To Have, & Have Not

"Is there any popcorn left?"

"Yes."

"Pass it to me?"

"No."

She looked at him with a humorous look of shock on her face as he passed the bowl to her without making eye contact, smirking. She loved being near him and how he made her feel. She also knew that he loved being near her.

Rick and Amanda had become fast friends over the last several months. They had met at work when she first came on board, and although their daily activities didn't generally bring them into contact with one another, Rick always made the effort to visit her desk each day, even if it was just for a few minutes. They also made a point to go to lunch together several times a week.

Rick and Amanda never failed for conversational topics, although they were as different as night and day. She wanted to have a house full of children one day; he never wanted children. Ever. Also, both had religious backgrounds, although Rick had chosen to walk away from the church, and to question the existence of higher powers, while Amanda had remained true to her upbringing, and attended church regularly. The topic of religion had come up from time to time, and while neither shared the other's point of view, they each respected it. They had also reached a point, after a few heated debates, which they both chose to not discuss it.

Rick had developed a crush on Amanda, and made no attempt to hide it from her. He would shower her with heartfelt compliments, surprise her with the occasional small gift, or simply pick up her lunch tab. He knew that because of their differences, they would likely never have a successful relationship, but he also knew that he cared for her, and felt more deeply for her every day.

Amanda felt the same thing for Rick, but she chose to keep those thoughts and feelings more to herself. She had alluded to him, from time to time, that she felt something for him other than friendship, but she also knew that their pairing could be a recipe for disaster. She loved Rick's company, though, because he treated her with the utmost respect, something that she felt like she hadn't experienced enough in her 28 years.

One thing that both had in common, other than enjoying time with one another, was their love of movies. They had developed a weekly Saturday night routine of watching various DVDs, each choosing one to watch. They alternated visiting one another's homes, each selecting a different movie, and they would then analyze and critique them after viewing, discussing various symbolisms within each. Rick admired Amanda for her analytical mind, and was attracted to her intelligence, as well as her physical features.

"So, what did you think, Mandy?"

"I liked it, but I didn't love it. I thought that the biblical overtones were interesting."

"WHAT?! Are you kidding? Amanda, this isStar Wars. It's a cinema classic, and I think you're reading WAY too much into it to draw any biblical parallels."

"No, Rick, it's so obvious. Let's start with the innocent farm boy..." She launched into one of her overdrawn analyses that Rick loved to verbally spar with her over.

Amanda was of average height, with shoulder length black hair and green eyes. She had a very nice body that was usually hidden beneath conservative clothing. She sometimes wore tinted glasses, which although they concealed her gorgeous green eyes, Rick found a sexy quality to. Rick couldn't think of a quality she possessed that wasn't sexy to him, including her intelligence. Few things were as sexy to him as an intelligent woman.

Rick was in better than average shape, standing close to six feet in height, with short black hair and green eyes to match Amanda's. He went to the gym on a regular basis, and ran a few days a week, as well. His lower torso was incredibly toned, and he'd become health conscious in recent years, although he had a weakness for Mexican food.

Another Saturday had arrived, and Amanda showed up at Rick's house with a bag full of Mexican food. She also had brought her copy of "Casablanca" over, while Rick had chosen "Apocalypse Now" as his selection that evening. They put in Amanda's movie first, then dug into their food. Sitting on the couch, Amanda's attention was focused on the television. Having seen the movie already, and not really caring for it, Rick sat staring at Amanda. He studied her profile, trying to memorize every possible detail of her face from a few feet away. Amanda's legs sat curled behind her on the couch, separating the two of them. Rick decided to try a little experiment.

He took her legs, and placed her feet into his lap, and began to massage them. It was also noticeable how smooth her legs were. He had hugged Amanda several times, but this was really the first time he'd felt her skin. He was fascinated with it. Not wanting to be too obvious in his admiration, he turned his attention back to the movie.

"What are you doing?" Amanda asked, with a half-smile on her face.

"You just looked like you needed it." he replied with confidence.

Her half-smile blossomed into a full one, and she just looked at Rick for a moment. His eyes didn't turn back to meet hers while she was looking. She thought what an amazing man this was, and how happy she was to now be a part of his life.

