The Psychosis of Submission

"You are uncomfortable," Dr. Livingston stated it as a fact. "And clearly not ready for this stage of treatment. You may go back to the couch now. It's no problem."

"Wait..." My voice shook. I hadn't realized her request was part of my treatment. I did want to be ready for the next step. If this was part of it. It made sense to go with it. I was paying $100 an hour.

"Like this?" I asked, as I propped a leg over each of the arm rests. I pressed the front of my skirt down to cover my crotch. It made no sense, but I did it.

"The point is to make you get in touch with your feelings that night. You were seated at the table... in the chair with no protection save a small bra and panties." Dr. Livingston warned. "I want you to get in touch with those feelings by generating a similar feeling of exposure. Now pull you skirt back out of the way.

I fingered the hem of my garment as I looked down. With my legs propped in such a fashion, my pelvis was pushed out and exposed. It would be quite a provocative pose...a pose not suited for proper girls. I raised the hem and made it a point not to look down. My shame was magnified by the fact that she was still perfectly dressed, while I on the other hand was quite exposed.

Vulnerable....

....like that night.

"Perfect," Dr. Livingston said. "Now, do you remember how you described your kiss with Susan? Put yourself there. The table is there in front of you. As are all the participants. Behind them are the onlookers. She's kissing you. Your hands are covering your breasts. What are hers doing? Now, I want you to pretend your hands are Susan's hands. What would they do if that were the case? Tell me what they are doing."

I was transported back to the party. I remembered more details. Susan was wearing a denim skirt. Its button felt cold against the bare skin of my abdomen.

"Her hands...they are rubbing my shoulders...and she...she is kissing me."

"Relax. Now let her hands touch you. Give up control of your hands. They are Susan's hands now" Dr. Livingston said, her nostrils flaring as she watched her patient's hands cease trembling as they began to rub and tease. "Put your legs back Karen."

Even with her eyes closed, poor Karen could only imagine how perverted she looked being posed in such a fashion. She tried her best to maintain what little modesty she had left, but her hands...her hands seemed to have a mind of their own...and they were of the mind to tease her and display her in the most unseemly fashion imaginable.

"Slide forward a bit...wriggle on up there," Dr. Livingston urged. "Good...just a bit more. Perfect. Now, please go on with your story. You were just about to kiss Susan again.

Poor Karen, with her cheeks aflame and her loins burning with fire, legs askew, her hands busy, rubbing, touching, tweaking, once again she relived that dreaded night....

"That night, I had no choice but to kiss Susan again. Otherwise, she would keep my bra and my breasts would be exposed to everyone. And I knew I was small...compared to the other girls. And you know how cruel kids can be.

It was...it was..good motivation.

Even though she was a girl and at that, not someone I even liked. I kissed her as best I could. Kissed her like Jenny had kissed me. I nibbled her lip. Oh God doctor, I still shudder thinking how I must have looked...I -I-even sucked her tongue. All the while I could feel her taking the thin straps of my bra down my arms, removing the cups from my small breasts.

I-I cupped my hands over them to keep them well hidden. And while I was able to keep them hidden from all the eager eyes from the all those people...it left her hands free to do as they would...free to roam over my ass. I was helpless to stop her without exposing my breasts. Her strong hands ...I can feel them even now...squeezing me possessively. And how my heart raced when I felt her fingers take hold of the elastic band and slowly ease it down.

"Please don't," I whispered in her ear, molding my body to hers to keep her from stripping me further. "I'm begging you Susan. Don't do this."

Susan said nothing...just pulled gently at my panties. Moving them just a bit. An inch here and inch there. Exposing my crack and my bottom swell. She didn't strip me naked, but she showed me that she could if she chose to. And I think she liked holding that power over me. Liked how I would have to move my body so close to hers in order to keep from being exposed. Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, I was helpless to protect myself from whatever she wanted to do.

And me? Oh doctor, I was so embarrassed. I wanted to hide. I couldn't believe how she had the audacity to do what she was doing. I mean even though she wasn't the one being exposed, she was the one touching me and doing the exposing. I would never have been able to do what she was doing with a boy - much less

....another girl.

Still I kissed her and let her kiss me as she willed. Her tongue probing my mouth. My lips. Her warm breath filling my lungs. Helpless. Standing there impotently with my hands held firmly over my small buds. My knees growing weak.

