The Way Back Ch. 07

"What's the matter? That was a big sigh."

"Nothing. I keep trying to understand Ann's behaviour and each time I fail. Everything is so contradictory."

"I don't see a problem. She was led to believe you had cold-bloodedly cheated on her, and preferred another woman, leaving her to bring up the children alone. Then that you sent a dreadful letter coldly telling her you did not love her. It made no reference to the children.

"She settles for second best with Derek, and then you re-emerge on the scene but she has not seen you, and doesn't know what has happened. She resents you trying to 'explain' something she already knows: that you're a cheating selfish bastard who destroyed her life so callously. So she refuses to meet you, being livid with anger. I think the anger is at your almost casual re-appearance after so long, not the original disappearance. Don't forget I heard her when you tried to talk to her.

"Now she realises that she was taken in. She sees the results of what happened and she's devastated. She sees the man she always loved with one, no with two other women. So she's lost you again."

"But why didn't she search for me?" I'm afraid I whined. "That's something I can't get over. Derek was there straightaway and she made no real effort, she left it to him! In any case, how can I believe she loves me, when she's taken Derek's side against mine over and over again. Her first reaction to Derek's arrest was to accuse me of orchestrating it as revenge. I think she feels guilty and probably pities me. But love? I don't think so." I was beginning to be upset.

"OK, OK!" she soothed. "Go over there and see the children. Observe Ann and see if that helps. Change of scene; stop you moping and obsessing over what you think might be her motives. You know that one day soon you'll have to face her and talk it all out?"

She was right. It was time for me to go over to the house to see something of the children before the weekend was over.

Jenny went back to her flat; she wanted to get herself ready for work the next day and make some preparations for our trip to Austria on the Tuesday.

I went to the house. Ann had a salad supper ready and we all ate together, and afterwards she banished me to the garden with the boys since it was a sunny evening.

We played football and Frisbee and Greta came out on a break from revision and joined us for the latter. There was much laughter and larking about, though when the lads wrestled me to the ground Greta was clucking at them to be careful, but she was ignored, and thankfully they missed my more vulnerable spots.

I glanced at the kitchen window and Ann washing up, gazing out at us in a heap on the grass. She saw me look and turned away. I decided it was time to call our games to a halt.

We entered the kitchen and the lads rushed off to play in their own rooms before it was time for bed, and Greta took one look at Ann and disappeared into the living room. I saw at once why: Ann was tearful. I wanted to ask her what the matter was, but something stopped me and I went to the kettle to make some tea. After a minute or two, from behind me, she spoke.

"It was nice to see you playing with the children. They need you so much, Allan. They missed you more than they'll ever say."

"Well I'm here for good now," I replied, busying myself with the teapot, my back to her, "I'll be around nearby until they leave home. I'll try to make it up to them."

There was a quiet sob and Ann left the room. What had I said now? What was going on? So many conflicting signals and behaviour. I could hear a muffled conversation going on between Ann and Greta. It seemed Greta was comforting her mother. The girl was carrying quite a burden, and I wasn't sure it was good for her, especially with exams starting on the Tuesday.

After half an hour or so, during which I made a pot of tea for two and drank my share, I heard movements and Ann's voice upstairs. Then the front door shut. She had gone without saying goodbye. What was the matter with the woman? Then Greta came into the kitchen.

She sat down opposite me. She had been crying.

"What's the matter, darling?" I asked.

"A shame you couldn't have asked Mum the same question, Dad," she actually snarled at me. "Couldn't you see how upset she was?"

"Upset?" I answered her. "Why should she be upset? She's going to be here in her own house, with you all. She knows I'll be ready to help her."

"Oh, Dad! Are you being deliberately thick?"

I was about to rebuke her, when she continued.

"Dad, she loves you. She wants you back. She was watching us playing in the garden, and it was like old times, except you aren't with her. You said you'd always be here for us, but you didn't include her. Dad, it's not her fault she was lied to."

"Did she say she loved me?"

"Well, no," she stuttered, "but it's obvious."