"I have a question to ask you, Rick."

"O.K."

"I have a friend who is getting married two weeks from today. I'm one of the bridesmaids. I'm not going with anyone, so I was wondering if you'd like to...you know..." Amanda had never been good with dating, and was even worse when trying to initiate the date.

"What?" Rick anticipated her question, but wanted to see if she would actually say the words.

"Will you be my date?" Amanda looked away nervously, as if she thought his answer would certainly be 'no'.

"I would be honored to escort you anywhere you like."

Amanda's face lit up with a huge smile, erasing the uncertainty she was feeling. Her smile lit up the room, and Rick never understood why she didn't seem to receive more attention from men.

Two weeks and another Saturday night moviefest had passed, and Rick drove to Amanda's house to pick her up for the wedding. He'd purchased a new suit to wear, inspired by the chance to look good for her. He arrived at her home, parked, got out, and walked to her door. He knocked on her door. When she opened it, she was wearing a pink dress, coming down to her ankles. She was stunning, and he involuntarily hesitated before speaking.

"What's wrong?" she said, nervously. She looked around, as if she was afraid of his answer.

"You're...Amanda, you're beautiful..."

Her eyes turned back to his, and her face lit up with a smile. Her smile got even larger as Rick produced the bouquet of flowers he'd handpicked for her on his way to pick her up.

"Rick, they're beautiful." Amanda had a look of happiness on her face that he'd never seen before. He made a mental note to try and produce that look from her again in the future.

"So are you."

Amanda had received compliments in her life, but they never seemed to center around her physical appearance. She'd gotten compliments on her clothing, or her intelligence, or other things, but Rick seemed to see something in her that no one else ever had before. She loved him for it, but always felt an uncertainty about it, because of their differences. She was afraid that she was giving the wrong signals to him, leading him on. She cared for him, but she also cared for him enough to not deceive him. Or herself.

"Come in. I should put these in water."

Rick stepped in, and waited patiently while Amanda searched for a vase to put her gift in. "I know we haven't discussed this, but are we doing movies tonight?"

"I'd like that. I'll probably feel like a good movie after today. Maybe something romantic, since we're coming from a wedding. We can come straight back here, if you like."

"Sounds good to me!" he replied. He watched her as she filled a vase with water, and admired how amazing she was to him. She was beautiful in every way to him. The sunlight beaming in through her kitchen window only accentuated her facial features, making her look almost artistic. He wasn't aware that he was smiling at her, when she looked up at him.

"What?"

"Nothing...I just...nothing." He let his statement go, and tried to erase the smile, although it wasn't easy.

Amanda knew exactly what he was thinking. She was always flattered by his feelings towards her, and she felt the same towards him, but she was much better at keeping it in check than he was. She offered a faint smile, placed the flowers into the vase, and placed them into a spot on her counter where they could receive sunshine. Exhaling a nervous sigh, she turned to Rick and said, "Ready?"

Completely aware of her uncertain thoughts, he acknowledged that he was, and they left for the wedding.

After the wedding, Amanda and Rick found themselves among friends at the reception. A band hired for the reception was playing upbeat dance songs from the 80s, while many of the attendees whirled on the dance floor to their beats. Amanda sat at one of the tables, quietly talking with one of her friends. Rick, who had loosened his tie, but otherwise still looked quite handsome, approached her, with an open hand extended in her direction.

"Want to dance?"

Amanda looked at him, somewhat surprised to be asked. She nervously glanced around, trying to think of a quick excuse not to.

"I can't dance. I have no rhythm. Besides, I prefer to slow dance."

"Neither can I, so we'll be great together."

At that moment, the band slowed their tempo down, and began Anita Baker's "Sweet Love", a slow, romantic ballad. Rick looked at the band's platform, smiled at the timing, then turned back to Amanda, hoping that her excuses had been narrowed down to zero.

