You Don't Choose Love

You told me you're no big fan of Christmas; neither am I. But perhaps we could be morose together then?

You probably have very good reasons for being reserved and wary of people. I know they can hurt you. I can't vouch for my not being an idiot at times; but I can assure you I'd never consciously hurt anyone.

Oh well. What I am really trying to say is that if you should ever feel like visiting me, you are welcome at any time you want, and for any length of time.

Once again, a happy birthday!

Yours,

Harold Danvers

The letter ended with his address, somewhere near Tunbridge Wells, and his telephone number.

She said nothing. Lisa looked at her questioningly. Karen passed the letter to her.

Lisa read the thing in silence. "He does like you, doesn't he?" she questioned. "What about you?"

"Oh, I don't know, I think I... No, I just don't know."

"Do you allow yourself to think clearly?" Lisa asked playfully.

"Oh, stop it. Please!" Karen said. "Life's difficult enough."

You are difficult enough, Lisa thought, but she said, "Alright. Do these dolls always come in boxes like that?"

"I don't think so. I suppose he must have made it himself." She realised with a pang that if he had, he must really like her a lot.

"So what are you going to do with that doll?"

"I'm going to put it next to the photograph." And so she did.

Over the next week or so Karen tried to brace herself to the task of responding to the parcel. But she kept putting it off, and eventually she didn't dare to do so any more.

It had grown cold. December was well on its way to Christmas, and Hal had almost given up the hope of hearing from Karen again. Still, he went out and bought a small Christmas tree. He put it up in the living room and decorated it with bells, birds and a couple of real candles. He disliked the idea of having an extra lamp about the place. He put all the birds he had in the tree apart from the two small, white porcelain doves that had been his parents' and that had been on the top branch when his wife was still alive.

He had bought a necklace that would go well with Karen's eyes, he thought. If it was no go, then he had at least got a nice necklace, but he didn't deem his chances were too favourable any more.

Three days before Christmas Lisa rang at Karen's place. "Hi you," she said as she went in. "So are you going to spend Christmas with Hal?"

"No," Karen said, almost inaudibly. "I haven't even thanked him for his present. I - I just don't dare. And the longer I put it off..."

"Now come on," Lisa said, for once not caring if she trod on Karen's toes or not. "You can't do that! That's ridiculous! And from what I read in that letter he'll be only too happy if you call, if only to say thank you decently."

"Yes, I suppose you're right."

"Go ahead then girl," Lisa said.

Karen took the letter from her purse and dialled the number. To her great relief Hal didn't answer the phone. "This is BT -" a female voice started. She put down the phone.

"Not at home," she said.

"You will try again tomorrow, won't you?"

"Yes, I will," Karen said with a sigh.

"Promise?"

"Promise," Karen replied.

That night Karen had great difficulty falling asleep. When she finally did, she was plagued by dreams. In the final one she did get through to Hal. She saw him while she called; he was in bed, and there were two young women crawling all over him. They were all stark naked. "Telephone, Hal," one of them giggled, while the other one was crawling up to his crotch. "Probably that Karen woman," she said. Karen was furious. What are those girls doing in MY place, she thought - and then she woke up with a start.

She was in a rotten temper all day. She was fuming and couldn't get the dream out of her head. When Lisa called on her that evening her anger hadn't subsided yet.

"I'm not going to call that rotter," she spat at her.

"Hullo," Lisa said, "what the matter with you? Another letter gainsaying all he said in the first one? Your period? Migraine?"

Karen started to cry. Lisa went to her and tried to comfort her; she had a lot of difficulty understanding what Karen tried to explain through her sobs.

"Right," she said. "Now you give me that letter, and I'll call him. I can't have you messing up your life continuously."

"It's in my bag," Karen said and she started to cry again.

Lisa took her cell phone. She punched in the number and went to the kitchen, leaving Karen to dry her tears in her own time.

"Hello?" Hal answered.

"Is that Hal?" Lisa asked.

"Speaking," he said.

"Look," she said. "I'm calling on behalf of Karen. She -"

"There's nothing wrong with her?" Hal interrupted, and Lisa thought she heard great anxiety in his voice.

"Er, no. Not really. I'm her friend Lisa, and she - she's difficult sometimes. But - well, what I have to know is whether your invitation to her still stands."

