The Incident Ch. 01

I smiled a bit wryly as I remembered regaling Reggie with the story of my marriage. Jeez, I really must have been maudlin as well as tanked, but strangely, I wasn't too upset. Reggie's a good guy and talking about it seemed to have relieved at least a tiny bit of the pain. Then suddenly the scene at my house that eventful evening came to mind and I actually cringed.

After all these years, it's still so vivid. It's like a film being repeated again and again in my head. I can still see myself unlocking my front door and walking into the house. The babysitter was gone. Casey sat in the living room, staring at me.

"You rotten, fucking bastard. You can't know how much I loath you right now. You're scum, you're horseshit, you don't deserve a loving family," she literally hissed, spittle flying from her lips. Her eyes were as cold as ice and I saw that there wasn't much color in her face, she looked ashen.

I just stood there. I didn't know what to say. She was right to a degree, but I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to tell her that what she saw wasn't exactly what it appeared. It wasn't planned; she took advantage of me; I had too much to drink. Bullshit - all bullshit. I couldn't defend myself. There wasn't anything that I could think of to say that would mitigate what had happened. I just stood there and let her tear me apart, and she did. She continued to curse me, she used words that I never imagined she even knew.

Strangely, Casey never raised her voice. She kept her voice down, not wanting to wake the kids I imagine. It didn't make any difference. In fact the whisper quiet of her virulence only seemed to magnify the hatred and hurt that she expressed.

"Get out, Alex. Get some of your clothes and whatever, and get the hell out. I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to hear from you. NOW, GODDAMN YOU, NOW," and now she was shouting. She quickly looked up the stairs and kept still for a moment, worrying that the kids may have awakened. After a moment of silence, she again turned to me. "Out, out, out. Get the fuck out of this house and out of my life."

I couldn't reply. There was nothing that I could have said. Any excuse that came to my lips would have sounded lame as hell. I turned from her, climbed the stairs and packed a bag. I threw my toiletries in a shaving kit and walked downstairs. Casey will still sitting there, stiffly, in her chair, still staring. I entered the den, scooped up my laptop and returned to the living room. I hesitated...looked at her for a moment, then turned again and left my house. I remember wondering if I would ever be able to return.

********************

I sat comfortably in an old rattan chair, admiring Reggie's bungalow. While I had been there before, I still marveled how an old codger like Reg had the talent to fix the place up so nicely. It was small, only 2 small bedrooms, 1 and a half bathrooms. What I enjoyed was the spacious back, screened in patio, and what was even nicer was the fact that it was on the water. Nothing to break the view of the gentle surf breaking on the white sand beach. The place may have been small, but let's not kid ourselves - anything on the water must have cost a fortune.

"Let's go, Alex. Dinner is ready. Let's...how do you Yanks say it? Let's put the feedbag on?" he chuckled.

Dinner was truly delicious. Damn, the man could cook also. We had poached yellowtail snapper, new potatoes and green beans. Everything cooked to perfection. I tore into the food and thoroughly enjoyed the meal.

"Guess what, Alex. Knowing your poor taste in spirits, I managed to get a bottle of your precious Laphroaig. I'll join you with some true spirits," and he picked up a bottle of his Maker's Mark.

I was astonished. You have no idea what a bottle of that scotch cost. I immediately offered to pay Reg for it, but he waved me off. He took my by the arm and steered me back onto the back porch. "Let's just settle ourselves, laddie. It's a beautiful evening, let's enjoy it."

I smiled a bit to myself. I'm not dense, I knew Reg was trying to make me comfortable. He seemed to have some kind of strange interest in what had happened to me and I wondered why. Did he have some ulterior motive? Nah, not Reggie's style. I guess I would find the why of it sooner or later. Until then, I would enjoy his hospitality.

"Alex, you mentioned children. They must be grown by now; how are they? Do you keep in touch with them?"

I was still for a few moments. I was really conflicted about my kids. I had tried to shield them the fallout, from the shit spinning off the fan. I'm sure though that some of what happened got back to them, yet they never mentioned it to me. All they were concerned about was my well being. God, I love them. They are now the only things that mean anything to me.

