The Story of Us

She crawled off and laid down next to me on her side. "No, nobody on top or bottom. Side to side, just like this."

I turned to face her and scooted forward. She did the same, wrapping one arm under my neck and the other around my head. I did likewise. We hesitated for a moment, each one of us getting up the courage, so close I could feel her heart pounding out of her chest, skidding as it tried to apply the brakes only to find them locked up. Exactly like mine.

I was trying so hard not to think about what was happening, but she was all I could picture. The bed, the room, the house, everything around me dissolved out of focus. It was just me and Allie, and if I closed my eyes, I could pretend she was anybody really, and it would be just like when we played 'house' or 'Star Wars' or any other games when we were younger.

Her eyes shut, and she tugged me closer. I moved my leg between hers so I could accommodate, and in the instant before our lips touched again, I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to think of someone, anyone, who I'd feel right doing this with in Dad's room while he was out enjoying the evening with his co-workers in celebration of winning a major case.

Our mouths met.

We kissed.

So help me, my sister and I, intentionally, kissed.

I don't know what she felt, but as soon as the sensation of my mouth touching hers registered, I knew there wasn't anyone else who would feel right, or better, in this situation than she did. No celebrity, no classmate, no secret crush. My heart, my imagination, my soul all agreed: this was the way it was supposed to be. This is what a first kiss was supposed to feel like. It was supposed to steal your breath, strip your nerves, move you to the very core of your being, freeze time in that one, specific instant, the one moment in all of history where you could plant an invisible flag and proudly declare, "This moment is a gift, and it's mine and mine alone."

I felt a tear welling up because deep down I knew I'd never get another one like it. Every time after this, every relationship, every introduction, every kiss, it would all try to measure up to this one. And it would fail. For the first time, I felt like I knew what it meant to be truly, completely present in the moment. The warmth, the embarrassment, the explanations, the rationalizations to come: they would all never exist like this again.

I hugged her, squeezing her torso against mine, feeling electricity charge the air, wondering if a lightning bolt from heaven would scream down and obliterate me for daring to do what I knew was...well, if not 'wrong' then at least...not right?

Her arms flexed and I felt her hand move up into my hair, fingers spreading, holding me to her mouth. Was she feeling the same thing I did? I parted my lips to ask her and as soon as I did, I felt her tongue, tangy with the residue of her peppermint mouthwash, poke against mine, exploring. Who am I to you in this fantasy? I wanted to ask, but a part of me feared the answer. Because if she asked me the same question, I couldn't lie. To me, she was herself, the only one who made sense. My tongue moved to meet hers and I felt the heat of both desire and dread spreading, emanating from my chest out to my extremities.

By now the kiss had gone on long enough it couldn't qualify as just one. We'd expanded it, added to it, breathed a part of ourselves into it. We had made something new, something unique, something unquestionably ours, a seventh crow carrying a secret never to be told. And like a newly-birthed life form, it grew of its own accord.

My hand moved from around her back and over to her front, caressing the fabric of her gray tank top, and in my mind I saw again what I witnessed earlier when she bent over me: the soft, gentle peaks of her breasts, each one tanned from the salon she and her friends visited from time to time, tipped with small peppermint creme-coloured areolas, the center of each holding a beautiful little rosebud nipple. I gently pushed my hand against her breast through her tank top and ran my thumb across it, and after my second pass I felt a little bump, straining against the cotton, urging another touch.

And another.

And another.

A gasp, a small moan, escaped her lips and she pressed her chest to my hand, forcing her breast into my palm, pleading me to continue with her body language, and by now I didn't have a choice.

I pushed her back just long enough that I could get my hand down under her shirt, and I slid it upward, feeling the soft skin against my fingers as I worked my way up to cup it again, holding her nipple between the side of my thumb and the lowest knuckle of my index finger, sharing her breath as our kiss broke through the levees and started flooding further into uncharted first territories. Her tongue pushed deeper into my mouth and I held it there, wrestling with my own, as the momentum continued to build.

She shivered as I ran my fingertip across her nipple, touching hers the way I liked touching mine when I pleasured myself. The landscape was different, smaller and more firm, taut and toned from her daily run, but not altogether unfamiliar. I could find my way here without a map. The only question was if she wanted me to.

