TNQF Slightly Secret Six & A Half

"The dead bloke," Bert repeated.

"What dead bloke Bert?"

"The one in the woods Rog."

"What dead bloke in the woods Bert?" Marvin asked.

"The one I got the map off of."

"Ugh! A dead bloke in the woods, how did he give you the map if he was dead Bert?" Millie asked, Millie wasn't the brightest star in the universe, and this all baffled her even more than it worried her.

"It was in his pocket," Bertram said proudly.

"You found a dead bloke in the woods and he gave you a map out of his pocket?" Millie stammered.

"No he didn't give it to me Millie ... I took it, and this," Bert said even more proudly as he produced a large vicious looking knife from his jacket pocket.

"Wow! A Bowie knife, hey that's a beauty Bert," Marvin muttered.

"Ha! So you took the map and the knife out of this dead guys pocket then ... how do you know he was dead anyway ... he may have been sleeping," Roger interjected knowing it was a stupid sort of statement but he was becoming annoyed that others seemed to be having more of a say in things than him.

"No I took the map out of his pocket, the knife was sticking out of his back," Bert replied with a smug grin, "That's how I know he was dead".

"Oh shit ... oh fuck, Bertram, you mean to tell us you found a body in the woods and instead of reporting it to the police you decided to rifle his pockets and remove a valuable piece of evidence from the scene," Marvin snapped.

"Well if you put it like that, yes I suppose so, I suppose I did."

"My God you fucking prick Bert, don't you realise you've implicated yourself, and us for that matter in a murder," Marvin blurted out, Marvin always panicked first.

"Yea Bertram, DNA evidence, you've tampered with a body and left your DNA all over him," Roger chipped in.

"It might not have been murder," Millie pleaded, she too began to worry a little now that she'd had time to digest the fact that Bert may be telling the truth after all.

Silence descended again as all three boys looked at Millie in disbelief, then looked at each other with an air of total bafflement.

"Millie he had a knife sticking in his back what else could it be," Marvin said very calmly and quietly.

"Might have been suicide or an accident," Millie pleaded, beginning to wish she'd kept her mouth shut.

"Suicide, fucking accident ... you stupid dippy fucking tart, how many suicides stick a fucking knife in their own fucking back ... how the fuck do you accidentally get a fucking knife stuck in your fucking back," Roger raged, Millie began to cry, she hated it when Roger seemed annoyed with her ... and he seemed annoyed.

"All right ... Ok, let's all calm down ... I'm sorry Millie; sorry I fucking shouted, sorry! Right!! Ok let's think about this then," Roger was at risk of losing control; Roger never lost control ... Roger was calm, collected, sensible, and mature.

"Ok Bertram, the whole story, how when where did you find this dead bloke, we need to make plans, we need to cover our arse," He continued.

"Well, in the woods like, I went looking for an adventure for us and lo and behold I found one, like this dead bloke with a knife in his back, in the woods like ... dead you know" Bert mumbled, he too was wishing he'd not started this.

"Hmm!! Ok, so why did you go through his pockets Bert," Marvin asked.

"Well we needed an adventure and I thought well, he's been done in so maybe he has something of interest on him ... you know like a map, and well he did didn't he"

Umm!! So maybe someone arranged this just to wind us up like ... maybe the map's a plant, a fake like ... just to wind us up like," Marvin mumbled and immediately wondered why he'd said such a stupid thing, half expecting a quiet word from Roger he cringed.

Silence descended yet again as everyone looked at Marvin in disbelief, Roger held his temper, Millie had only just stopped crying, he didn't want to start Marvin up.

"Marvin!"

"Yes Roger."

"If you can't provide sensible input to this conversation, shut the fuck up."

"Sorry Rog."

"Right then," Roger always said 'right then' when he was stuck for words, "Ok then, Bert, take us to this body, we must make sure the guy is dead and not lying injured ... also cover our tracks if we can," He continued.

"Ugh! No way roger." Bert replied.

"Why the freek not Bert."

"It was spooky Rog, well spooky I can tell you."

"It was fucking spooky ... not too spooky for you to rifle the poor bastards pockets and wrench a knife out of a gaping wound in his back earlier on," Marvin interjected.

"Oh!! Marvin don't say it like that," Millie pleaded feeling quite queasy about the whole thing by this time.

"Sorry Millie darling, but I ask you, ... what a tit Bertram is."

