your arrival will spread throughout the town. I'm willing to pay you to patrol the town tonight with me. If nothing happens, we'll put some ashes into a pretty little urn, say you staked the vampire, and the city is now cured of its curse. And, of course, I'll pay your for your 'vampire hunting' services. How does $200 sound for a night's work, each? It's a bargain if it will end all this."

"What if we come across the real vampire?" asked Sancho. "I have no experience hunting them, and she has had over three centuries of experience hunting men. It seems unfair, is all, if it comes down to a fight."

"There's no need to concern ourselves with such a predicament, Sancho. Vampires are romantic creatures, concerned more with the heart's emotions than its lifeblood. If we come across her tonight, the greatest danger we face is that of being ravished, and I assure you, that's an outcome that shan't be regretted," Don Cocksote explained.

"Nonsense, your grace! They're murderous monsters who prey upon the living!"

"Monsters? They're simply disabled, Sancho, and it's very rude to call attention to it. They cannot help their peculiar diet. If they had the choice, I'm certain they'd prefer sangria to sangre."

"They are! My grandmother used to tell me stories of them when I was just a boy on her knee. They're wolves, feasting upon humanity. Their only interest in you is the same as I have in a meal, and with the same result. I might like a slice of pizza, but even at my most desperate, I never dated one. They're evil creatures!"

"They're noble souls and passionate lovers!"

"They're neither because they're imaginary," said Madapple, "but if they were real, I'd have to agree with Sean. Ah, our food's arrived. I absolutely refuse to discuss business while there's food to be eaten, so we'll have to delay now."

"A man after my own heart!" cried Sancho. He took a deep quaff from his glass, and when he put it down, he was a man inspired. "This is amazing! Excuse me, waitress, could you fill your largest growler with this beautiful beer for me?" The waitress looked to Madapple, who nodded approvingly, and off she went to fetch Sancho his reward.

With clean plates and full stomachs, and with Sancho emptying his third glass, the three of them returned to the matter at hand. "Now that you've had some time to think about it, what do you think of my deal?" asked Madapple.

"How can we refuse the opportunity to encounter such a unique specimen, and simultaneously to clear the name of a besmirched maiden, for I am confident that when we find her, everything will work out as I have read and predicted, and she will in actuality be a lonely, misunderstood wretch, desperate for love," Don Cocksote proclaimed.

"And you, Sean? If you agree, I can convert your payment into the local lambic, instead, if you prefer."

"I'd rather have this beer, personally, but either way, I'm afraid I have to. If neither of you will protect yourselves, I will." He took out a small silver crucifix necklace from underneath his shirt. "This will protect us tonight from that demon, and besides, I ordered extra garlic on my pizza tonight in expectation of being dragged into this mess. A word to the wise is sufficient, but even a fool can recognize a pattern when it happens often enough."

Madapple smiled. "I'm glad to hear it. Well then, gentlemen, tonight we'll kill a vampire."

Chapter IX: In which the vampire is discovered and a weighty decision is made.

A waxing gibbous hung in the sky, defying all proper conventions of meteorology for a night such as this. A new moon, leaving a dark sky, would have been fine. A full moon, even better. Even a thin crescent might have sufficed, if no other moon were available. But a gibbous moon? Whoever heard of such a thing heralded a momentous occasion?

"This isn't proper," hissed Don Cocksote, his eyes on the moon. "We should wait a few days until the moon is full."

"I've waited long enough," whispered Madapple. "Did Cyrus wait until the proper time for campaigning when he fought Croesus? If you think tonight is inappropriate, then our adversary will be all the less suspecting, and the advantage will be ours."

"He's right, your grace. Whether this vampire is moral or monstrous, it doesn't hurt to catch her by surprise."

The good don grumbled, but agreed. The three men waited in the graveyard together, although for what, none of them were sure, except for Don Cocksote, who has sure, but incorrect. They had already been waiting for four hours, with no companions except for bottles and books.

"What's that?" asked Sancho, pointing towards the nearby stream. Madapple and Don Cocksote followed his finger, and saw a dark figure making its way towards one of the houses.

