When Irish Eyes Are Smiling Ch. 06

It hit me then, all at once. Fuck me. No wonder she'd wanted out of the relationship. I took a sip of the lemonade, needing to cool a suddenly dry throat.

"I wanted things to be all my way," I admitted. "How you were supposed to act and be, how I was supposed to act and be. And whenever you asked for something to be your way, I thought you were trying to change me."

She froze and gawked at me, gawked like I'd just unzipped my skin and revealed my true self. "I don't believe it. All those arguments, all these months, and you finally get it. The man finally gets it."

I flushed with chagrin. Thinking back on it, yeah, Cathy had tried to tell me all this, sometimes calmly, sometimes shouting, often with tears of frustration in her eyes. Stubborn asshole that I am, I hadn't gotten it. Hadn't wanted to get it.

"I just assumed—" I pressed on, "that we broke up because I was working too much."

Her big brown eyes took me in, sad and sympathetic. "I know. We argued about that, too, remember? I kept telling you that I didn't care about that. You wouldn't believe me. I mean, Jesus, Dev, do you have any idea how much I—" She stopped then set aside her tools and crossed over to join me.

Using a rag she had on hand, she poured herself some lemonade and lifted the glass without smudging anything with clay. "The problem," she went on, "was that you were so scared I'd mold you into something different, you wouldn't budge on anything. And there I was, bending over backwards to accommodate you, making myself into something that couldn't change or grow. Do you know how hard it was for me to admit that? I loved you enough that I was almost willing to let you do that to me."

"I'm glad you didn't." The lemonade was sitting like acid in my stomach. "I always figured I was to blame—"

"Don't—"

"—now that I see it, I'm amazed you were so nice to me. You should have dumped me sooner and harder, right on my thick, stupid head."

She laughed a little. "I wanted to. You can't imagine how mad I was at you; but the blame wasn't all yours. I needed you to change for me, and you couldn't. And you needed me to accept you exactly as you were, and I couldn't." She shrugged. "We're both better off."

Our chat eased up from there, switching over to gossip on mutual friends. She fetched the gallery info she'd printed out for me. "I like what I'm hearing about this fellow you're with," she said, walking me out to my car. "It sounds like he's good for you. Maybe we can double date sometime—if you don't think that's too weird?"

"It's weird, but why not?" We exchanged a friendly kiss and a final embrace.

I felt rather odd driving away from that house where I'd once shared a life with Cathy, as if some dusty attic inside me had finally been cleaned out. Part of me was relieved that the clutter between us was finally gone, but the other part of me was appalled. With the attic empty I was able to see all the angles and corners of myself that I'd never known—or wanted to know were there.

Like the fact that I was a self-centered fuck who expected his lovers to change to satisfy his fantasies. Like the fact that I was a lazy asshole who couldn't be bothered to return the favor. No wonder I'd only had serious relationships with feminine girls like Cathy; they were willing to bend themselves out of shape for me. A guy, especially the manly type that interested me, would have called me on my shit. Joel had. From the get-go, he'd been crystal-clear about what he wanted, and that he wouldn't take less. He'd also let me know that I'd better learn to love him for what he was, not for what I wanted him to be. If I couldn't, I could fuck off.

Trapped between my infatuation with him and his demands, I'd done what I'd pretended for all this time that I couldn't do: I'd changed. Which, for the first time, put me the other side of the fence: changing anyway I could think in hopes of keeping Joel. To make it even more ironic, every change I'd made had led to another harder change: first was just agreeing to a relationship with a guy, next was examining my feelings. Last, I allowed Joel to take me.

Now...now I had another change to make. Perhaps the biggest and hardest of all.

I slept badly that night and was restless at work all the next morning on into the afternoon. Cathy was still on my mind. What she'd said about us, her new guy, even the feel and fragrance of her. I'd always thought that if I ever settled down it would be with a girl. Yesterday's self-revelations, however, had pretty much blown that assumption to bits. Hard to believe I was considering it after only one month, but there it was. I was thinking of a man for my life-partner. It would mean accepting not only monogamy, but giving up women as well.

I might have questioned whether I could do that, but the way I was feeling made any doubts ridiculous. The very thought of seeing Joel tonight had me as excited as a kid invited to a birthday party.