"Nobody saw me Roger no need to cover tracks mate ... I was careful like, you know made sure I didn't leave finger prints and all that," Bert mumbled, he didn't relish the idea of revisiting the scene of the crime.

"Don't mate me you slimy piece of lard ... don't you forget who's boss around here ... show respect Bertram or do you want me to have a quiet word with you about it," Roger growled, he hated the minions to be overly familiar.

"I'm not worried about bloody fingerprints, you have the only things that would take fingerprints, the paper and the knife ... it's DNA these days my lad that catches you out," He continued.

"But Roger you don't understand I was so careful not to leave any DNA." Bert insisted.

"Bert you're a walking fucking DNA spreader you tit ... with your bloody pustule infested face dripping yellow fluid everywhere ... your spunk stained jeans dropping wads of dried man fat all over the place ... your greasy nit infested hair falling out by the handful where you never care for it ... Jesus give me strength what have I done to deserve all this," Roger mumbled as if resigned to a life in prison as accessory to murder, or at least conspiracy to conceal evidence.

"Oh that's what the stains are then, spunk ... I thought it was just pre-cum ... God Bert you are gross, do you really do that ... go all the way in your pants, ugh!! Millie commented.

"Millie! How do you know about that ... you know like pre-cum and all," Marvin blurted out in surprise.

"Hey wouldn't you like to know big boy," Millie quipped with a wicked grin and a wiggle of her pert young arse, she loved winding the boys up.

"Whoa!! Yes please, come on Mill's how do you know about sex things like that?" Bert whispered with an aroused tone.

"Yea come on Mill's tell us ... come on, you a goer then, come on?" Marvin urged his voice also gruff with arousal.

"Umm, excuse me ... when you've finished your little private sex chat, would you mind awfully if we got on and sorted out this mess Bert's got us into," Roger barked, exasperated by the other chums lack of enthusiasm for the job in hand ... "And get your fucking hand out of your pocket Bertram ... and you Marvin!" He continued after a pause to compose himself; a level head was needed here.

"I haven't got us into a mess, I got us an adventure."

"Oh Ok Bert, yes you got us an adventure, now shall we get on with it," Roger conceded, "Get the map off the table Marvin," He continued.

"Umm I can't Rog."

"Why not."

"Umm it's stuck down ... like on the plastic table top, you know with Bert's like cum stuff all over it ... the lemonade got it wet I suppose," Marvin mumbled as he attempted to prise the piece of stiff paper from the table top.

"It's like bloody super glue ... you should patent this Bert," Marvin muttered after about 5 minutes of fiddling about.

"God Bert do you have to be so gross all the time ... why can't you do your sexual activities in private somewhere with your dick out of your trousers like the rest of us," Roger urged as he and Marvin together tried to peel the now rock hard paper from the table.

"We'll have to take the table top with us," Marvin urged after a while, and immediately wondered why he'd said such a stupid bloody thing.

"Oh yes, why didn't I think of that Marvin, bloody brilliant idea ... I can walk round with a fucking four foot diameter fucking patio table top under my arm can't I ... Oh let's see then where are we, let's spread the four foot diameter table top out in this three foot diameter café table top and we'll have a look ... Oh I can picture it as we make our way to our adventure ... excuse me Mr bus driver, do you mind awfully if we bring our four foot diameter fucking table top on your bus ... only our treasure map's stuck to it with our greasy plug infested cousin's by-product of his sexual desires for his own right hand ... If you can't provide sensible input Marvin, shut the fuck up," Roger mumbled and muttered almost without pausing for breath, and in a very sarcastic tone may I add.

"I know how to get it off," Millie commented.

"Right then, Ok, what to do, how to get this map off the table," Roger mumbled making another attempt to prise the paper from the plastic surface.

"Um! Excuse me, I know how to get it off, what to use like ... to get joy juice off of things," Millie urged.

The boys looked at young Millie, none said a word, their brains working hard milling over her comment, Roger was tempted to ask 'the' question, but thought better of it so he asked 'how' instead.

"Lemon juice, that softens it up then you can clean it off ... umm I mean peel it off," Millie informed them in a sweet innocent tone.

"Millie how the hell do you ...... Oh never mind, Ok get some lemon juice then and we'll try it," Roger said.

Within minutes the map was soaked in lemon juice and carefully peeled from the table top, all were grateful to Millie for her wise and helpful input, all were also very curious about young Millie's sudden knowledge of such adult things.

