Why?

"How come you're picking us up dad? What's going on?" Kim asked.

"I'll tell you in a minute honey." I told her as I pulled into the park near our house and parked the car.

Kim was sitting in the front seat beside me and Jeremy was in the back as I turned to them. Both looking very confused.

"This is very hard for me to tell you this, but I've left your mother. You'll be living with her until we work out the custody arrangements but I have my own apartment now and I'll no longer be living at home."

"Why daddy?" Kim exclaimed as tears flooded her eyes. "Why can't you be with us anymore?"

Jeremy just muttered, "Oh shit!" and turned his head away to avoid us seeing his tears.

"I'm really sorry you guys, and I can't explain the reason, but you have to remember that we both love you and we'll always be there for you. You're both going to have to support your mother and be there for her, but our marriage is broken and I don't think it can be repaired. We'll be there as your mom and dad, but we won't be doing it together."

Kim was openly crying now and I reached over and tried to hug her over the console. I hated to see my little girl cry. Why did Joan do this to us? I asked myself. Look what its doing to our kids.

Finally, calm was restored somewhat and I drove them to the house where I no longer lived. Before leaving them there I gave them both hugs. Tears were still running down their faces and mine too.

You guys go and do your homework and try to keep your minds occupied. Your mother will be home soon I expect and I don't think she will be too happy so be prepared to support her. You can call me on your cells at my cell phone number if you need anything and I'll be calling you on yours to see how you're doing.. I'm real sorry about this but sometimes things happen over which we have no control and this is one of those times."

I left them and headed over to my apartment. Looking at my watch I saw it was just after 3 PM. Joan ought to be getting the bad news about now.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It was about 5 PM that same day when my cell phone rang. I looked at caller ID and saw it was my in laws phone calling. Apprehensively I answered it.

"Hello."

"Frank?" I heard my father-in-law, Sam speaking.

"Yeah Sam. What can I do for you?"

I liked Sam. We had always gotten along fine together.

"Frank, Joan is in the hospital."

"The hospital?"

"Yeah, they brought her here from work. She collapsed there a couple of hours ago. Right after they served the divorce papers on her. She had them call us. What the hell is going on Frank?"

"Sam, she been running around on me and I found out about it."

"Oh shit, are you sure? That doesn't sound like her."

"I have the PI's report, pictures, video and audio. Its all there."

"Oh damn. This will kill her mother."

"How is Joan doing?"

"She's had a severe shock but I've also found out something else. She's dying."

The words, 'she's dying' just seem to stun me for a minute before I responded asking for clarification.

"What do you mean 'she's dying'?"

"She has pancreatic cancer and its terminal. They're only giving her a few more weeks to live."

"My god, I didn't know that Sam. She never told me. How long has she known?"

"She's pretty heavily tranquilized but she was able to say about three months. She's really distraught. Can you come to the hospital? I think she wants to see you."

My mind was in a maelstrom of confusion. Joan terminal? What did I want to do. Damn, I've already told the kids I'm leaving her. The kids; oh shit, they're home alone.

"I'll come as soon as I can, but I've got to see about the kids. They're at home alone."

"Where are you at?"

"I'm over in my apartment."

"You had it all planned out?"

"Yes, I wanted to hurt her as much as she hurt me. I loved that woman and I trusted her. There are no excuses for breaking vows we make before God."

"I guess I can understand that."

"I've got to get over to the house now. Do you know how long they're going to keep her there?"

"At least over night. They want to keep an eye on her."

"Okay if I bring the kids up this evening?"

"I think she prefers they stay away. She'll be going home tomorrow. She should be able to cope better then. Are you going to make it here tonight?"

"This is such a mess. I don't know what to do now. I'll stay with the kids tonight and tell her we'll talk tomorrow. I'll get the kids off to school and then come get her."

"All right Frank. I'll tell her. We'll stay here until she goes to sleep."

After hanging up I got in my car and headed back to the house. As I was driving my phone rang. It was Kim's cell.

"Hello Kim."

