The Rose

When your orgasm arrives it is quiet and extremely intense. You are not a screamer.

I feel your palpitations on my shaft and I join you. You gently bite the flesh of my shoulder with pleasure at the sensation of my warmth flooding you.

We hold each other tight for a long time. You grip my softened penis inside you as if you are reluctant to let it go. My thoughts are a maelstrom, but above all I know that I love you more than life itself. I tell you so. But, also, inside me I know that these priceless moments of overwhelming happiness will be repaid in hours, no, days of grief when you leave tomorrow.

You say that I am quiet and ask if there is something on my mind. I do not wish to raise the spectre of your imminent departure, so tell you that I am puzzled about you and Tane, especially after last night and finding that you were still intact. You pretend anger and disappointment that I thought you and Tane had been lovers. Hanging my head contritely I confess my guilt.

You stroke my hair and swear me to secrecy. I must not tell a single soul. Tane is gay.

You tell me that Tane trusted you instinctively from the moment you first met. When he brought you home from the movies on Monday he had it all wrong, but expected that the 'sophisticated city girl' would want to make out. He admitted his orientation to save both of you any embarrassment. The two of you just stood on the doorstep and hugged for ages. You sigh and say how sad it is, because he has such a beautiful body.

You tell me that Tane is in an impossible situation. Forestry is a very macho environment and he also wants to carry on playing rugby football. His attraction to men, if he let it become general knowledge, would make him an outcast with all of his closest mates. So, for now, he suppresses his sexual urges. Eventually he will move away from here and Come Out, but for the time being he wants to stay under cover.

You told him that you would help him by becoming his 'girlfriend', but warned him that if his 'being gay' turned out to be a come-on tactic you would personally cut his nuts off!

I laugh at your boldness and then ask how you came to know so much about Tane's 'beautiful body'. You reply that you have seen him naked before last night. It was at the Maihi's house on Thursday evening. The parents were out and it didn't take long for Hine and Waka to disappear into her room. They almost shook the house down with their lovemaking!

You and Tane went to the room belonging to Hine's younger sister, Carla. She was out with their parents. You two couldn't just sit in the lounge listening to Hine and Waka perform!

In the past, for show when the four of you were parked-up in Tane's car and Hine and Waka were making out in the back seat, you had let him unbutton your top to 'fondle' your breasts and, also, undo the waistband of your jeans. And you had unzipped him as well, so you were 'comfortable' with Tane to that extent. Now, you undressed each other completely then explored each other with your hands and your lips. You stroked his penis and he stayed soft. He touched you between the legs and you felt nothing. Tane showed no sexual desire for you and in return you felt none for him. You lay on Carla's bed and held each other close. You personally found it a very lovely, almost religious experience. You dozed off in each other's arms and Hine 'caught you out' in what she thought was an after-sex sleep. Although it was not intended to have that effect, it helped to reinforce the impression of Tane's masculinity.

Waka spoiled the whole mood when he came into the room and, on seeing you with no clothes on, got all stupid and suggested to Tane that they should do swap or make it a foursome. Tane was furious and threatened to punch Waka's lights out if he didn't get out of there fast. Hine was less than impressed with her man as well.

While you are telling me all this I am examining my own feeling and reactions.

To my surprise I feel no anger or jealousy, except maybe towards Waka. I ask you if you would have lain with Tane if he were straight.

You are silent for a few seconds, then you say "No. You are always at the back of my mind. Right from my very first sexual stirrings, I was confused by my emotions whenever I thought about you. It was much worse when you and I were alone together, even before you and Mummy broke up."

You knew even then, from your teachers at school, that those particular sexual feelings you got were 'nasty' - that you should not want me in that way. But when you were with me it felt so 'right', and, especially now, it still does. In your room on Sunday you were almost overwhelmed by the passion of our embrace. All the longing from last summer poured back over you completely unchanged. If Adam and Joanna hadn't come along you would have begged me to make love to you then.

You tell me you would not have considered going out with Tane more than the once if you had not overheard Joanna and I going to my room in the wee small hours of Tuesday morning. That's also why you 'got your own back' by not staying at home with me that day. You touch my lips with your fingertip to silence my rising protestation and say that you found out from her two days later that Joanna didn't stay with me. But by then you were 'in deep' into your charade with Tane.

Then, when you watched me leave the party with Marama you were suddenly afraid that your conspiracy with Tane had backfired totally on you. You became desperate. You were convinced that you were losing me! You dragged Tane away from the guitars and the singing to bring you home. He wasn't very pleased. The rest of the gathering made ribald jokes about you wanting to get him all alone, but you laughed it off and let them think what they liked. You had to find out if Marama and I were spending the night together.

You drove past the Maihi's on the way here and saw my car parked outside. And there were no lights on in the house. You feared the worst. You were so distraught with jealousy when you arrived here; you just about dragged Tane to your room. You were going to punish me by forcing Tane to have you. But, it was no use. You tried everything short of going down on him to get him aroused, but he still could not get erect. He told you that your smell, the smell of your sex, put him off. You could not hate him for that, so you eventually gave up and you both fell asleep.

You caress my nipples with the tip of your tongue and stroke my belly with your palms. I harden inside you and we make love again.

You fashion me a 'galosh' for my cast out of a large plastic freezer bag so that we can shower together. Slippery soapsuds and intimate caresses almost lead to more lovemaking under the warm cascading water. But we desist in the knowledge that Joanna and or Adam will be home soon. When we towel each other down afterwards we tenderly kiss the waypoints of each other's body.

