The Liberation of Kate Shaw Ch. 06

As I drove home, I looked at the clock on my dashboard and was shocked to see it was nearly two o’clock in the morning. I felt drained and emotionally exhausted, and I was not sure how I would manage to get through my performance later in the evening. I dreaded having to face Paul and tell him the truth about my feelings, and I dreaded the possibility that I might never hear from Jordan again. I couldn’t believe how my life had become such a mess in such a short period of time.

It began to rain as I parked in the street next to my building, and my heart sank when I saw Paul’s car still there. A craven, cowardly part of me had been hoping he might have left, allowing me to put off this confrontation for a while. I sat in my car, listening to the rain as I tried to grip my courage in both hands and go inside to deal with Paul. Finally, I could put it off no longer, and I went inside.

The apartment was dark when I walked in quietly, and I gently put my keys down on the table by the door. I shivered as the cold air hit my damp clothes and hair. I stood there indecisively, not sure whether I should go and wake Paul up, then a lamp in the living room snapped on suddenly and I started in surprise.

“Jesus, Paul, you scared me to death!” I exclaimed, my heart thudding against my chest.

He sat there looking at me, his eyes bleak and hollow. I could feel my heart begin to crack as I saw the misery etched on his face, and knew there was nothing I could do but put an end to this as quickly as possible.

“I owe you an explanation,” I said, walking toward him and sitting in the chair across from the couch.

The muscles in his jaw moved, but he said nothing. His hands were clenched in his lap so tightly that the knuckles where white. I knelt on the floor in front of him and placed my hands over his, looking up into his eyes. He sat there, rigid, and stared at me.

“Paul,” I began, “I want to apologize for running out of here the way I did. I know you can’t possibly understand what happened, and I am so sorry I hurt you.”

He made a small sound in his throat, and I could see him swallowing hard. Tears brightened his eyes, and I felt my own well up as I began to tell him about my feelings for Jordan. I couldn’t look at him as I spoke, and by the time I finished we were both trembling. My hands had grown ice cold as I held his tightly, and when I finally looked up at him, he had tears running down his face. A sob broke through his teeth, and he jerked his head away from me when I reached up to touch his cheek. I dropped my hand back down and looked at him miserably, hurt by his reaction but unable to fault him for it.

“Why…” he began, his voice cracking, “didn’t you tell me about Jordan before now?”

“Because I wanted to forget about her,” I said, standing up and going back to sit in the chair across from him. “I tried to block her out of my feelings and my life, Paul. I tried to love you and let you love me, but I can’t deny my feelings for her any longer. God, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

He laughed sharply. “Well, it seems you didn’t succeed at either thing, did you?”

I winced at his angry tone, but sat silently and didn’t respond. I knew there was nothing to be said.

He looked at me for a long moment, then stood up abruptly and began to walk back and forth, running his fingers through his hair. I watched his long legs as he strode around, trying to make sense of everything. I wanted so badly to go to him, put my arms around him, and tell him it would all be okay, but I knew that would not help matters.

“Kate,” he said, stopping in front of me, “this is so wrong. You’ve been so happy with me, living here together! We’ve made love together so many times! How can you possibly tell me you’re in love with a woman? You said yourself you don’t really know her that well! How am I supposed to take you seriously?”

“Paul, I can’t explain this any better. I wish I could!” I stood up so we were facing each other. “Don’t you know how much I wish this had never happened? Don’t you think I want more than anything to be able to make you happy? I wish I could be with you, Paul, but I can’t. Jordan is in my heart – she’s part of my soul. I can’t just turn my back on that!”

“You CAN!” he said, grabbing me and pulling me close. His powerful arms hugged me to his body, my arms pinned against his chest. He kissed me roughly as I struggled, but his desperate strength was too much for me. My body began to respond as he forced his tongue into my mouth, but I pushed against him until he finally let me go and I was able to break away.

Panting, I stepped back and slapped him as hard as I could. He stared at me, mouth open, as an angry red mark stood out on his cheek.

“God damn you, Paul!” I sobbed, covering my face.