"It looks like it's going towards the Tuckers' house," Madapple reported.

"She must be after the entire family, hoping to complete the full set of lives she's taken!" Sancho groaned.

"She must be enamored with someone in that house, and, fearing the prejudices of mankind, only dares to approach her lover under the cover of darkness, for she knows that were her love to become public knowledge, she would be persecuted and hunted by the very kith and kin of her beloved."

"It's moving pretty slowly. I think we can intercept it; come on, let's go," said Madapple, leading the three to the slowly moving figure. They ducked and weaved between hedges and against walls, and through great exertion, managed to catch the figure just as it had reached the door of the home.

"Stop, foul monster!"

"That's no way to speak to a lady, Sancho..."

A bright light came from Madapple's flashlight. A young woman's face became illuminated, her lips bright red, her skin pale, her hair as dark as night.

"Stand back, your grace!" cried Sancho, brandishing his argent cross at the woman, shielding Don Cocksote with his own body. "She can't touch the faithful!"

But Madapple stepped forward and gently pushed them both behind him, and with a gentle sigh, said simply, "Catherine."

"Catherine?!"

"Mister Madapple..."

"My my, it seems I misspoke before when I said our village had no strangers. It appears we have one on their way. How far along are you, Catherine?"

"About five months, sir..."

"Your parents kicked you out when they found out?"

"Oh no! Nothing like that! I...I wasn't sure what mom would do when she found out, so before I started to show, I ran off. Peter's big brother had a cabin in the woods. I figured if we stayed there until the baby was born, my parents wouldn't be able to try and stop us or get mad."

"Ah, a fait accompli. Very sound, strategically. Never ask permission for what you're going to do anyway... But the whole town's worried sick, Catherine. They thought Patience had gotten you."

She giggled. "The vampire? Who believes in that stuff?" she asked, while Don Cocksote and Sancho both found a sudden interest in constellations. "I'm sorry I made everyone worry, but we were just afraid what everyone would think, and this seemed simplest..."

Madapple placed his hand on her shoulder. "Well, you're an adult, so it's your choice, but after seeing how your family's taken it, I think they'll be thrilled to have not only their daughter back, but a grandchild, as well.

"If you want to stay hidden, though, please, stay with Hope and me, so that someone can keep an eye on you. Our house is big enough that we can keep you hidden from the town until your time comes, and we'll take you to the hospital, too."

"Really?"

"Really. Is Peter still at the cabin?" Catherine nodded. "Alright, let's go get him, and you two can decide what you want to do." Madapple turned to Don Cocksote and Sancho. "As for you two, thank you for your help tonight. If you want, you can head back to the house. Hope will make you up a bed, and we'll finish all this in the morning."

"That sounds wonderf-"

"Not until this couple is happily reunited, mayor!" brayed Don Cocksote. Sancho's eyes narrowed as he continued. "We insist on escorting you to your destination, and only after everything has happened satisfactorily will we allow ourselves to rest. Isn't that right, Sancho?"

"Yes, your grace..."

The four of them made their uneventful way to the cabin and Peter. Once they arrived, the three men waited outside, while Catherine and Peter discussed what they thought was best for them. After a long while, the young couple emerged from the cabin, and asked to be brought back to their families.

Chapter X: In which families are reunited and Mayor Matthias Madapple gives Don Cocksote and Sancho Pantsless their rewards.

Madapple insisted on waiting until morning before the reunion, reasoning that whether things went well or ill, everyone would benefit from first having a proper night's sleep.

During the night, the sounds of banging and moans awoke Cocksote and Sancho.

"Your grace!" Sancho whispered. "Wake up, your grace!"

"What is it, Sancho? You just ruined my waltz with Maria Theresa! Ah, and she had quite the décolletage on display, too..."

"Your grace, listen! The townsfolk were right, and there is a vampire! Can't you hear it struggling above us? It must be attacking Madapple and his wife!"

The two of them listened. Passionate cries came through the ceiling. "Ahh..." Cocksote mused. He cleared his throat. "Ah, well you see, Sancho... Before bed, Madapple told me that he happens to be a master of the sport of vampire wrestling."