"Daddy, mom isn't home yet. Has something happened to her."

"I'm on my way home now honey. I'll explain when I get there. It should only be a few more minutes."

"Okay, bye."

Lord, what was I going to tell the kids. This was such a mess. Why didn't she tell me she was terminal? Maybe this explains, somehow, why she had the affair. She must have started it after she was told about her illness. No wonder she was losing weight and was tired all the time.

Pulling into the drive way at home, Kim came running out the door to greet me. Jeremy stood in the doorway, watching.

"Daddy, where's mommy?"

"She's in the hospital baby. She fainted and they took her in for a check up. Grandpa Sam called and she's doing fine so don't worry; we'll see her tomorrow when she comes home. They're just keeping her over night to make sure she's okay."

I took her hand and we went inside. I put my arm around Jeremy's shoulder to reassure him. He seemed to appreciate the gesture.

"How would you guys like to go out to eat?"

After dinner at our favorite pizza restaurant we went back to the house.. I called Sam to see how Joan was doing and he said she was sleeping comfortably and they were getting ready to go home.. I reiterated to him that I would be in to see her in the morning and bring her back home. We had lots of things to talk about. He agreed with me.

Before the kids went to bed Jeremy asked, "Are you coming back home dad?"

I thought a moment before answering. "It looks like I may have to Jer. You guys plan to go to school tomorrow and then I'll probably bring your mother home. We can have a family discussion tomorrow evening. Okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine."

Kim, who was listening asked, "Do you still love mom, dad?"

"I've always loved your mom honey. Its just that something made it so I couldn't live here anymore, but I may have to come back to help your mom for awhile."

She smiled at my response that I was coming back home. I gave them both a hug before they went to their rooms.

After they left I made myself a drink and then sat in front of the TV looking at the blank screen for awhile. Yes, I'd have to come back home. If she was dying she wouldn't be able to look after the house and the kids. We would have to talk tomorrow before the kids got home to iron out living arrangements. I would have to assume there was a tie-in between her affair and being told her anticipated life spa was severely shortened. Maybe I would finally find out 'why?'.

There were a myriad of things I would have to do including canceling the divorce action. There was no sense pursuing a divorce with a terminally ill person. I'd have to give up the apartment too. Lord, why didn't she tell me about it. Why keep it a secret? We might have been able to work something out.

Thinking about her and our fifteen years together and the thought of losing her suddenly made me very sad. Maybe it was the alcohol but it like I was suddenly covered with a pall of grief. It had been such a stressful day and to have it end like this must have been too much because I felt the tears running down my cheeks. In my haste for revenge I'd charged ahead without talking to her or confronting her. Now I would have to take the time to find out 'why'. We had nowhere else to go if she only had a few weeks to live. Her actions breaking our wedding vows meant I did not have to honor my obligations to our marriage but I couldn't throw her out now. I did still have responsibilities as a fellow human being and a parent.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The next morning I was up early and got the kids ready for school. Kim was excited about seeing her mother when she got home from school.

"Have you heard how mom is doing this morning daddy?"

"I haven't had time to call yet honey, I'm sure if there was a problem they'd have called us. Do you have everything ready for school?"

"Yes, its all in my backpack."

"Okay then, let's get going. The bus will be along in a few minutes. You all set Jer?"

"Yeah, I'm ready."

"Okay, see you later then. Have a good day."

After they went out, I stood on the porch watching until the bus came and then went back inside. Before I picked up Joan, I needed to bring my stuff back home , so I called the truck rental place and got the same truck reserved. They promised to have it ready as soon as I arrived.

I called the hospital and asked for Joan's room. She was having breakfast when I called but started crying as soon as she heard my voice. "Oh Frank, I'm so sorry. Can we talk?"

"I'm going to come get you about noon, Joan. I have some things to do first and after we get home we can talk Are you sure they're going to release you?"

"Oh yes, the doctor was in and he said a could go home this morning. I'm so sor....."

"Save it until we get home Joan." I'll see you later." I broke in gently.

