Unrequited Ch. 02

Caleb lay on his side as he sleeplessly stared off into space. His eyes followed the particles of dust that occasionally danced through the light of the small bedside lamp that cast a dim yellow glow across the sparse furnishings of his cramped bedroom. He watched as each speck swirled and hovered in and out of his field of vision.

He curled up, tucking his knees beneath his chin as a slight shiver wracked his body--partly from the autumn chill that flooded his small apartment and partly from the desolate feeling emanating from the gaping hole in his heart. Caleb felt lost.

He had tried crying. Hell, he had even tried throwing up again. Nothing could ease the pain he felt. Nothing could hide his shame. Nothing made him feel any less alone.

So he just stayed in bed, eyes wide open, trying to force his mind out of thought or into sleep.

He reached over to his nightstand and turned on the FM radio built into his too-large orange plastic alarm clock. He tuned away from any actual broadcasts, instead opting for a soothing rush of white noise. To anyone else but Caleb, this would probably seem cacophonous and irritating, but for him, it was like a current--like an auditory undertow in the atmosphere that would pull him down into the depths of sleep. He buried his head under his pillow and let the static carry him off into what he hoped would be a dreamless sleep.

He had no such luck.

Caleb slept soundly, but not comfortably, dreaming of nothing but that face, streaks of tears and bloodshot eyes marring the utter handsomeness that was Thom. Those crystalline blue eyes looked into his, filled with regret. Oh god, he regretted it.

Thom's face filled Caleb's mind. He could make out perfectly the angle of his sharp nose. The smooth point of his cupid's bow and the pillowy soft lips, now cracked and chapped. The wash of scruffy stubble that painted his cheeks and the curve of his jaw. The soft dark hair, more of a mess than usual, begging for Caleb to run his fingers through it. Then he looked into those eyes. The eyes normally somewhat dulled by his glasses, now shone with a brilliance that would be almost difficult to look at if they didn't possess that sparkle that was guaranteed to draw you in. Even when surrounded by red halos, those eyes were stunning.

Caleb looked in silence as Thom's eyes slowly closed, dark lashes fanning out across his cheek. When Thom's eyelids opened again, gone were the tears and inflammation. It was like being in the eye of the storm--complete calm. His eyes glimmered with their regained clarity as the corner of his mouth turned up in what looked like a small, kind smile. Caleb watched in slow motion as those now smooth and soft lips parted and Thom drew in a breath. Absolute serenity.

"I love you too," Thom whispered, still smiling.

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Caleb awoke with a start. His breathing caught in his throat as he fought through the murky depths of his heavy sleep and taunting dreams, to the surface.

He couldn't do this anymore. He was going insane.

He sat up with a struggle, the twisted sheets wrapped around his sweat-coated body like a Chinese finger trap: the harder he struggled, the more he got stuck. Calming down, he slowly extricated himself from his prison and sat on the edge of the bed, looking out the window. The city was bathed in a warm orange glow as the sun began to set.

"Fuck..." he groaned aloud as he rested his head in his cold and clammy palms. One entire day had gone down the drain. Twenty-four hours he could never see again. And he didn't even want to think of the years he spent completely infatuated...

And it was all due to his stupidity and credulity. Those moments (especially the last few) with Thom were some of the best of his life. But now--now they meant nothing.

He reached out a hand to his nightstand and unplugged his charging cell phone. "29 missed calls." Looking at the list of unfortunate callers, his friend Elliott had phoned three times. The other twenty-six? None other than Thom Glass. "Fucking wonderful," Caleb groaned, clicking off his phone as he shook himself physically, running one hand through his hair. He couldn't stay like this. He had wasted so much of his life up to this point hung up on Thom, he wouldn't let himself waste a minute more.

And twenty-six attempts at telling him "I thought you knew we were just friends!" wasn't exactly going to fucking help.

He stood, stretching his stiff limbs in the fading light before hobbling into the bathroom. He shed his clothing that he still wore from the night before and stepped beneath the hot shower spray. He silently thanked whomever was responsible for his unbelievable water pressure as the firm jets of water massaged his sore muscles and attempted to keep all those unwanted thoughts at bay.

Above the hissing rush of his hot shower, Caleb could make out faintly the sound of The Clash's "The Guns of Brixton" reverberating off the walls of his undersized bathroom. Caleb let out an exasperated groan. Elliott was calling again.