"A master?"

"Yes! Why, he's a grandmaster, at least, and a black belt, a yokozuna, and a strategos, to boot. If we were to attempt to aid him now, I guarantee you, we would only get in the way. I suggest that we allow him to continue his conquest alone for now."

"What about his wife?"

"Oh, I'm certain he's taking excellent care of his beloved right now, Sancho. If you like, I'll keep watch, and if the vampire comes downstairs, having vanquished our stalwart defender, I'll awaken you, and your faith can keep us both safe while we attend to Madapple, but for now, we would be easy prey for any vampire, and so let us leave it to the expert."

"If you think that's wisest, your grace..."

"I do, Sancho. Now return to your slumber, and I'll rouse you the moment I see a vampire."

"If you wish to borrow my necklace, your grace, you can defeat him alone, and wake me up when it's all over, too."

"I'll do that, then. Get your rest, Sancho."

And so Don Cocksote kept watch for another half an hour until the sounds stopped and he could return to his Hapsburg dreams, having honorably discharged his duties both to Sancho and to love.

The next morning, the families reunited, and there was so much celebration that, were I to write down even half of what took place, this story would have to be submitted in two parts, and so it is with a heavy heart that I must omit what took place, except to say that nine months later, there were a number of new additions to the village.

As the festivities wound down, Madapple approached our heroes with a beautiful, bespectacled, Celestial woman, whose two massive jugs attracted Sancho's gaze. She handed them to Sancho with a smile, who eager grasped them with both hands. "Here's your reward, as promised, Sancho," said Madapple. "As much of our beer as you can carry. And as for your reward, Don Cocksote..."

"Put away your checkbook, Mister Madapple, and give my reward to Sancho in the kind to which he is accustomed. He risked his safety for mine last night, and danger or not, such bravery deserves its own reward. A few more dollars will not make me any happier, but I believe that Sancho's condition will be much improved."

"Your grace... Thank you, sir, thank you!"

"Think nothing of it, my friend. Had she been a real vampire, you would have saved my life!"

"Can your Vespa carry any more, though? If you want, we can ship it your home, and it can wait there for you," offered Madapple.

"A miracle delivered right to your door? Yes, please, Mister Madapple!" Sancho scribbled down his address on a piece of paper and handed it to the mayor.

"Ah, but I have one more reward for you, Don Cocksote, one which will make you happier, I guarantee it." He reached into his inner coat pocket and pulled out a yellowed map, marked with a large, red X. "Follow this map, and you'll find something wonderful at the X, something which you of all people can appreciate most. Well, I'll let you two be on your way. You've spent enough time here and accomplished enough. We can't thank you enough."

"No thanks are needed! It is my sacred duty to bring lovers together whenever possible, and join those together who have been separated. But I thank you for the map, and I cannot wait to discovery whence it shall lead us. Are you ready, Sancho?"

"Yes, your grace! The sooner we begin, the sooner we can take a rest stop and have an excuse for a drink! The early bird gets the worm, so let's leave now so we have time for a few stops before nightfall."

"Onwards, then, to more adventures!"

Chapter XI: In which the fabled and legendary Gates of Yamaku are found and a revelation is had.

Don Cocksote and Sancho Pantsless left the town only a little later, after saying goodbye to Peter, Catherine, and the rest of the town, weighed down a little by full stomachs, and a little more by Sancho's reward. With Madapple's map to guide them, they passed through the countryside, past small towns and farms, over bridges and through tunnels, until finally, they approached a small city: their destination.

Celery sputtered and gasped as they bobbed up and down the numerous hills and around the ubiquitous turns, until finally, they reached what they had come all this way to see. Don Cocksote stopped Celery and parked, leaving Sancho to diligently place a few quarters into the parking meter, lest they receive a ticket. By the time Sancho caught up with Don Cocksote, the old man was on his knees before a large, ornate gate. It was intricate black iron, with a red cross in a white oval at the top. On either side of it were tall, brick and stone columns. Behind the gate stood a wide field of green and behind that, a large, academic building.