The Worst Chain Story Ever Ch. 01

BAD pirates (Boo!) were ALWAYS sunk with all hands because they were bad. They could not be allowed to survive.

GOOD pirates (Hurrah! Wave Jolly Roger) either retired to run Ale Houses where jolly pirate songs were sung, or to become apparently sinister but actually benign characters in children's stories, OR became Lieutenant-Governor of Jamaica - as actually happened to Sir Henry Morgan (ex-(GOOD)-pirate)(Hurrah! Wave Jolly Roger AND Union Jack) until he was sacked for taking more commission than was usual even for Lieutenant-Governors.

The difference between GOOD pirates, BAD pirates and peaceful British trading ships was always difficult for foreigners to understand. All the ships carried heavy guns which they would use to rob and pillage the native population. GOOD pirates called it war, BAD pirates called it loot, and British traders called it profits from fair trade which was free to all as long as you were British and had a ship with large enough guns. Between them they made The British Empire great. (Wave Jolly Roger, Union Jack and flags of Joint Stock Companies) (who were more unprincipled than almost any one else including BAD pirates but BAD pirates didn't have titled Directors who went piously to Church nor did they bribe (did I say bribe, silly me, I meant support with financial assistance for timely advice) Ministers of the Crown to preserve the Joint Stock Companies' monopoly to rob and pillage nations that didn't have big enough guns.).

Did you follow that, Magdalena?"

"Yes, John. You explain it so well. Now can you tell me how Owen's Bazaar got its name since you mentioned the upright and honest Joint Stock Companies that made the British Empire so great, please?"

"Yes, of course, Magdalena. Here it is.

HOW OWEN'S BAZAAR GOT ITS NAME

The town is called "Owen's Bazaar" because in the early days of the East India Company there was a rich man working for the company named Owen Owen. He was new to India and had been sent to the town as the company's representative for the whole district.

Owen Owen was married but had left his wife and family in Wales. He had decided to try a new life. His wife had a passion for the formal structure of Welsh poetry and had a tame Bard. Owen Owen's appreciation of poetry ended with drinking songs. Now his daughters were married he travelled to India. He didn't want to be underemployed so he took a position in the East India Company who were pleased to accept a proven businessman. In India he was very distinctive. The population were not accustomed to Welshmen particularly red-haired ones.

Shortly after taking up his post Owen Owen wanted to buy some Indian material to send back to his married daughters. He went to the market (called a bazaar in the East), which was the main reason for the local town's existence, to buy typically Indian cloth. He thought that some saris (or sarees - usage depends on which part of India) could be made into dresses for his daughters. (This was early nineteenth century when women wore filmy Empire line dresses. One sari would make two or three dresses.) Owen Owen took an interpreter who wasn't very good because he had come with Owen Owen from the coast. The interpreter understood the coastal dialect well, but the bazaar dialect was different. The interpreter also didn't wholly understand Owen Owen's sing song pronunciation of English.

Owen Owen wanted to buy saris. The shopkeeper showed saris but Owen Owen wanted them demonstrated - he wanted to write to his daughters how the sari was worn. Not that his daughters would be likely to wear a sari except as fancy dress but he thought his daughters would want to know. He was a thoughtful father, was Owen Owen. This taxed the interpreter's skills beyond its limits. He and the shopkeeper THOUGHT that they understood what Owen Owen wanted.

Eventually four young sari-clad ladies arrived in the shop, escorted by an older lady. They showed several times how the sari should be worn, and while preserving their modesty what should be worn underneath the sari and how. Then Owen Owen got down to the serious business of negotiation. If he was going to send his daughters (he had four) a present, he wanted it to be a good one. It had to be worth sending all the way from India. A trunk full of saris and accessories, including jewellery, for each daughter would be about right.

The bargaining was complex. The interpreter was frantic. He was having to bargain with three traders at once and because of the scale of Owen Owen's purchases, two of the three traders were also selling not only their own stock but those of their relatives as well. Owen Owen became impatient with all the shouting, screaming, arguing that is the normal part of bargaining in India. He left the interpreter to finish the deal saying "YOU sort it out. I want everything arranged but at a fair price. I don't want to pay too much but I want it all." Owen Owen went off to get a reviving drink.

An hour later the interpreter reported to Owen Owen.

"Sahib, as you ordered, I have bought everything. The total price is two lahks. When and where should they be delivered?"

Owen Owen thought the price reasonable. That sort of money might have bought him a few barrels of wine in Wales, but he did not yet know the price of anything in India.

"To my bungalow, of course. Here is two lahks and half a lahk for your services."

Owen Owen returned to his bungalow at the end of the day having actually done some work for the East India company. He was a hard working man, was Owen Owen. He was greeted by his native butler who was agitated.

"Sahib. Your purchases have arrived. Where shall I put them? I don't know how to proceed."

"Why not?"

"There are four of them. I cannot put two of them in the same room. They might quarrel."

