tagHumor & SatireThe Portal to the Vixen Planet

The Portal to the Vixen Planet

byMy Erotic Tale©

I don't recall exactly who had seen it first but the Portal to the Vixen Planet climbed to the top of the pine trees, in the back pasture of Jill's dad's ranch, The Lazy Ponderosa.

Crazy Wally ran like a jack rabbit in front of headlights to be the first one there. Being a 'purty smart feller' that he was, he already had a ladder, duct taped and twine tied to the top of the tallest tree. Wally started climbing it faster than a squirrel after a nut.

The rest of us moved a 'tad' faster than a herd of turtles; knowing when we got there we would have to sit back and observe this phenomenon rather than to actually have to climb the tree. I wasn't getting on that ladder until somebody had already paved the way to the sexy Vixens.

Jill's new boy friend was in junior college and was visiting for the Halloween weekend. Well, he told us all about the portal while we had our usual Friday night bonfire. But it was Halloween to boot so, we was having a hallow ho' down bigger than bull balls. We was commencin' to telling scary stories and trying to scare the girls, Jill and her cute sister, Veronica, when the Moon surfaced

Wally was chunkin' tree bark like a wood pecker after a hard on. Or was that hard wood... anyways, he made it to the top of the tree and then climbed up the ladder and we all clapped and cheered. But Wally just couldn't reach the portal.

"A little to the right Wally," Jill yelled out. She was always the vocal one. She had a set of pipes on her that could call a milk cow a mile away. Veronica's pipes were like magnets to the eyes, about like kids and a fluffy puppy.

Well... Wally reached real hard a little to the right just like he was directed and the ladder swayed back and forth 'cuz' that was how Wally was trying to reach the portal. Each sway of the ladder took him that much closer to the opening. We all heard a snap and then came Wally crashing down. Don't get excited, he only fell a little ways and got himself lodged between two tree branches.

Well, Jasper, that's Jill's boyfriend, said, "Call the Fire Department." He obviously is not from around here. The Volunteer Fire Dept. in our area usually arrived a day late and a couple gallons short of water. He whipped out his cell phone, punched in the three numbers and began explaining the situation.

"Is that Crazy Wally in that tree?" the 911 dispatcher asked Jasper.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Tell that boy to get down from there on his own. Our truck's tied up at the moment. They have a pussy tree'd."

Wally shimmied down alright and we explained that Jasper had called the fire department.

"Good thinking, cuz that truck ladder, just might reach the portal!" We all looked up at it. The Portal to the Vixen Planet was climbing higher and higher in the night sky.

"That might of worked 'cept the truck ain't coming." Jill vocalized. We then all collected our ponderings on how we could get up to the portal, to reach the Vixen planet. According to Jasper, it is only available on a Halloween's full moon, so we all knew we had no time to lose.

"The alignment of the universe is like the alignment on your truck. It has to be just right or it won't pass." Jasper enlightened us with his education. Right smart feller, that one.

"What in the hell are we going to do now?" Wally cried. I suppose he was all pondered out by then.

"I know!" Jill said. I always figured her to be a tad brighter than a light bulb and this proved it. Her and Jasper took off in the four wheel drive and come back just moments later pulling a cannon. I almost had my arm around Veronica when they came back but their timin' ruined everything.

They borrowed the cannon from the Civil War Historical Park and I say borrow cuz we was planning to take it back, I swear on my donkey's butt!!!

"We can tie a rope to Jim Bob and shoot him into the portal. Then we can climb up to it with the rope." That Jasper is not only smart, but plumb full of surprises, too.

Well, that was darn pure genius! We aimed the cannon at the moon and when Bud Waswiser chased down ole Jim Bob, we placed him into this firing device. Bud explained his reload gunpowder formula as he laid the wick out of the cannon and then pulled out his lighter.