"Alright." I heard back in a small, weepy voice.

Putting on my work clothes I headed for Uhaul to pick up the truck. It took a little less than two hours to get me stuff moved back home. Then I showered and changed clothes again and took the tuck back to Uhaul. I picked up my car there and headed to the hospital.

Joan was waiting for me, all dressed, sitting in a wheel chair in the hospital lobby when I got there. Her parents were with her and I was stricken by her appearance. Since I'd seen her yesterday morning, she looked like she's aged ten years. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying and her pallor was almost a grayish yellow. However, I steeled myself from taking her in my arms.

"Are you all ready to go?"

"Yes, they released me a little while ago. I've just been waiting for you." she sobbed out.

"C'mon then". I told her with some kindness in my voice as I didn't want her to start a scene in the hospital lobby. "Let's go home."

Sam spoke up then.

"She's our daughter but she's your wife and we gave her to you in marriage. If your marriage is finished we'd like to have her back with us."

"I hear you Sam and and I recognize my responsibilities as a husband even though your daughter has broken her marriage contract with me. We'll be talking when we get home and I'll let you know."

"Okay Frank. If you go get your car I'll wheel her out when you get back."

"Thank you." I responded as I hurried out to get my car.

Later, as we drove home Joan started to speak.

"Frank, I'm so sorry. I know nothing can tell you how sorry I am."

"Joan, why don't you wait until we get home. We'll have time to talk before the kids get home."

"Are you going to throw me out Frank?"

"No, if you are as sick as your dad says you are then we will stay together. This is going to be very hard on Jeremy and Kim. I've already told them that we were splitting up, but not why. I've rented an apartment and moved out yesterday but I moved back home this morning. I guess the biggest thing you're going to have to explain to me is 'why?'. Why did you do it and why did you do those things with Chad you never did with me? I think I deserve an answer and when we get home I want you to tell me 'why?' If your dad hasn't told you; I hired a PI and I have his report with pictures, video and audio recordings when you met Chad in our guest room. So there's nothing you can say that will disprove your actions."

Joan just sat in the passenger seat with her head down quietly crying.

"Alright Frank, I'll try to tell you."

We drove along in silence, except for her weeping, until we got home. I helped her inside and up to our bedroom when she said she'd like to shower and change her clothes before we sat down to talk. While she was doing that I made us soup and sandwiches for lunch.

After lunch we sat at the kitchen table across from one another and looked at her.

"Go ahead Joan. I want to hear it now before the kids get home."

"Alright. I don't know whether you remember or not, but about three months ago I was having stomach pains I thought was indigestion or heart burn. Well, after a couple of weeks and the pain didn't stop and I couldn't relieve it with antacids I went to see our family doctor and he sent me out for tests and a cat scan. I did all this without telling you because I didn't want to worry you or the kids unnecessarily. My job lets me get out of the office at odd times and I took advantage of it."

"When he got the results he made arrangements for me to see an internist. He did some more tests and finally told me I had a case of pancreatic cancer and there wasn't much they could do for me. He told me that it was discovered so late that treatment would be ineffective and I had only a matter of weeks to live. I was finally going to tell you about it this Saturday."

"It struck me very hard that I would be leaving you and Jeremy and Kim. I didn't know what to do or how to tell you or the kids. One thing that also kept going through my mind was that I was so young and really hadn't lived yet."

"Sometimes when you aren't around I went to X rated sites on the computer and watched certain sex acts that really turned me on. I always wanted to do some of them but I never mentioned it to you because I was afraid you'd lose respect for me. I wanted your memory of me to be unsullied with thoughts that I was a slut. So I was in a terrible quandary and my judgement was clouded by the thought my time was running out fast. I wanted the experience of being a slut before I went, but the one who I should have talked to about it was you. But I didn't want you to remember me as a slut."