I get to see Joel tonight!I kept thinking.I get to have drinks and dinner with him, and afterwards....Ah. Afterwards. I trembled with anticipation.

I get to see Joel!

"You're fidgeting," Paula muttered. My partner was in her late fifties; stick thin with silver hair always perfectly coifed. Colleagues thought us an odd couple, and we were, but we worked well together, like tag-team wrestlers handing clients back and forth till the property was sold.

"It's my personal life," I apologized, restlessly shifting in my chair and glancing at the clock yet again.

"Hm, so I figured." Sitting at the desk next to mine, she filed her nails while scanning the new properties list. "Did I mention that our four o'clock canceled?"

"Really?" I perked. It was three-thirty. Joel almost always went for coffee at around four, and he certainly would today, after being deprived of it for most of the week.

Paula sighed. "School's over, Junior. Get on home. Anything comes in, grandma will take care of it." Her tone was always very dry and even I wasn't always sure when she was joking, but I took her at her word and snatched up my messenger bag.

I parked at the apartment building and thought about going upstairs to change, but I was too eager to see Joel. Besides, he loved me in this suit; it was the same one I'd worn that fateful Friday when we'd finally come together. I straightened my tie and jacket, then made my way from the parking structure on down the hot sidewalk.

There, standing right in the front, bay window of the coffeehouse, was Joel. No mistaking that black fedora. He had his back nearly to me, a coffee, muffin and the crossword on the table. I felt myself grinning like an idiot. Christ, did I have it bad for this guy or what? I was still grinning when I came into full view of the window and saw that he wasn't alone. Another man stood opposite him, big hands holding onto Joel's arms. A blond man in a sheer teal shirt, matching tank, and lose white trousers.

My heart jumped into my throat and stuck there.Jesus Fucking Christ.Gabe was right, there was a resemblance. His eyes were a much lighter blue, hair a lighter blond, eyebrows more full, lips wider, but we had a similar facial structure. I didn't know which was the worse shock, seeing the likeness between us, or seeing the gray threading Eric's hair. He had ten, maybe as much as fifteen years on me, and it was eerily like looking at a time machine. I'd bet money that once he'd been exactly like me, drawing admirers in on looks alone.

Joel's included.

Eric hands were moving lovingly up Joel's arms, possessive enough to piss me off. The look in those summer blue eyes was regretful. He was talking earnestly, apologizing, I bet, just as Gabe predicted he would.Take me back, Joel.

Joel wasn't moving away; alarmingly, he seemed to be listening.Fuck!I took a step toward the door.

And then, quite unexpectedly, Eric jerked Joel into a kiss. Not like with me and Cathy, a friendly kiss, no. This was a kiss so intimate it knotted up my gut. It was a bedroom kiss filled with sexual secrets and private emotions. I saw Eric's arms go about Joel's neck, his fingers running through his hair.

Joel—Joel gripping tight to his shoulders. He clung to them.

When Eric finally pulled back, he wore a smile so disarming, so sincere it erased all age for a moment. He looked timeless.

I've lost,I thought then, everything in me crumpling. I still couldn't see Joel's expression, but Eric's was enough. That air of triumph told me that he'd won his suit. I wondered if I'd even had a chance.

Dismayed, I stepped closer to the window and Eric's euphoric gaze caught sight of me and my outraged expression. A brow lifted, angry-amused at what he undoubtedly took to be a homophobe's reaction to two men kissing in broad daylight.

He gave me the finger.

I spun around and hurried away, my tie flapping and my cell phone banging from within my jacket pocket. I darted around people in shorts and tee-shirts, cutting across the street and nearly getting hit by a car. My shoes on the pavement beat a hard tattoo.

I'd thought Joel was mine. I'd been wrong.

*Joel*

I couldn't help but admire the glorious, late summer day around me as I strolled down the walk toEspresso Yourself. I'd just been over to Katie's to pick up Devlin's gift, and had it tucked under my arm with that day's paper. I was really looking forward to having a fresh, iced mocha and a nice muffin while I did the crossword. Mulling over whether I should have the almond roche or the hazelnut syrup, I pushed my way through the swinging door. The fuchsia cowbell over the door jauntily announced my arrival to the ladies behind the counter.

