The Human Condition Ch. 05

He told me to roll over on my stomach, then helped me accomplish that goal with a gentle grip. He stretched out on top of me, giving me a taste of what was to come by sliding his cock up and down my crack, marking his territory. He slid down and spread my ass with both hands and lowered his face.

I felt myself open up both mentally and physically. It was a shock. I'd never realized how complicated it was for a man to give himself like I was doing. And maybe for some it isn't. But I know now for me, the act of penetration, of being fucked, is the most difficult act of submission I will ever willingly undergo. I'd like to think of myself as an intuitive lover. But until that day with Cam, the real issue of giving my ass had escaped me.

In my defense, I'd never been with a virgin. My first few times, were with a college guy back home for the summer, who was looking for someone to fill in for his absent boyfriend. He gave me his butt and a taste for more mature lovers. So for a long time, I avoided encounters with boys my own age and less experience. It wasn't until college, that I started dating my peers, and they'd already fumbled through most of the basics of gay sex. Even Bobby the Baptist, had been experienced. A gift from a friend's older brother was how he'd described it.

In any case, the men I had taken had already faced whatever epiphanies submitting to another man's cock had created for them. And they didn't discuss their views on that subject with me. In my ignorance, the only thing I'd thought about was the possibility of pain. Now I was learning different.

"How's that?" Cam asked as he slipped another finger into my hole.

I moaned and lifted my hips for better access. His tongue slurped at my crack, keeping it moist and slippery. Then he raised his head and spoke.

"Do you like that Baby? Are my fingers filling you up?"

He twisted his hand and stretched the digits inside of me, stroking my prostrate. I gasped and threw back my head.

"Christ!"

"You love it, don't you?" He chuckled softly in my ear. "Tell me the truth or I'll stop." He stilled his hand as a warning.

"Don't stop," I couldn't believe he'd even suggested that. "Yes I love it, oh God, I love it."

His fingers started to work their magic again and I practically purred in relief.

"It can get even better," keeping his hand firmly in place; he moved his body until his head rested on my shoulder. He licked my ear, then bit down gently and pulled back, dragging his teeth over the fleshy lob. "You want it to get better don't you?"

I moaned in response to his words, and the thrust of his fingers that he'd timed to accompany them.

"Tell me you want it to get better, Mike."

"Please..." Was all I managed to get out.

"Not good enough, Mike. Not nearly, good enough."

I knew that. I knew he'd only be satisfied if I begged him for what I, by then, needed so desperately. A tiny piece of resistance left over in a corner of my mind screamed no, tell him no, wait until it's what you really want; with the man you really need. But even as the thought formed it faded; overwhelmed by the desire in my ass.

"Fuck me," I whispered hoarsely. "Stick your cock in me. Do it now, I need it."

He withdrew his fingers and I moaned at the loss. I rolled on my side and watched as he broke open a condom packet and rolled the latex over his shaft. He grabbed a tube of lube and applied it to his cock.

"Get on your hands and knees," he whispered.

I did it. I would have done anything he asked right then, as long as it meant getting that rod of his in my ass. He placed a pillow under my chest. Then he squeezed a huge globe of lube on my crack.

I shivered, but it was more in anticipation, then from the cold of the gel. He worked it into my pucker and I pushed back trying to fill myself up with his fingers again, anything to fill the void.

"Your ass is greedy, Mike," Cam laughed.

"Just hurry," I said and he laughed again.

"For a boy who said no yesterday, you certainly changed your mind."

"Jesus Christ, Cam!" I was in no mood for small talk.

"Patience baby. I don't want to rush this, and whether you know it or not, you won't either."

He got on his knees behind me and positioned his cock at my entrance. My arms trembled and my back arched from the light contact. Cam grabbed my hips and held me tightly.

"Here's to expanding your horizons, Mike."

He pushed hard and my eyes flew open wide. Oh shit, it burned. My body automatically tried to escape the pain, but Cam had a good grip. He'd known what would happen.

"Hurts," I managed to grunt out.

"Shh baby, I know, just relax and push out."

I didn't know if I could. I wasn't sure I wanted to. Cam kept pressing in though, and suddenly with a pop, his knob was in my ass.

"Oh shit!" Sweat beaded up on my brow and I thrashed, trying to escape the hot poker embedded in me.