She pulled away, and for a moment I thought maybe I had crossed a line, and opened my eyes to see her looking over at me, using her free arm to push her shirt up and over her breasts, straining against the mattress where her torso met the bed clothes, until she finally succeeded and yanked it up, then guided my hand back.

The heat radiating off her skin was unreal. Intoxicating. It just didn't stop.

I felt every beat of her heart, the rhythm swelling in frequency, and was overtaken by my own desire to feel her against me, as close as I could, with nothing, not even the air of the room, between us. I sat up and pulled her up with me. My hands grabbed for her tank top and yanked it towards the ceiling faster than she could react. It bunched under her armpits, she struggled to get her arms up, and then it was off, leaving nothing behind but the crackle of static electricity from her blonde hair.

She took hold of my t-shirt as well, and I scooted forward to loosen the tail from under my butt since it was a longer one meant for sleeping in. I raised my arms and soon I felt the cool air against my own chest. She pitched my shirt off the side of the bed and lunged into me, knocking me back against the pillows, pinning me to the mattress.

My arms encircled her back as she came down on top of me, mouth meeting mine, the kiss even stronger this time though I don't know how that was even possible. Her smaller breasts pressed into my slightly larger ones, and I felt a warmth better than any space heater could generate spreading through my body.

The rational part of my brain tried to break in for an instant, switching on long enough to say, "Stop it, Kara! This is Allison, your sister!" and in response I reached inside my own mind, grabbed the power cord to rationality, and ripped it from the wall, tearing the socket itself out with my intensity. Fuck you, I growled at my super-ego. Right now this is right and that's all that matters. Tomorrow might be a different story, but right now, this is happening and it is going to happen no matter what.

I ran my hands down her back, pushing my fingers gently into her shoulders, her muscles contracting, as she encircled one of my legs with her own. Her mouth broke away, and I briefly thought we had reached the end of the line, but it came down on my neck, and I felt her gently sucking, kissing, moving closer to my ear, then down again, and I arched my back so I could lean up and do the same to her shoulder. I moved my hands to the small of her back and pulled her against me, forcing her skin against mine as close as she could get.

It still wasn't enough.

My fingers made their way down her flat stomach, paused to briefly inspect her little 'innie' belly button, and continued below the waistline of her sweats, sliding it between her skin and the folds of her clothing.

I wanted more.

Share with me, I pleaded mentally.

She bent down and kissed my nose, nibbled on my lower lip, and I pushed until the elastic of her sweat pants gave way and moved an inch down her hips.

She scooted herself a little further up the bed, and I pushed them a little further down.

Again, she moved up a short way. Again, I got them down another inch, feeling the skin of her legs, toned and firm, against my fingers.

With another motion, she was now halfway above me, and I opened my eyes. Swaying over me, back-lit by the blue glow of the television we hadn't turned off, were her pert little breasts. I wondered to myself if her nipples had ever been that hard before, and that turned into wondering if I could get them even harder, so as I slid down to continue working her pants off her legs, I leaned up, wrapped my lips around her left nipple, and gave it a quick little kiss.

She inhaled sharply, opened her eyes and gazed down at me.

Too much? I asked with my eyes.

Not at all, she answered with hers as she closed them and shifted so it was closer to my mouth.

I sucked.

I felt her tense up, like something inside started a fight with her desire. She clenched her left hand into a fist and it dropped down on the blanket beside my head as her brain and her heart had it out over who was going to emerge victorious. She whimpered and punched the bed a second time, then dragged herself higher over me, pushing her pants down further, and began kicking one leg at a time, holding her sweats with one foot and dragging the other leg up, repeating this frantic motion back and forth, back and forth, until her pants were down around her ankles and then, with one final, desperate shove from each foot, they were off.

I wrapped my arms around her waist and held her in place, my mouth, lips, and tongue gently caressing, stroking, kissing her little nipple. I made a fist with my right hand and grabbed it tightly in my left so she couldn't move, and I sucked, moaning against her inviting skin, trying to explain just how fucking hot everything had gotten, enough though I could tell she felt the same.