“Katie! Oh, shit, Katie….oh my god, I’m so sorry,” he gasped in horror. “Please forgive me, Katie…god….I….I didn’t mean to do that!” He sat back down, slumped over, as if all the life had run out of him. He put his face in his hands and sat there for a while, and when he looked up at me, his face was calm and wiped clean of any expression.

“Kate, I don’t understand any of this. I’m in love with you, and I think that scares you to death. Maybe if I just give you time to get used to the idea….” He stopped when he saw me shaking my head, then sighed, stood up, and walked toward the bedroom.

“I’m going to take some of my things and stay at my place for a while, Kate. Maybe when you’ve had a chance to really sit and think about things, it will be clearer to you. I know you’ve got a concert tonight, so I’ll go now and leave you in peace for a while. But Kate, will you please do something for me?”

I nodded my head, helpless to speak.

“Please think carefully about this. I know you love me, and that all these months together weren’t a lie. Please, take the time to really think, okay? I’ll wait,” he said, then disappeared into the bedroom before I could respond. I sat in my chair, listening as he opened and closed drawers, packing his clothes and shaving kit. Eventually, he walked out and came over to me, and I began to cry when he leaned down and took me gently in his arms.

“Please forgive me for being so rough with you,” he whispered into my hair. “I would never do anything to hurt you, Kate. The thought of losing you…” he stopped, his voice breaking. I hugged him tightly, breathing his familiar scent deeply, then let him go and sat back. He looked down at me sadly for a long moment, then turned and walked down the hall and out the door.

I tried to sleep after he left, but I could not bear to be in the bed we had shared so recently. I took a comforter from the closet and went to lie down on the couch, my body aching for sleep but my mind racing. I could not recall ever having felt so emotionally unprepared for a concert before, and I tried hard to relax so I could rest. Finally, just as I thought I would be up all night, my eyes closed and I drifted off.

When I woke up a few hours earlier, I was confused to find myself lying on the couch. I sat up and yawned deeply, then my heart sank as I remembered everything that had happened. I went into the music room and sat at the piano, trying to push everything out of my mind except the music I was supposed to breathe life into. My training finally took over as I played through the entire evening’s program, and I was able to lose myself in the wonderful music as I always did.

I took a long, hot shower after practicing, and spent a long time getting dressed. I decided to wear my favorite concert outfit, a black dress that was simple yet elegant. The neckline scooped just enough into a V both in the front and in the back, and the skirt was loose and fell softly around mid-calf. I wore, as always, the silver and gold cross necklace my grandmother had given me, and my earrings were simple silver hoops. I never wore rings, bracelets, or a watch while I played, feeling that my hands had more dexterity without them. After a last look in the mirror to make sure I didn’t look like I’d been crying all night, I left for the recital hall.

When I arrived, the stage manager met me backstage and led me over to the piano. He handed me a bottle of water, then left me alone. I typically arrived at a concert venue about two hours before the performance to warm up, and this particular stage manager was an old friend. He knew I liked to be alone to concentrate, so he didn’t hover over me like some of the managers of other concert halls.

After I finished warming up and felt suitably flexible and relaxed, I went to the green room and sat down with my water, mentally reviewing all of the music in my head. Thoughts of Paul and Jordan kept trying to crowd their way in, but I forced myself to focus on the task at hand. Soon, I was standing in the wings and could hear the familiar murmur of the audience as they took their seats and mingled with each other. The lights flickered twice, signaling that the concert was about to begin. As they finally dimmed and left the recital hall in darkness, I walked out onto the stage and stood at the piano to acknowledge the applause, then sat at the bench and began to play.

Usually during a performance, the audience disappeared for me within the first few minutes of my playing. There had been times in the past when I’d been almost startled at the applause following the end of a piece. It always seemed surreal to me that an entire hall full of people was sitting silently and listening while I did what I loved best, and I was always grateful for their enthusiastic response afterwards. Tonight, however, something was different. Although I loved the music I was playing, I found myself feeling unsettled, and literally counting time until the end of the program. I felt restless suddenly, wanting to be done with the concert so I could go home and try to think through everything that had happened. When the last piece was played and the curtain closed, I hurried to the lobby where a reception was being held. Several people came to hug me or shake my hand to congratulate me, and I extricated myself as soon as was polite and was headed home by about ten o’clock.