"It's okay baby. It's okay. We'll just stay this way for a while, until you're used to it."

I wanted to say I didn't think there was that much time left in my life, but I couldn't speak. The pain in my ass took up too much of my concentration to allow me to form any words.

In retrospect, I guess it was only a few minutes that we stayed in that position. At the time however, it seemed like an hour. Cam spoke soothingly and used his hands to stroke my hips and back. Gradually, my muscles gave up their death grip on his cock until finally, I took a shaky breath of relief.

I'm going to move now," Cam said and I nodded.

Because regardless of the pain, I was committed, I wanted him to continue and finish what he'd started. I figured I'd come this far and, I was pretty sure anyway, that he wouldn't stop, no matter how I felt about it. But my sexual high was gone. My cock had shriveled and hung limply above my balls. I would go through with this; but I no longer expected any pleasure.

Cam moved a millimeter forward and a cramp seized me. He was so fucking big. Jesus Mike, I told myself, leave it to you to pick a guy with a dick of death to break your cherry. He backed up a little and the cramp subsided. Then he moved forward again.

Over and over he repeated this move until both of us were wet with sweat and our breath came out in short hard gasps. Finally, I felt his balls hit mine and it was done. Cam had taken my virginity.

He waited again, letting me get used to the feeling. I felt hot and sore and stuffed. Now that he was there, I was almost afraid to let him leave. I couldn't go through the pain of that journey again. But there was no way he could stay in that position forever.

Slowly, he withdrew his hips. The relief was enormous; I moaned as my stretched gut relaxed. Then he reversed his direction and I moaned again. It wasn't as bad as that first entry, but it was still too much and my body involuntarily struggled to get out from under him. Cam's fingers left marks in my skin where he dug in to keep me in place. Now, he didn't give me time to adjust, but reversed direction as soon as he hit bottom.

"Fuck!" I said as if either of us had to be reminded of what we were doing.

On the fifth stroke my arms gave out. I collapsed on the pillow Cam had placed under me. My muscles had finally given up the fight. Only my hands showed the strain as they gripped the sheets and twisted them tight until my knuckles turned white. Cam just pulled my hips higher and plowed on.

But something was different. The position had changed. His cock was hitting my button, sliding over it, every, single, time he moved. A shiver ran up my spine, and my own flaccid tool jerked and came out of the coma it had succumbed to at the initial shock of penetration.

"Oh fuck," I said again.

Now my voice held something other than pain. It was still there, but pleasure was taking over, dulling the ache, making it seem unimportant in comparison to the thrills my prostrate was producing.

Cam heard the difference. He laughed as he jabbed again, harder now, pushing me forward and driving my shoulders deeper into the bed. His cock pressed down on my spot.

"Fuck," I gasped and my eyes started to glaze as I lost all awareness of anything, but the pleasure in my ass.

"I knew you'd love it Mike," Cam gasped as he punched into me harder. "You love it don't you? It's what you need isn't it?"

"Oh God..."

"Tell me Mike, the truth now, you love it don't you baby."

He was right. I did love it. All of it. Even the pain seemed good now. I started to slam back into Cam, asking for more.

"Jesus, yes... So good, oh God Cam... Fuck me!"

By now my cock was throbbing. I couldn't get to it with my shoulders and arms pinned and Cam was leaning on me, making it impossible for me to move. I moved frantically, trying to find some way to give me the friction I craved. Cam realized my distress. His hand reached for me, once more asserting his control.

"Shit, yes!" I shouted at his touch.

He grabbed my cock and slid his sweaty palm over it. Once, twice and on the third stroke, I let go. My mouth dropped open as a groan escaped it. I dumped my load into his hand, as my ass quivered wildly.

Cam never broke his rhythm. Still the victor, he kept up fucking me for another endless 5 minutes. I was helpless to do anything but take it. Then with the roar of a conqueror he tensed and spilled his seed into the thin latex that separated us.

As soon as he finished, he rolled off and lay limply beside me. I couldn't move as I watched him reach down and peel off the remains of his passion. His wet cock flopped harmlessly down on his bush. He tied the rubber into a miniature balloon and threw it out onto the floor, beyond the stateroom. Then he looked at me, and grinned.

"Want a beer?"

What I wanted was to be held.

"Sure, that's fine."