"Of course," he said. "To the self-same tune and words."

"Excellent," Lisa rejoiced. "Look, I'll have to talk to her. I'll call you back soon."

She ended the connection then and there without waiting for a reply and dashed into the living room.

"Come on," she said. "You go and pack a bag with clothes, enough to last you a fortnight, and you go there tonight."

"But..."

"But me no buts, young lady. You do want him, don't you?"

Karen started to cry again.

"That's what I thought. Go and pack! Pronto! Stuff for a fortnight!"

Karen got up. She went upstairs to pack her things and Lisa made a couple of calls only to find that a flight from Cardiff to Gatwick Airport would be much too troublesome and British Rail would only get Karen there around noon the next day. She then called Hal and told him she'd drive Karen halfway. She would leave the M4 near Newbury. She said she'd turn left off the motorway and wait for him there.

"You don't mind it'll be late? It's really OK with you, is it?" Lisa asked.

"OK? I'll be having difficulties driving - you can't dance and drive at the same time. Yes, it's OK - more than OK with me. It's the best news I could ever get," Hal said, elation foremost in his voice.

"Fine," Lisa said. "I'll hang up on you now - I'll have to get Karen there. Be gentle with her, will you?"

"That goes without saying," he said.

"Ok then," Lisa said. "Cheeribye!"

She went back to the living room where Karen sat waiting with a suitcase full of clothes.

"You got enough shoes? Pyjamas? Underwear? Socks? Toothbrush?"

"No toothbrush," Karen said.

"Get it and hurry up! Spongebag? Make-up? Right then," Lisa said.

She unceremoniously bundled Karen into her car and drove off. Karen sat staring out of the window. She felt both crushed and excited at once.

On the way, Lisa kept up a continuous stream of banter; she wasn't going to have Karen go back on this. It was high time she found someone nice, and from what she'd heard this could very well be he, she thought. She'd known her for ages, and she had experienced her fall from a happy-go-lucky young woman to this reserved, frightened spinster who mistrusted everything in trousers - certainly not without reason in her case, but still -

The road signs announced they were nearing the A34. Karin felt a knot in her stomach. What if Hal didn't show up? Please be there, please be there, please be there... Then Lisa steered her car off the M4 and drove to the nearest parking place to find Hal impatiently looking down the road waiting for them.

Before she left the car Karen kissed Lisa on the cheek, saying, "Thank you very, very much, you're a great friend. Wish me luck!"

Lisa smiled at her and watched Karen get out of the car. She opened the rear door, got out her suitcase and closed the door. She turned around once to wave at Lisa.

Lisa started her car and drove off, somewhat more slowly than she'd come. "Here's to luck," she said to no one in particular. "You do need some!"

Karen was too excited to feel the cold. To her surprise it was after midnight - and Hal was waiting for her, smiling, beaming at her - she saw him standing there, let go of her suitcase and ran. She almost knocked him flat off his feet.

"Hal," she cried, "I am so happy with the doll you sent me - but I couldn't get myself to call, or write - I'll explain. You're not angry, are you?"

Hal took her hands and tried to steady her. "No," he responded with a gleam in his eyes, "I'm just glad you like her. From what I saw in the photograph she was rather like your first one." He looked at her and smiled, and Karen didn't know if she should laugh or cry. Hal took her face in his hands and kissed her cheek. "And I'm very happy to have you here. Let's go home."

He took her suitcase as they walked hand in hand to the car. Karen recognised it, and before long they'd passed Reading and Bracknell and found themselves on the M25. She was glad that he was driving; she could talk and not be stared at, she thought. Hesitantly at first, she told him about all her boyfriends and how she'd decided to call it a day, and how she's told herself she didn't want a close relationship with another male person again, and how he had almost broken through her defences that autumn. "Lisa tried to make me think, but I didn't dare permit myself to take off my armour. I must have been very unreasonable."

She was silent for some time. Then she said, "Remember what I said about the picture of my old doll? My nanny, an old woman then, gave it to me. When we left she gave me a letter to accompany it; I still have it. I thought it was difficult to read, and I think she had it written for me; she was illiterate. But I think I know it by heart. She told me the doll would eventually make for my happiness but it might take some time. One of my ex-boyfriends threw it into the fire in a fit of anger... and then you send me yours - it felt as if my past doubled back on me. And I saw the box she came in and I thought ... and I had tried to convince myself all the time that I didn't want you, and then, last night, I had this dream..."

