All Comments on 'Closer Than Cousins Ch. 03'

Really good tone, especially in the beginning. Fragments are ok as long as they're controlled and IF they work better than sentences. You may want to look over some of yours. You need work on paragraphing and patience, letting the story evolve and write itself. You rushed to the end.

Good Luck,

Crwth

Nice shooting regardless of the truth!

I liked the gentle way she kinda forces into sex.

Lukas

To much info missing from the Neglected Son series. Like how Mindy and Renee died. If Renee ever came out of her coma and stuff like that.

Seriously, you have got talent. This story was so amazing. Its nothing like some of the trash ive found here. Yours actually brought me to tears.

Kit "But its wrong"

Swan "I dont care"

was what did it. It had real emotion in it. I'll make sure to read more of your stories.

Vanessa

story, where everyone is equally bad, greedy, etc., and all, in their own turn, get punished for it! normally when we read, we prefer a main protagonist or a few we can identify with, but this story was told in such a way that we didn't have to root for any particular character to enjoy it,,,

Looks like we're now headed into "Days of our lives" territory. Damn it though, you've got me hooked! Need more now please?

Didn't see that comming. Haven't read Neglected Son yet and this story stood on it's own very well. Really enjoyed it.

I read "Closer than Cousins" before "The Neglected Son," but after I read the first part, the second part made a lot more sense. (At the conclusion of "Closer," I just kinda said "Huh?") Seriously, you write very well, the story is paced about right, and the plot is incredible. I would agree with the poster who said there was a lot missing from the 19 years between, but I don't think that's a fatal flaw. (Ahem!)

All in all, the erotic writing in "Closer" is a lot better than in "Neglected," because it just unfolds naturally and very sensuously. I believe they really love each other. In "Neglected," the sex is all about revenge and that's not nearly as satisfying. Almost pornographic.

The fuck was that?

I found "Closer Than Cousins" to be highly unsatisfactory follow-up to "The Neglected Son". If this was a courtroom, I'd be raising my hand over and over again objecting "Assuming facts not in evidence, Your Honor!"

There's the whole disconnect where at the end of "The Neglected Son", Chet promises that his two children will grow up in a loving family environment that he never had ["The important thing, perhaps the most important thing of all, is that these two will never be abandoned and sent away, like I was. They will grow up in this house, happy and well, loved (sic) and treated like the little prince and princess that they are."], and yet throughout "Closer Than Cousins", Chet seems to have become the reincarnation of his asshole father, even worse than his father, in fact. It's made to sound like the kids were raised by some sort of Dickensian, wicked governess, Mrs. Reilly. Isolated, alone and lonely.

The whole deal of Chet going in to have sex with his paraplegic half-sister, Mindy, is just creepy.

In the next-to-last paragraph of "The Neglected Son", you said, "Swan isn't as big or healthy as Christopher" and yet in THIS story, Christopher is the sickly child. How did that change come about?

The whole deal with Gregor showing up and Chet supposedly having sent him to jail on trumped up charges? Where the hell did THAT come from? Why would Chet's dismissal of the staff after the family tragedy/scandal cause Parks, Gregor's father, to be ruined? If Gregor knew the truth back when the scandal originally occurred, why would he wait until he got out of prison to say or do anything about it? Why wouldn't he have AT LEAST told his father, Parks, the long-serving butler to the Hollister family, who was supposedly being ruined by Chet?

I found there to be too many unexplained developments and changes in facts for this to ring true as a sequel to "The Neglected Son".

............pitiful sequel (dammit). 'nuff said.

I wasn't satisfied. But I loved Chet

I am glad Chet got his in the end. That fucking asshole deserved to die. The part that sucked me was he allowed mindy and Renee to die. Rot in hell Winnie the pooh. This needs one last chapter to finish up swan and kit's story and one without kit being a whinny bitch about being with swan.

You're a wonderful writer, and completely literate. These traits are at a premium around here. You get a lot of story out of a little volume.

That said, that was the stupidest fucking plot twist this side of a sleazy daytime soap opera. Snidely Whiplash shows up out of the blue, one kid immediately thinks he's their father, turns out the Uncle is a serial family rapist (who never laid a hand on the beautiful girl in the story), and the kid who has nuts the size of sesame seeds grabs a gun and shoots a guy in cold blood. All for plot expediency. I'm reasonably sure you could do better.

YOURE INSANE but I mess wit it tbh... nice

After reading Neglected Son and coming to the end, it gave me a hollow feeling. Like I had watched Chet go from seeking revenge on the family that forgot him to rapist. It was nice to get justice for Renee, yet I found far too contrived. The story itself was nice. It was good to see love blossom between the two characters. But yeah, the ending was totally ridiculous and that'a shame because it was written so well.

Really enjoy a story of cousin love, affection and baby making. I think you really do need to write another chapter to finish off the story of how Kit & swan progress their lives from here.