Two Christmases

I showed them the custody papers. "My kids," I said. "I love the sound of that."

"You have no idea," said Sarah.

"I have a wedding to go to," I said.

Sarah grabbed my arm. "Alan, if you have custody of the kids, why are you going through with the wedding?" I just smiled.

I opened the garage and my Mustang was gone. "Cassie and the old man took it," said Josh. I nodded and ran behind the house.

I jumped back into the sleigh and headed for the church. The sound of the jingle bells had to be some kind of stereo because there were no fucking bells on that sled. I landed behind the church and patted Rudolph on the head. He tried to bite me. I just shook my head.

"Fuck you too," he spat. He was telepathic apparently.

I walked into the church just in time to hear the music start playing. Cassie was sitting in the back. I really believe that Elizabeth's parents thought she'd been invited.

I stepped up beside the preacher and smiled across the church at Liz as she walked down the aisle. All during our vows, I had the most self-satisfied smirk on my face. He asked Elizabeth all of the vows and she said it beautifully. "I do and this time I really mean it," she said. "We won't be coming here to do this a third time, I swear it." Everyone in the church laughed.

"That's for damned sure," I laughed. The preacher started again. This time he asked me. When it was time for me to say I do, the whole crowd watched and waited. "Do you?" he asked. I tilted my head to the side and smiled. I saw lights coming from outside.

"Nope," I said. Everyone in the church gasped. And Elizabeth looked as if she was about to shit a bowling ball.

"I can't marry her because..." before I could complete my statement, the door was forced open and a SWAT team burst in.

"She's going to jail," I said.

Everyone in the crowd gasped and started murmuring in surprise, shock and confusion. I did notice that Santa, who was sitting in the back of the church, next to Cassie, was laughing his ass off.

"Alan, don't let them take me, Honey," cried Elizabeth.

"I kind of called them, Sweetie," I said, as I watched them clamp the handcuffs on her and lead her away. As she walked past the last row, Cassie stood up and sweetly asked the officers walking Elizabeth out for a moment with her. She seemed so nice that the officer nodded his head. "Be quick," he said. "She's facing some serious charges. She tried to buy some children from a convicted criminal."

"What do you want, bitch?" spat Elizabeth. "You tried to steal my husband so you deserve what you got."

"I understand what you did, totally," said Cassie. "I guess in your shoes I'd have tried my best to hang on to him too."

"I..." began Elizabeth. Unfortunately, we'll have to wait 7 to 10 years to find out what she was going to say, because as soon as she opened her mouth, Cassie punched her in the face as hard as she could. Elizabeth went down like a house of cards.

I ran over to Cassie, who was standing over Elizabeth. "I told you that I was going to fuck you up," said Cassie.

The agents picked Elizabeth up and dragged her out of the building. The people in the crowd started getting up.

"Wait a minute," I said. "You guys came here to see me get married. So let's have a wedding."

I took Cassie's hand and led her to the altar. To my surprise, most of the audience, with the exception of Elizabeth's parents who'd followed her out of the church, simply sat back down and watched.

Just as the Reverend began the vows for a second time, the doors of the church flew open again. "For God's sake, can we please have a wedding?" asked the Reverend.

"We didn't want to miss this," said Josh. "Besides, I'm the best man." Becca ran to the front of the church and took my hand. Timmy walked up and took Cassie's.

"We're ready now sir," said Cassie. The preacher went through the vows and Cassie and I both agreed. As soon as I said, "I do," Cassie grabbed me and started kissing me.

The preacher tapped her on her shoulder. "You're supposed to wait until I pronounce you man and wife and tell him he can kiss you."

"Sorry," she said. "I've been waiting for this part all day."

The crowd wished us well and as we left the church, I waved at Josh who was still holding Sarah's hand. I still never saw that one coming.

As we passed by him, Santa handed me a large envelope. "Merry Christmas," he said.

I looked into the envelope and laughed.

"What's in the envelope?" asked Cassie.

"A wedding present from Santa," I said. "He gave us tickets for a cruise. It's our first family vacation with all four of us as a married couple."

"And our last," she said as we got into the car.

"You do know that wherever we go, the kids will be going with us," I said. "The four of us are together from now on."

"I know that, silly," she said.

"Then why'd you say that this was our last trip together?" I asked.

"Because pretty soon there are going to be five of us," she said, smiling at me. I looked into her eyes and went into shock. The car lurched to the side as I lost concentration for a second. It was a good thing too, because if we hadn't veered off the road, a huge clump of reindeer shit would have landed on us.

"Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas," I heard coming from directly above us. And it was. It was the Merriest Fucking Christmas I'd ever had.

The end.