Video Diary

"Hi. I'm Gamer Girl, and I'm a nerd," Andrea said, looking into the camera, "as if I needed to tell you." A hand covered her heart rising and falling with her chest as she paused to catch her breath. "This is my video diary." She forced a smile.

"I'm supposed to tell you why I made a video." The words escaped between deep nervous pants. She always struggled to breathe when anxious. She tried to swallow with a dry mouth.

"A wise friend told me to find a way to get paid for doing what I love. Well, I love reading, board games, and ..." She cleared her throat. "... masturbating." Her voice broke. "I haven't found a way to get paid for the first two."

"I'm 21, and I've never been kissed. I'm invisible to guys. Well, actually, my friends, the guys in my gaming groups I mean, well, they don't interest me that way." She gulped.

"I joined 'I Touch Myself' because - well - the videos are real. You know? It's real girls sharing real life. It's better than scripted stuff." Andrea forced a few deep breaths. "I made a homemade video." A half smile faltered. "It was hard because nobody's ever seen me naked. I kept forcing myself to turn on the camera until it seemed normal, but each time, I deleted the video. Then one time, I waited a week and watched it again, and I still didn't delete it. I put it in an email, but I didn't press send. I looked at the email in my Drafts folder often. I daydreamed about people seeing my video if I ever sent it, and then I did."

Talking about making videos resurrected the arousal she enjoyed with the first one. Telling the story became an out-of-body experience. Her words tugged and pulled her body as if she was a marionette with strings attached to the levers of her sexuality.

Andrea waited to catch her breath again. She twisted a lock of hair to indulge a life-long nervous tick. She swallowed and resumed. "I regretted sending the email. I felt ridiculous, but then I was crushed when they rejected it."

"OK. My first reaction was relief, but then it sunk in. My video wasn't good enough to appear at 'I Touch Myself'. The reply thanked me for submitting to the 'Homemade' section, but it said the site received too many similar submissions. The email encouraged me to make something different. It suggested a video outdoors with better lighting or an unusual setting or with a friend."

Andrea paused the camera and replayed the diary on her computer. The site's instructions told her not to edit her videos. They had professional editors, but Andrea clung to the knowledge she could delete anything before sending.

"I exposed my most intimate moments, and they didn't want them. I felt dirty and unworthy and ugly." Andrea inhaled and continued. "When I told one of my friends, he wanted to see the video. I told him it would never happen, but he said he would have seen it if the video had been accepted. All my friends love the site, and they would have recognized me."

She turned off the camera and cut everything back to the line, "I haven't found a way to get paid for the first two." The rest was too personal and too intimate.

Resuming, she said, "The site wanted something unusual, so I gathered my friends to help." It sounded false.

Feigning fearlessness gave Andrea a sense of empowerment even if it required a revision of history. When she made the second video, Cal said she demonstrated "agency" by "owning her sexuality."

In reality, Andrea cried for two days after the rejection of her first attempt. She hid in her tiny apartment, skipped class, missed meals, and avoided all of her loves. Daytime TV numbed her mind more effectively than reading, board games, or masturbation. The young woman craved the oblivion of unconsciousness, but there was no alcohol in the house, and walking to the store required too much effort.

The guys pounded on her door when she didn't show up for the regular Friday night "Cosmic Encounters" game. She ignored them. They returned Saturday morning with coffee and croissants. Hunger more than anything convinced Andrea to open the door.

"Whew! Is your shower broken?"

"Leave her alone. You're not one to talk," Cal reminded Fat Ray as the two of them barged into her room. Cal pushed Andrea toward her closet. "Pick out some fresh clothes," he commanded. "The coffee will be waiting when you get out of the shower."

The guys spotted the video camera on the tripod by her bed. They whispered with excitement and tried to access files on her computer as soon as she closed the bathroom door, but the password foiled them. They tried a few obvious choices without success.

Andrea sat naked on the edge of the bathtub while the shower steamed up the mirror until the need to pee compelled a transfer to the toilet. She struggled to keep her urine stream dainty because she didn't want the guys to hear.

She eventually emerged from the bathroom barefoot but otherwise clean and dressed. Neglected wet hair remained unbrushed. Sweatpants hung loose on her hips. Her oversized t-shirt was inside out and draped low in the arm pits letting the guys ogle her pink bra through the gaps.

Andrea tossed a look of contempt in their direction and dedicated her attention to the coffee.

