The Nun

I tried to move on, but couldn't. Instead of feeling anger toward him, I found myself creating opportunities to be around him. I found myself longing for the touch of another human being. I wanted the innocent intimacy we had once shared, but I also could not deny my sexual urges.

One day, he came in for counseling. I almost sent him away, but knew we had to talk about certain things, and thought perhaps I could bring the topic around to a discussion of what had happened. We did discuss it, but the conversation didn't go the way I had expected.

"Have you asked God for forgiveness?" I asked him. I didn't have to say for what. He knew.

"Nope. Don't think its any of God's business. What happins 'tween you and me is 'tween you and me, no one else. Not even God."

"You don't feel any remorse?"

"No, not really. The only thing ah feel bad about is you don't ... that you don't share ma feelins"

"What feelings? Sexual feelings?"

"Yeah, that too."

"What are you saying, Jeb?"

"I'z sain' I love ya, that's what I'm sayin' But you don't love me. You love God and I can't compete wiff dat."

I was shocked and didn't know what to say.

"It's not that I don't feel any love for you Jeb, I do.... But ... I don't know. I don't know what to say."

He got up and stormed out. "I knew you dint love me."

I thought and prayed about it for days. Then, I made the phone call to set up the meeting that ended my life as a nun. I didn't know what I felt for Jeb. But whatever I felt, I didn't feel I should be a nun anymore. I ended it, even after Father Murphy and several others tried to convince me not to.

I didn't tell them Jeb had raped me or that I had had sex with Jeb (whichever was closer to the truth). I told them I wanted to live a normal life -- to get married and have children. That part was true. I did. I told the truth, just not the whole truth. Once they accepted my decision, they asked me what I would do, and I had no idea. I hadn't thought that far ahead.

To my surprise, Father Murphy asked me if I would stay on at St. Andrews as a laic minister. They had no one to run things at the church, and would pay me a small salary -- just $20,000 a year, which given the long hours I'd have to put in meant I'd be earning about minimum wage. But at least I'd have a place to live for awhile. I worried about continuing as Jeb's boss, but eventually I let them talk me into taking it for at least a temporary basis.

I returned to the Church and Father Murphy announced the change in status during Mass. The old folks seemed glad to have me still around, and after a few days, it felt like nothing much had changed. I wasn't wearing my large gold cross around my neck -- just a small silver one like most other parishioners wore. No matter how many times I corrected them, the parishioners still called me "Sister." I finally gave up and let them call me whatever they wanted.

Jeb heard about it somewhere and came to see me. He asked if I was still a nun and I told him no. He looked at me funny, waiting expectantly for me to say something, and then left.

I thought about Jeb all day. I was a free woman now. I could do whatever I wanted. And all I could think about was my African-American janitor. I didn't know how to tell him I was open to a relationship with him. Even a sexual one.

I decided I had to tell him how I felt about him, but couldn't quite find the right time or words to start the conversation I desperately wanted to have.

Then a few nights later, after locking up the building following the Council meeting, I waited until Jeb had finished mopping the floors and cleaning the bathrooms. It was 9 pm - his usual quitting time and there was light from under the maintenance room door. The vision of him stroking his erection flashed in my head and I wondered if I might find him masturbating again.

I gave a quick knock and walked in. He turned and looked surprised.

"You need me to do somethin'?" he asked.

I said nothing, but closed the door behind me and leaned back against it. We stared at each other silently for several long moments.

Then, slowly, I reached a hand up to my neckline and unbuttoned the top button of my blouse. I saw him flinch slightly in surprise. He gawked in shock and silence as I unbuttoned another one, then another.

I stood there slowly and silently stripping off my clothes. He stood with arms folded across his chest, watching in surprise and delight.

I peeled the halves of my blouse apart, pulled it off each arm and laid it over the back of a wooden chair. I undid the belt and button that held up my skirt, and let it drop to my ankles. I kicked off my loafers and stood there in nothing but bra and panties. Jeb approached closer and stood a few feet in front of me.

"Don' stop now, sista" he said softly.

"You don't have to call me sister. I'm not a nun anymore."

I reached around and unhooked my bra and laid it gently over the back of the chair, then stood back against the door and let Jeb feast his eyes on me. He approached me and took both of my orbs into his hands. He groped and kissed me for several minutes. Then he reached down and slid a hand inside my panties and rubbed the place that made my body shake and shudder. I was nervous being there with him in total nakedness and feeling his hands roaming all over me. My heart was pounding and my chest was heaving.

Jeb stepped back and stripped off his own clothes. But Jeb moved much faster than I had. He was nude in less than 30 seconds. There was no good place for us to make love horizontally in his maintenance room, so Jeb pressed me up against the door. He lowered his body until his penis could slide into me. He impaled me and we made love standing up against the door. It took only a few minutes because we were both excited.

Neither of us wanted to end the night there. We picked up our clothes and hastened through the darkened halls to the parish residence and my small bedroom. We fell onto my narrow single-width bed. That time we made love slowly and lovingly, with far less urgency, but with more passion and tenderness.

We fell asleep in one another's arms and slept until the light of dawn broke past my window shade.

I got up to use the bathroom and wash up. I came out in my bathrobe and found Jeb standing stark naked next to the bed. He was masturbating himself and had a very large erection.

He crooked a finger at me and I immediately walked over to him and kissed him on the lips. I felt his hardness against my belly between the opening in my bathrobe. I reached down and touched it, and stroked it lovingly.

"You should go. It's almost 6 am and I don't want anyone seeing you leaving here. I'm not a nun anymore but I'm not sure the parish is ready for this."

"Ok, I be leavin', but there's one mo' thing I want from you. One mo' thing you aint done fo' me yet."

"What?" I asked naively.

He pushed me to my knees. I knelt in front of him and looked up at his face. "You want to pray?" I asked him.

He shook his head no, and took his manhood in his hand and swiped it across my lips.

"You ever heard of a blowjob?" he asked me.

I looked at it, stunned. Sure I'd heard of it. I knew what it was. In principle, anyway. I opened my mouth and Jeb leaned forward. I think you can imagine the rest.

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She is married now and has three children. She no longer works for the Church, but loves her job as a social worker in a nursing home.