Trust Left Out

"I'd forgotten about Gerald. Since he transferred to another city, I've had no contact with him." I could almost hear her words before she spoke them. "He's nothing to me. It meant nothing."

Her choice of words found me suddenly shaking with rage as I choked out the words. "Meant nothing? That's funny Doris because I haven't forgotten about Gerald and you - the two of you fucking. You cheating, lying...IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME!"

Doris rolled away and looked up at me. Her expression was one of unfathomable fear - and the silence between us seemed to last forever. Then she got up slowly and walked out of the bedroom -- never really turning her back to me. I realized it was time to pack.

*************************************

Doris fought our divorce - unsuccessfully. If you're thinking, "whoa you walk out the door and go straight for a divorce? What's up with that?" Well it didn't happen like that. When I did eventually file, she responded by using every delaying tactic in the book; so I simply stopped the process. While we are not divorced, we no longer live together.

We did try counseling at the behest of our lawyers. That was unsuccessful because when I was asked what were my goals - remaining married wasn't on my list - I simply wanted to be happy. Doris complained about that, she said I needed to take our marriage seriously. I actually laughed when she said that and reminded her that I was not the one who had been repeatedly unfaithful during our marriage.

I suppose we're coexisting in some quasi 'cheaper to keep her' scenario. I continue to pay my share of the mortgage, taxes, etc. - I'm just not there anymore. Doris isn't happy about any of this but there's not a lot she can do. What really ticks her off is that not only have I moved out -- I've moved on.

About three months after I stopped the divorce a colleague of mine found herself in a similar state of marital distress, naturally we commiserated with one another. She's in the middle of a nasty divorce and had been cautioned by her lawyer not to be seen in public with other men; needless to say she is one horny woman. I made a silly joke one day that she took seriously. A couple of days later she summoned me to an unused office down an unfrequented hallway. We've since christened that room: the Office of Collegial Benefits. While I am surprised at my own hypocrisy, I confess that I am only human.

Despite all of this I still love Doris and I know that she loves me. Recently she invited me to dinner during the holidays and I let her seduce me - actually she succeeded repeatedly during the four-day weekend. Lunchtime benefits are all well and fine, but compared to actually making love, there simply is no comparison. Am I a walking, talking catalog of crazy contradictions - my therapist thinks I am.

Last week he asked me if I thought that Doris and I might eventually reconcile; could I see us living as husband and wife again? I'd told him about my recent overnighter and how much I had enjoyed being with Doris so I replied that anything is possible. By now you're probably as confused as I am - so what's the hang up you might ask? Why don't I just move back home, get the two of us involved with some serious counseling and take a run at it?

Well I'll tell you why, I found out that the secrets I'd held in all those years had taken up a lot of emotional space. I was so obsessed with them that I didn't notice all that they pushed aside. When those secrets were freed I was left with a hole that I haven't been able to fill and a space in which Doris no longer fits. While I love my wife, I know now that I don't (and didn't for many years) trust her. And without trust, well...