Millie appeared to have matured considerably in attitude and stature since she turned 18 and her elevation to upper 6th form, her skirts had also got a lot shorter and her chest seemed a lot bigger.

Roger broke the silence after a while, "Ok then crew, to the woods, to the adventure!!" He urged.

The little crew sorted themselves out with a few essentials for the first part of their new adventure; Millie rushed to the kitchen and prepared sandwiches and a picnic lunch with ripe tomatoes and lashings of Ginger Beer.

Marvin and Bert studied the map some more to see if they could decipher the symbols and writings, even Roger was keen and excited as he got the shovel and axe from the shed and a can of petrol in order to conceal the body or destroy any evidence should the need arise.

Off they set toward the woods all in high spirits, any feeling of horror regarding the grim circumstances of their journey forgotten for the time being, banished by excitement and tingling nerves for their new adventure.

Marvin and Bert were trolling along happily chatting about previous adventures and the likely outcome of this one. Roger lagged behind a little easing himself clandestinely closer to Millie who was half skipping along bringing up the rear with her picnic basket swinging from her hand.

Roger studied his young sister, he smiled to cover his true thoughts; Millie returned the smile with a very sweet little giggle as he neared her, Millie was happy.

Roger was becoming more and more curious about Millie's apparent sexual knowledge and experience, he was also feeling the beginnings of a boner rising as he admired Millie's pert breasts bouncing in her sweater and the way her shorter skirt exposed her perfectly formed upper legs as she skipped along. Roger it seemed had joined Marvin in his unnatural desires for their sister.

"Umm do you want me to carry the picnic basket Millie darling, if it's heavy," Roger asked quietly as he sidled up to his young sister as they walked along the woodland track, putting the ulterior motive in his mind for getting Millie to one side into effect.

"Its Ok Rog darling, you've got all that kit to carry," She replied welling up with pleasure at her big brother's offer and sudden affectionate attention.

"Umm, Millie love?"

"Yes Roger darling."

"Umm, how do you know about pre-cum and cleaning like you know men's stuff off things and that?"

"Oh Roger, you devil, that's a very naughty and very leading question isn't it."

"Well ... Come on Mill's you can tell me, I won't spill the beans to the others, are you a little goer ... I reckon you are, got a boyfriend at school have you, hey ... do you do it with him?"

"Roger!! That's rude, oh you are awful."

"Come on Mill's, you can tell me, anyway as leader I should know these things."

"Roger have you got an itch or something."

"Why love?"

"Just the way you're moving your hand about in your pocket."

"Am I Mill's?"

"Yes you are Roger ... you're being rude aren't you."

"What do you think I'm doing then Mill's?"

"Hmm, that billiards thing Bert does Roger ... you really are naughty."

"Why do you think I'm doing it then Millie?"

"Cos you're feeling randy."

"Are you feeling randy Mill's?"

"Hmm ... I might be."

"I reckon you are Mill's, I reckon you're a right randy little hot bitch."

Millie giggled and went a bit red faced but said nothing in reply.

"Wanna talk dirty Mill's ... you know say really rude words and stuff."

"Oh Roger! ... I might do ... I don't know ... do you want me to then Roger ... say really rude things? I will if you want me to"

"Ok Here we are just round this corner," Bert's voice echoed through the trees and shocked Roger and Millie out of their private conversation.

'Oh shit, I nearly had her going there as well,' Roger thought as he sped his pace to catch Bert and Marvin up.

"Ok Bert where is he, where's the stiff," Marvin asked.

"In my fucking pants," Roger mumbled under his breath.

"Ugh! Don't say it like that Marvin ... ugh stiff," Millie cringed.

"Umm, well I'm not sure where he is but this is the place, here under this tree, he was here ... look an indentation in the grass," Bert mumbled, he was confused, the body was gone.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck ... bloody fuck ... bloody fuck, the police have been here and taken it away, the body like, all Bert's puss and spunk all over it and all, we're in shit street," Marvin was panicking again.

"Don't be bloody silly Marvin, the police don't just turn up and drag a body off like that, there'd be a cordon of tape round the woods ... you know ... saying police cordon and that. There'd be forensic guys crawling all over us, no not the police," Roger replied, Roger knew these things; he'd seen it on telly. "Are you sure this is the place Bert?"

"Yes look, the indentation in the grass, look just here look, under the tree, look," Bert shouted pointing to a patch of flattened grass.

