What Now? Ch. 03

"Holy shit!" he muttered, I'm not sure if it was because of my new dominant attitude or my dick against his hole. Either way, his hole opened right up like a budding rose, and I started slipping the head in. "Stop!" Ian yelled all of a sudden.

I was paralyzed with fear. What the fuck had I done wrong?! I was sure he was loose enough, he clearly wanted it, I was dying for it, and he'd been the one to initiate it. "What's wrong?"

"Put on a condom, you shithead!" he hissed, his gorgeous hazel eyes intense with... frustration?

I chuckled. "Right. Sorry - got carried away, I guess." I quickly fetched the condom from where he'd dumped it on the bed earlier. I ripped the wrapper open, and quickly put it over the head of my dick. I started rolling it down, but Ian let out a frustrated sigh and pulled it off.

"You clearly haven't done this before," he hissed, taking over. He held the tip with his fingers and rolled down the rest quickly. He clearly had done it before. It caused a surprising pang of jealousy in me, wondering how many guy's dicks he'd put condoms on before they fucked him. It only made me want to do better - to be his best. "Alright - there!" he said, giving me a condescending look.

"Calm down, man," I said. "I did say I hadn't done it before." His eyes softened. His pretty, pretty eyes.

"You're right, sorry." He smiled shyly and gave me a sweet peck on the lips. "Okay," he said, leaning back, "now fuck me, you stud."

Stud? Fuck yeah! He made me feel like such a man. "Hold on," I said, "didn't you say you were taking charge since it was my first time?"

"I changed my mind," he said, running one hand up and down my abs and the other my dick, making sure I stayed hard. No worries there. "You're doing so well I'm sure you'll do great. It's like second nature to guys like you. Now come on, I'm not used to begging. I'm usually the one guys beg for - now fuck me."

I chuckled. "Alright, then. Get ready for the best dick you've ever had."

He started laughing. "Yeah, righ - ugh!" He didn't get to finish, 'cause in that moment I slid my latex-covered dick more than half way inside his ass. "Motherfucker!" he screamed. "You idiot! Slow down!"

Fuck. "I'm sorry! Sorry! Should I pull out?"

"No!" He panted, eyes closed and both hands fisting the sheets. "Just stay there for a second."

I stayed completely still, fearing I'd screwed everything up and he'd never let me fuck him again. His ass felt so wonderful around my dick, so hot, so tight, and the spasming was like a really tight massage on my aching shaft. It was utter bliss, and it was threatening to make me cum already, but knowing I'd unintentionally hurt him made my hard-on wane a little.

"I'm so sorry," I tried again. "You were so open, I thought..."

"Yeah, I know," he said, eyes still closed, but at least he wasn't frowning anymore. "I should've told you. You need to go slow, especially when you have a dick as big as yours, but it's fine, the pain's gone, I just feel really full. Give me a little more." Glad I hadn't caused real damage, and to be honest kind of flattered, I started - slowly - sliding more of my dick into his sexy ass.

"Ugh... mhm... like that?" I asked hoarsely.

"Yeah," he panted. "Like that." Then I felt the head of my dick slide against something spongy, but kind of hard, and it made Ian's eyes fly open. "Oh fuck yeah! Just like that!"

Holy shit, I thought, I just found his prostate! I didn't need him to tell me I was doing good anymore - his moans were doing that for him.

"Oh, yeah," he whimpered in my ear, clawing at my back and pulling at my hair. "Oh, my god, yesss!" He was throwing his head back, moaning and whimpering into my ear, kissing my neck, pulling my face into his and kissing me like a wife kisses a soldier when he comes home, sending my ego into outer space.

I'm such an idiot, I thought. I can't believe I waited this long. Why the fuck had I not done this before?! If I'd know it'd be this amazing I would've done it years ago, when I had my first crush on my best bud back in Malibu when we both started lifting weights together, with Jamie - I would've kissed him like I'd wanted to when he was blowing me, I would've stripped him naked and fucked him right there in my bed. I wouldn't have cared if my mom had walked in on us. I would've done it with Danny when we were dating.

God... Danny. I wished I could've fucked Danny. I would've been good to him - even better than stupid Jake - stupid, manly, sexy Jake. Maybe I would've fucked Jake too.

But this was no time to think about what could've been. I was fucking Ian, and there was nothing short of amazing about him - he was a little sex animal. And he was gonna make me cum. Right fucking now.

I picked up my pace, making my hips slap soundly against Ian's ass, and his cries became even louder.

"Oh, god!" He whimpered. "I knew you'd be amazing!" That sent me over the edge, and I groaned as I ground my hips hard against him and shot my load into the condom.

Ian brought his hand between us and started jerking off furiously, and in less than a minute he painted both our stomachs with his cum.

***

Five minutes later, both Ian and I had cleaned up, and we were sitting in his bed facing each other, him in his underwear and me fully dressed.

