The Sexy Smoking Stripper

"Oh, shit." I began the laborious process of getting them out of the bar and on the bus. It took six trips. I made sure the were all aware of the special precautions I'd taken. Scattered throughout the bus were six big buckets filled with kitty litter. Yes, pure class.

I went in one last time to see if I could find Melissa. She wasn't in the bar. One of the bouncers said, "You OK to drive, man?"

"Yeah, I didn't drink all night. Once I get those maniacs to bed I'm gonna have a couple, though."

"I heard that."

"Hey, do you know where Melissa is?"

He shrugged. "Probably getting changed. You want me to send her out?"

"Please, if she's not busy." He disappeared, and a minute later Melissa walked out. It was odd, she was totally nude, her perfect body exposed to the world, but I hardly noticed that anymore. I was focusing more on her face, how she looked, if she was pleased to see me or annoyed . She was adorable.

"I don't have a lot of time, I'm sorry," I said. "I wanted to ask you out. On a date. Dinner or something."

She smiled, but she said, "I don't think so."

I wasn't about to give up so easily. "I'm not a idiot. I mean, I'm an idiot, but not a total idiot. I'm sure you have guys hounding you all the time. But I like you, a lot, and not just because of, uh, what we did. I liked you before all that. Guys ask girls out on dates all the time. So, how about it?"

"So, you want to go out with a girl you met in a strip club, who propositioned you twice, dry humped you, and gave you a handjob? You sound a bit crazy. I have standards for myself, you know."

I didn't know if she was kidding or serious. "Dinner. Me and you. Clothing required. If you want we'll split the check. Kiss goodnight totally up to you. Sex not even on the table."

She laughed. "Tell you what. Give me your phone number and e-mail, and I'll think about it. I get asked out 20 times a night here and I've never said yes. Then again, I never had a guy ask me to smoke for him, never had an orgasm with a guy, never gave a guy a handjob. So, let me think about it."

I wrote my home number and e-mail on the back of my business card. "I hope you call me." She wished me good night, and I did the same, and I left.

I got the guys home somehow. The bus...let's not talk about what shape the bus was in. Christ. Anyway, a day went by and not a peep from Melissa. Then a week. Then a month. I thought about going back to the club to see her again, but no, what was the point? She was just working that night, doing her job. My heart was broken, my penis bereft. I wanted her SO MUCH that I skipped going out with my friends, I didn't date anyone. I didn't tell anyone why I was so depressed, so they thought I was just fucked in the head. And I was.

After work on Monday the following week I walked of my building and hiked to my car. I had the feeling I was being watched. I turned around and sure enough, a girl was walking right behind me, she must have waited for me to come out. She was wearing a plain gray T-shirt and blue jean shorts and sandals. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she wasn't wearing makeup.

"Three things before we go to dinner tonight," Melissa said. "One, this is how I look on my days off. Two, I quit smoking after that night you were at the club, for real this time. Three, I'm in the mood for Chinese food."

I paused to think it over. "Chinese, huh? Deal." I opened the passenger door and she skipped inside. I floated to the drivers side and got in.

"Quit smoking, huh?" I asked as I pulled out of the lot. "Good for you."

"Yeah, right. You're dying inside right now. But no more cigarettes for me." She paused a second, then flashed me a dirty look. "Unless I have fantastic sex with someone, then I'll probably have to have one."

"You haven't smoked since that night in the club?"

"Nope."

"Want to stop at a gas station to buy a pack right now?"

She showed me the inside of her purse. I saw a pack of Marlboro Lights and a box of Trojans. She said, "keep your eyes on the road."

"How about we skip dinner?"

"What kind of girl do you think I am? You have to at least buy me dinner first!"