"Quarrel? Why should my purchases quarrel?" Owen Owen thought this was a great joke.

"Because they are such highly talented young ladies."

"WHAT!" shouted Owen Owen. The reply as it unfolded made him sink into a chair on the verandah.

"Sahib, they are four educated and talented young ladies. You have bought the very best available in the whole district. They are rivals, of course. I am sure that you will be able to manage them but they do have standards to maintain. Each needs her own room to entertain you. They should have attendants as well. They will need some accommodation too. And perhaps the domestic staff will need to be augmented now that you are not a single gentleman."

Owen Owen gulped at "not a single gentleman".

"What do you mean "I am not a single gentleman"?"

"As far as I can understand, Sahib, you instructed the interpreter to arrange everything."

"Yes?" Owen Owen was just beginning to realise the enormity of what he had done.

"The interpreter did what you asked. He arranged everything. He contacted a local priest and acted as your proxy. Since this morning you have four of the most attractive wives that I have ever seen. Their mother ..."

"They are SISTERS?"

"Yes, Sahib. You have married four sisters. Their mother was very satisfied with the bride price for them. They are beautiful and talented as I have said but they had no dowries. No local man could afford to marry a woman with no dowry. You have married four and so the whole community thinks that you are a great public benefactor. The four sisters were a temptation to all unmarried men. Their beauty and talent distracted men from the available women who had dowries. I expect that there will be many marriages in the next few weeks because of your honour's generosity."

****

Owen Owen's "purchase" was a great joke with his fellows in the East India Company. At that time very few English women (or Welsh women) travelled to India. Marriage with Indian women was fairly usual and acceptable. Marrying four sisters at once (and unintentionally) was unusual, particularly since Owen Owen already had an adult family. "Owen's Bazaar" was the name given by the company because the town was Owen Owen's base and as a tacit reminder of his error.

Owen Owen's error was the best thing he had ever done. He taught the four sisters English. They taught him about India and other things as well. His purchases of clothing and jewellery became each bride's trousseau. The sisters advised him on the later purchases for his daughters and did the bargaining themselves. The four sisters did NOT argue. They managed Owen Owen, his household and his business so effectively that he became a much richer man than he had been, and respected by the whole community. His bungalow was extended very quickly to become a mansion because once each wife had her own room Owen Owen only had his study left. If he wanted to "sleep" or actually sleep he had to visit a wife because at first he didn't have a bed or bedroom to call his own.

It was as well that Owen Owen was fit and active. His four wives demanded attention by day and night. He agreed a compromise with them. He would visit his oldest wife on Monday nights, the next on Tuesday, the third on Wednesday, the youngest on Thursday. On Friday nights all four would visit him. He would try to satisfy them all. He had two hands and one mouth to spare when he was otherwise occupied. On Saturday and Sunday nights he slept "alone". He ignored any male nocturnal visitors to his wives' bedrooms. His wives ignored any female visitors to Owen Owen on Saturday and Sunday nights.

Shortly after his inadvertent marriages, Owen Owen, received a letter from Wales telling him that his wife had died six months ago, leaving her personal property to her bard. He was sad that he had lost his wife, but also pleased to realise that he had been a widower when he married. It could have been worse. Even with four wives he had only one mother-in-law. She thought that he was a wonderful man because she was now rich by her standards and important as the mother-in-law of the company's agent.

Owen Owen never told his daughters that they had four step-mothers. Why should he? His daughters would never come to India and he would never return to Wales.

His daughters found out because the story of "Owen's Bazaar" was too good to keep quiet about. The Welsh daughters privately thought it a great joke that their aged father had four wives. They did not mind. When Owen Owen instructed his lawyers to sell all his property in Wales and distribute the proceeds between his daughters he made them very happy. By Welsh Law (but not possible in England where the money would have gone to the husbands) the daughters were wealthy ladies with control of their own money. That they appreciated.

Owen Owen fathered several dozen legitimate and illegitimate red haired children who became his aides in the company's service. Until the end of British rule in India, Owen's Bazaar was run by descendants of Owen Owen and his four Indian wives. It still is, even though it has reverted to its Indian name. Owen Owen's descendants have intermarried so far into the community that it seems that the majority of the population is descended from him. Perhaps they are. There are many red-haired Indians in the town. Each local mayor has been one of his red-haired descendants for the last hundred and fifty years. Without the support of Owen Owen's descendants' votes no other candidate has a hope of winning an election.

The women of Owen's Bazaar are more involved in local matters than their sisters in other towns. It is not a matriarchy but women have an equal voice. Some say that a red-haired woman from Owen's Bazaar is much more than a match for any one man, now matter how well educated and fit he might be. Whether that it is true or not, such women are sought after. Their husbands prosper and seem happy with their wives. Perhaps the husbands are afraid to suggest that they are not?