Amanda sighed, with a smile on her face, looked up at Rick, and offered her hand to his. He assisted her to her feet, and locking his fingers with her, led her to the rapidly-crowding dance floor. He turned to face her, and pulled her close to him. Amanda seemed anxious, but she felt comfortable with Rick. He had always made her feel special, and she knew that he cared a lot for her. She also loved being this close to Rick for this long. They had hugged in the past, but that had been the extent of their physical contact. She loved feeling his arms wrapped around her, and hers wrapped around him. She had always loved the smell of him, but was always afraid to enjoy it too much. At that moment, Amanda realized that there were many things about life she was afraid of, but she really didn't know why.

Rick loved the feel of her tender skin, even if fabric covered it. He moved his hands towards the small of her back, as they began to sway on the dance floor. Her chest was pressed against his, and he could feel her hands on his shoulder blades, as she began to speak.

"So was being in a church today all that bad?"

Rick wasn't quite sure how to take her statement, but he answered honestly. "Come on, Mandy. What did you think, that I would melt when I walked inside?" She smiled at Rick's sarcastic sense of humor that always made her feel good.

At another part of the dance floor, several young children got up and began to dance slowly with one another, mimicking their elders. The youngest boy and girl, around age 5, were giggling together, as if the practice of dancing were just silly. Amanda caught their reaction, and began laughing herself. Rick watched the same children, but his reaction was no reaction. He watched the same children, but with little to no interest. Amanda turned back to him, and caught his blank stare.

"Why don't you want children, Rick? You're so loving. You would be a wonderful father."

"I have no paternal instinct. None. I've been absolutely certain of very few things in my life, but not wanting a child is one of them."

Amanda looked at him with an obvious sadness in her eyes, as if she were watching the man of her dreams turn and walk away from her.

Rick continued. "I don't have what it takes to be a parent. I'm too irresponsible, I'm too selfish, and too emotionally immature. It would be a curse for any child to have me as a parent."

Amanda felt a sadness inside her that she'd never felt before. "I think you're wrong, and I think you sell yourself short. I think a child couldn't be luckier than to have you as a dad."

Rick offered a faint smile, but turned his head away, in an obvious display that he wasn't comfortable discussing this any more. Taking note of this, Amanda changed the subject.

"Thank you, Rick."

"For what?"

"For coming here with me today, but also for asking me to dance. I have to be honest...I was hoping you would ask, even if I might have said 'no'." She smiled at him again, which was always easy for her to do.

"I would have asked you a long time ago, but the opportunity has never really presented itself."

Amanda looked into his green eyes, and saw caring. She saw sincerity. She saw something in his eyes that she never saw before.

Rick continued to hold her body close to his as they moved to the music. He positioned his forehead to rest on hers, and looked into her eyes as he spoke.

"You know, I'm going to be dancing at your wedding someday. I'm only sad that I won't be your groom while doing it."

Amanda looked into his eyes again. The sincerity that she saw was now paired with sadness. She felt, at that moment, what Rick had felt for her for so long. She knew that his compliments weren't simply empty banter, and that she was capable of being loved by a special man. She also quickly remembered all the differences that separated them from being together. They each stared at the other's lips, having not been this close to one another for this extended a period of time. Rick considered taking the initiative, and thought about bending over to kiss her. What he didn't know was that Amanda was thinking the exact same thing at that moment. Instead, she just mustered a faint smile, then rested her head on his chest. She turned her head away from his view as a lone tear ran down her cheek.

Sensing her sadness, Rick held her as close to him as he could without a word. He only wanted her to feel comfort. His attraction to her was definitely physical, but it was also much more than that. She was incredibly intelligent, and even though they rarely agreed on things, he loved her researched and thought-out point of view. He also loved her sense of humor for its uniqueness. No one could make him smile like she could, and her smile was always like the sun rising earlier than expected to him. Her compassion, her giving nature, and her commitment to her beliefs were all appealing qualities to him. He wanted so many features that she had to offer, and couldn't understand why she was still single. He was certain, though, that it was mostly by her own choosing that she was.

The song came to an end, and Amanda looked up at Rick.

"We can leave whenever you're ready."

"It's up to you. I'm enjoying just being with you."

"Let's leave in a few minutes. We can hang out at my apartment. It's movie night, remember?" She was desperately trying to feign happiness, when inside she just wanted to have him continue to hold her. It was the most comforting thing she had ever known, and that he wanted to hold her meant even more. She also imagined what his lips would taste like.