We only just get dressed in time before Adam arrives home. Caroline is with him. The news is excellent. Adam has proposed marriage, Caroline has accepted and her parents have welcomed Adam into their family as a son. We are all to go over to their place for a celebratory luncheon. We shall have to find out how to contact Murray McNeish and get him to release Joanna!

The last time I was as completely happy as I am today was when I watched your head emerging from your mother's womb.

You are radiant. A stranger looking at our group could easily make the mistake that you are the one who is to be the blushing bride. Joanna corners you just before we leave for the Zyben's. I overhear her excited demand to know what you and Tane got up to last night: "It must have been fantastic… you look so wonderful!"

The get-together of the two families is a joyous occasion that lasts well into the afternoon. In a quiet moment I take Caroline's parents, Henk and Martha, to one side to tell them of the plans I have been making for some time, just for this occasion. I want them to know first because they shouldn't feel as though I am trying to upstage them… I have corporatised the farm assets into a limited liability company. Adam will be CEO and he and Caroline will jointly hold seventy percent of the shares. It is their wedding gift from me. You and I will also be directors with half of the remaining thirty percent each.

I tell you, Adam and Caroline straight after speaking to Henk and Martha. Adam's response is grateful - and predictable: "But, what about you, Dad?"

I thank him for his concern and reassure him that I am not putting myself out to grass just yet. I will act as a consultant whenever he needs my advice. Also, very quietly two years ago I purchased 150 hectares of good flat land just outside Oakura, up in Taranaki. It was being used to farm emu and ostrich. The owners, South African immigrants, knew what they were doing when it came to handling the birds. But they had bought their breeding stock at the top of the market when all the Queen Street

Cowboys from Auckland were pushing prices up to ridiculous levels in an attempt to make a fast buck. Consequently they were under-capitalised and eventually went bankrupt. I kept them on as managers and the place is now turning a tidy profit. Soon

I intend to move up there and have a more direct involvement in the operation.

Later, we I find ourselves alone in the crowd for a few seconds. You ask me what the schools are like up in Taranaki. I want to fold you in my arms and hug you to me, but all I dare to do in this company is take hold of your elbow and squeeze it gently. I tell you that there are good schools. In any case, you will be starting University in the summer. But, in my heart of hearts, I know that your mother will not let you go.

We end up staying for dinner. Murray comes to collect Joanna at about 4.00pm. It looks as though they will spend the night together again. I hope it isn't just lust. We leave just after eight o'clock. Adam has his own room in the Zyben's house. He will stay here tonight.

We shall spend our last night together in my bed.

Day Nine: Departure Day

Joanna flies in and out again very early, almost catching us asleep, naked in each other's arms. Instead, I was pottering around in the kitchen in my bathrobe making us some tea. She should have left yesterday and will not get to work until midday. She gives me a big farewell hug and says, "I might get fired, but it was worth it!" She and Murray will be seeing each other again very soon.

Adam brings Caroline with him when he comes home. He is showing her their new domain on horseback. Caroline cannot understand why he refuses to meet your mother and does not want her to know that he is getting married. Will Adam never forgive her?

I cannot hide my misery that you are about to leave. I have bought a new bunch of telephone cards and ask you if you have your pouch so that I can tape them to you like I did last time. I am alarmed that you seem reluctant to hide the cards, telling me that I shouldn't worry and that everything is going to be all right. I insist and, with a 'frustrated little-girl' sigh, you undo your skirt at the waistband and push it and your panties far further down your legs than necessary. You joke that all I want to do is kiss you down there one last time. You are not wrong! You hold my cheek against the soft fork of your thighs and stroke my hair. I breathe in your scent, impressing you on my consciousness for the next six months. I am utterly desolate, but you seem oddly serene.

We hear a car coming up the hill. It is time.

Jules parks about two hundred metres away from the house. The daft bitch thinks I will attack her if she gets any closer! In her usual fashion, your mother works herself into a frenzy of icy hostility as she stomps her way towards us. She is not like this on the rare occasions when we speak on the telephone. Is it guilt that makes her act this way when she and I are face to face? God, just look at her! Rough-cropped hair, bib overalls, heavy boots! There is no mistaking her sexual orientation now!

You squeeze my hand and whisper, "Remember, Daddy, everything is going to be all right!" Your mother takes hold of your grip and turns to walk back to the car. The only words she says are: "I don't know why you make me walk all the way over here,

Gabrielle… come along!" Meekly, you follow her.

My eyes are so full of tears I cannot see you go. They run in streams down my cheeks and drip from my chin. Once upon a time I thought it was unmanly to cry, but now I am not ashamed. I hear voices raised in a sudden, sharp altercation followed by the 'clunk-clunk' of car doors slamming. The engine turns over and roars into life, over-revving madly. Someone is very angry. The sun breaks out from behind the clouds as the car drives off, filling my eyes with diamonds. Their dazzle hurts me. I brush them away on my sleeve and look up to catch a last glimpse of you, two kilometres away in the valley when you reach the point where our farm track joins the highway… And I see you walking slowly towards me, smiling!

My head spins at your happy shout: "I showed them the rose!"

We go dancing in the moonlight
With the starlight in your eyes
We go dancing till the sunrise
You and me we're gonna dance, dance, dance*

*Love Of My Life (C Santana & D Matthews) © Stellabella Music (BMI)/Golden Grey Ltd (ASCAP)