The Rekindle

Briel shuffled nervously on the bed as she tried to hide the effects of her illness from him. I should have felt glad to se the pain crest his face when he at last saw what he had done to Briel, but for him to share in our grief as a communal member was a great insult.

"Please," she said reaching for him. "Don't look

at me that way." She nervously smiled, the poor teeth of her once brilliant smile were spaced apart and looked thin.

"Your mother- I went to your house and I felt like I was intruding."

"You are intruding," I said, leaning against the

far wall.

"I didn't want to intrude on your holiday," he continued nervously looking to me and then my sister for assurance.

"So much of a holiday," I sneered and my sister paid no attention.

"Your mother said you were in the hospital?" I knew what the end of his sentence meant. He hadn't expected to find her like this. He looked as if he were tying to see past the death on her to find her former glory. My heart raced and my stomach knotted angrily. How dare he judge her.

"I know..." she said quietly, "I look hideous." She expertly adjusted the scarf on her head and patted the bed beside her.

"I am glad to see you," he said as he sat down. I rolled my eyes. "I brought you something." He put the crumpled present on her lap. She took it and shook it to her ear with a grin, like she had every gift since we were children.

I couldn't stomach anymore of this reunion. I walked out of the room to stand in the hallway. The nurse smiled at me and I nodded. There were benefits to this small town hospital; when your younger sister lay on her death bed in the other room they were very lenient about the visitation rules.

My teeth ground together hearing her laugh float out of the room into the hallway. I wished I had never introduced her to him.

My best friend in college. We had been roommates together, inseparable. Our mutual friend had nicknamed us "Double Trouble," mostly because of the infamous pranks we had pulled in the dorms.

"Who is this Brrrr-ell you keep speaking to every night?" Caden asked one day, his body draped over his bed and desk chair.

"She's my sister," I said.

"Hopefully, she doesn't share your genes, Ehan,"

he teased and I only smiled with a shrug.

"She's my twin, actually."

His eyebrows floated up his forehead. "Twin? You have a twin?"

"Yep. We decided to go to different schools. You know, find our own way. She's a music major at the U."

"Wow, what's it like, can you read each other's thoughts, finish each other's sentences?"

"No, but we are close."

"Wow! Ehan has a female copy."

Caden came to our home for Thanksgiving that first year instead of traveling to his family. My sister took to him right away. We all became a new team, Double and Trouble had been newly coined The Musketeers as Caden and I would drive to Briel's university on weekends. I enjoyed having my sister and best friend around without having to choose one over the other.

One day things shifted to a new level and before I knew it my sister had a boyfriend. I didn't mind my sister dating my best friend. I trusted him with her. I knew he was going to be sensitive to her delicate nature and honor her as her first true relationship. Now I regretted having ever laid eyes on him.

I watched my sister during those days after tragedy had hit Caden's life. She was just as frazzled as he was. She had sleepless nights when he wouldn't return her calls. She had a way of sucking up her feelings and concerns for him when he refused to let her accompany him to the funeral. She had reasoned it as everyone had different ways of dealing with grief. "I have to give him his space," she would say as a mantra.

She was incredibly loyal and devoted to him, more than any girl I had ever dated was to me. I was shocked that he decided to break it off right before he left the country.

Briel spoke with him until the nurses took her for more tests. I thought he had left us to our personal hell, giving us peace from his presence, a horrible memory we wanted to forget. He returned while she was with the nurses. I couldn't stand being in the same room with this so-called-friend who had pained Briel so. I saw red when she returned, her face was again bright with joy, the real joy that had been absent for so long. Caden had brought her hopes up—I could not believe he would do this when so much was at stake to keep her alive everyday.

Caden left after my sister was given drugs to help her sleep. He looked at me with disbelief as he left. He couldn't believe that she had declined so rapidly since he had broken her heart. I glared at him as if my stare could inflict as much pain on him as he'd put Briel through.

We didn't say a word to each other, though I wanted to know how long he planned on staying and what was his motive for seeing her now, at her end, when he had made it impossible for her to communicate with him before this.