The sun had gone down when they arrived back at her house. It suddenly dawned on Amanda that Rick would probably not be comfortable relaxing in a suit.

"Do you want to go home to change, or just call it a night, or what? I know you don't want to hang out in what you're wearing."

"No, I'd like to watch movies with you tonight. I have some workout clothes I keep in my gym bag, in the trunk. Just some sweats and stuff. I can change into that, if that's OK."

"Of course. Come on in."

Rick retrieved the bag from his trunk, slung it over his shoulder, and followed her inside. Unbeknownst to her, he was watching her hips as she led him up the stairs to the door of her home.

Once inside, Rick went into the bathroom to change. Amanda's thoughts briefly drifted as to what he looked like undressing. She imagined him removing his shirt, to expose his chest. She reflected to a short time earlier that day, when his chest was pressed against hers. She loved the feeling of not just any chest, but his chest, pressed against her bosom. She began to imagine him placing his hands....

The bathroom door opened, and Rick emerged wearing a pair of sweat shorts, a t-shirt, and socks. His broad shoulders had always accentuated his athletic frame, but he looked particularly attractive tonight. Amanda wanted to change out of her dress, also.

"Can you unzip me?" She turned her back to Rick, waiting for his assistance. He placed his hand gingerly on her shoulder, and began to unzip her dress. Out of Rick's sight, she closed her eyes and let her thoughts take her over for a moment. She had thought about Rick, sexually, but only briefly. She felt afraid to let her thoughts possess her too much, but having Rick begin to undress her...

She snapped back into the moment at hand. "Thanks! Be right back." She ran into her bedroom, and shut the door. She removed her dress, and sat on the bed momentarily, to digest what she was thinking. What was it about Rick that drove her so insane? Yes, he was handsome, but he'd always shown respect for her, as well. Add to that that he had made it clear to her that he was highly attracted to her sense of humor and intelligence, and she found him almost irresistible. She felt a burning in parts of her body tonight that she had only felt once before, but even that was moderate by comparison. Her upbringing had led her to believe that sex before marriage was wrong, and her only sexual experience was heavy petting, followed by finger penetration. She didn't care about the man whom she was with then, she was simply curious. He also didn't do for her what Rick did.

Amanda had never masturbated. She had always felt like it was, in a word, wrong. She felt sexual urges from time to time, but had learned to keep them repressed. It was frustrating, but it felt right. However, what she was feeling at that moment she wouldn't have classified as 'wrong'. She lay back on her bed, opened her legs, and placed her hand just inside of her panties. She hesitated, and remembered that the man who was dominating her thoughts right now was just in the next room, literally only feet away from her. She stopped, sat up, and remained at the edge of the bed for a moment, to collect her thoughts. She considered it, then decided against relieving herself for now. She stood up, and walked into her closet to find something comfortable to wear.

She came out of her bedroom wearing a dark blue t-shirt, and blue jeans. She felt flush, as if Rick knew what she was doing behind closed doors. She'd only been in her bedroom a few minutes, but she felt like he was thinking about how long she'd taken.

"Anything on TV?" she asked, trying to deflect her nervousness.

"Yeah, good timing. "The Thomas Crown Affair" is starting. Want to watch?"

"Ooh, yes! This is supposed to be good! Pierce Brosnan, right?"

"And Rene Russo. Yes, this is a good movie. Let's leave it here." Rick placed the remote on the coffee table in front of the couch.

Settling into her normal spot on the couch, Amanda got comfortable as the movie unfolded. Rick, as had become customary, placed her bare feet into his lap, and began to massage. Her state of mind was not that of other movie nights. His touch was abnormally erotic to her tonight. She'd had similar thoughts before when he massaged her feet, but her sexuality was at a heightened state of arousal this evening.

The movie continued, and a scene was beginning that involved highly charged sexual interaction between the movie's stars. The sex on the screen got hotter, and hotter, and so did Amanda. Rick was very aroused, but was tempering it for the sake of respecting his close friend. He also found himself normally aroused around Amanda, even if they're just sharing morning coffee in the office.