The Honda Odyssey

I asked, "What made you stop? Why did you end it?"

She said, "After we left Susan in Little Rock, I began to think back on our lives. About all the fun we had together before the kids were born. Remembering their births, their first words, their first steps, everything that happened, good and bad up to this point.

"Then you told me about how well we prepared the kids to be on their own and make the right choices. That we should be proud of what we did. I realized how fortunate I was to have two wonderful children. I had a husband who loved me unconditionally, who provided for our family and always put us before his wants or needs. I had it all and my affair probably killed it.

"Then you wanted to go to dinner and celebrate. You don't know how much I wanted to do that. But after what I did, I couldn't go with you to celebrate. I had to sort things out and figure out what to do. The only thing I knew I had to do was end it with Paul. So I told you I couldn't skip volunteering. That gave me some time to think and talk to him."

I said, "What made you decide to confess? You could've just ended it and never told me a thing. What I didn't know wouldn't hurt me."

She said, "Believe me, I thought about doing that. That would've been the easy way out. That might've worked except for two things. If you ever found out, I knew you would never forgive me, not after hiding it from you. But the main thing was that I knew I couldn't live with myself. I would feel so bad trying to keep a secret like that. It would've eventually eaten me up and I'm sure you would notice. Then I'd have to tell you. So, I decided to do it now and hope that you would at least listen to me and consider forgiving me. I'm sorry I betrayed your trust and fidelity. I don't want a divorce. I can't imagine my life without you. Please don't just end our marriage without at least thinking about it." She broke down crying again.

We just sat there in silence. She finally asked if I had any more questions. I shook my head. She got up and said she would be back. After a couple of minutes she walked into the kitchen with an overnight bag. I asked what she was doing.

She said, "I called my mother and told her I needed stay with her awhile. When I tell her what I've done, she's going to be so upset and disappointed in me. I know you don't want to be around me now. This was all my fault, so I decided to give you some space to think about everything. I won't call and bother you. When you want to talk, let me know. I'm so sorry, please believe me. I do love you, I really do." Then she left.

After she left, I must have sat there at least 30 minutes without moving. I couldn't believe what just happened. I knew she was cheating and I knew I was going to confront her. But I had no idea she would confess. And the way she did it, she didn't hold anything back. She answered all my questions. Her facts matched mine. What now? If I had to confront her, my first thought was divorce. But now I wasn't sure. I have to give her some credit for doing the right thing. But then again, if she hadn't done it in the first place, there wouldn't be a right thing that needed to be done. I don't even know what I'm saying. My mind is mush. I decided to go to bed. Maybe things would be clearer in the morning.

They weren't. I had a restless night. I thought about taking the day off, but what was I going to do, sit here playing it over and over in my mind? I decided to go to work and try to take my mind off it, but I didn't get much accomplished. Thoughts of her sucking and fucking him wouldn't go away. I decided I wanted to meet Paul. I didn't intend to go kick his ass or anything. I just wanted to ask him some questions.

After work, I went to his hotel and knocked on the door. He opened it and I asked, "Are you Paul?" He said he was. I said, "I'm Tom, Lisa's husband. She's told you about me and she's told me about you. I thought it would be good to talk." He got a worried look on his face and tried to close the door. I stuck my foot in the door to stop him and said, "Don't worry. I'm not here to fight. I just want some answers." He thought a minute and finally opened the door.

I walked in and sat on the bed. I said, "So this is where you fucked?" He didn't say anything. I said, "Lisa tells me you worked together about 6 years before moving to St. Louis. She said you were good friends and talked about everything. Did she ever say she was unhappy with me or our marriage?"

He said, "No, never. She always had good things to say about you. She said you were a good husband and father. She was very happy with her family and her life."

I said, "She told me about the breakup of your marriage. Your wife cheated on you. That must've been very hard to understand and accept. Believe me, I know EXACTLY how you felt. She said she thought talking with you helped you get through it. Is that right?"

He hesitated a little then said, "Yes, it is. She listened to me pour my heart out. She really helped me see that it wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong, my ex-wife did."