She paused and Hal smiled at her for a moment. He touched her arm very briefly.

"Lisa had badgered me into calling you and you weren't at home and I promised her to try again today. And I dreamt I saw you in bed with two young girls, and I felt so angry - I thought they'd usurped what was my right - and then I woke up and realised it wasn't, and I didn't really know if you'd like to have me at all, and... Well, I was angry with myself, with the world around me and with you, and my resolve to call you went out of the window. And I shouted at Lisa..."

She looked at the road before her. "If it weren't for her... She made me realise that I really do want you. So here I am."

Hal found her hand and squeezed it. "You know, I did realise that you had a lot of defences up. I hoped I could break through them someday... Thumbs up to Lisa!" He took the steering wheel in both hands again.

They were driving down the A21 in silence when the first snowflakes of that year came whirling down. The outside temperature was too high as yet for them to make much of an impact, but Karen liked watching the snow come down.

"Look!" She exclaimed. "Isn't it nice? Do you mind if we try and have some Christmas together after all - I mean, we don't have to be morose, do we?"

"No, we don't," Hal said with a smile. "And I think Christmas with you must be awesome. I'll see what I can do." Then he suddenly wheeled off the main road. "A few more miles to go," he proclaimed. "We're almost there."

The snow had stopped again when they arrived at Hal's place. "We're here," he said with a smile. He parked in the drive and got her suitcase from the boot. Karen walked along with him to the side door. When he opened it a tabby cat came out. With her tail high she rubbed against Hal's legs and then sniffed at Karen. She rubbed her leg, too. Then she disappeared into the dark.

"That's Lottie," Hal said. "You don't mind cats, do you?"

"No, not at all. I hope she'll like me."

"It looked like it, by the attention she gave you. Welcome to my home," he stated as he stepped aside to let her enter. "Look, I... I know it's late - but I'm far too excited to go to sleep now. Do you think we could sit and talk a little longer?"

"Yes please, that would be lovely." she replied.

He led her into the living room where another cat was fast asleep in a chair. "Oh!" she said. "A Christmas tree! And oh, look at all those birds!"

He smiled at her and produced some glasses. "What would you like to drink?"

Karen came over to the cupboard. "Mm, that's nice," she said pointing to a bottle on the shelf. "I'll have some Drambuie. I haven't had any for ages."

Hal handed her glass. "Cheers," he said.

She took a sip and put her glass down. "Hal," she said, "I would like to thank you properly now." She wrapped her arms around him and soon found his tongue with hers, the taste of her mouth mingling with the sweetness of her drink as she finally allowed herself to give up her final reserve. She cuddled him in her arms, moved one hand to the back of his head and stroked him, and then she whispered, "I don't want a chaperone - no nosey parkers."

They looked at each other and smiled, then untangled themselves and sat down side by side on the couch. After a bit, Karen looked around seeing the room was quite comfortable and that there were a few watercolours, two oils, and a photograph of a lovely young woman on one wall.

She got up and went over to look at it.

"Miriam, my wife," Hal said solemnly. "She's been dead sixteen years now."

"Did you have any other women after that?" Karen asked.

"No, I never found anyone I felt comfortable with - nor anyone I wanted to make an effort for. Not until this autumn when I met you."

She returned to the couch and cuddled again. Karen put her head on his shoulder. "This is nice, I could sit like this for hours."

Hal put his arm around her, pulling her tight to his side. "I hope you will, you don't know how welcome you are."

They sat together in silence while they sipped their drinks, smiling at each other now and then. Karen put a hand on Hal's, and then she said, "Hal? Shall we go upstairs?"

He nodded. "I'd love to." They put down their glasses and Hal led Karen to his bedroom, a room with two large windows that got the morning sun, and a double bed that looked almost new. Hal had actually bought it eight months ago because his old one had become rather shabby. "This is my bedroom," Hal said somewhat superfluously.