"Might not have been a body, might have been a young couple," Millie chipped in.

"What! No it was just one bloke, like dead ... here like under this tree," Bert stammered.

"The flattened grass, might have been a courting couple having a shag," Millie said in a very matter of fact sort of tone.

The others fell silent and looked at Millie, then looked at each other, no comment seemed appropriate at that point in time.

"They've come and got him," Marvin blurted out, "They'll be after us now," He continued looking around nervously.

"Who! Who's come and got him?"

"The one's who killed him Bert, they'll want their map and knife back," Marvin whispered looking over his shoulder.

"Oh shit, I didn't think of that, oh shit, they'll kill us, or take us prisoner," Bert replied.

"Don't panic, don't panic, let's just calm down and think about this sensibly," Roger chipped in with a hint of panic in his voice.

"Oh do you think they will, like take us prisoner?" Millie asked in a sort of enquiring tone lacking much concern.

'Oh to be as thick as her, and so calm about it all,' thought Roger.

"Well almost certainly Millie," Marvin replied. "Drag us off to their secret lair and tie us up."

"Big men, adult men, all rough and strong, we won't stand a chance," Bert wailed almost in tears.

"Oh, do you think they'll rape me, they do that to teenage girls don't they, when they capture them like ... you know force girls to have sex with them and that," Millie asked, again so matter of fact.

"Yes, they might even rape me ... well they do boys as well don't they ... like they might be queer thugs and all," Bert gushed, more in hope than anguish; his remarks went unheeded.

"Bloody hell Millie, is that all you can think of, sex, I really am going to have to take you in hand young lady," Roger said with a half smile and a half boner materialising in his jeans.

"Mmm, yes please ... when Rog?" Millie enquired with a sparkle in her eyes.

"Tonight love, your room," Roger whispered hoping the others couldn't hear.

"Hey you said you'd take me in hand tonight," Marvin responded with a hint of indignation; as usual hearing everything he shouldn't.

"For fuck's sake Marvin, I can manage it more than once a night these days," Roger replied with a wink and reassuring grin.

"Umm excuse me, when you've quite finished your family planning ... what about my dead body" Bert commented sarcastically knowing full well he was to be left out of the family fun later and would have to content himself with hand relief and dreams of Sandra as usual.

"Can I Roger, please?" Marvin asked.

"Can you what?"

"Watch."

"Watch what?" Marvin.

"You taking Millie in hand, please, I won't interfere, I won't tell anyone."

"Fucking pervert, no you can't."

"Right then, Ok, right then, the body ... right then ... let's work this out and get out of here before someone comes, I'm not frightened of a few rough guys, but let's not push it," Roger urged, he was shitting himself in reality but dare not let the crew know this, well they relied on him to be brave and forceful.

"What is there to work out Roger the fucking body's gone, it's not here, it's vanished, it's done a runner, well not done a runner ... but like been done a runner with," Bert stammered.

"Umm, fair comment Bertram, come on let's go, nothing to be gained here," Roger replied glad of a get out, he'd normally have had a private quiet word with Bert for such a disrespectful comment.

Big and brave as Roger was, there was young Millie to consider, well that was his excuse and he was sticking to it.

The chums made their way back along the woodland path a little quicker than they'd done so on arrival ... nervous glances behind them ... nervous glances into the trees either side. Sudden jerks of shock and cold tingling sensations pervading their young bodies with every animal noise or rustle in the adjacent undergrowth.

Every creaking tree and whisper of the leaves in the breeze sounded to them like the creaking of a ghostly door and the whispers of villainous persons with evil intent in mind.

The very shadows appeared to be moving with them ... Marvin swore he saw a shadowy figure moving along in parallel with them some distance away to one side among the trees and undergrowth ... flitting between the trees almost unseen, just the occasional glimpse of the human like dark figure following their movements. Marvin's hackles were up, the hairs on his neck tingled and stood proud, he felt butterflies in the pit of his stomach; he wanted to tell the others of his mystery shadow man, but feared he'd alarm his young sister ... he also feared being called a fucking idiot by his brother.

"No say nothing, we're almost out of the woods now," he mumbled to himself.

There was very little conversation between them, they were just hell bent on leaving the lonely creepy woodland for the relative safety and comfort of the open road.

Well except for Millie, she was rambling on chatting away mainly to herself, still skipping along happily with not a care in the world.