Caleb loved Elliott dearly. Really. But right now, he just wasn't sure if he could put up with his antics.

Though Caleb wouldn't call them "close", Elliott really had influenced his life in profound ways. He was the one who had convinced Caleb, after years of nail-biting and anxiety, to finally come out to his friends (who were essentially just Elliott and Thom) and family and, well, the world.

From the moment Elliott bounded into his sculpture class, his wild air of spontaneity and liberation had sort of sucked Caleb in. He loved his tendencies to be so excessively enthusiastic over things that most would find so mundane and his constant hectic pace. Elliott always had a full schedule. He never just had a night in, which is why he and Caleb had such casual friendship. Though he could appreciate someone else's hustle and bustle, Caleb preferred things much more low-key and laid back. Like things were with Thom...

And it wasn't just the difference in pace that put a distance between Caleb and Elliott. Elliott had always been very forward with his attraction to Caleb, despite Caleb's constant "just friends" deflections. Though Caleb couldn't say that he was unattractive or any aspect of his personality or appearance was a deal-breaker, he couldn't help his downright infatuation with Thom. Because Thom had always been on his mind, there was no room left for anyone else--not even the man who was so up front and honest about his desire.

Caleb's constant rejection never seemed to affect Elliott, either. For every pinch of the ass or wink of the eye that was met with the crossing of arms or a harsh word or two, Elliott was always able to bounce right back, as if nothing ever happened. And it wouldn't stop him from trying it again either.

So Caleb tended to keep his distance.

And as Caleb peered around the shower curtain at his glowing phone on the sink's edge which continued to sound, he was presented with a dilemma: Answer Elliott's call, put up with him, avoid thinking of... well, you know who, and possibly have some fun on a Saturday night? Or ignore it, avoid Elliott and his high-strung world in favor of a night in of stewing in his misery? Or as Paul Simonon and Joe Strummer seemed to ask, "With your hands on your head or on the trigger of your gun?"

'Surrender it is,' Caleb thought as he turned off the water and stumbled over the edge of the tub, grabbing a towel before snatching up his phone.

"Hello?" Caleb asked, probably sounding more irked than he intended to let on. But Elliott didn't notice a thing.

"CALEB! Jesus, boy, I've been trying to get in touch with you all day! Where have you been? Did you die?" Elliott nearly screamed with enthusiasm over the line in his overexcited howl.

"I'm fine. Had a long night, so I slept all day..." Caleb trailed off as he patted the towel over his still stiff body.

"Sounds like somebody got their hot little body turned out last night. Woof!"

Caleb blushed silently over the phone, his stomach churning as Elliott's comments stirred up images from the previous night.

"Anyhow, since you're still with the living, I've been calling you to see if you had plans tonight! I know you don't like going out every night, but tonight is going to be amazing! My ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend's band is playing their first show at this rooftop bar right in midtown. They're sort of a vintage '50s-style rock and roll sound and the place is absolutely adorable--you'd love it! It's a pretty casual thing too. Not too many people, not too busy a bar. And it's not all outdoors, there's a closed-in portion too--because I know you get cold..."

A slow smile crept across Caleb's face. That sounded perfect, actually. He needed to get out, and a little music and alcohol and good company didn't sound all bad.

"Okay," Caleb said, cutting Elliott off mid-ramble.

"Really?" Elliott questioned, his excitement building further, if that was possible.

"Yeah, I'll go. I need to get out of the apartment tonight and that sounds like fun."

"You won't regret it, Caleb. Tonight's going to be great! I'm so excited! And I'll be showing up with a gorgeous thing like you on my arm! Lou is going to be SO jealous!" Caleb rolled his eyes, even though Elliott couldn't see it, but didn't have time to get a word in edgewise as Elliott motored along, "The show starts at 9:30, so I'll be at your place at, say...8:45? I know it's short notice... Can you run on just an hour?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I just need to throw on some clothes and I'll be ready."

"Great! I'm sure you'll look adorable! I'll see you soon, boy!"

"Bye, Elliott," Caleb laughed out as he ended the call. Tonight was going to be interesting.

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Caleb really did enjoy being around Elliott again. They hadn't spent time together in weeks and his effervescent presence was a breath of fresh air that lifted Caleb's spirits.