When I got home, the emptiness of my apartment was almost more than I could stand. I could still smell Paul’s cologne in the bathroom, and I hated the sight of the empty, open drawers he’d left in his haste to go. I closed them, then went to sit on the couch. The apartment was dark and silent, and I don’t think I’d ever felt so miserable and alone in my life.

After a nearly sleepless night, I stepped groggily into the shower in the morning and tried to let the water blast me into consciousness. I foolishly brought my cordless phone into the bathroom, hoping it would ring and I’d find Jordan on the line. As I stood letting streams of hot water beat on me, I kept imagining I heard ringing and would shut the water off, listening breathlessly to nothing but dripping water and silence.

I got dressed, passing up breakfast because the mere thought of eating made my stomach clench, and headed for my music store. My cell phone was fully charged and within easy reach, but it remained stubbornly silent.

Walking into the store, I groaned when I saw Beth was working behind the counter. She was a talented musician, but could never seem to reconcile her awkward personality with the magic of her flute playing. She looked up, frowning, as I walked in through the door and made our little bell ring.

“Hey, Beth,” I said as she returned her gaze to the magazine she was reading.

“Hi,” she replied, not bothering to look up again as I walked past.

I shook my head and walked back to where my office was, then walked to the office across the hall. Robert, my business partner and co-owner of the store, sat at his cluttered desk and was scowling at the computer. I plopped into one of his comfortable chairs and sighed heavily.

“Hey there,” he said, taking off his glasses and looking at me. “Wow. What happened to you?”

I tucked my legs up underneath me. “Rob, Beth has GOT to go,” I said.

“Kate, you always say that,” he said, laughing.

“Come on, Rob! She’s got the personality of a dung beetle, and she scares half our customers away! There are actually people who won’t come into the store if they see she’s working.”

He laughed again. “Now you’re making things up, Kate. She’s not THAT bad. Just because she lacks that certain…”

“Certain what?” I interrupted. “She frowns at people when they walk in, and barely speaks when they ask questions. Is this really who we want working for us?” I sat back and slapped my hands down on my legs, frustrated.

Robert looked at me seriously for a moment, then got up and came over to sit next to me.

“Okay, what’s going on?” he asked, taking my hand. “I’ve not seen you so agitated before. What is it?”

I sat there and looked at his strong hands holding mine, wanting to spill everything yet terrified of his reaction. I hesitated, and when I looked up and saw the concern in his eyes, it happened. I lost it and began to cry.

“Whoa now!” he exclaimed, putting his arms around me and rocking me back and forth. “Katie, what on earth is wrong?”

I couldn’t answer, just shook my head and grabbed his shirt in one hand as I sobbed. Robert sat holding me until I was calm, then silently handed me a box of tissue from his desk. I sat back, wiping my eyes and taking deep breaths.

“I’m so sorry, Rob,” I said, hiccupping slightly. “I didn’t mean to flip out on you.”

He squeezed my hand. “It’s okay. What else are friends for, if not a good shirt-soaking?”

We both laughed, and I began to feel a little better.

“So,” Robert asked after I had calmed down a bit, “do I get to know the cause of this little outburst?”

I sat silently, then took a deep breath and began telling him everything, leaving out nothing except the intimate details. He looked at me gravely as I talked, not interrupting me as my story unfolded. When I finished, he sat quietly and thoughtfully for a long time, so long that it started to make me nervous.

“What?” I finally asked, unable to take the silence any longer.

Robert looked at me, and I was relieved to see the same friendship and concern for me on his face that I’d always seen.

“Ok, first things first – why did you wait so long to tell me all of this?” he asked, leaning back and folding his arms over his chest.

I stood up and began to pace. “Robert, I was so afraid…I had no idea how you or anyone else would react. This has all been so damn confusing for me that half the time, I don’t know which way is up. The whole thing with Paul was such a huge mistake, but everyone thought we were the perfect couple so it just seemed easiest to go along.” My voice became ragged as I spoke faster and faster, the words tumbling out of me as if released from a dam. “I thought I’d managed to forget Jordan, but Robert, I didn’t! No matter how much I tried to, I could not get her out of my head.”