When I returned to the room, Briel lay asleep. A silver locket hung around her neck and she had turned her claddagh ring back to facing in. I sighed against the tightness in my chest but it did not disappear.

Caden—The Reappraisal

Ehan's shoulder hit me as I left the room, his body was vibrating with tension. I had had no idea that I would walk into what I saw that Christmas Eve. I thought that if I were to return, I would find her in the arms of someone new. She was beautiful, despite what she had always thought of herself. I was taken aback when I was told to go to the hospital, but I had assumed it was something simple. When I approached her, I realized something grave was haunting her. She was my angel and her wings were clipped.

I went back to my hotel that Christmas Eve and

sat on the edge of my bed unsure what I was feeling. I was in shock. My second Christmas gift for Briel was a complete gamble and I dare not open my suitcase to look at it as I had every day for the past month.

Despite the pain that contorted her face and the scarf that covered her head, she was still beautiful. She was my Briel. She talked to me, comforted me as if she weren't in a hospital bed connected to machines that beeped, eavesdropping and distracting me from her.

The machines, my mouth dried as I recalled the sight. I made myself breathe through my mouth, it was the only way I knew to make sure that I was breathing. I decided to sleep; maybe I was jumping to conclusions, maybe she was coming around. She couldn't be that ill, not within just seven months. I blinked my eyes forcing the tears into back.

I should have stayed, and helped her through this. If I loved her and I knew I did, I should have been the one willing to sacrifice, not her. I crawled under the covers and let my dreams remind me of what she meant to me.

I was her first. After a solid year of being friends, she told me that she was attracted to me but she was afraid of what I would think. I liked her, too. It was strange, liking your best-friend's sister, let alone his twin.

She was so tender and graceful in everything she did and her approach to the world. I kissed her impulsively, but when my lips touched hers they were incredibly soft, sweet and I couldn't wait to kiss her again. She smiled, more out of nerves than anything. She was excited but in her naïveté she didn't know what the next step was.

I didn't want to tell her brother right away that I had decided to date his sister. I remember vaguely him saying that she was not experienced before I met her. I knew her brother was going to be cautious but when we told him he was excited and happy. He approved of me dating Briel.

Despite being less experienced she was a tender, giving lover. I knew that everything she did was a full expression of her heart.

It was another Christmas when she decided she wanted to give herself fully to me. I was more nervous than she was. I wanted it to be perfect. I was on a small college budget but I saved and took her to a quaint bed and breakfast in the hills. I covered the bed with rose petals and candles flickered all over the room. I had bought a bottle of champagne; granted, it wasn't the best-tasting, but she liked it more for the thought.

I gently sat her down on the bed, she glowed in the candle light, her big brown eyes were like a doe's, beautiful and wanting. I sat beside her, taking her hand. I gave her a claddagh ring, turning in towards her heart.

"What is this?" she asked, her eyes smiling.

"It's a claddagh ring. You can only be given one

as a gift. You turn it towards your heart to signify that your heart is occupied and away to show that you are looking for love to fill it. I will try to fill you heart the best I can, Briel. I love you."

I said it, but I also felt it, it wasn't like just trying to get over saying it, I wanted to say it again. I had never told a girl that I loved her. She shared her body with me that night for the first time and I shared my heart.

I cradled her body beneath me, my naked chest to hers as I held her head between my hands. She was so delicate, her skin was soft I never wanted to leave from her touch. I crushed my lips to hers as I pushed past her maidenhead. She only cried for a moment but our kiss helped the pain melt away until we found rhythm together. We were no longer separate beings orbiting around her brother, we had formed our own bond that no one else could share.

We rarely argued and I fell more in love with her each day. I knew she was the girl I would love to marry to spend a lifetime together in each other arms, helping her raise our children made from our love. I knew she was the woman I couldn't wait to grow old with. I pictured her sitting beside me on the porch swing, her long curly brown hair grayed with wisdom.

I sat at the edge of my bed trying to understand all that had transpired tonight. My best friend. who had once been as warm as his sister, was cold to me. Briel was wakeful one moment and then she'd succumb to short naps. The nurses had taken her away and I needed air. I wanted air to sort out the volcano that was stifling my insides.