"Well, where've you been all week? We was beginning to think that fella of yours had you locked away so's he wouldn't have to share your company with anyone else. Wudn't we, Bea?" the sweet, little Southern Belle of a girl said sassily.

"Mmmm...yep," the owner agreed with a nod. "Something like that anyway. Wanna tell him what you were really thinking, Desiree?" Desiree giggled impishly, and I felt myself flush. "I did wonder if something wasn't wrong since that poor boy's been moping all week."

"Well, except for Wednesday afternoon, that is. He was wearing a big ol' grin when he came in and got two drinks and muffins for you. Said he was on a mission of mercy," Desiree chimed in.

"No, nothing like that," I said with a chuckle. "I've just been dealing with a huge case all whole week. Thankfully the hard part's over, and everything got turned in on time."

The bell over the door jangled, and both of them glanced over at the person who'd come in. I didn't pay it any mind, though I wish I had. For whom does the bell toll? It tolled for me.

"That's good news. What'll you have to celebrate?" Bea asked.

"I think I'll go with the almond roche today, aaaand..."

"The blueberry muffin with cream cheese filling...if you have them?" a voice said behind me. All three of us turned to see Eric standing there as if he owned the place, cocky-looking as ever. "That's what he always wants when he goes for almond roche," he said to the ladies. I stared, unable to believe he was really standing there, acting as if the last two years had never happened. His gaze shifted to me. "Well, you do. I can't help it if you've got well established habits."

I didn't know what to say, and even if I'd had something ready and waiting, my throat had closed around my vocal chords. I couldn't stop staring either; I think I almost expected him to dissolve, like a mirage on the highway. He was real though, I never could have come up with the outfit he'd chosen on my own. The sheer, dark teal shirt, almost large enough to be a jacket, with a matching silky tank tucked into loosely flowing, white pants that nearly covered his whole foot. It was the sort of thing he'd wear when he was trying to impress someone. That someone had to me; this couldn't be a coincidence because he didn't show the slightest sign of surprise at encountering me here. He'd put on a little weight, and there was more grey sprinkled among the ash blonde, but he still looked great. Especially considering he'd turned forty-five back in April.

"You look fantastic, Babe," he said, flashing his thousand-watt smile and pulling me to him for a hug. My brain had just started to reengage, but the unexpected, and unwanted, contact sent it reeling again. "You've obviously been taking good care of yourself." I felt myself stiffen, wanting to push him off, but not wanting to make a huge, public scene. "You feel fantastic, too. Just like I remember," he whispered in my ear.

It was too much. I brought my hands up to his shoulders and disentangled him from me. Turning back to the counter, I paid for my coffee and muffin saying, "I look fine now, but you should have seen me six months after you walked out." I picked up my stuff and walked away from the counter. Knowing he'd follow, I kept talking. "I lost about twenty pounds the first two months. Gabe told me I looked like I'd been in a concentration camp or something."

"Oh, God, Baby! I didn't know—"

"How could you?" I interrupted harshly. "You changed your phone number the day you left, and you couldn't be bothered to worry your pretty, little head about how I was doing!"

I set my stuff down at the small table by the window where I liked sitting when I had time to relax. I turned to take my seat and Eric grabbed my arms and pulled me around to face him.

"Joel...I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, I just—I lost my head for a while."

"Never meant to hurt me..." I sneered. "You thought what? That walking out without so much a simple explanation, completely cutting me off so I couldn't even call and find out what I'd done to drive you away, would have me jumping for joy?"

I was trying to keep my voice low, not wanting an audience for this confrontation, but people were beginning to notice that something was going down. He moved his hands up to my shoulders, squeezing them with his strong fingers.

"No! It wasn't like that at all. Please, don't be like this, Joel," he said, his eyes, the soft blue of a desert sky, locked with mine.

The regret and longing I saw there made my skin crawl. I knew now that he wasn't just trying to clear his conscience; he thought he could win me back if only I'd let him explain. If I'd just be the old, reasonable, exonerating Joel, but he'd killed that man. I tried to turn away from him, but he caught me off guard when he jerked me to him, covering my mouth with his. I gasped in surprise, and he took advantage of my parted lips. I shuddered in revulsion at his presumption, my tongue trying to escape the touch of his. He held me firmly, his arms around my neck, his hands in my hair. He wasn't letting me turn my head, and the little I could move wasn't enough to break away. I gripped his shoulders hard, my fingers digging into muscles that weren't as firm as they'd once been, and thrust him from me.