"That's really great that she was there for you, really great. But who's going to help me? Who am I going to talk to? Who's going to let me vent my anger, my fears, my hurt? Who!?" He just sat there. I said, "After what you went through, how could you help her do the same thing to me? How could you help her ruin our marriage?"

He said, "I don't know. You're right, I helped her do the same thing to you that my ex-wife did to me. I didn't think about it. I let my feelings for Lisa get out of hand. I'm sorry, I really am."

"Do you love her? Does she love you? Do you want to be with her?"

He said, "I think I could easily fall in love with her. And yes, I want to be with her. But it's never going to happen. She doesn't love me. She loves you. Tuesday, I tried to get her to leave you and be with me. She said there was no way that would happen. That even if you left her, she absolutely wouldn't be with me. She said our affair and our friendship was over. She never wanted to see me again. She really feels bad. She was crying most of the time we talked. She's so afraid you are going to divorce her. I hope you don't. I hope you decide to forgive her. She's really an extraordinary woman. Don't let this one foolish mistake ruin your life together."

I sat there a minute and got up to leave. I stopped when I got to the door and said, "There's one more thing." He asked what it was. I hit him in his face as hard as I could. He staggered back, holding his nose. Blood began pouring out and it felt like I broke my hand. Then, I kicked his balls and watched him crumble to his knees and left.

I didn't call Lisa. I just kept thinking about everything that happened. Tuesday evening, I called Paul's room. He answered and I hung up. I called the hospital and asked it Lisa was there tonight. They said she was, but she was with a patient's family helping them fill out insurance forms. Well, at least she wasn't with him. But who knows what she's been doing. She could be fucking him every night. I knew how to find out. I would go talk to her mother, Angie. We had always gotten along great. I liked and respected her. She was a no-nonsense woman and didn't mind telling you exactly what she thought. Maybe she could tell me what was going on.

I went to see her Wednesday at lunchtime. When she opened the door, she hugged me and said it was good to see me. She asked if I wanted something to eat. I told her I haven't had much of an appetite lately. She poured me a glass of tea and we sat down. She asked me how I was. I said, "I'm OK." She just looked at me and I finally said, "Alright, I'm not OK. I'm terrible. I can't believe what's happened. I don't know what to do."

She said, "I'm so sorry for what happened. When Lisa told me what she did, I couldn't believe it either. I never thought my little girl could do something like that. I must have yelled at her for 15 minutes nonstop. How could she have been so stupid, so selfish, so cruel? I told her you were the best thing that ever happened to her and she had probably just pissed it away. She started trying to explain, but I told it was bull. There was no possible excuse for what she did. I told her I was so disappointed and ashamed of her. I even threatened to throw her out, but I didn't. She's my daughter.

"Wednesday, she called in sick and stayed in her room crying. She was going to call in Thursday, but I told her she better stop feeling sorry for herself and go to work. I told her that if you divorced her she was going to need her job. She just ran to her room crying, but she got up and went to work. That was a start. But every day she comes straight home and just goes to her room and cries.

"Monday, I asked if she was going to volunteer. She said she didn't think so. I told her she had obligations and she better start living up to them. Then I asked her why you two haven't been talking. She told me she was giving you some space to figure things out. I told her she better start doing something or she was going to have more space than she knew what to do with after the divorce. She ran to her room crying, but she went.

"I'm glad you came by. I was going to call you. I want to know why you two haven't been talking. Why haven't you called Lisa? You know the longer you wait, the harder it's going to be to get back together. Unless that's not what you want. Do you want to try to get back together?"

I said, "I just don't know what I want yet."

She said, "Bull. You've had over a week to think about it. You must have some idea. It's a simple question. Do you still love her?" I just shrugged. She said, "Come on Tom. Deep in your heart you know how you feel. Do you still love her or not?"

I sat there a minute and finally said, "Yes, I do. I still love her. But I hate her too, for what she did to me." Tears welled up in my eyes.