"I got the Jalapeño cream cheese you like," Cal said with an encouraging lilt.

"What's with the camera?" Ray asked in an irritating smug way.

Andrea declined to answer. After her second croissant, she agreed to meet later at the game store for an all night "True Blood" marathon.

"I think she's rejoined the living," Cal announced, "Let's go to the lab and play Starcraft until lunch." He smiled at Andrea before he closed her door.

Alone and bored, Andrea elected to reread one of her favorite novels. When she got to the part where the hero saves the heroine from imminent rape and torture, she put the book aside and closed her eyes. "What a rush to be rescued like that," she mused and pictured herself in the scene. The hero finds her naked and bound to an exam table with the villain holding a knife to her throat. She remains defiant. The hero frees her and cradles her naked body in his arms.

Andrea's hand slid into her sweatpants and under her panties. She glanced at the lifeless camera and winced before settling comfortably on her bed. "It's been at least two days," she calculated. "That must be a record. I think I'll need several orgasms to catch up."

It was possible to miss having a significant other while recognizing the reality: nobody could play with her as competently as herself. A snuggle sometimes sounded sweet. A nibble on the neck appealed in an abstract way. It might have been nice to glance at rigid proof of her desirability jutting from the loins of a worthy man. Regardless, Andrea preferred the certainty of her finger dancing within her folds. "I might let him watch," she assured herself.

Sun through the window heated an already simmering body. She pulled her hand away from her pleasure long enough to strip off the shirt and bra. It felt delicious to lay topless in the sun. She teased her nipples before cramming both hands into her panties.

Her fantasy drifted to the idea of people watching her video, but those thoughts revived feelings of inadequacy. Instead, she conjured a favorite scenario. She pictured herself in her old bedroom on the second floor of her parents' house. In her vision, She stood nude in front of her window watching the paperboy tend his route along her street. The handsome fellow paused when he saw her. She winked and jiggled her breasts.

The familiar rising tide accompanied her expert teasing until Andrea shivered with a small but satisfying orgasm. "That fantasy always does the trick," she exulted. After a moment spent composing the will to move, the gluttonous young woman reached over to her dresser. She groped for "the man in the panty drawer" as she affectionately described her vibrator.

Later, the afternoon provided an opportunity to stock up at the grocery store. She walked bow-legged but content. The young bag boy flirted with the middle aged woman ahead of Andrea in the checkout line. He spared some raised eyebrows and a wink for Andrea when he caught her staring. "He's pretty cute," she admitted to herself. She liked his confidence.

The man in the panty drawer made an encore appearance after Andrea's cheese and pesto tortellini dinner. "He's so reliable," she smirked and concocted a scene involving the bag boy with a telescope observing an unknowing wanton wench. The telescope peered into a window much like her own.

Cal saved Andrea a choice seat near the front. The second season of "True Blood" featured graphic simulated sex ranging from masturbation under a blanket to an orgy on the front lawn. Cast commentary compelled Andrea to squirm in her seat. One of the first season guest stars said, "I didn't really have lines the first time. It was like 7 a.m. in the morning and I was completely naked while a makeup artist was on her knees in front of me sponging my ass. It's intimate. I was so nervous that after I shot the scene I was going up to the crew members - I had just met all these people the day before - and I was like, 'You got a boner!' ..."

Five hours into the viewing marathon, Andrea scanned the game shop for a discrete place to take the edge off. The line of people waiting to use the unisex bathroom foreclosed that option. She declared, "I've had enough for tonight. I'm gonna walk home."

"Hey. It's 1 a.m., and you live eight blocks away. You can't walk home alone this time of night. I'll come with you," proclaimed Cal the Wise.

"Yeah, I appreciate it, but then you'll walk back alone."

A girl named Stephanie piped up. "I'll walk with both of you and then walk back with Cal."

Andrea tried to remember where she met Stephanie but came up short. They hardly knew each other. Andrea's intuition concluded the girl wanted some time alone with Cal. She brushed the knowledge aside and forced enthusiasm. "Hey. That's great. Thanks for helping out."

"Let's go," Cal said. "If we hurry, we'll get back before the next episode is over."

Stephanie's calculating appraisal of Cal made Andrea doubt the pair would return. Stephanie looked hungry, and Cal was on the menu. Of course, Cal remained blissfully unaware as far as Andrea could tell.