"She's not here," Ehan spoke to me coldly when I returned to the room. This was not the Ehan who had been my friend when I left seven months ago. I frowned, unable to understand the change. "Why are you here? You cannot handle tragedy, remember."

"What do you mean?" I felt sick.

"You left her. You ran away because you couldn't face uncertainties head on. Life throws you punches and you forget everyone except yourself."

"You can't fault me for that. I lost my-"

"You weren't the only one who lost someone. It was as if you wanted her dead to you."

My face flushed at his harsh words. I never wanted her to feel that way. I was in my own personal horror but I cared deeply for her. And I imagined always looking fond on her, often picturing myself wondering what she was doing in life when I grew older.

"I'm sorry, Ehan."

"Sorry is not enough, Caden. You have come too late and I am glad. You are no good for her."

"What do you mean, too late?" I spoke slowly.

Then it came to me, I was set aback. It was what it appeared but I had hoped that it wasn't the truth. Ehan spoke plainly, his voice no longer tainted by the unnerving malice he had for me. She was dying; expected dead by the New Year.

I was ready to apologize again to Ehan, to tell him to tell Briel that I wouldn't be back. I rather she feel ill will towards me than to realize that her brother loss of confidence in me was true. Something would indeed happen to use eventually and would I be able to handle it and still be a good person for Briel.

Two people in one year. I couldn't handle it. I knew I would not manage. It was like death followed me, where ever I went the closest and dearest people to me had been lost. I believed Ehan.

I was ready to turn to the door, excuse myself from her life once and for all when the nurses wheeled her in. She looked worse than she had hours before. She sat in the wheelchair, her head tilted back, her skin was gray, eyes dull. When she had passed me she opened her eyes and smiled. Her weak, tube-covered hand reached for me but I did not reach back.

However, I was struck again by my reason for my return. I had to re-evaluate, remember what she meant to me. And then I saw my precious angel for what she was and I could not leave, I had to show her my love. She deserved it.

"I thought you were leaving?" Ehan sneered at me as he helped his frail sister into the bed.

She looked at me, her eyes happy and pleading. "Please don't go, Caden. I'm fine."

I couldn't leave. I wouldn't. She deserved so much more than to have to deal with my fear again. She was better than the consequences of my fear. I shook my head and sat on the bed next to her.

Ehan, his body full of resentment and tension, stormed out of the room. I had never seen him like this, he was usually my carefree friend, cordial, gregarious, and easy-going nothing could faze him. Briel followed him with saddened eyes as he left her room.

"He's upset with me." I looked at her curiously. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Merry Christmas," I said, changing the topic. I didn't want to talk about it, either.

"You turned my ring around when I was sleeping" she said.

Wow, I didn't think she'd notice so quickly. I had turned her ring back towards her heart after she fell asleep last night. I nodded and then pulled the second gift from my pocket. "Yes, I did turn it around because you should have a full heart." With shaky hands I placed the box in her lap. She looked at it tentatively before opening it.

It was a two-carat princess-cut diamond I had purchased a month ago when I decided to take a chance that she would consider my gift.

"Briel, will you marry me?" I asked her. She stared at the diamond turning, it this way and that watching the light glint off the facets. She slowly put the gift back down in her lap and looked at me.

"No, I cant." I was surprised.

"Why not? I love you. I'll make sure it is perfect. I'll make sure everything is perfect." I was desperate.

"No." she said again with more resolve. "I am dying in a matter of days. It's just not going to be how my life worked out. I don't want you to be a widow. To deal with the pain of two deaths in one year. Please don't feel sorry for me."

"I want to marry you, life expectancy be damned. I love you Briel."

"No." she said and then turned away from me.

I rubbed her back, I could feel her body shudder slightly. I knew she was hiding her tears from me.

I said after a moment of silence. "I should have stayed."

Her parents pushed through the door singing "Joy to the World" and she had just enough time to recover herself.