She said, "You know, she still loves you. She's been kicking herself in the butt nonstop. Look, I'm not defending her. She made a terrible mistake. She did the worst thing a married woman could do. But, I believe she's genuinely sorry. Look, she confessed. She could've ended the affair and never said a word. Instead, she staked your marriage on her faith and trust in you and your judgment. That's got to count for something. Please call and talk to her. Maybe it won't make any difference. Your marriage may already be dead. But can't you at least talk about it first?"

I said, "OK, I guess we can talk. I'm not promising anything, but we'll talk."

She thanked me and I told her I had to get back to work. She hugged me again and said, "I know you'll do what's best for both of you."

After I got home, I called Lisa. When she recognized my voice, she started crying and telling me how sorry she was. I finally said, "Lisa, if you tell me that you're sorry one more time, I'm going to hang up. Do you understand?" She said she did. I said, "Look, we need to talk, to try to sort things out and see if there's a chance for us. Why don't you come by the house Saturday around 2pm?" She said she would and maybe we could go to dinner afterwards. I said, "No, I don't think so. This isn't a social call or a date. We need to decide if we still have a marriage or not." She seemed disappointed but said she understood and would be here.

At 2pm the doorbell rang. Lisa was right on time. I opened the door and when I saw her, my heart skipped a beat. She looked lovely. I invited her in and said, "This is still your house too. You don't have to ring the bell and be invited in." She said thanks, but she didn't think it would be right, after what she did.

I got us some tea and we at down. I said, "You know, it's your mother that forced us to get off dead center. She's something else."

She said, "Yes she is. You can't imagine the grief she gave me when I told her. It was almost as bad as telling you."

We laughed and sat there in silence for a minute before I said, "I guess you answered most of my questions last time, but I have a few more, OK?" She nodded.

I said, "For the record, I've been completely faithful to you since before we got engaged. I'm not saying the thought never crossed my mind, but I never seriously considered it. I think you told me, but since we've been engaged, how many times have you been unfaithful to me?"

She said, "Only this one time, never before. Like you, it crossed my mind, but until Paul, I always dismissed it."

I said, "Thinking back, I believe you cut off sex with me before you sucked him. You told me you were too tired and under too much stress from work, Susan's graduation and move. You just didn't feel like it. And trusting me, believed you and backed off. That really hurt. You stopped making love to me so you could fuck your lover. Did we have sex after you started with him?"

She said, "I never had sex with you after the first time with him. I couldn't have sex with both of you. I just couldn't. It would've forced me to realize how cruel and selfish I was being and that I had to stop. But, I didn't want to stop. So I cut you off physically and emotionally too."

I said, "Now that you've had time to think, do you even realize how much you hurt and humiliated me? How inadequate you made me feel that I couldn't satisfy you sexually and emotionally. That you had to get that from another man?"

She was in tears and said, "I do now. I didn't think about it at the time. I was only concerned with myself. I know I hurt you unmercifully. I can only imagine how you feel. I'm sorry. I don't know how to take that pain away. But I want you to know that I never felt you were inadequate in any way. What I did wasn't because you didn't satisfy me. My affair had nothing to do with you. It was all about me. I let it happen. I was selfish. I thought I should be able to have it all. And finally, I realized I couldn't. I realized I wanted you. When I ended it, I had to tell you. Our marriage couldn't be based on a lie like that."

I said, "I'm glad to hear you accept responsibility for your actions. But I don't know that I agree with everything you said. If I was truly adequate and I completely satisfied you, you wouldn't have done it. There would be no need for you to even consider cheating, at least not seriously. There had to be a sexual or emotional need I couldn't fill."

She thought a minute and said, "I don't see it like that. Emotional and sexual adequacy and satisfaction are the responsibility of both partners. Both have to be giving 100%. Sometimes one partner or the other isn't doing their part. Sometimes both partners aren't. In any case, the marriage suffers. You were doing your part, I wasn't. My dissatisfaction, or rather my perceived dissatisfaction, was due to my inadequacy, not yours. Like I said, you did nothing wrong. Don't ever believe you did."