“Whoa honey, okay, come here,” Robert said, pulling me back down on the couch. He put his arms around me and held me close, stroking my hair and murmuring words to calm me down. I could feel my breathing slow down and my body relax as his nonsense words begin to reach me.

“Kate,” he murmured into my hair, “it’s okay. You’ve managed to let your fears get in the way of what seems to be something really special to you. You should know by now that those of us who love you don’t care who you love. We just want you to be happy.”

I pulled back and wiped my eyes, laughing through my tears as Robert handed me a tissue while brushing at the tearstains on his shirt.

“So now what am I supposed to do?” I asked, finally able to breathe without hiccups. “I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to face Jordan again after the other night.”

Robert gave me a measured look, then got up and walked back over to sit at his desk.

“Well, as I see it, you have some choices here. You can try to talk to Jordan and see where she stands, and tell her how you feel, you can forget about her and always wonder what would have happened if you HAD decided to talk to her, or, you can spend the rest of your life cruising the bars trying to find someone who makes you feel the way Jordan does. What do you think?”

I looked at him silently, then laughed as he cracked a smile.

“Okay, you’ve made your point,” I said. “I guess I have some talking to do, don’t I?”

Robert smiled and leaned back in his chair. “That’s what I THOUGHT you said,” he said smugly. “Now, get out of here and let me work. I’ve got a business to run.”

I kissed Robert on the top of his head as I left, then stopped by my office to check my schedule for the day. It was a fairly light day, something I habitually did after a performance. It only took me a few minutes on the phone to reschedule the few lessons I had, then I said goodbye to Robert and headed for my apartment. I wanted the chance to sit and think so I could decide what I wanted to do. I knew there was no way I could confront Jordan unless I had things thought out.

Once home, I put on some soft music and sat at my desk, trying to write my feelings down and get myself organized. After about an hour of fruitless writing and wadding up paper, I decided to go to Peter and Jeffrey’s shop and see if they’d seen or heard from Jordan. It had been a long time since I’d seen them, and I realized how much of my former life I’d let go since I started seeing Paul.

When I walked into the shop, Jeffrey looked up at me and smiled his gorgeous smile, walking to me with his arms outstretched to embrace me. The feel of his soft denim shirt against my cheek and his strong hands on my back made me feel so incredibly safe and loved that I kicked myself for going so long without seeing either of them.

“Kate! Darling! Where on earth have you been?” Peter exclaimed, walking toward us from the workroom in back. He grabbed both Jeffrey and me in his embrace and kissed my cheek, then they both pulled back and really looked at me.

“Oh my god, what has happened to you? You’re so thin!” Peter said, his hands on my shoulders.

“Katie, really, you need to take better care of yourself,” Jeffrey said, putting his arm around me and leading me to the back room. “You’re going to waste away to nothing!”

I laughed. “Fat chance of that,” I said, sitting down on a stool near Peter’s workbench. Both men pulled up stools of their own and sat near me, looking at me with kind and loving eyes.

“So!” Jeffrey said, picking up a smooth piece of wood and beginning to carve into it. It was one of his most endearing traits; his hands were never still, and I used to love watching as he’d take a block of wood and turn it into a minor work of art. “What’s been happening in the life of our favorite concert artist?”

I rolled my eyes. “Oh, god, guys. I’ve got myself into a real mess this time,” I said. “I know Jordan came to talk to you about me a while back.”

Peter became still, and even Jeffrey’s hands froze for an instant before going on with the carving. Neither of them spoke, and for some reason, I thought they seemed a little sheepish.

“Yes, she did,” Peter said, looking at me. He didn’t volunteer any more information than that.

“Peter, I need to know what you talked about. You know I wouldn’t normally ask you to tell me something like that, but this is very important. Will you tell me?”

Peter and Jeffrey exchanged a glance, and I felt relief when Jeffrey put his carving down and leaned forward to talk to me.

“Kate, Jordan came by to see us because she was afraid she was pushing you too hard. She knew she loved you, and felt certain that you loved her as well, but she didn’t want to push you into something you weren’t ready for.”

I looked away, biting my lip as tears came to my eyes. Peter and Jeffrey sat silently, waiting for me to get hold of myself.