"I knew that Chad was into pornography because I'd hear him talking to a couple of other guys in the office one day when they didn't know I could hear. So I got up my nerve one day and asked him about it and he admitted to having a bunch of videos that he could show me. So, one afternoon we went over to his place and he put on several X rated videos. They got me so hot that we got involved. It wasn't as good as I'd hoped it would be or as fulfilling as when we did it, but I kept hoping it would get better. We even did it in our guest room a couple of times as you know. I would never let him in our bed. The last time we did it was in the guest room and I tried to make it as good as the videos showed it to be but I couldn't enjoy it and I finally convinced myself that it was never going to get better so I ended it with him. I know that what I did was terribly self- centered on my part and I did it without thought of you or our children. My only excuse is that when I received the word that I was terminal with only a few weeks or months to live my mind went blank and I could only think about myself."

"Now I want to sincerely apologize and be allowed to come back home and spend the time I have left with my family. There is no way I can ever atone with what I've done and I can't ask you to forgive me but I hope you can some day. I know that your respect for me I tried to preserve is totally gone because of my actions. I'd hoped when I started my affair that I could act like a slut and keep it a secret because I knew if you found out you would take the actions you did. I'm ready to take what ever punishment you want to give me because I need in my soul to be cleansed of the sins I've committed. You are the one I love and respect above anyone else and I need your punishment for my absolution."

I sat there for a few minutes after she had finished looking at her. She had turned her face down looking at the table and continued to do so, waiting for my response. Finally, I determined what I needed to say in response to her confession..

"Joan, I'm so very disappointed that you did what you did and not come to me first and that you .so completely shut us out of your thinking and your life. I can understand the shock when you were informed about your shortened mortality, but to completely cut yourself off from me because you wanted to do something that you were afraid I would have found offensive is beyond my reasoning ability. I would have gone along with anything you wanted to do. My love for you would have transcended all thoughts of withholding myself from just about anything you needed. I am your husband and when we married we became one entity with love as the cohesive force binding us together..I should have been the one to support you in what you wanted to do."

"It seems almost funny now, but during our married life I've wanted to do things in bed with you, but I was afraid you would reject me and lose your respect for me. Now I find out we had the same desires, but we never communicated with one another about them and look where its gotten us."

"As they say, its all water under the bridge now and yes, I want you to stay home here with us as long as you can. You've made a terrible mistake that I'm struggling to forgive you for, but I have a better understanding now regarding the 'why' of your actions and maybe that will help me come to grips with it. Maybe you should sleep in the guest room for awhile until the dust settles a little."

"I'm probably going to have to hire someone to come in and do the laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. We may have to eventually convert the dining room into a bedroom for you when you can't get up the stairs anymore, but we'll worry about that later."

"Thank you Frank. I appreciate being here with my family and I'll try not to be a burden."

"I don't want you to think your going to be a burden. Its our responsibility and we will do whatever is necessary to support you. You're my wife and you're their mother and nothing will be spared in time or money for whatever time you have left.

"Thank you honey." she told me as she reached tentatively across the table and took my hand.

"When the kids find out about you're condition its going to be hard on them. Its going to come on top of me leaving you and that hit them pretty hard. I told them we'd have a family meeting to discuss everything when they got home from school."

Her face saddened again as she thought about our children.

"We have to do it, I guess. They're old enough now, but its still going to be hard; specially on Kim." she acknowledged while she continued to grip my hand. I didn't pull away from her.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

.The meeting with the kids took place soon after they got home from school. Kim exhibited her joy to find her mother back home whereas Jeremy was less demonstrative but seemed relieved to see her again. They both wanted to know if we were still mad at one another and if we were back together for good?

We assured them that mom was back home for good but some problems still needed to be worked out in our relationship and their mother would be sleeping in the guest room for awhile.. I assured them that the problems would be worked out soon and they seemed satisfied.

I guess it was my job to go on to the family discussion that was not going to be pleasant, but had to be done and put behind us so we could go on.

"You know guys, there are some other changes that we need to talk about. Your mom won't be going back to work. She'll be staying home and we're all going to have to help her as much as we can. We'll be hiring someone soon to come in and help while I'm working and you're in school so she won't be alone."