I thought a few seconds and said, "I guess so. I'll have to think about that some more. In any case, I'm glad you decided to tell me. If you waited for me to confront you and began lying and denying it until I showed you my evidence, we wouldn't be talking, our lawyers would."

She looked puzzled and asked, "I don't understand. What do you mean? What evidence?"

I said, "Just that." I pulled out an envelope of pictures I had hidden under the newspapers and handed it to her.

She took it and hesitantly opened it. She gasped when she saw them and said, "You knew? How? When?"

I said, "When we were packing for Little Rock, I removed the seats in the Honda and saw the cargo space under the seats. I opened it to see if there was room to put anything in. It was full and as I started to close it, I noticed a bag shoved in the corner. I don't know why, but I pulled it out and looked in it. I didn't want to confront you in front of Susan. We had to get her moved, so I put it back and didn't say anything.

"Then Monday I got the bag and took pictures and made copies of everything. I figured you would meet him Tuesday, so I asked you out. When you refused, I knew it was true. Tuesday evening, I followed you to the hotel. Then I went to the hospital and they said you hadn't been there in a month. I went home and was going to confront you, but you beat me to it."

She shook her head and said, "I had no idea that you found out. I'm glad I confessed."

I said, "I have one more question. If I decide for us to try work it out and get back together, how do I know you won't do it again?"

She thought a minute and said, "I guess you don't. All I can say is that I promise it won't happen again. But for that to mean anything, you would have to trust me. And after what I did, you can't, at least not yet. I hope that one day I'll be able to earn that back. But right now, all you have is my word, which doesn't mean much. We're in a Catch-22. I guess you'll have to take a chance on me and our marriage."

I sat there a minute and said, "Despite what you did to me, I still love you. I don't want a divorce, at least not now. I want to try to get back together." She started crying and threw her arms around me. After a few seconds I hugged her back and found myself crying too.

After we settled down, I said, "But, I'm not ready for you to move back here and into our bed. I'm just not ready for that. I think we should take it slow. We can meet for lunch a few times during the week and we can go out on the weekend. It would be kind of like when we were dating. Is that OK?" She said, "That sound fine. I just want us to work on getting back together."

I said, "OK, let's meet for lunch Thursday and we can go out Saturday."

We went to lunch and things were still a little tense and awkward. I guess we were feeling each other out. Saturday, I picked her up at her Mom's house and we had a nice dinner and went to a movie. When I took her home, I walked her to the door and told her I had a nice time. Then I kissed her. Nothing elaborate, just a kiss you would have on a first date. But it was nice. I found myself smiling all the way home.

We continued dating for about 3 months. We did things we used to do when we were dating and first married, things we hadn't had time for since the kids were born. We went to the park and flew a kite. We went to the zoo, we went bowling, we went to the theater and to ballgames. We really began to enjoy each other is a way we hadn't in such a long time. Our goodnight kisses became make-out sessions in the living room of her Mom's house. She caught us once and just smiled and walked away. Thoughts of her affair still lingered at times, but more and more, they were replaced by thoughts of Lisa. I finally realized that I wanted her back in my life full time. I wanted her home with me.

Saturday, after eating, Lisa asked what we were going to do. I told her I didn't care but first I wanted to stop by our house and show her something. When we arrived she asked what it was. I told her I would be right back. I came back with and elaborately wrapped present and gave it to her. She asked what it was for. I said, "We've been dating 3 months. I guess it's sort of an anniversary present."

She smiled and started unwrapping it. She opened the box and removed the tissue paper. It was a new negligee, completely different from the one she ruined. It was jade green and very sheer and revealing. She held it up and looked at it and then looked at me. She said, "It's beautiful." She hesitantly asked, "Does this mean what I think it does? Do you want me to put it on?"

I said, "Yes, I love you and I want you back here at home with me. I want us back together. Do you want that?"

She threw her arms around me and said, "Oh Yes! More than anything I want that. You don't know how much I want that." We held each other and she cried until there were no more tears. She said, "I'll go freshen up and change. Why don't you fix us a drink and I'll meet you in bed."