Karen smiled at him. "Now let me cuddle you in earnest and get you out of those clothes." Hal had a nice body, she thought. No love handles, not flabby and not too skinny either. She hoped he would like hers, too. She put her hands on his chest, and Hal put his hands on hers and pressed them into him. He smiled at her and then he pulled her pullover over her head. She wore a thin top under it; and then he had her standing in her bra. She was well built, with the slightest hint of plumpness - just what he liked.

"Wow," he said. "You're even more beautiful than I expected!"

Karen reached behind her back and unhooked her bra, and then she stepped out of her jeans and panties. She stepped back and posed for him. "Will I do, sir?" she said in a girlish voice. Not waiting for a reply she took him in her arms, and pressed her breasts into him. He lowered an arm to fondle her behind, and stroked her back with the other, as she nuzzled his face. Then she let go of him, took his hand and led him to the bed. Her boyfriends might have been hopeless, but at least she had a good notion of what she did and didn't like. And she was certain she would get Hal to be a little less of a gentleman in bed - but all in its own sweet time.

Karen pushed him back onto the bed and crawled on top of him. She tickled him under his armpits - and he reacted in kind, and then bent down to kiss him, and felt for his cock. To her satisfaction there was nothing wrong there; he was erect and very stiff. It seemed to wake him up, too, for he started using his hands on her as well. She loved to touch him and to be touched and she could hardly wait to feel him inside her. But first she crawled up a little farther and touched his face with her breast. He sucked her nipple into her mouth, and she felt he really liked to do so - he seemed to know how to make her feel good that way. "Lovely," she thought.

Hal, who had been celibate for so long, felt overwhelmed by the realisation of how good it was to have this sweet woman in his arms. He loved to kiss and suck her nipples, and to feel her hair on his face, and he found her belly with his hands.

Karen kissed him again, and rose a little on her knees. "Right," she said, smiling. "Here we go!" She took him in her hand and placed the tip of his penis against her pussy lips. Then she wiggled her hips and slid down slowly. When she had all of him inside she moved her hips to feel him even better. She gave him a happy look and then she looked at his body and scratched a nipple with the tip of her nail.

Hal fondled her breasts and bum, and alternately looked at her face and at the spot where his cock was embedded in her pussy. He started to move his pelvis a little and Karen felt his cock move inside her - only a very little, but still - and she stopped holding back. She bent down over Hal, found his mouth with hers and started rocking her hips and squeezing his cock. "I'm on the pill," she whispered. "You don't have to be careful."

Karen ran a wet tongue from his chin to his nose, and bent over to bite his ear. Then she held him tight and rolled over. She wrapped her legs around his back and whispered, "Go for it! I'm almost there!"

Hal didn't have to be asked twice; he loved the feeling of her wet, supple flesh around his cock and her tongue in his mouth, trying to touch even the farthest recess. "I've dreamt... of this..." he said to her in between kisses.

"Try and come with me," she said as she felt her climax build within her. She closed her eyes and worked her pussy on him as much as she could. Much to her delight she felt Hal come as he spurted into her again and again. "Ohh, Hal..." she whispered and pressed him against her.

"Karen, my love," he said at the same time. They lay together until Hal had gone limp, basking in each other's warmth, and then she opened her eyes and they looked at each other. Hal kissed her eyes and then he bent down and bit a nipple.

"Scoundrel," she said and pinched him.

They kissed again, cuddled for a bit in the afterglow of their lovemaking and then went downstairs for another drink. Hal wore his bathrobe, and Karen made do with Miriam's - to Hal's delight, since it was decidedly too small for her. When he had poured them another drink Hal took a little brown cardboard box from the cupboard and handed it to Karen. She raised her eyebrows.

"Just have a look," he said.

Inside she found a single Christmas decoration that consisted of two tiny white porcelain doves.

"It used to be my parents'," he explained. "And it sat in our tree each Christmas when my wife was still alive. It's not been used since. Will you put it in the tree?"

Karen looked at Hal and felt her eyes go moist. She nodded. When she looked at the tree she saw immediately that there was only one place for it and with shaking fingers she put it on the highest branch, right under the star.

She turned round and took Hal's hand. "Thumbs up to Lisa indeed," she said softly. "She made me realise at last that you don't choose love. Love chooses you."

*

(With apologies to Jeannie Kendall for using a garbled version of her lyrics.)