I moved to her other breast because I didn't know how sensitive she was, how much she'd enjoy attention on just one, and she melted into me, making it hard to breathe as her breast covered my mouth and nose like a cushion of velvet. The powdery scent of her deodorant mixed with a lingering coconut hint of body wash from her shower a few hours earlier. It's funny: you can smell the same thing hundreds of times without noticing, but now there it was, adding one more layer to the complex picture of my sister I was repainting in my mind.

Allie... Good God, here I was, creating the most beautiful image anyone could ever create of you in my head, and the cruel irony was no one but me would ever see it. The Louvre could burn and not affect me the way losing this one picture would.

I no longer held her so tightly, secure in my belief she wasn't going anywhere, and resumed stroking her back, from shoulders to hips, which were now covered in nothing more than one of her favorite pairs of boy shorts: an orange and yellow crisscross pattern of cotton with white trim around the legs and waist.

She sighed and moaned, pushing herself against me, moving so I could feel every inch of her skin against my hands. I kissed my way to the center of her chest, licked her sternum, ran my tongue along the undercurves of each little breast in turn, tasting her salty sweat, and so help me getting even more turned on by the sensation.

Then I felt her hand moving to my waist. Unfastening the knot I had tied in my blue and white polar bear pajama pants because they were one size too big and tended to slide down if I didn't keep them cinched up. How far was this going? I wondered idly before deciding: As far as it goes.

She undid the knot and pulled the waistband, drawing the strings open.

Then her breasts were away from my mouth, and I panicked because I had started to get used to the sensation of her nipple between my lips.

The tug at my pants pulled me back to reality. I raised my hips up off the bed, and she dragged them off my waist, taking my panties along for the ride. Now it was my turn to shudder as a million thoughts rushed my head. Is this really a good idea? Are you sure this is as right as you think it is? What if she sees the hair between your legs and freaks out?

Taking a page from Allie's book, I made a fist and thumped the bedspread, punching reason in the face again and again until it slunk away cradling its bloody nose, and I pulled my legs out from my pants as fast as I could, because the faster I got undressed, the faster I knew we'd get back to...whatever this was, and whatever it was going to be, and all I knew right then was I didn't care what it turned out to be. I wanted it. I wanted her.

I needed her.

She looked at me after tossing my pants to the ground. She looked at me. Really looked at me. Into my eyes. Sharing something...everything... I know what she was telling me even though I can't possibly put it into words because at a certain point language just falls apart.

But if you've been there...if you've ever been where I was that night...then I urge you to think back to that moment. Close your eyes. Move as far back into your memory as you need to go, but find that place. Find that instant. Drape it over yourself like a comfortable robe. Simmer in the intensity of the feeling, marinate your spirit in the desire welling up out of you like a lava burst, and understand: it's not rational, but you remember how a single look, a simple touch, can communicate everything, and exhaust you intellectually like reading an encyclopedia from cover to cover.

That's where I was.

That's where we both were.

I don't know what you'd call it: fate, divine intervention, the fortunes, the Muses, it has many names and none that suffice. But something conspired to bring us to that point. Then move us beyond.

She looked at me, deeply, seeing beyond me, as more than just her sister. In that look, I saw comfort, I saw trust, I saw every complex emotion you feel when you fall in love at first sight. I saw why this happened.

I kept telling myself over and over again: this happened because it had to happen. It happened because the world has a sense of humor, sometimes sick, sometimes morbid, sometimes cruel, and sometimes more beautiful than a million angels singing "O Holy Night" in the heavenly choirs. And sometimes what the world condemns as wrong just...isn't.

When she leaned back down, put her lips against mine, I was quaking. The power of that revelation kicked on the faucets of adrenaline, and I couldn't shut them off. It scared me, enthralled me. We kissed again, and again, and again, each one stronger than the last, climbing a sort of sexual Richter scale that didn't end at 10...and maybe kept going as long and as high as numbers themselves.

I felt her struggling to get her boy shorts off, so I did the only thing that made sense: I rolled her over on to her back, crawled down to the foot of the bed, positioned myself between her legs, took her underwear in both hands, and pulled.