"Kids are doing well, Reg. They're both in college now and doing fine. I'm proud of them. We speak on the phone at least once a week."

"That's good, Alex. That's good news, I'm glad to hear that." He smiled a bit sadly. "Margaret and I never had children. That was the one sadness in her life." He sighed and shook his head. "But we managed, laddie. We managed."

We both sat for a bit, sipping our drinks, looking out over the water. It was quite dark now and comfortably silent, the only sound was the surf breaking over the shoreline.

"Laddie, why don't you go on with your story. Tell me what happened after your wife discovered you...ah, flagrante delicto shall we say."

I let out a short, bitter laugh. "You British...always so delicate. You mean after she discovered me screwing Terry." I shrugged and gave him a condensed version of the scene at the house ending with me leaving for a hotel room.

"But you were both able eventually to put that behind you, correct?" he remarked. "I know it must have been dreadful for both of you, but it did eventually work out?"

I sat for a moment, thinking back, remembering. "Reg, for the first six weeks or so she wouldn't speak to me. I would call and she wouldn't answer the phone. She had changed the locks. I would come by and when I approached the house, she would open the door and allow my children to come out and visit with me, but she wouldn't let me enter the house. The kids would cry and try to pull me inside, but she was adamant. She just didn't want to see me or speak with me. I was sure that I was going to be served with divorce papers any day. Then one day she called me - I almost dropped the phone. She called me, but her voice was icy.

'Alex, we have to talk. Do not interrupt me. Against my better judgement, I want you to come by this evening, after the children are asleep. We will sit and we will talk. Actually, to be more accurate, I will talk and you will listen. I will propose a scenario and you will either accept or reject it. That's up to you. I will expect you at 10 p.m.' The line then went dead. She was finished speaking."

I gave Reggie a condensed version of our little talk and then begged off. I was tired, not physically, but again I felt drained, emotionally exhausted. I thanked him for the dinner and the company and slowly strolled home, enjoying the softness of the evening. As I walked, the scene at my house that night came vividly to mind. Not a condensed version, but chapter and verse. That conversation was the beginning of the rest of my life. A life that had been filled with love and laughter was now going to be a lot different.

********************

Casey opened the door and motioned me in. There was no smile of welcome or greeting. She motioned me to a chair and sat opposite me.

"I want you to just listen. Do not speak, you'll have that opportunity when I'm finished. Just nod if you understand." She waited, I nodded.

"I've come to the conclusion that it would be better for the children if you moved back into the house. The children need their father and I will grant that you have been a good father. But, please understand that our relationship, yours and mine, will be quite different that what it used to be. I will not share my bed with you. You will sleep in the fourth bedroom. All of your things will be in that bedroom. You will continue to support this family as you have been, but you are here as the children's father, not as my husband. Do you understand what I am saying? Do you accept these terms?"

I just sat there and stared at her. I tamped down my anger and resentment, I thought that I didn't have the right to be angry for I was the one who had precipitated all of this. I was looking down at my hands and then I raised my eyes and looked at Casey. I didn't see a warm, caring wife. I saw a stranger. "Do you hate me that much?" I asked. "Is your anger so great that you can't find forgiveness? Do you really think that the kids won't notice how we react to each other? Is this going to be a facade of a marriage?"

"Those are my terms," she said flatly. "Take it or leave it. If you refuse, I will begin divorce proceedings immediately. Just tell me yes or no."

I knew when I was licked, I had no illusions about what awaited me. I would be a stranger in a strange land with a wife who could barely tolerate me. What kind of life would that be? But I felt that I had no choice, I wanted to be with my kids. I didn't want them to grow up without me. I told her yes.

"You may move back in tomorrow. The bed is already made up and everything of yours that is still here is in that room. I'm sure that the closet there will accommodate all of your things." She stood and then hesitated. "During meals, we will act natural and be pleasant, but directing our comments to the children. Please do not try to engage me in conversation. I will not return a comment or answer anything you may direct to me. Please remember that."

With that she strode to the front door and opened it. "I will give you a key to the house tomorrow." I left and she closed the door behind me. That was the first day of my new life.