"Wait!" Bud yelled and we all stopped like a movie that had the pause button pressed. "The portal moved." Those Vixens must be a little shy. He quickly adjusted the cannon's aim. Jim Bob whimpered something from inside that old cannon. When Bud lit the fuse it sounded like a pit of rattlers and the fire was like a ghost playing with a bic lighter.

We saw the smoke bellow out long after we heard the loud boom. When the smoke finally cleared, we looked for Jim bob and found him... nowhere. My eyes were fully clothed and I never saw him come out of that cannon, I kid ya not! He must have gone straight into the Portal to the Vixen Planet, that lucky dog!

We all cheered and yelped till Jasper {being the smart one} held the rope in his hand and asked the brightest question. "Wasn't this supposed to be tied to Jim Bob?"

That sort of killed the moment. There was a lot of dirt kicking and thumb twiddling going on when Veronica pulled on my shirt sleeve. I just knew she was ready for a kiss but when I looked at her she was smiling and pointing out into the back meadow. It was then I knew all was not lost.

There in broad night fall was two portals, one in the small pond and another in the sky. Wally saw what she was pointing at and started running like a thirsty man to an oasis in the desert. The rest of us were like an Oklahoma sooner racing through the fields.

I think we nearly gave Peanut a heart attack. To see a herd of humans, running across his pasture in the dead of night. Curious Peanut, the beer drinking donkey, soon joined the chase as he followed us out to the Portal of the Vixen Planet. More curious rather we had beer than what we were doing.

Wally stopped at the water's edge and yep, bigger than a Halloween pumpkin, the moon sat in the middle of this pond. Wally tossed a rock into the bright reflection and it went straight into the portal. Splashed and caused rings ripplin' in the dead center of this pond!

"Don't do that! You might hit one of those Vixens on the head." Jill spat and that was some right smart thinking.

Well, Wally grew impatient and decided to wade out to the portal. He slowly slipped into the water about as slowly as Veronica slipped her hand into mine. When he got to the center he stood in the moon's lighted reflection, held his nose and dove under the water, right smack into the Portal to the Vixen Planet.

Now, I know that was the moon sitting on top of that water but they dang near had me convinced this portal existed. For a lack of nothin' better to do at this Halloween ho down, we'd at least watch for Wally.

Well actually, Wally never surfaced and Jasper and Jill panicked. I was working on a kiss with Veronica when Jasper slung open his cell phone and dialed 911 twice because it was a double emergency... don't forget about Jim Bob.

When the Sheriffs Dept., Ambulance, Fire Dept. and Wally's Dad showed up before Wally ever come back up from the portal, I knew we were in trouble. 'Ceptin' I didn't even do nothin'. But they didn't see things the same way we did about the borrowed cannon, neither.

We tried to explain that we was trying to get into the Portal to the Vixen Planet. A wormhole left in space from a giant space worm, eating its way to earth from this planet and when they heard school smart Jasper's theory, they laughed so hard it was contagious, even to me.

Well it was getting late and still no Wally. The moon was just resting over the top of the barn, sinking into the night sky. Suddenly, Bud Waswiser yelled, "Look!" Well what were we suppose to do, not look?

There on the barn's leaning tin roof was Wally and he was holding Jim Bob in his arms. The Portal was shining brightly just behind him as if he had just walked out of it.

Well, that was stranger than socks on a chicken but the Sheriff's Dept. claimed that there was an underground drain in the pond and Wally got caught up in the current and sucked out to the river where we must have cannon shot poor Jim Bob and from there they both swam to shore.

Wally doesn't remember much, but he has had a strange smile on his face ever since that night. "Wally has been trying to get back into that portal for what, 30 years now?"

"Yep, thirty years to the date." Veronica said as she rocked in the rocker on the front porch with a bowl of Halloween candy in her lap. Handing out the sweet treats to costumed trick or treaters while we watched it rise in front of our house on another Halloween night, the full moon, the Portal to the Vixen Planet.

(This story was edited by wanton vixxxen and grew into a nine chapter tale so far, thanks Vix. Happy Halloween to all and I hope this tale has been a Halloween treat)

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