"Greta," I replied, as gently as I could, "I understand what you're saying, but there are a lot of issues between us which I'm not going into with you. I hardly know Mum any more. I remember a lot. I like her a lot."

"You love her?"

"I can't answer that in one word, and it's just too complicated. As far as possible I want her to be happy."

"You're jealous that she was sleeping with Derek!"

I sat still. My face must have registered my displeasure. Greta looked uncomfortable.

At length I put my thoughts together and spoke.

"Darling, you remember you misunderstood about my relationship with Trish and Jenny. You didn't know the facts and jumped to the wrong conclusion. You're doing it again."

"But--"

"Let me finish," I cut in. "Jealous is the wrong word. Her sleeping with Derek is part of it, but not how you think. It's a small part of the problem between us. I understand why she's unhappy, but, for reasons I will not discuss with you there's not a lot I can do.

"If it makes you feel any better, there will come a time when Mum and I will have to have it out together. But that's between your mother and me. There are a lot of issues we need to settle.

"Even if we settle those issues, there's Jenny to consider. I don't sleep with women without commitment. As long as she needs me in her life I'm hers.

"Mum and I are divorced. I'm sorry if that makes Mum unhappy, but I didn't divorce her, she divorced me. I'll do everything I can for Mum, but Jenny comes first. Do you understand that?"

She looked unhappy. Then she nodded. "Yes, Dad, I do see that. It's just so sad."

"Yes, it is. What we have to do in life is try to do the best we can even when circumstances are not the best. We have to be true to what we believe to be right. I treat faithfulness very seriously. I would have married Trish, you know."

She nodded.

"I didn't look for a relationship with Jenny," I continued. "Circumstances brought it on us, but I will be faithful to her from now until she ends our relationship. I can't and won't let her down."

She teared up and came round to me and hugged me, "Love you, Dad."

"Love you, Chicken. Try to ignore what's happening between Mum and me. Concentrate on your exams. Things will work out in time."

She left to do yet more revision. She had Monday at home to do even more.

Though Ann had said she would stay until Monday morning, she did not return, so once I'd got the lads ready for school and then into bed. I showered, said goodnight to Greta and retired to bed myself.

Strangely Ann and I were sharing a bed, though on consecutive nights. Perhaps her perfume on the pillow was the reason I could not get to sleep. The events of the evening went round and round in my head.

Greta tells me Ann's tears showed she loved me, but Ann had said nothing to me. Was that how our relationship had been? We got on well but didn't talk? We laughed and joked; we made noisy love, if I remembered correctly what Greta had said, but perhaps we never talked about important personal matters.

I found Ann very, very attractive. There was more to our present relationship than simply friendship, or our teamwork looking after the children. There was definitely something more, but I didn't know what it was.

My assertion to Ann that we were a team when dealing with the children, where did that come from? I didn't think anyone told me that. They told me we were a couple deeply in love. They told me that Ann would be in love with me again once she knew the truth. It certainly seemed they were right about that.

So if I weren't involved with Jenny, would I make a play for Ann? Could we start a brand new relationship from scratch? No. There was too much about our previous relationship I didn't know, and she did.

We were not on an equal footing. She would always have an advantage over me. She could bend the truth to suit herself and I would never know, unless I later remembered. Then what? Perhaps she would never do such a thing, but there was no way I could find out.

There was that recurring obstacle I'd rehearsed over and over without resolution; her preference for Derek, her belief in my guilt, and that she gave up the search almost before it began.

It was all academic in any case, I was now involved with Jenny, and I had meant what I said to Greta. I had, and have, strong values. I sometimes wonder where they came from; they seem to have been part of me even with memory loss after the 'incident'. Since then I have intellectualised them, but they were there, part of me, already.

One of these values is faithfulness, keeping faith with others. What's more Jenny and I were intimate in many ways not only sexually, and we worked and lived together very intimately and comfortably.

Then the mental round would start again. Eventually I must have fallen asleep because next morning I woke up feeling like death.