Cam stood stiffly and growled. "Jesus Mike, nobody could ever say you're easy."

He walked out of the room without looking back. I curled on my side and tried not to think about what had just happened. At twenty-one, I had just found out I wasn't John Wayne; the disappointment was acute.

But, and I grinned a little at this, I had to admit the sex had been great. I stretched to the side of the bed and found the towel Cam had used earlier. It was cold but still wet and I wiped my chest and ass and winced at the tenderness.

Cam came back to the bed and stood looking at me. I'd finished my clean up, and had gone back on my side. I was shivering a little. It was cold in that room, a fact that had escaped me, in the heat of sex.

"Here hold these." He gave me the beers and disappeared again.

He returned in a moment with a big down comforter that he snapped open over me, and the bed. Then he crawled into our nest and took the bottle I offered him. He drank deeply and sighed.

He placed the bottle on the shelf behind us and smiled at me. "Come over here."

I scooted over and he took my untasted beer and sat it next to his. He opened his arms and I crawled into them. For the first time, I really understood the need for contact that my previous partners had shown after sex.

It is the reassurance that too much has not been given away and identities have not been lost in the heat of passion. The line, 'Will you respect me in the morning?' suddenly stopped being so funny and I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from saying it out loud.

For his part, Cam didn't tell me he loved me, but he didn't push me away either. Maybe the latter would come in time.

We stayed in that bed until we were warm again. Cam held me while I drowsed, until a beep from his watch woke me up for good and he said we needed to get going, if we didn't want to have to spend the night here. Then he reached behind us and grabbed the butt plug. My eyes widened, but he just laughed and said he didn't want to leave it on the boat. He winked and whispered we might need it this winter.

We barely made it back before dark. We moored the Jenny Elise, and Cam dropped the keys off at the harbormaster's office. Then we headed quietly out to his car. I winced when I sat down as stiff muscles reminded me they'd had a workout. Cam laughed softly, but he made no comment and I noticed he got into his seat a little slowly too.

Again we broke our trip with a meal. This time at a little Italian place Cam had discovered on a previous trip. It was dark and romantic and it cast a glow over us that softened the less idyllic aspects of our little adventure. When we finally pulled into my driveway, I was regretting the day was over.

Cam walked me to my door and waited while I opened it, but he refused to come in. He had an early meeting in the morning and he wanted to get a good night's sleep, something, he said with a wink, he doubted would happen with me in his arms. He kissed me, a soft full kiss that I returned with an acceptance I wouldn't have been able to manage that morning.

"I'll call you tomorrow," he whispered.

I waited as he went down the stairs, and watched as his car lights disappeared in the darkness. Then I went through the open door and not bothering with a light, shut and locked it.

"Have a good time?"

The voice was quiet but it hit me with the force of a bullet. I spun around and saw a figure, sitting in the dark, on my couch.

"Jesus Christ, Joe," I yelled. "You scared the Hell out of me."

"Too bad lover boy didn't stick around a little longer, he could have protected you."

My shoulders sagged; I didn't need this kind of shit from him right now. I threw my keys on a table and snapped on a light.

"Yeah, Joe, real funny," I sighed. "What the hell are you doing here anyway?"

"That was quite a little show the two of you were putting on there. Very romantic, I almost cried."

I looked at him puzzled. I was the sarcastic member of this team. He only used it when he was angry.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Forget it." He stood and walked towards the door.

I reached over to stop him, but he flung his hands up and wouldn't let me touch him. We stood and stared at each other.

"Okay, out with it," I forced my voice to be calm. "Tell me what but got up your ass."

"What makes you think anything's wrong?" His voice matched mine in tone, but his eyes were hot and furious.

"Well gee, I come home in the middle of the night and find you sitting all alone, in the dark," I was tired, and the events of the day were starting to catch up to me. I wanted to think about Cam, not deal with Joe in a snit. "So yeah," I continued. "I must be a fucking gypsy to figure out something's wrong."

I walked over to the couch and plopped down. My body again reminded me that it had just been tested to the max. The memory of Cam and me in that big bed rose up in my mind. A flicker of it must have showed in my face. Joe took it all in.

"Well a fucking something," he muttered.

"Get out," I said softly. "It's late and we're both tired and you're obviously not willing to tell me what the fuck is bothering you. So just leave, before we both say things we don't mean and will eventually regret."