********************

It was a miserable existence. Oh, not so terrible outwardly, our friends knew that we had separated for awhile, although they never really knew the reason for it, but they were pleased that we had "reconciled." We even started to attend the monthly parties again and everyone was tickled pink to see us. They kept clapping me on the back, bubbling over with enthusiasm. Of course we never again went to the Bower's. Sure, everyone noticed that, but no one ever said anything.

To the outside world everything about our family was fine, normal, nothing terribly unusual. I, of course, knew better. The first few months were more than painful. I slept in the guest room and used the hall bathroom. I was told in no uncertain terms that I was never, under any circumstances, to enter Casey's bedroom or bath. I did as she demanded.

I lived by her rules. I lived... no, not lived, I existed in that manner for months. We both tried to keep everything as "normal" as possible for the "sake of the children." They were young enough at that time not to realize that things were far from normal - in fact things were decidedly abnormal. Casey refused to acknowledge my very existence. The rules that she had imposed, and to which I had agreed, seemed iron clad. She let me know, time after time, that this was the way things were and were going to be.

I did not argue with her. I followed her rules. I lived with massive guilt for I knew that I had destroyed the very things that had been so dear to me. Did I have any right to complain, to become belligerent, to whine at how unfair she was? No, I knew that I was the cause of the destruction of my marriage and I would bear that onus, that responsibility, that burden.

Was I being a wuss? Had I turned into a pussy? Perhaps...perhaps that may seem the case in the eyes of some, that I had indeed become emasculated. But I had made the choice. I could have said no to Casey when she gave me her ultimatum. I could have chosen divorce and estrangement from my children. Let's not kid ourselves, a mother can easily arrange events so that a father has little contact with his children. Visitations cancelled because of illness, because of unexpected trips, because of any number of reasons. As angry as Casey was at the time, I just didn't want to take any chances. I didn't want to lose my kids. I just didn't want to lose my kids.

Somewhat of a breakthrough came a few months after I had moved back into the house. It was a Saturday and we were eating breakfast. Casey was serving Emily some scrambled eggs. She turned to me and, looking somewhere over my head, said, "Alex, are you going to be playing golf today?"

I sat there for a moment, dumbfounded. I wasn't sure if my imagination was playing tricks on me. "Alex?", she repeated and this time she looked directly at me.

"Uhh, I...I guess...I mean I can...it's not really important. I can...," I stuttered.

"That's okay, Alex. I just wanted to know so that I can take the kids over to my sister's for a visit. She and Ted haven't seen them in awhile and I thought that we could spend a couple of hours there. It's only a 50 minute drive."

I truly didn't know what to say. Was she hinting that she wanted me to accompany her, or was she just making sure that I was going to be out of the way so that she could visit her sister? Shit, I didn't know what to do, so I played dumb. I wanted our conversation to continue.

"Uh, that would be nice. I...I could go with you...that is if you wanted. I mean the golf thing is not important, I can cancel. They could play without me. I mean...I really wouldn't mind missing..."

Casey interrupted me. "No, no, I don't want you to cancel. I just wanted you to know where we will be if we haven't returned. Sunny is dying to see the children."

Sonia, known as Sunny,, was a couple of years older than Casey and was married to a decent enough guy. Ted was an airline pilot and was, unfortunately, away quite a bit of the time. Sunny had accepted these absences and had devoted herself to her job as a social worker, and to volunteering at the local hospice. She couldn't have children. There was a medical reason for that, but we, or at least I, never learned exactly the why of it. Consequently, our kids became hers. She lavished a lot of love and attention on them. I was fearful at first about them getting spoiled, but they're good as well as sensible kids. I think that they just sensed that this was a need in Sunny and they reciprocated.

"Okay...uh, Casey." I almost cringed. This was the first time I had uttered her name since I had been allowed to return home. I waited for a couple of seconds for an icy reply or stare, but...nothing. She continued fussing over Emily.

I pushed my luck. "Please send my love to Sunny and tell Ted hello. Perhaps you can invite them for a cook-out or something one weekend."

I quickly looked down at my plate. I didn't want to meet her eyes. I don't know if I had pushed too far. I just sat and continued to eat, but I could feel the tension. Or perhaps the tension was just in me.

"Perhaps," she said. "Perhaps."