"Vampire sex is so hot," Stephanie said as the threesome stepped out of the shop.

"I don't know," Cal hedged. "It seems crazed and violent."

"Some women like it crazy hot like that." Stephanie touched her lips.

"What about you, Andrea?" Cal asked the back of her head.

"The dialog made it sound like the women loved it and wanted more, but it's hard for me to see why. There was no tenderness."

Stephanie hurried to get ahead of Andrea and remarked, "How much acting do they need when they're hanging from the ceiling by their wrists? It's the situation that's hot."

Andrea glanced sideways to Stephanie and shrugged. "Just not my thing - I guess."

"What is your thing?" Cal mumbled from behind.

Andrea pretended not to hear.

"You didn't think it was sexy?" Stephanie's words dripped skepticism.

"There were lots of sexy scenes. I just didn't like the vampire ones or the whole thing about vampire blood being a stimulant and aphrodisiac. Looking at those guys is stimulating, but not enough to overcome being dead or undead or whatever."

"What did you think was sexy?" Cal spoke loud enough to assure Andrea heard.

"I think the hottest scene was Sookie wriggling under the covers while Bill watched through her window."

"Come on," Stephanie argued, "I get what you're saying about the vampires, but wasn't Jason sexy?"

"Not really. He looked good with his shirt off, but he acted like an animal. Who wants to be pawed like that?"

"What do you think?" Stephanie turned back to face Cal.

"The restaurant owner, Sam, he's the most realistic, and he turns into an dog," Cal observed.

"Are you more like Bill, Jason, or Sam?"

Cal's face contorted while he composed his reply to Stephanie. "I'm most like Bill except less dead," he joked, "but, I'm not like any of them. Are you like Sookie?"

"I have my psychic moments," Stephanie smiled. "Did you know? Bill and Sookie are married in real life. I bet the sex is totally real." Stephanie winked.

Andrea imagined what it would be like filming those scenes.

"If that's so, how does it work when Sookie has sex scenes with the other vampires?" Cal asked.

"Maybe he likes to watch?" Andrea suggested.

"Yeah, he probably gets off watching her with other men. How hot is that?" Stephanie smiled broadly and puffed out her chest.

Cal's gaze traveled up and down Stephanie's body, and Stephanie danced back to grab his hand and walk beside him.

"This is my place," Andrea announced for Stephanie's benefit. "You guys can head on back now if you want."

"Do you mind if I use your bathroom first? I drank a gallon before we left."

"Yeah, OK." Andrea didn't want to entertain Cal and his seductress, but she bent to his request.

Andrea sat on the edge of her unmade bed while Stephanie browsed books piled against the apartment wall.

"How did you like this series?" Stephanie asked while holding a paperback.

"You can borrow them if you want. They're good."

"No thanks. I should finish 'Fifty Shades' first."

"Do you like it?"

"Oh, yeah," Stephanie winked and raised her eyebrows. "That's why it's taking so long to finish. I keep getting sidetracked." She showed a coy grin.

The sink stopped running, and the door opened. "Finish what?" Cal wiped his hands on his shirt.

"Masturbating," Andrea informed in an overloud deadpan tone.

Stephanie glared before turning her coquettish smile on Cal.

Andrea endured the necessary pleasantries before sending the others away. By the time she collapsed, the mood that prompted a rush home dissipated. She hugged herself and thought, "At least Cal's getting lucky tonight." She wondered where Stephanie conspired to consummate the transaction. "Maybe they'll do it in the alley outside my window." The mood to play returned.

A slow Sunday morning reading in bed recharged Andrea to face the coming week. The guys expected her on-line that evening to play "Sins of a Solar Empire". It wasn't her favorite, but they humored her taste often enough. She wanted to return the consideration.

Cal already had a private lobby setup before Andrea signed in. The password was "QueenOfPorn" as usual. Some of the guys worshipped the actress, Jenna Jameson, who earned that title.

"Was Stephanie a good lay?" Andrea typed.

"How did you know?"

"How could you not know?"

"Women are an enigma."

"We're mostly straightforward. You're oblivious. I'm surprised you can find your own right hand."

"I keep my right hand close. It never lets me down."

"Did Stephanie let you down?"

"I thought she'd be kinky after all that talk about 'True Blood', but she was a cold fish."

"A what?"

"She just lay there. She didn't even make noises."