Her parents were always kind to me and hospitable. Unlike, Ehan, they seemed unchanged by their opinions of my return, almost like they were happy that I saw their daughter. Maybe there was more to this dying because of me. Was it possible to die of a broken heart? Was is possible that these two wonderful people had placed all their chips in hopes that I would help Briel get better?

They stood around her opening their presents; eerily, she opened none for herself. Her mother whispered to me while her father flipped through the channels with her.

"She insisted that we not buy her anything."

Briel was indeed happy to watch them open their presents. I finally laid back and feel asleep, the image of her happy face so opposed to what fate had given her could not be erased from my mind.

Christmas day should be a day of miracles and perfection. In all ways it did looked like it should be as I drove the rental car to see Briel.

A fresh coat of snow had fallen overnight. Light and perfect. Children in red and green jackets up to their knees, trapped in the white powder tossed snowballs at each other. Another family made a snowman, picking their youngest up to place a winter's hat on the top.

I couldn't help but think of Briel's love of singing the Christmas songs along with the radio as I drove only a year ago. Her brilliant smile coaxed me to join her as she tapped her feet to the music. I'd take her hand, realizing how wonderful it was to be with Briel and happily sang along. She had always made me happy with just the simplest things. As simple as singing Christmas carols in the car.

When I arrived I felt nervous, like time was running out. I didn't know what to expect. I knew that I had to be present, to give her the love she so deserved but it was possible she wouldn't want to see me. She had turned down my proposal. I didn't understand how so much could happen in such a short time.

"Oh, hello, Caden," he mother greeted me. "We are celebrating Christmas but this is a no purchase gift zone, just the gift of words."

I heard Ehan scoff as he kicked the wall, then he leaned against it, his arms forever crossed over his chest.

"How's your first year after graduation?" her father asked.

I shuffled my coat off and said, "Fine." I was eager to see Briel but she was asleep.

"How's your fifth year?" I asked Ehan. He had been very nervous about changing his major, realizing he would have to do an additional year. I remember helping him weigh his options for weeks, listening and encouraging him.

"I had to drop out!" he snapped. I knew I had been at fault for being a distant friend during this time where is twin was slipping through his fingers, but I never suspected that I would receive so much hostility from Ehan. He blamed me for everything.

I sat down beside Brie, my fingers traced her face and brushed across her lips.

"I asked her to marry me," I announced so suddenly I caught myself off guard.

Ehan hissed and I could already hear a storm brewing.

Ehan's voice shot through me. "How dare you." His parents' happy surprise competed with each other, jangling into one disjointed noise.

"She said no," I continued.

"You don't belong here," he said but was careful to keep his voice low, considering his sister.

There it was, the source of the hostility. He couldn't possibly blame me for something that was of no control of my own.

"She's dying because of you. You broke her heart." He glared at me.

"That does not happen," his father interjected. "You need to be more hospitable towards your friend, son."

His voice was pure ice. "It's true. Briel knows it, too. It's why she has chosen to give up-"

"That's enough, Ehan!" his mother cried. She grabbed her heart as if it were about to burst from the anguish on her face.

"Its true," he continued with fire, "she is dying of a broken heart. I don't want him here. He will only worsen-"

"Please," Briel's voice said, surprisingly strong. "Ehan, please stop."

Her eyes were brilliant; the fire in her brother's eyes was also in her own. She took my hand tightly into her own.

"Can I have a moment with Caden?" she asked when the tension in the room finally eased.

Her family filed out, Ehan following his parents, his eyes not leaving mine until he had to turn to shut the door.

Briel sighed. "We all deal with grief in our own way," she said. I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling guilty if the means of my dealing with grief had cause her to live under such torturous circumstances to the end.

"Briel, are you dying of a broken heart?" I took both of her delicate hands into my own. She looked at me with her big brown eyes and nodded. Tears fell down my cheeks. "I am sorry, Briel. I love you."

"I can't let you marry me."

"Your brother was right. I don't deal well with tragedy. But, Briel, I am here."

"It wouldn't be fair to you. You should find a nice girl, marry her."

"You don't understand, I don't want any other girl-"