"You say your knees grew weak," Dr. Livingston said. "I've kissed quite a number of times and my knees generally don't grow weak. Yet you say yours did. Why do you think that is? Were you enjoying being kissed by her or did you enjoy showing your body off to the others at the party. A bit of exhibitionism can be thrilling to some."

I could feel my cheeks burn. Dr. Livingston was jumping to the wrong conclusions again. "I can't ...I can't remember..." It felt like a lame excuse.

"Look down Karen. Now tell me. Your knees. Are they weak now?"

I looked down at my knees, but my eyes widened in horror when they saw the state I was in. My hands. They had been busy. My nipples were visible, their hard nubs peaking over the top of my white bra. And my panties were bunched up in my slit. The center damp with my moisture. My hands flew down to provide myself with a measure of modesty.

"Not yet Karen," Dr. Livingston warned. "First tell me how you feel. I'm looking at you just like those people at the party were. I can see your breasts. I suppose you still feel inadequate? I can see by your blush that you do. And I can see most of your vagina. I can see that you are turned on. Aroused. How does this make you feel? Like that night? Are your knees weak? Would you like to stand up and give them a try?"

"I .... no..." It wouldn't be necessary. I could tell already. They were weak. Wobbly. What did it mean? "They ... are. ... weak.. oh doctor...I feel very...embarrassed."

"Feels inadequate...and embarrassed. Dr. Livingston said as she wrote in a notebook. "Aroused...weak at the knees."

I didn't say inadequate. Or aroused. I wanted to correct her. My cheeks burned. I did feel that way, but I never said it. And now it was written. In permanent ink. As much as I wished, I couldn't bring myself to correct her. Then looking at her, I realized just how attractive Dr. Livingston was.

"Now let the feeling wash over you," Dr. Livingston said. "You have to get in touch with these feelings in order to understand them. Now keep going with your story. And why are you hiding behind those hands? Who's hand did we agree that they were? Or have you forgotten already?"

"They are...they are...." They are Susan's hands. Think back to that night. Is there music playing? What was it? What are Susan's hands doing now?"

"The music was Wild Thing by Aerosmith. I felt myself transported. Susan's hands began to roam my slim body once again. I felt my cheeks burn. God how I wanted to cover myself. Yet Susan's hands wanted to expose me. To tease me up. Make me squirm in my chair. To humiliate myself in front of Dr. Livingston. But she was a doctor, it should be okay, otherwise she wouldn't have said to do this in the first place.

Still, it made me feel like a pervert.

A sexed up pervert.

I couldn't fool myself anymore. That night my nipples had hardened. My sex had grown tingly. Just like in my therapist's office. And Susan's kisses, I hadn't just tolerated them, I enjoyed them. I had even had fantasies later though I never told anyone...not even my diary.

In my fantasies Susan had taken my panties down too. Had turned me around. Had exhibited me. Had humiliated me. Had rubbed my there in front of everyone. Made me moan. Made my slim hips thrust and pump. Made me ...

... made me cum.

But that wasn't what really happened. Because all that happened, was that just when she took hold of my pink cotton undergarments and pulled them away from my body and then down a few inches, and I was sure - so very sure she would take them down all the way, she stopped, and carefully put them back in place.

Her mouth pulled away from my own.

"That was a pretty good kiss," Susan said, her eyes twinkling mischievously. "But I don't think it was as good as David's." And with that, she tossed my bra to the table. Jesus, I wouldn't even be able to get it without baring myself to the hungry stares looking at me.

"Are you ready to forfeit?" she asked.

I had learned a little something during my time playing the game. If you don't know, ask questions. "What happens if I forfeit?"

"Nothing much," Susan said. "You just wait in a closet until the game is over."

"No, make her wait here," Lisa said.

"She can wait wherever she wants," Susan replied.

"I'll wait in the closet," I said. "But what about my clothes?"

"You get them when the game is over." Susan said. "However, the winner is allowed to keep any one item on the table. It could be yours - it could be someone else's."

"Last time I had to go home without my shoe," Tony laughed.

"At least you got to keep your pants," Gwen said. "I was grounded for 2 years."

"She's kidding," Susan said. "No one has ever went home without their pants....yet."