I gave an inward sigh of relief and quickly finished my meal. As I arose, I went to the kids and gave them a quick kiss, telling them to behave for Aunt Sunny and Uncle Ted and to have a good time. I hesitated for just a moment, then I laughed to myself. Oh, no. I'm not that stupid. I just kept the smile on my face and entered the den, got my clubs from the closet, and left to play golf.

********************

And so went the next months and years. Casey and I were pleasant to each other. We had developed a very workable yet formal relationship. We entered into casual conversation, sometimes even when we were alone - until there was a setback.

I made an attempt to have a conversation with Casey about the elephant in the room. I wanted to open my heart and pour out my regret and sorrow at my...ah, indiscretion. I had spent days rehearsing what I wanted to say. I had written a mental script, changed words and phrases countless times until I had it just the way I wanted. I had the words and I memorized them. I wanted to apologize and tell her how much I loved her and of the sorrow and regret I felt.

One evening, after dinner after the kids were asleep, I sat down in the living room, across from my wife. "Casey, I need to say something. I want to tell you how sor..." I didn't even get a chance to finish the word. I saw the ice form in her eyes. She arose quickly and almost ran up the stairs to her room. I heard the lock click. That's something she hadn't done in quite awhile.

Things almost reverted to the way it had been in the weeks after I first moved back in. The atmosphere was frosty to say the least, but finally, after more weeks in the doghouse, things eased and we became more comfortable around each other. So things went. Our relationship improved, we were civil and pleasant and I never, ever attempted to bring that "incident" up again.

********************

You know, I can think of it objectively now, of course that was next to impossible at the time. I was too close, too involved in that excuse of a marriage. Now, thinking about it from quite a distance in time and space, I can understand why things worked out as they did.

A relationship between a man and a woman within a marriage is truly a fragile thing. Perhaps you can liken it to a seedling... yes, something young and vulnerable. In order for a seedling to flourish and grow it requires certain necessities, things such as water, warmth, sunlight and food. A marriage also requires sustenance. Marriages can grow and deepen and become even more meaningful as the years go by. That's why it's so damn important that the partners in a marriage make every effort to work at the relationship. The sudden kiss or caress, the glance and smile, a tender touch; these are the little, almost insignificant gestures that when added all up become very significant. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that if both partners make the attempt to nourish, protect and cherish each other, a marriage can be the most beautiful thing in the world for the partners.

But when you have a relationship without warmth, without affection, without caring...well, that marriage is in deep doo-doo. Perhaps that's why so many marriages fail, not through some sort of volcanic eruption, but just through lack of attention, lack of empathy. Most marriages die not with a bang, but with a whimper, withering and dying through sheer inertia.

After a few years of living in such a marriage I found that I had changed. Oh, the changes were so gradual, so unnoticed, so insidious. I found that I was spending more time at work than necessary. I was using any excuse to avoid staying at home. The only things that pulled me there were my kids. I tried to spend as much time as possible with them. I was there for dinner with the family every night I was in town. We all did things together over the weekend. Yes, even my wife participated, but with the clear understanding that her presence was for the children, period.

And I was traveling more. I had been given a larger territory and there were days during the week when I had to be away from home. I liked that. I was making even more money now. I missed the kids, but that's all I missed. I soon discovered that not only did I not miss Casey, but was actually relieved that I didn't have to see her or come into contact with her. I also found that I was no longer wracked with guilt. I had come to terms with that "incident "in my life. I finally recognized that that event was totally unplanned, unanticipated and unwanted. I did not commit adultery maliciously or with intent to hurt or deceive. I screwed up because of a horny female, a hard- on, too much booze and temporary, phallic insanity.

I also came to the conclusion that I had paid too high a price for that "incident." Casey should not have kept my feet to the flame for that long or to that degree. It appeared to me that she wanted more than a pound of my flesh. She had gone too far and I had suffered too much. Fuck it and fuck her. I just didn't care any longer. The love that I had in my heart for this woman had withered, had died, or if not dead, was certainly buried deeply, so deeply that I no longer felt anything for her. This epiphany broke upon me like a deluge, it was as if a huge spotlight had gone off in my brain and this is the event that caused it.