All Comments on 'What's That'

The story is FULL of errors in grammar and punctuation, which interrupt the flow of the story by pulling the reader out of it.

One type of error you make OVER AND OVER AGAIN regards how you punctuate questions within dialog. Here are just five examples:

1. "...how can this be," she asked?

2. "How did you like my striptease," Laura asked in a voice that was trembling?

3. "...do you want this hot pussy of mine," Laura asked with a voice full of lust?

4. How hard do you think it was for me see you go off with some guy that would always snickered at me when you would get up and walk off with him," Jeff asked?

5. "You want me to quit my job, Master," she asked Jeff?

The question mark belongs after the question (just before the closing quotation mark), NOT after the dialog tag ("she asked", "he said", etcetera).

Here are corrected versions of the above examples:

1. "...how can this be?" she asked.

2. "How did you like my striptease?" Laura asked in a voice that was trembling.

3. "...do you want this hot pussy of mine?" Laura asked with a voice full of lust.

4. "How hard do you think it was for me see you go off with some guy that would always snickered at me when you would get up and walk off with him?" Jeff asked.

5. "You want me to quit my job, Master?" she asked Jeff.

Find an editor who will help you to fix things like this, and it will make your story FAR more readable and enjoyable.

-Rei

I will do that!

A good premise and the writing was decent enough that it wasn't too hard to get through. I thought things progressed too quickly, though. There should have been longer pauses between the action. More development of the story and the characters.

It seemed like you were telling the reader what you wanted them to know, and that's not good.

Finding the ring was a good thing, but then you fell off the truck by having every conflict easily solved in just a sentence or two. No build up. No heat. He goes from wanting his friend to having her as a sex slave... but we never got to see any interest in that type of relation ship in her 'inner dialogue'. She goes from wanting to be with her long-time friend straight to wanting to be his sex slave. And she seems to have a lot of leeway as a slave, constantly telling her master what to do.

And why get rid of the sexy neighbor? If he can control minds, doesn't it stand to reason that he can read minds and might have known that she was interested in him? And why was his new slave so adamant that he not bring another woman into the mix? That's not very slave-like behavior?

Even if we assume that he's happy with just his slave, part of being a slave is being forced to do things you wouldn't normally do. That would include other women. Getting all catty and jealous certainly doesn't fit the character of someone that's just been completely dominated by a guy with god-like powers.

Overall, I rate it rather highly because there's a lot of potential in the story and I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it.

As ReiDeBastos said it could do with an editor :) and as Ferrumitzal said, the pacing and development could be better; BUT, (and it's a big one,) it's a great story and I hope to read more!

Cheers and all the best

This might be closer to mind control than SF&F, although it definitely has fantasy elements.

If a ring gave me godlike powers, I would kind of expect it to give me enough insight to anticipate the consequences of my actions. However, Jeff seems clueless about what others think and what his actions will do to them. This cluelessness is usually a recipe for mass destruction and chaos. Even magic rings do not have an undo function to unwind problems and get people to forget them.

Jeff is portrayed as good, but all of his actions are egotistical and self-centered. He receives two blow jobs from different women. He turns one into his slave and makes the other forget him. He quits his job and uses his power to get rich as the casino. He gets one of the women pregnant without anticipating that that might happen. Even the two children he resurrects are only brought back to life so that he does not need to deliver bad news to their mother.

I like your writing style, but not the direction you took the story. If Jack is good, he needs to use his power to improve the lives of others through their empowerment and self-improvement. If Jack is egotistical and self-centered, he needs to start finding out about the damage he has caused and its adverse effect on others.

From a storytelling perspective, either direction will improve reader interest.

Thanks for all of the comments, they are much appreciated!

I am quite new to this, having only written a few stories. There is a chapter 2 pending at the moment, though after reading the comments, not sure how it will be received. I am going to be continuing the story, and will try to work on what has been suggested.

I wanted this to be a love story in the background, of a syfy story, using the mind control and very light BDS&M within it. He is supposed to be a decent guy throughout the story, will have to wait and see how that plays out! The reason he let the neighbor go was because of his love for Laura. There will be other situations in the story where this comes into play as well

Like I said, I am a rookie at writing, just wanted to see what I could come up with, so please excuse me for starting the story out like I did. When I first started on the story, I really was writing from the hip! Now that I am 2 chapters in, the ideas are flowing. I am learning as I go for sure!

If there is anyone that would like to volunteer to work with me as an editor, I would really appreciate the help!

Again, thanks!

But why did he not use the Ring to make Laura and Sarah except that Laura would be his wife Slave and Sarah would be his Slave. Now that they know he can use the Ring to increase his Earnings. he should goto Reno & Las Vegas Then take a Honeymoon to the Mediterranian . THen find a friend and use them to invest his Winnings.

Just, you're doing good. The first few stories are always something that we work at, so don't feel like you're getting dogpiled. Constructive criticism is usually because people like the story and want to see it continue, improving as you go.

The biggest issue I had was that you jumped so fast into all of it that you didn't give the story time to develop. As soon as there was a hint of conflict, you resolved it immediately and permanently. That makes for a rather boring tale because you're forced to keep bring up action scenes that are immediately fixed.

To continue with the parts you've already established, I would involve more members of this mysterious family. Maybe have another member try to get the ring back. Maybe jump sequence a bit and tell some of the story from the early days of the ring, or how the ring wound up in a box in a derelict building. I mean, really, this ring is so important that it spent months/years in a dusty box? Why wasn't it being worn by a family member? What happened to the previous wearer if they had god-like powers and were invincible?

You imply that the ring has some level of sentience, so play on that. Is it a corruptive force? Will it try to get the protagonist to do things?

Laura's past? How long has she wanted to be a sex slave? Where did that come from? Usually, a woman that has those fantasies does so because she wants to be "forced" to do naughty things that society wouldn't approve of. However, you never once made any mention of that when she was talking. All through her introductory scene, things just went so smoothly... but we never once saw a hint that she liked being controlled and dominated until she just blurted it out afterwards. And as far as sex slaves go, she's very bossy and demanding. That doesn't jive with the fantasy.

Overall, good story. Just slow it down a good bit and let the story develop itself.

Variety is the spice of life, dude

Ferrumitzal, lol, some of what you advised to do, is already in the pending Ch.2, and some in ch 3 which I am writing now...... great advice from all of you! I actually wrote ch 2 the same day I wrote the first. Hopefully, I edited it correctly after what some of you pointed as grammatical errors and will read much better than ch 1 did.

Believe or not, I wasn't really thinking of a long story when I first started writing this, which is why I rushed the story the way I did. I'll do my best to slow things down!

I have always enjoyed constructive criticism and really appreciate it! It is helping with the ideas for the rest of the story.

Keep it coming, please

Maybe have him modify her body: hair color, boob size, her clothing. Have him use levitation or make her a sexy smoker. He could change her into an inanimate object if he has another woman near. Excellent beginning.

i loved the story and see a lot of potential.....all you need is a little proof reading to correct the little mistakes..........george