The yet sounded ominous. However, I didn't want to be there anymore, especially on display as I was. Hungry eyes looking at my body. To spin again, I would have to move my hand. I couldn't do it. Couldn't bear it. Worse, I knew that I was turned on. Wet. It wouldn't be long before I soaked through my thin cotton panties. So I couldn't very well wait at the table either...it was the closet for me, and I was glad of it.

"Okay," I said. I didn't even argue that I had kissed her and by rights the bra was still mine. I knew there would be another turn and who knew what the fickle bottle would do. "I forfeit."

Susan took me away to another room. It was being used as an office. She pointed to a closet. "In you go." she said.

I stepped in. My mind raced. "Wait...what if someone comes in?"

"Don't worry," Susan said. "Only I have the key."

"Okay..." I said quietly as I leaned against the back wall. It would do.

"What are you waiting for?" Susan said. "Take off your panties."

"I can't...." I was horrified at the prospect. I didn't want her to find out...besides.."I didn't lose them during the game..." I said.

"You didn't want her to find what?" Dr. Livingston asked.

I could feel my cheeks grow warm. How was it that she could pick out the very thing I was most ashamed of her to take note of.

"That - that I had grown aroused during the game," I said, squirming in my chair.

"From kissing her you mean? Or being stripped in public?" Dr. Livingston asked.

I didn't know the answer. "I guess, kissing her..." It sounded the least perverted.

"But you aren't kissing her now are you?" Dr. Livingston asked.

"No.." I hated the thought of where this might be going.

"But you are aroused though aren't you. I suppose you took them off," Dr. Livingston said. "I want you to take them off now as well, your bra too. I want you to feel the way you felt that night. At least as close to it as we can get."

I stood up. My fingers touched my panties. Could I do this? Strip myself bare while my doctor sat clothed so professionally? But by then, God, I'd already had my thumbs hooked into the band of my panties. I couldn't very well back out now without losing even more face. Admitting that yes, I still had issues, just like when I was young. To save some degree of modesty, I turned around to disrobe.

"Ah...that's good," Dr. Livingston said. "Just toss them over there out of the way. Now, back in the chair. And where should your knees be? That's right, one over each armrest...I shouldn't have to keep reminding you.

And where did we leave off? Oh yes, I believe you were in the closet with your hands protecting your breasts. Susan had just asked for your panties... go ahead....please continue. "

******************

"Please turn around," I asked Susan. When she did, I quickly shimmied out of my panties. Slid them down my slim hips. Then I realized she was watching. One arm flew over my breasts and the other over my crotch. She quickly snatched them from my grasp.

"Somebody has been having fun," she smirked, rubbing the damp crotch. "Is this due to me ... or your little slut friend?"

"Nothing...it's not like that," I stammered.

Susan smiled knowingly.

I burned with shame. I couldn't explain. Just stood silently as she closed the door of the utility closet and locked it.

Standing there in the dark. My mind was filled with forbidden thoughts. I fantasized about kissing Susan. Having to sneak from the party. Naked. Having to crawl from the house. From bush to bush. Hiding from headlights. From barking dogs. Having to go to a well lit area...the only way blend into the scenery....was to coat my body in mud. Dark mud all over my naked body. Sticking to me. Like my shame.

There in the closet, with my mind taken me to forbidden places...I did something I knew I shouldn't. I couldn't help myself. There in the dark....

......I touched myself.

My breasts at first. Tweaking my small hard pebbles. Squeezing my thighs together. I dare not go further. But I eventually did. But not too far. Just a touch here and there.

But with every touch, it was getting harder and harder to tell fantasy from reality. My legs were hard to keep still. My hands... my hands were determined to roam. Touching me. Discovering the things that were happening to my body. My fingertip brushing up and down my wet slit.

I heard a door. Then footsteps. My heart pounded. Two voices. Someone mentioned Davie. Please don't let it be him, I prayed. Oh God...as I was...naked...wet...aroused....smelling of ..of musk...

Then the key turned. Jesus, I prayed even harder, let it be Susan. But at the moment, I hated the thought of being seen even by her in my current state. I huddled in the corner. I closed my eyes. My front pressed tightly to the wall. So cold against my hot body.

The light wasn't even turned on. The door closed again. Locked. "Wait!" I gasped. I turned.

I bumped into another body. I was too terrified to even scream. My breath coming in great gasps. I only relaxed when I heard Jenny's voice.

"Oh Davie," she slurred, as her arms came around me.

It was a relief, it was only Jenny. And it was dark. I was safe for now.