"Don't you love it?" Elliott beamed as the pair walked out of the elevator and into the little rooftop bar. Strings of tiny glittering white Christmas lights hung from every feasible location casting a warm cozy glow around both the enclosed portion and patio of the bar. A large built-in bar took up one whole wall of the glass-walled section, leaving room for couches, tables and chairs on the inside. Out on the patio, brightly colored wooden folding tables and chairs had been folded flat and lined up against the far wall to make room for the small crowd of people gathering around the small raised platform stage.

Elliott and Caleb made their way out the glass doors back into the chill of New York fall. They leaned on the low wall with the view that looked out over the city. "This place really is incredible. It's such a tiny little bar, but it's got this view," Caleb motioned toward the glowing image of the Empire State Building above them and the flurry of activity down on 32nd Street below.

"Gorgeous," Elliott said, looking away from the view and winking at Caleb. Caleb swatted Elliott on the arm, playfully dismissing his flirtation with a sigh. "I think I need a drink now," Caleb said with a smile as he turned and sauntered back indoors.

Elliott followed close behind Caleb, seating himself on the stool beside him. "Patrón, three shots, please," Caleb called out to the bartender.

"Three? Expecting somebody?" Elliott laughed, placing a friendly hand on Caleb's back.

"One for you, two for me," Caleb was the one to wink this time as he tossed back his first shot of the night and slid one glass to Elliott.

"I like where this is going," Elliott grinned throwing back his glass as well and grimacing at that distinct bitter burn.

The pair sat at the bar for quite some time, chatting and laughing as Caleb loosened himself up with a decent amount of alcohol. He was nearing the "too drunk to walk" point when the rumble of bass shook the glass walls and the sound of cheers and applause filled the bar.

"You want to go check out the band?" Elliott questioned, his own words slightly slurred as he cracked a half-smile in Caleb's direction. Caleb just closed his eyes with a vague look of happiness and nodded.

Elliott wrapped his arm around Caleb's waist, partly for support and mostly because he wanted to get closer. The pair shuffled their way out onto the patio where the band was taking the stage.

A tall goddess of a woman took the stage with a white Les Paul in hand. Her shining dark hair spilled over her pale shoulders in long silky waves as she leaned forward to the microphone. "My name is Adah and we are The Tin Men," she smiled as she spoke, creating one little dimple on her left cheek.

Caleb slowly opened his still-shut eyes when he heard that voice and his jaw hit his chest. "How did you say you know her?" Caleb questioned as he tripped over his words, suddenly sounding worried.

"My ex-boyfriend is dating her. Why?"

"Fuck... Small fucking world... This was just too goddamn perfect," Caleb grumbled as Elliott pulled him closer.

"What's wrong? Bad blood with her? She's a nice girl..."

"I know, I know... That's Adah Glass. Thom's sister... Fuck!"

"Thom?" Elliott paused for a moment in thought, "OH! Oh, Thom! Your friend. The graduate assistant guy, right?" Caleb didn't tell anyone about his feelings for Thom. He didn't even want to think about telling Elliott who would have just pestered him about it until the end of time. "Why do you look like she stole your kidney, then?" Elliott continued.

"It's just... Thom might be here... We just... We had a falling out. I don't want to see him right now..." That was as close as he was going to come to the truth tonight. His brief anger started to give way as tears welled up in his eyes and he did the best he could in his drunken state to keep them at bay.

"It's okay, sweetheart. If he bothers you, I'll give him a shiner. No worries, okay?" Elliott tucked his finger under Caleb's chin, forcing their eyes to meet. Caleb just sniffled as he nodded.

"Now, let's dance!" Adah shouted from the stage as the band began to play. The first song was fast and energetic and got the whole crowd moving, but all Caleb wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hide for the rest of the night.

"Come on, do as the nice lady asks," Elliott said with a wide smile, wrapping Caleb in his arms from behind and twirling him away from his body like a ballroom dancer. Caught off-guard and a little inebriated, Caleb wobbled on his axis before crashing into a group of people and toppling to the ground. Elliott quickly rushed to his side, helping him to his feet. "Sorry guys!" he said to the disturbed partygoers. "He's okay. Let me," he said to a man trying to lift Caleb from the ground as he moved to take his place. "I'm so sorry, babe! I think we're both a little drunker than we thought! Let's go find a couch inside. We can still see and hear everything, but there's less risk of injury, I believe." Caleb was still too stunned to reply and just allowed himself to be dragged wherever he was being led.