"Just like old times, eh, Baby?" he said breathlessly, giving me his most seductive smile, the one that'd always made my knees weak for him. He tried to lean into my chest. I held him away, still too stunned at his obliviousness and temerity to respond.

His eyes focused past my shoulder, through the window, and his expression changed to annoyed disgust as he flipped someone off. I turned automatically to see who it was, and the sight of Devlin briskly walking away, close to running, made heart jump into my throat. He jaywalked, nearly being hit by a car; its horn blared angrily. My heart dropped into my stomach, and I felt like I was going to throw up.

"Fucking asshole!" Eric hissed arms akimbo.

I shoved him away from me, my anger sharpening to a razor's edge. He stumbled back, stunned into silence. "That 'asshole'is my boyfriend, youfuckwit!"

"You never said you had a boyfriend," he said accusingly as I gathered up my stuff so I could go after Devlin.

"You never bothered to ask, did you?" I pushed my way through the shop door. "Hell, no, of course you didn't. Youwaltzedin there assuming that I'd beenpining awayfor you this whole time; thinking that all you had to do wasstrutyour pretty self up to me and make your little 'apology'for using my heart like a doormat to wipe the dog mess off yourcute, littleshoesbecauseeverything's always aboutyou. Isn't it, Eric?" I walked off in the direction Devlin had gone, hearing Eric's sandals scuff along behind me.

"That's not true—" he protested weakly.

"No, it is true, Eric. I only saw it after you left, but it most definitely is true. You took up with me because you didn't think you could do any better. Then, as soon as you realized you could do better, you walked out without even bothering to explain. I had no idea where you'd gone, and you had the number on your cell changed. You completely cut me off and cut me out of your life without a single care for what it would do tome."

"No, it was never like that. I loved you...Idolove you. I thought that since you were here you were free and wanted to see me."

"What in Hell are you talking about?" I nearly screamed, coming to a dead stop and turning to face him. "You thought since I was getting coffee I wanted to see you?"

"The messages I sent. I asked you to meet me here, and here you are."

"You asked me once to meet you here, a month ago, and I didn't respond to that text, or any of them for that matter, so why would you think that?" I said incredulously.

"No, I sent two others with the time and day of the meeting. I figured if you didn't come—"

"Well, I'm sorry, but I never got them." I started to walk away again, and he caught me by the arm.

"Please, Joel, can't we just sit here for a minute and talk about this?" he pleaded, indicating a bus stop bench.

I sighed heavily and sat. "Fine, let's get this over and done with. For the record, I had no clue you thought you were meeting me. If I'd've known, I wouldn't've come, and you wouldn't've possibly ruined my life for a second time." I sucked down half of my chilled drink, giving myself a mild ice cream headache. I desperately needed the caffeine kick.

"But—how long have you been seeing this guy? Are you serious about him?"

"You know, that stopped being any of your business two years ago," I gritted out through clenched teeth. Opening my eyes, I looked him squarely in the face. "If you'd've come back after six months, I'd've taken you back with open arms and a glad heart. If you'd've come back a year ago, I'd've let you back into my life. Even a few months ago, I'd've resisted, but ultimately I'd've let you woo me back and spent the rest of my life praying you didn't hurt me again. Now it's too late."

"Joel, hear me out. I didn't mean to hurt you like that, really. It's just—one day I was looking in the mirror and I couldn't see the man I'd always seen my whole life. It wasn't that young kid I remembered from high school and it wasn't the strong, handsome one I was in college...it wasn't even the man-about-town I was in my thirties. There was this stranger looking out of the mirror, he had grey in his hair and lines around his mouth and eyes, and he was starting to get a little soft around the middle.

"I got scared, pure and simple. All my life, I've been my looks, they'd been everything I was to everyone I'd ever known, and suddenly I realized that they were gone...thatIwas disappearing with them.

"A couple of days later I was in a store, looking for a new outfit. We had plans for the weekend, and I wanted to look as nice as possible. I was hoping to find something...I don't know, youthful, I guess, and there was this kid working there. He kept giving me the eye, and coming over to see if I needed any help with anything, and I just couldn't believe it. He'd just turned twenty, and he was so..."