So that is how Owen's Bazaar got its name. On current maps the Indian name is shown but it is still followed by "Owen's Bazaar" in brackets.

Did you like that, Magdalena?"

"Yes, thank you, John. I have finished what I was doing so I'm coming out of the special walk-in wardrobe."

"What were you doing that took so long?"

"I was preparing an emollient embrocation ointment with topical anaesthetic properties to anoint your wronged dong so that it can become long and strong. Once I have anointed your wronged dong with my emollient embrocation ointment with topical anaesthetic properties you won't feel the wrong in your dong, John. And if you drink this alcoholic concoction you will feel strong to do things with your unfeeling dong. So don't think, drink."

Magdalena handed him a steaming beaker of frothy liquid. John drank it down in one continuous swallow.

Magdalena took her emollient embrocation ointment with topical anaesthetic properties and anointed John's wronged dong.

"Now we must wait a little while for the alcoholic concoction and the emollient embrocation ointment with topical anaesthetic properties to take effect. As you can see I have dressed myself in furs for the next attempt to make your dong strong."

John looked. Magdalena was wearing a fur bikini and a long voluminous fur cape. Tucked into her fur bikini bottom was a pair of fur mittens.

(Note to the reader: You must assume that the fur is fake fur man-made without harming any wildlife but indistinguishable from real fur of the animals described and that this story subscribes to the principles of the Earth Summits and all that ecological greenness. The only people, animals or sentient beings likely to be harmed by this story are the readers. You have been warned.)

"Are those the fur mittens that are a copy of the fur mittens that Hiawatha gave to Minnehaha?" asked John.

"Yes, John. They are the fur mittens that are a copy of the fur mittens that Hiawatha gave to Minnehaha in the stories:

From the forests and the prairies, From the great lakes of the Northland, From the land of the Ojibways, From the land of the Dacotahs, From the mountains, moors and fenlands Where the heron, the Shuh-shuh-gah, Feeds among the reeds and rushes.

As you know, John, they were written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow who didn't write about the fur mittens of Minnehaha given by Hiawatha made from beaver trapped from the lodges beside the great shining waters and made only from the rare and elusive split beaver the sight of which raises man's spirit to commune with whatever a raised man's spirit communes with.

These mittens are reversible, as were Minnehaha's, had Hiawatha given her beaver mittens, which he didn't but if he had:

She could wear them with the fur side inside, She could wear them with the skin side outside: She could wear them with the skin side inside, She could wear them with the fur side outside: She could turn them from the inside to the outside; She could turn them from the outside to the inside. She could wear them with the warm side inside, She could wear them with the warm side outside: She could wear them with the cold side inside, She could wear them with the cold side outside,

But she didn't because Henry Wadsworth Longfellow didn't write about the fur mittens that Hiawatha gave to Minnehaha but some other poet, who was not very kind to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow but whose name I can't remember, did.

Yes, John. These are the fur mittens that are a copy of the mittens that Hiawatha might have given to Minnehaha but he didn't because somebody else wrote about Minnehaha's mittens."

"And what are you going to do with the fur mittens that are a copy of the mittens that Hiawatha might have given to Minnehaha but he didn't because somebody else wrote about Minnehaha's mittens, Magdalena?"

"I am going to put on these fur mittens that are a copy of the mittens that Hiawatha might have given to Minnehaha but he didn't because somebody else wrote about Minnehaha's mittens and stroke your wronged dong with them, John."

"And what will the fur mittens that are a copy of the mittens that Hiawatha might have given to Minnehaha but he didn't because somebody else wrote about Minnehaha's mittens do to my wronged dong?"

"When I stroke your wronged dong with the fur mittens that are a copy of the mittens that Hiawatha might have given to Minnehaha but he didn't because somebody else wrote about Minnehaha's mittens they will make your wronged dong long and strong, John."

So she took the fur mittens that are a copy of the mittens that Hiawatha might have given to Minnehaha but he didn't because somebody else wrote about Minnehaha's mittens and stroked John's wronged dong and made it long and strong.

Then she wrapped herself and John in the fur cape with the fur side inside, not the fur side outside, took off her fur bikini bottom with the fur side outside, not the fur side inside, and mounted John's strong long dong until he came long and strong into Magdelena while they were both inside the fur cape with the fur side inside, not the fur side outside.

After John's dong had come long and strong into Magdalena while they were both inside the fur cape with the fur side inside, not the fur side outside, he rolled over and went to sleep.

Magdelena rolled John and his long strong dong inside the fur cape with the fur side inside, not the fur side outside, off the bed, through the doorway and into the spare bedroom which she left locking the door behind her knowing that John the Dong would sleep long and strong as a result of the alcoholic concoction that she had made in the special walk-in wardrobe while John the Dong told her pointless stories.

It was now Friday evening and Magdalena could become a free spirit ready to explore the limits of her sexuality in the next chapter while John the Dong sleeps long and strong.

End (at last) of Chapter One.