Perversely, now that I was trying to make him leave, he was no longer willing to go. We went back to our staring match.

"I waited for you for hours," he finally said.

I sighed and scrubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands. "Yeah well," I closed my eyes, I was so tired suddenly, I could have fallen asleep right there. "I was gone for the day."

"So I noticed," his voice was grim. "And last night too. I called until after 12."

"I was busy, sorry. I have a life you know."

"Right," he snorted. "And now Cam controls it."

"Okay that's it!" I was majorly pissed. "I don't have to put up with this bullshit from you. You're absolutely right. Cam and I are spending a lot of time together. That's what you do in the beginning of a relationship. Shit, Joe, of all people, you ought to be aware of that. How many fucking girlfriends have you had since I've known you, five, six, ten?"

"But I never let a woman come between our friendship."

"And I'm not going to let that happen with Cam either," I protested.

"Shit, Mike, you already have," he shook his head. "I needed to talk to you dude."

"Well, here I am, talk to me."

"Oh right, so you can nod your head and pretend to listen while you think about getting back in the sack with your boyfriend. Not an option."

I stared at him opened mouthed. In the three years I'd known Joe, he'd never acted like this. I could feel rage welling up in my chest. I stood to give it room to grow.

"Listen to me and listen good," I said through clenched jaws. "This isn't a goddamn movie."

"What the fuck's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, dude," I spit the jock word out like it was poison. "I'm not your side kick! I'm not the comic relief gay guy in the story of your life. I have my own life to live and in it, I have the staring role. If you don't like that or can't accept it then I expect you to go away, and stay away, until you can."

"Fuck you Mike," He shot me a look of pure malice. It took my breath away. "But then, I suppose that's already being taken care of."

"Don't cross that line, Joe," I warned. I don't think he even heard me.

"Jesus Christ, Mike what are you doing? This guy, this Cam, you don't know him! You don't know what he's done, who he's been with. Oh shit, if you knew what I knew. If you'd seen what I had..."

My anger erupted. I knew that Joe was increasingly involved in a new AIDS research project. But that didn't give him the right to tell me how to live my life. And it sure as Hell didn't make him my moral superior.

"You think I'm stupid Joe? You think I live in lala land, totally oblivious to everything that's going around me? You sit in a fucking lab and look at tissue samples and tell me I don't know reality."

"That isn't all I do, I see patients who..."

"Yeah, but have you actually ever seen a person die of AIDS, Joe? Have you ever stood there and watched the sweet, funny kid who was your best friend in the eighth grade die in the already wasted arms of his lover? Have you heard the screams of someone whose pain is so huge, there isn't a drug on earth that could begin to touch it? And when he goes blind; all you can feel is relieved, because at least now, you can't see the fear in his eyes."

Joe looked at me stunned.

My anger left; all I felt was empty. "See Joe," I said softly, "I didn't tell you everything I did on my summer vacation."

"Oh God," his eyes had tears in them, but then so did mine. "I'm sorry, so sorry."

"Yeah," I said heavily. "So am I."

I sat back on the couch and after a moment's hesitation; Joe joined me in his usual spot.

"Want to tell me about it?" He asked.

"Yes, I do." I nodded, realizing for the first time, that I couldn't bottle it up anymore. "But not tonight okay, I don't think I could handle it tonight."

"Whenever you're ready."

I looked into his face and saw nothing there but concern. Joe wasn't a moralist, and he wasn't a bigot. His anger earlier had stemmed from his fear for my safety. I hadn't been fair when I'd laid this guilt trip on him. I knew better than anybody how much he cared about the people who had AIDS. He'd bitched over and over about the lack of funding and the lack of concern by Congress and the population at large.

"Neither Cam nor I have a death wish, Joe," I watched him swallow hard as I said those words. "Shit, I don't know why I'm going to tell you this, cause it's really none of your business, but we used protection. We always will."

"Good, good," he said softly. "I'm glad to hear it."

He stood awkwardly and I followed him as he headed to the door. As he turned the knob, I thought of something.

"Hey, you never did tell me why you wanted to talk to me."

"Oh that, stupid really," he frowned. "Betsy's back in town and she wants us to get together. I just wanted to see what you thought."