But my sense of relief quickly came to an end.

Soon she was on me. Pressing into me. Her full breasts touching mine. Her mouth. Her tongue. So hungry. So very hungry. I tried to tell her it wasn't Davie. That it was me. I wanted to tell her, but I couldn't get a word in edgewise due to her persistent kisses.

"Oh Davie, I loved the way you kissed me tonight. I've always liked you...but you never noticed. I want - I want you so much." Jenny slurred. "Do you want me. Do you want to be my first?"

I wanted to tell her. But I couldn't. What would she do if she learned it was me and not David? That she'd kissed. That I'd kissed back. Then before I could think, she stumbled and was pushing me to the floor.

"Just lay down," she giggled. "I'll do the work. Are you hard for me? Do you want me?"

I wanted a way out. My mind raced with all these things I should say. But in seconds I could feel her on me. And then I discovered something horrifying. That terrified me to the core. She was naked. Just like me. Naked and very very wet. Worse, she was in a position atop me that left me very very vulnerable. I....I.....

I couldn't even put it into words. Couldn't tell Dr. Livingston what had happened.

"Think back. Just relax. Let the feeling wash over you. Now tell me. What were Jenny's next words?" Dr. Livingston helped me along.

"Oh Davie," Jenny cried. "You don't need to do that. I'm already wet ...and I'm ready ... oh I'm so ready for you. I've dreamt of this for so long. Do you have a condom? Oh...my...oh Davie....I didn't think guys did that...oh ...God .ahhh...your sweet kisses. Mmmmmm....oh Davie...that feels good. That feels so fucking good."

"You licked her?" Dr. Livingston asked, breaking my out of my reverie.

"I wasn't ...I wasn't licking her. I mean...not in that way," I stammered. It wasn't like that. Not at all. She made it sound like I'd done it on my own free will. "She was ...Jenny was doing most of the work. Just like earlier, she was the aggressor once again."

"So it was her fault then?" Dr. Livingston asked. "She took advantage of you...her best friend."

"No ... I mean..you see...she didn't know it was me." I explained.

"So you took advantage of her?" Dr. Livingston asked.

My shame was so deep it was almost palpable.

"Yes...I guess I did..." I admitted. "But I didn't do it intentionally. It was only my lips at first. From accidental contact.

But she assumed. And then she kept going. Breathing. Moaning. I just wanted her to keep quiet. I figured if I did what she wanted, she would eventually stop. Then I would be able to get out from underneath her before Susan came back."

"Your best friend," Dr. Livingston said. "Was she extremely fat. Extraordinarily heavy? A weightlifter so strong she was able to overpower you?"

I felt confused. In my memories, she had been heavy. But she wasn't a heavy girl. She was thicker, but I was taller. I remembered her knees pinning my wrists. But had they truly?

"Are you suppressing again? Perhaps you should lie on the floor? Go on. It will help you remember." Dr. Livingston suggested. "Do you think that would help put you in the same frame of mind?"

I wanted to remember. I felt like I was on the verge of a break though. I felt like I was giving up more control that I was prepared to give, yet it remained eerily the same feeling as that night so long ago. I lay naked on the floor. Chill bumps covered my arms. I did feel more vulnerable. Similar to how I felt that night.

"She was on top of me. My body was bent up in the confines of the closet. So uncomfortable. So helpless. Her weight settled on my wrists....and ..."

I felt weight on my wrists. God, it felt so real...just like that night. I could almost smell the dank mildew smell from the mop against the wall. And then the musk. The scent of Jenny's arousal. Her wet muff pressed against my face. She was humping against my face.

"Davie...davie..." Jenny moaned.

I could feel her wet lips against my own. Not the lips of her mouth that I had already kissed several times that night, but the lower lips...of her vagina. I felt so helpless. So vulnerable. I tried to move my wrists, but they were stuck fast. I wanted her to be quiet. I - I - my tongue snuck out of my mouth. But only to lick her moisture from my lips. Only I - only I licked her in the process.

It was an accident.

Jenny didn't know it was an accident however. She moaned. She purred.

She panted.

And she was quieter. If only a bit.

I thought... doctor, I felt so helpless...all I could think was that I could do it again and make her quieter still.

My tongue crept out, not for my lips this time...

...but hers.

Slowly at first. But then faster. I wanted to finish her off. Then she would get off of me before we could be discovered and humiliated.