"You must be a terrible lover." Andrea appended the "oh - my" emoticon.

"Thanks."

"Just saying," Andrea typed with trailing hugs and kisses icons.

"So what's up with the camera?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me."

"Why?"

"You don't want me making up my own explanation."

"Do tell."

"I think you have lesbian orgies, and your laptop is stuffed full of video evidence."

"I prefer men."

"I know. I saw you checking out Fat Ray's speedo when we went swimming that time."

"Are you and Stephanie an item now?"

"I don't think so. She stayed the night, but she has some other guy on the side. I texted to make sure she got home, and she replied, 'yep'."

"Nothing else?"

"I got one syllable from her."

"Where are the others? They should be on by now."

"Ray and Kurt are here with their laptops."

"Why didn't you say so?"

"I'm waiting to find out about the camera."

"I made a video. You already guessed."

"I didn't know you have a boyfriend. Who is he? Was it hot?"

"Shut up and start the game."

"Tell me later?"

Andrea wanted to tell somebody. Despite herself, Cal's nosey interest warmed her. Someone might like to see her video even if it didn't meet the site's lofty standards.

"You won't tell anybody else?"

"My lips are sealed."

"I did it alone."

"Even better!" He used the giant smile icon. "What are you going to do with it?"

"Delete it."

"Nooooooo," he typed. "That's like burning a Picasso. You have to share with the world - for art."

He riffed on the internet meme about absurd sexual requests being "for science"; "show us your boobs - for science", "bend over and spread your cheeks - for science". Years earlier, Andrea found herself persuaded to send a close up snapshot of her nipple to a stranger - for science. It was an anonymous forum, and she appreciated the request more than the usual demand, "Tits or GTFO".

"Come over. Ray's making Irish coffee. It won't be fair if you play sober and we're all drunk."

"Can't - I'm naked," Andrea lied.

"Oh god - Then we're coming there."

"No. I'll be right over. Irish Coffee is exactly what I need."

Cal's apartment filled most of the first floor of a rundown house an easy walk from Andrea's. The guys sat in mismatched chairs around a pool table that filled most of the parlor. Nobody ever played pool, but the table provided an excellent surface for gaming. An old Star Trek episode blared from a surround sound system comically mismatched with a small TV.

"You're already one round behind," Fat Ray noted and shoved a glass mug at Andrea.

She set her laptop on the table and asked, "Are you ready to play?" Cal and Kurt battled in the midst of a round of Magic the Gathering.

"He's down to 4 life. I'll win in a second," Kurt claimed, but Cal played "Stream of Life" for 14 points bringing him almost to full strength.

Ray and Andrea sat on a battered old love seat entailed to the apartment along with the pool table. "What kind of camera was that?" Ray asked.

"Mine? It's a JVC."

Ray worked part time making game films for the university. He started assisting a group of professionals working for the football team, but he branched out to film volleyball and swimming on his own. He loved AV equipment.

"Yeah. I meant, what model."

"Sorry. I don't know."

"That's OK. It looked like a good setup. How's the sound quality?"

"I'm not going to tell you what I filmed," Andrea cut to the chase, but she remained good spirited about it. Ray's generosity with the good Irish whiskey made Andrea lightheaded already.

"Are you going to send it to someone?"

"Send what?"

"The video you made - who's it for?"

"Geez. You guys have a one track mind."

Cal stood up and turned off the TV. All three guys stared waiting for her to continue.

"I tried to make some money. That's all. I sent it to a site that pays, but they rejected it."

"What site?" Ray sounded interested in the site as much as the video.

"I Touch Myself."

"We all do, but what site?"

"Ha, Ha," Cal fake laughed at Kurt's joke. "That's my favorite site."

Ray interrupted. "Why did they reject it? Wasn't it professional enough?"

"They said they get too many of the same thing. They want one outside or with a friend."

"We have to do this!" Kurt yelped.

"What do you mean, 'WE'?" Andrea scowled at him.

"We're your friends," Kurt insisted, but he already appeared deflated.

"Are you going to do another one?" Cal asked without making eye contact.

"I don't think so. Being rejected took the wind out of my sails."

"It was a good idea," Ray insisted. "You should do what they ask."

"Why, so you can watch it?"

"Of course. I'd give my left nut to watch it." Ray had a way with words. It just wasn't a very good way.

"Is your video on the laptop? Can we see it?"