The day was crammed, and when I got home Ann phoned and rather coldly, not to say abruptly, told me she would not be coming over for the evening meal but would be there for the children after school on Tuesday as agreed. She would stay until Thursday morning but would not be there for the evening meal. She would move in permanently on Friday evening.

After she rang off I stared at the phone. What was wrong now? I resisted the urge to call her back and set to making the evening meal.

Later I remembered Viv's invitation for Thursday, and phoned. She was agreeable to putting it off until the Friday.

Next morning I dispatched the lads, wished Greta good luck with a kiss and a hug, picked up Jenny and we were off to Austria.

------

THIRTY-THREE

The trip went well. The University was in no hurry for our results or the prototype, and we had a firm order for when we'd completed the research and development of the processor. We completed all the discussions on the Wednesday and were able to get an early flight back on the Thursday, after, of course, some intense sexual activity on Wednesday night.

Jenny phoned Geoff and told him of our early arrival, and after extracting my car from the car park we drove to the office. We were almost there when Jenny asked to stop at a newsagent's for a paper. She got back in the car with a grin on her face and we drove on.

As we rounded the corner leading into the business park I was in for a shock. Lined up on both sides of the road and applauding and cheering was the entire workforce of our little company. As we pulled up opposite the office entrance and emerged from the car, we saw Geoff grinning from ear to ear in the doorway and alongside him was Judy. Then a very pretty and very young secretary came forward with a large bouquet of flowers.

"Welcome home to your company Len Jones, or should we say Allan?" She laughed as she presented me with the flowers and kissed me on both cheeks as a camera flashed. I was speechless.

The local press were there, and so were David and Vivienne who had tears streaming down her face. The workforce gathered round and there were cries of "Speech!"

As I just said, I was speechless but not for long. I thanked them all for their welcome and apologised for the subterfuge involving Len Jones but I assumed by now they all knew why.

I added that our workforce was a real team and it really did feel like coming home to them. I finished by telling them if they didn't know already, that we were in the process of expanding plant, and hoped we would be able to increase the bonuses as a result. Loud applause followed and they began to file into the building again. There were smiles all round.

The reporter asked questions about the firm and about our success. Then she moved on to my attack and how long it took to rehabilitate, all questions relatively easy to answer. The final questions were about the arrests; was I pleased about the arrests, and was it true that my ex-wife was living with one of the defendants. I was non-committal about both topics.

We repaired to Geoff''s office for drinks, I was on orange juice because I was driving, but everyone else managed to handle the champagne with panache!

"Didn't see the point of carrying on with the cloak and dagger stuff," said Geoff. "Everyone knew about you anyway! It was the office staff who suggested we welcome you."

I felt gratified.

I noticed Vivienne and Jenny in earnest conversation with occasional glances in my direction, but I was deep in conversation with Geoff over the Austria trip and his efforts to secure the factory next door which had come empty. Vivienne then came over and confirmed that I was coming for dinner the next day, and then I had to get home in time for the children. Once in the house I saw that Ann had brought a pile of her personal stuff but had not yet put things away.

I told the children over dinner that Ann was coming for good the next day, only to be told in my turn that they already knew. I also told them I was visiting David and Vivienne the next evening but hoped to see them on Saturday. Greta said that Ann wanted to talk to me, and I nodded.

Friday was intense. Single parents deserve all the help they can get, I was already frazzled after getting my recalcitrant family off to school, though to her credit Greta helped me in spite of stomach pains as she began her period. I gave her a key and told her to come home if the painkillers were not enough.

Then there was the assessment of our trip and the following planning of the research and development. Then there was the work on the purchase of the lease on the adjoining factory. I was to invest a hefty chunk of my wealth in this and in kitting out the place once we had it.

The hitch was the bank. They suddenly decided that they didn't have enough proof I was who I was, and it took some strong words and the threat of legal action to get agreement to release the funds when we should need them. All stress. All pressure.

In the middle of it all Greta rang to say she needed picking up from college; she was feeling very rough. She had struggled through her exam. I got her home on the way to meet David to pressurise the bank. Then I had to phone Ann to tell her the news. She was abrupt and disconnected before I'd finished talking. Sod her! I thought. Now what had I done?