Her hips barely made it off the bed, and I climbed over her leg so I could drag them the rest of the way off without getting tangled up in them. Right ankle out, left ankle out, and there was Allison, my sister, the girl I was sharing my first kiss, my first real kiss and so much more with, laid visible on the bed before me, and nothing in between except wanton desire. Lovers' eyes see differently than normal eyes, and right then, Allie looked so amazingly, incredibly, beautifully different. The freckles on her shoulders, the small birthmark on the outside of her left leg, the way her nose tilted upward slightly at the tip, the roundness of her chin, her fingers: shorter than mine with their nails bitten down to almost nothing because that was how she dealt with stress...all her perfect imperfections I was noticing again for the first time.

I moved back on top of her the way she had done to me, and felt her hands on my breasts, her fingers exploring my skin for a change. I straddled her waist, raised her head so I could push the pillows under it, grabbed the headboard for support, lowered my chest to her lips, and closed my eyes.

Ecstasy exploded through me as her tongue found my right nipple. Then my left. She squeezed my breasts together with her hands, one on each side, and I inhaled deeply as I felt her tongue gently working its way across each one in turn, back and forth, back and forth, slowly and steadily, circling my nipples like a cat preparing to pounce.

Another wave of pleasure hit as she pulled them between her lips at the same time, sucking softly the way I had, and I cursed myself for not thinking of doing that to her first. After all, she deserved it just as much as I did, didn't she? I tilted my head back and moaned, and oh God did she deserve this.

I whispered her name, moaned, whispered it again: yes, like that, just like that, Allie, ohmigawd...

I squeezed the wood of the headboard, wondering if my nails would leave any tell-tale marks, and somewhere in the part of my brain that hadn't yet run away in fear of another beating, I remembered Dad talking about how it was solid oak, not some soft wood like pine that would warp.

She sucked harder, and I exhaled her name again, begging her not to stop.

She didn't. Her legs wrapped around mine, pinning them so I couldn't leave. As if I wanted to leave. As if any force of Heaven or Earth could have made me.

I don't know how long we were like that...me supporting myself above her while she did everything to me that I had done to her (and then some), but finally my arms began to tremble and I knew I couldn't hold that position any longer. "Wait...wait..." I whispered, and wrapped an arm around her head. "Gotta relax..."

I rolled back over on my side slowly, guiding her with me, holding her head to my breast as best I could, and rested my own on the pillows, eyes closed, as she continued to suck.

I ran a finger across my right breast, feeling the moisture her tongue left behind, and rubbed it into my skin. I wanted it to stay there forever, to remind me of tonight. My nipple stiffened, moist and exposed to the air. I didn't think the heat was on, but right now I didn't need it. We were warm enough together.

I remembered the part of the video that came towards the end. On the screen, their fingers had started exploring in the shower. I was so worked up I didn't want to wait, but as I looked down and watched the top of her head bobbing gently as she sucked, I realized there was no need to rush. She wanted this, needed this, just as much as I did. 'And maybe,' a little voice whispered in the back of my head, 'once it's over this will be the last time you ever feel like this again.'

I shivered. No. No! It wouldn't be, it couldn't be, the last time or the only time.

Could it...?

Seeking reassurance, I whispered her name. "Allie?"

When she didn't answer, I tried again. "Allie...hey...?"

She looked up at me, questioning, and I saw it. I saw in her eyes. Don't make me stop. Don't end it here.

I drew her head up to mine, caressed her cheek, and put my lips to hers. Don't worry, I said with my kiss, this never has to end. I felt her silently agree.

We stayed like that for I don't know how long, the minutes ticking down into the gaping maw of the past, lips together, mouths locked, bodies compressed, legs entwined, letting the moment simmer on a low heat so we didn't burn out.

By now, her tongue was so comfortable and known that it seemed impossible there could have been a time before this evening when I didn't know what it felt like to share a french kiss with her. The heart beating in the chest just centimeters from mine was familiar to me as our own house. No matter if it was pitch black, I could find my way back to it. The fingers stroking my spine felt like my own. She felt like me. And I hoped I felt the same to her.