- Reviews & Essays
- The Big Five
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In this little essay I have written, I write about the big rules of the first date. This may not apply to a lot of y'all out there, being a much modern group, and while me, I personally am a bit old-fashioned when it comes to romance. For example, being that this is the 21st century, it now it takes a time of approximately 2.3 seconds to bed your object of desire, while I prefer to wait until the third second.
I suppose I will admit that this article is directed mainly towards men, as I have never dated a woman myself and would not (and would dare not!) to direct her on rules of the first date. I am neither vilifying women or men, or burning either one at the stake, though it is rather common to find men toying with a matchbook when they've ingested too much alcohol. A highly flammable combination, you know.
So, without further ado, here's my article:
1. Don't Be a Pervert - No leering is allowed on the first date unless the female leers first and therefore you have a "license to leer." But without this license? Do not look above her ankles or below her shoulders. Why, what we have right beneath our shoulders is sacred, with which we feed our young. Yes, indeed, Pamela Anderson have given us much to be grateful for. But in all seriousness boys, just because your date has her breasts hanging out doesn't mean you have to look at them. You must be a gentleman! But then, not to look at them would also be a sin. After all, she's gone to these lengths to entice you and all you can do is talk about a paper jam at work?
2. Save Your Money, Girls - I don't care if this is the 21st century or the 16th century, the man must always pay for the meals and all of the activities of the first date (and all of the subsequent dates, if possible.) Yes, most of us gals make our own money, but would we spend it on you? No, I don't think so. We will save our money until a more attractive man comes along and when he comes along we will have all the riches in the world and will therefore be all the more willing to buy him all the completes of a meal, including those little mints you get at the end of a meal.
3. Don't Expect a Miracle - After all, in most cases, this is someone you don't know well or hardly at all. This is not the meeting of Johnson & Johnson (which makes you wonder why you bought that baby oil...) I think all of us dream of that perfect first date; it has attraction, humor, things in common. Generally someone you get along with and would like to see again. Unfortunately, you will probably end up asking yourself "I put on underwear for this?" Most likely you will not like each other very well, as the female will keep primping in her pocket mirror (and while she is flawless, there is that potato skin in her teeth) and the male will keep talking of that sport where bulky men throw that funny-looking ball and tackle each other, and, while trying to demonstrate it, he will almost be hit by a car.
4. Be a Gentleman - In addition to paying for our food and endlessly complimenting us, we need more attention. We need you to open our doors, pull out our chairs, and, if possible, help us into the buggy when we decide to go home. Always compliment our appearance in a polite, non-perverted way, if at all possible. But don't compliment us too much on our appearance; after all, we don't want a vain man.
5. "Just Say No" - While I am not a big fan of the Reagans, dear old Nancy was right. To my fellow girls out there: Babes, if you're not feeling it, don't do it. After all, sex is sort of a funny thing. Interesting, but funny - like your Uncle Myer. Who would've thought you put one part of someone's body into another part of someone else's body and it would cause pleasure? And boys, as I said before, don't expect a miracle. She's quite the lady, this one, and while you are quite attractive, funny, and handsome, well, as all of us girls have said at some point, "maybe some other time."
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 12 years agoThat is the way that I did it, because that was the way that I was taught, by my father, to treat a lady. I only got a second date (and later a third date) from 2 women, but only the 1 that I wasn't attracted to invited me home. (I accepted when I shouldn't have, regretted it, and didn't enjoy myself. I learned!) The rules that I followed may have had something to do with not getting many repeat dates.
On number 2: if she orders a $500 glass of wine, don't expect her date to pay for it unless that is the least expensive option. Not that I'm saying that she should order the cheapest items on the menu! But don't order all of the most expensive items either. For example: If she orders the most expensive meal then she should be willing to order a midrange priced drink, and an inexpensive, or no, desert. Unless she doesn't want him to ask her out again. (She should remember that he might have single friends, that he could talk to about how the date went!)
As to number 3: One of my dates was really over in less than 5 minutes, though I stuck it out, due to her spending the entire date talking about alcohol when I had ordered a soda to drink and, later, mentioned that I choose not to drink alcohol. Of course I didn't order for her, or tell her what she could, and could not, order. (I would never do that!!!) But alcohol this, alcohol that, and alcohol the other thing.......... It got real old, and very boring, extremely quickly! And every attempt of mine to change the subject, fell flat. She obviously wasn't interested in what I was interested in and had nothing else going on in her life to talk about, and had to dominate the conversation. My point is that subjects to talk about should be a shared decision, and not boring for either person. At least give the other person a chance to talk. Also, a date where I have to do all the talking, because she won't speak at all, is a problem too.
Speaking of alcohol, if my date got drunk, I would offer to drive her home, or call her a cab, assuming that I didn't pick her up. If I drove her home I would make sure that she got inside and could get to her bedroom or bathroom. If she was passed out, and lived alone, I would put her face down in the bathtub, with her head turned to 1 side, making sure that she could breath, and maybe remove her necklace, watch, bracelets, and rings, putting them on the edge of the sink or toilet lid, in plain sight, just in case she vomited. But wouldn't I loosen any clothing, not even her bra (so she could breath easier), though that might be a good idea, it could be misconstrued, especially if the bra was a front-opening style. Nor would I spend the night! And I would definitely not have sex with her!!! That would be rape!!!!!!!! (Even if she was semiconscious, she could not consent.) And I wouldn't ask her out again!
Note: All of this is mute, I haven't gone on a date in over a decade (mostly because I'm too broke to afford it, but also because it was pointless), and don't plan to date ever again (being over 50 now does eliminate any realistic options for that type of activity). I've never been married, don't have any children, and no longer expect for either to happen, nor am I willing to live with a woman (I would have to know her REAL well before I would invite her to live in my home, besides I've lived alone for 20+ years so I don't know if I could adjust to sharing my home).
But it was an interesting article anyway!
Anonymousover 12 years agoOh these rules do make us old-fashioned gals sound bad. Here are my revisions:
(1) If she's showing, you can look. Why else would she be showing? If she'd didn't want you to look, then she'd be covered properly.
(2) I'd prefer to pay my share. After all, if you don't spring for all the expenses, then you can't say that I owe you anything at the end of the evening.
(3) Hmmm... I'm not sure what this one even means. Does it mean don't expect to hit it off with every girl? Does it mean don't expect to go to bed on the first date? Can't really comment till I know the meaning.
(4) Oh I agree. Be a gentleman. Hold open my door, "offer" to carry things for me (don't go ripping things out of my hand like I'm helpless, but at least make the offer).
(5) I would just say no on the first date no matter what. I'm looking for a romance not a one-night stand. If you want that, then go pick up a girl at a bar, don't make a date with her.
Anonymousover 12 years agoThis is just sad. I hope that either a) you were being sarcastic and I simply didn't catch it, or b) we never meet.
Anonymousover 12 years agoTo summarise, your five rules for guys on a first date are:
1. Don't look but do look
2. Pay for everything, it's expected
3. Don't expect anything because it won't happen
4. Be wonderful and complimentary but don't overdo it
5. Don't expect anything because it won't happen
What are us guys supposed to learn from this? That all women we might date are money grabbing users looking for a bit of pampering and a free night out and will ultimately give us the 'some other time' brush-off? Nice lesson! I'll choose to give it zero credence, but then I am a bit of a romantic. Silly me! It really was women that killed chivalry wasn't it? Such a shame!!