In all this Jenny was an immense support, constantly reminding me of my next steps, stress affected my short-term memory, and she had to work hard. The day ended late and it was only as we sat back on the sofa in our office that I remembered to ask if Viv. had invited her to the meal.

"She did ask me if I would like to come," she said without a trace of annoyance, "but it was obvious that she didn't want me so I told her I was going to be busy doing my washing and getting things straight for the weekend."

"Oh dear," I sighed. "Another grilling on how wonderful Ann is and how I ought to be with her again. I'm starting to dread these evenings."

"Come on darling," she smiled. "One of her best features is her loyalty, to you and to Ann. You can't blame her for trying."

"Oh I don't blame her," I said without conviction. "I just wish she'd give me a break."

"No chance of that!" she laughed. "It's the price you'll have to pay for her wonderful cooking. Time to go."

It was true: her cooking was Michelin standard.

We collected our briefcases and laptops and made for the door. We both had our hands full and it was Jenny who put her case down and opened the door. Then she did something totally out of character. She grabbed me and pulled down my head for a kiss. It was a long and passionate one and I gave as good as I got.

When we came up for air I stared at her.

"What's that for?" I asked. "We're at work."

"Rules are made to be broken," she said blithely. "I just felt thankful for you, and there's no one to see, I checked before!" and she smiled wickedly.

I shrugged. "No complaint here."

We left for home, she to hers and I to mine.

The evening with David and Viv was very pleasant and the subject of Ann was conspicuous by its absence. However, it loomed. I chatted lightly with them, waiting all the while for the other shoe to drop. I was on my second large malt whisky having arrived by taxi, and was feeling very mellow when the thud came. From Viv, who else?

"Don't you think Jenny's a little young for you, Allan?"

I was struck speechless for a while. The effrontery of the remark floored me.

"Viv," I replied eventually with more patience than I thought I was capable of. "Age has nothing to do with it. She wants me as her lover and I'm happy to oblige."

"So she's just a temporary fling then?"

"Viv," snapped David. "It's nothing to do with you and you're insulting Allan, and Jenny come to that."

"No I'm not!" she reposted. "I'm trying to make him see that his future lies elsewhere."

There was another silence during which David looked progressively more uncomfortable and Viv progressively more expectant. I felt a frisson of annoyance.

"Listen Viv, what happens between Jenny and me is our affair and no one else's. You and David are good friends, and that is why I am dignifying your comments with an answer, but I warn you, you're pushing it."

"Allan," she flustered, "I didn't mean--"

"I know you didn't. You're trying to make everything right as you see it. I don't see it your way. You're trying to steer me to Ann. I've told you the problems I have with her. If it helps, I think we're going to talk tomorrow night."

"But surely, what you've done for her, giving her the house back, shows you still love her!"

I shook my head, "No, Viv, it doesn't."

She opened her mouth in surprise but I was too quick for her.

"I told you before, I don't 'still' love her because I have no memory of loving her before."

Now that was a fib; I did now remember parts of our life together.

I continued. "I accept what you all say, that I did once, but the fact remains that though I have memories of her and me before, I don't have the feeling that we've always been in love.

"I offered her the house for the children's sake. They hated living with Derek and I'm sure you're aware she's decided to leave him and she needs somewhere to live with the children. It was the obvious solution to the problem. I'm living at the flat from this weekend."

"Oh," she sounded flat. "I thought--"

"It really would be better if you didn't, and as far as Jenny is concerned there's a lot you don't know about her. She needs me at the moment. Who knows? She might find someone else. Then you can start matchmaking again."

David and I both laughed, and Viv looked embarrassed.

"By the way," I added, hoping for her further discomfiture, "were you warning off Jenny from coming with me tonight?"

"Of course not! I simply wanted to know if she was coming so as to know who to expect."

"Oh yes, dear," laughed David. "You were telling her you wanted a word with Allan!"

"Well I might have," she reddened.

"Don't worry," I soothed her. "I know you're intentions are purely for my welfare."