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Both of their inner mental barriers had been shattered and their minds were fully open to him. He grasped onto the knowledge the demon was after and summoned him back again.
"Well? Did you get it?" The demon huffed angrily, the demon could probably tell by the lack of clothing on the faeries and the smell in the air exactly how he managed to retrieve the information. Vor'ek nodded and recited the ritual and components required. In their weakened state Vor'ek was easily able to cast a sleep spell on his two new acquisitions. He carried them to his caravan extremely happy with the results of his deal, what the demon didn't know was the ritual was only temporary and there were a great deal more secrets locked away in their pretty little minds. Vor'ek couldn't wait to pick them out one session at a time.
- COMMENTS
Etaskiover 11 years agoHey, DungeonsofDread,
I enjoyed the clear set up and efficient description given for the world; it has a lot of room for growth and is good fantasy. I also enjoyed Vor'ek being different and surprising in one important part of his function compared to what I was expecting at first-- given the fairly standard 'devil-touched' image you gave at the beginning. (Did you know it's similar for the Centauri in Babylon 5? ;) ) I even enjoyed the cheesy, "mustache twirler" dialogue between him and the demon (interesting that you consistently call it "it"); it made me grin and put me in a good mood. :)
I totally understand this to be a "solo alpha male" fantasy, and it is definitely that. My only question is do you think it was too easy for Vor'ek? I felt it was. The female faeries were, sadly, without personality and became predictable sluts quite quickly--I found them boring, especially considering they were priestesses of some power, which was a letdown for me. I like non-consent stories, and interrogation slants aren't as common as the "physical force" and "blackmail' varieties, so I am happy to see your story here.
They say the villain makes the hero, and the price paid makes the achievement that much better. If you were to write another story with Vor'ek or a similar dominant male, would you consider ways to make the reader actually doubt--even for a moment--that he was going to get what he sought? That's actually what separates a 4-star story from a 5-star non-consent---there was *no* doubt in my mind that Vor'ek was going to win.
Also, there were several places where you simply "told" the reader information via narration when it was also possible to "show' them through the actions/reactions/words of the characters themselves. Example: " long ago he discovered that when a faery reached a climax the inner barrier in her mind weakened, allowing access to any secrets". It wouldn't be impossible for the reader to get that information another way: say, one of the priestesses realizing what he was trying to do as the action continued, and having a natural, horrified reaction of some kind (as any interrogatee would have upon grasping the intent of their tormentor), maybe saying something defiant or challenging, and his only response to be a teasing reference to having had one of her kind before. Less information explicitly given gives each reader more breathing room and lets them fill in the gaps to their liking. It's not a bad thing.
Keep writing, you have a good command of the language and a good imagination. :) More practice on "show, don't tell" and making the outcome a little less transparent will make your stories even better.