Elliott stopped before the love seat which was now facing the window, giving a perfect view of the patio. Caleb plopped down directly in front of the window, his arm slung over the back of the sofa and Elliott sat just behind him.

"Here, Caleb, lean back just a little. You look really tense and one of my exes was a massage therapist, so I know my way around a tense neck and shoulders," Elliott said, pulling Caleb gently so he was leaning back against his chest.

Caleb allowed himself to let go as Elliott used his nimble fingers to work the tension out of his muscles. He closed his eyes and imagined Thom, but for whatever reason, the anxiety was gone. All he felt was the happiness and warmth he had felt with Thom before. He thought about Thom's hands touching him instead of Elliott's. Those warm hands moving lower and lower down his back. He thought about the way his heated fingertips felt against the cool flesh of his back as he had removed his shirt.

It didn't take long for Elliott to spy the physical evidence of just how good he was making Caleb feel. He was a little surprised, to say the least. He had always figured Caleb was a lost cause... Maybe his constant flirting technique actually worked.

"You like this, baby?" Elliott cooed into Caleb's ear, the warm air drawing a shiver down Caleb's spine as one hand left his shoulder moved around to his stomach, just beneath his shirt.

"Mmmmm," Caleb moaned in reply as he pushed himself back harder against Elliott.

"Good," Elliott whispered. He brought his head down to the crook of Caleb's neck planting a gentle wet kiss just behind his ear. Caleb brought up his arm, cradling Elliott's head, bringing him ever closer and spurring him on. He could feel Thom's lips on his neck, he could feel Thom's body pressed against him, he could hear Thom's voice in his ear.

He could hear Thom's voice?

"What the fuck, Caleb!"

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Thom crossed his arms as he leaned back against the cool glass wall of the rooftop bar as he watched his sister take the stage. She had asked him to come, and Thom had begged like he had never begged before to be let off the hook for the night, but after one of Adah's agonizing guilt trips, he had almost no choice.

He had been in pieces since Caleb had walked out of his apartment. The series of events seemed like such a blur, but they weighed on his heart so heavily. Jackson was gone. A cheater. And somehow he wound up sleeping with his best friend. Who LOVED him. It was a whirlwind of despair and joy and shame...

But the more Thom thought about it, the clearer everything became. He could remember the miniscule details--and each one was Caleb: the way his body smelled like vanilla and almond soap, the chill and softness of his long slender fingers and the gentle tickling of his white-blonde hair as it brushed against chest when he said those words that still echoed in his head.

Love.

At the time, he really didn't feel the same. It wasn't that it was unthinkable. It was just a concept hadn't ever entered his mind with Caleb. Sure, that probably made him blind and insensitive, but he'd be damned if he didn't try to make it up to Caleb.

Thom wasn't sure if he could promise him love. Hell, it had been hardly a day since he had kicked out his boyfriend of five years. But he was going to try. He couldn't bear to live without Caleb in his life in some capacity, and if friendship didn't make Caleb happy, he could give him more. He knew he could give him more. They had so much in common and there was certainly no lack of attraction physically, he knew that for sure now.

He just hoped it wasn't too late. Thom tried Caleb's number all day, but could only hear the sound of his voice on his outgoing message. He was even getting ready to go to Caleb' apartment tonight to beg for forgiveness when he got the call from Adah.

She convinced him that it would probably be best to get out of the house and give both Caleb and himself just a little time, sealing the deal with a reminder that Thom had been out of town on her birthday two years in a row. Adah could guilt you into anything...

And so Thom hung back in the cool night air, half listening to his sister's band play, half weighing the pros and cons of leaving early to find Caleb.

Until a blonde whirling dervish crashed into the small group of people next to him and fell into his arms. The kid was clearly stinking drunk and hung limply from Thom's arms as he tried to lift him from the floor by his thin shoulders. Hoping a different approach would help get this guy off the floor, Thom moved around to the front to try to pull him up from beneath his arms. Before he could get that far, Thom was stopped in his tracks.