"Well," I said, "that was..." I trailed off. I had no idea why I felt so awkward around him now.

Ian chuckled.

"Look, Steven, it doesn't have to be weird, alright? Like I said, I'm just helping you out, I'm not gonna date a guy in the closet, and I don't think you want to date me either. We barely know each other. This is just fun, and if it helps you figure out what you want then that's awesome, but I understand if you need a little time to think after this. You did just have sex with a guy for the first time after all."

"Yeah," I said, nodding. He was right, my mind was reeling - I needed time to think, not only about what we'd just done, but what it meant for me. I didn't know what to say.

Ian scooted closer to me on the bed and put an arm around me. "Hey," he said, making me look at him. "I just want you to know there's no pressure coming from me, okay? We can do this again sometime if you want, or it can be a onetime thing - your choice. But even if you decide not to do it again, we can be friends. I'll be glad to help you out while you figure this out. I'll be the friend I wish I'd had when I came out. Sound good?" I smiled and nodded.

"Yeah. Thank you, Ian. Really."

"Don't mention it."

He walked me to the door and I went home. I had to walk quite a bit, since I'd gotten here on the school bus, and I had no idea where to get a city bus from there, but in a way it was good - it gave me time to think, which I did.

I'm not a virgin anymore, I thought. I just had sex for the first time - with a guy.

It was a weird thought, but in a way... it made sense. I'd always known I wasn't into girls the way my friends were. I didn't fantasize and jerk off to them like they kept going on and on about, and the few times I'd actually made out with girls I hadn't been into it, and neither had my penis. I'd apologize and tell them I was tired, or drunk, if the situation allowed for it, and I tried to convince myself that it was true, but deep down I'd always known there's was more to it than that. Jamie opened my eyes.

Every time I'd think back to the blowjob I tried to make myself believe he'd come on to me and I'd let him suck me off cause I was a horny kid like everyone my age and there wasn't a girl around, but now that the truth was out - at least in my head - I could admit that I had seduced Jamie, and not the other way around. He was just a little shy gay boy pining for the football player across the street. He'd never intended to even attempt to go beyond that, but I had been the one to invite him into my house that day. I had been the one acting differently - way too friendly, flirtatious even, and loving the attention he gave to my body. He had been the one that got on his knees and pulled my shorts down, but only after I'd made it abundantly clear that I wanted it.

As I turned into my street and saw my house, I wondered what would've happened if my mom hadn't come home early that day. What if Jamie had finished what he'd started? What if I'd kissed him like I so desperately wanted to? What if I'd fucked him that day?

What if?

Oh well, I thought as I stopped in front of my door and pulled out my keys, what's done is done. All I can do now is try to do better, starting with not lying to myself anymore. I had to admit who I was and what I wanted, and I needed to let go of the past before I could do that. I had to let go of what happened with Jamie, what my parents thought they knew, and I especially had to let go of Danny. He wasn't mine and he never had been.

I climbed up the stairs, and once I got in my room I ripped my backpack open and pulled out my binder, turning into a blank page. I'd heard a guy say on TV once that when you had something hard you were dealing with and didn't know what to do, it helped to write it down and say it out loud. It put things into perspective, and it made it real in your brain.

Taking a pen with a shaky hand, I set my hand down on the paper and wrote down I'M GAY in big, capital letters.

I didn't feel any different.

I took a deep breath and swallowed hard. "I'm gay," I whispered to myself.

It felt weird.

I looked around, half expecting my mom to pop her head in out of nowhere like she'd done that day.

"I'm gay," I repeated, with just a little more confidence.

I waited a few seconds, and nothing happened, so I said it again.

"I'm gay."

I took a pause, and then I did it again.

"I'm gay."

And again.

"I'm gay."

I realized it was working. The more I said it, the easier it came out, and the more real it became.

"I'M GAY!!" I screamed into my empty room.

Nothing happened, and then I started laughing hysterically.

How stupid, I thought, I'd been so terrified of admitting it to myself for so long that in my mind it'd become this huge deal, and now that I'd actually said the words, nothing had actually happened. The earth hadn't stopped spinning, the birds outside my room hadn't stopped chirping, my parent's hadn't freaked out and thrown me out. Absolutely nothing had happened, yet at the same time, a major thing had happened - I'd accepted myself for who I was. It actually made me feel better - more in control of my own mind and life, now that I wasn't lying. At least not to myself.

I ripped the page off, crumpled it up and threw it in the trash bin beside my desk. Then I sighed deeply and laid back on the bed with a huge grin on my face.

I knew I was a long ways before actually coming out to other people, but for the moment I was happy. I wasn't a virgin anymore - I'd just had sex for the first time with a gorgeous boy who asked for nothing but to be my friend and for the first time in forever, I was at peace with myself.