by angel_in_disguise
You would benefit from working with a volunteer editor. Use of commas and incomplete sentences would quickly improve.
More importantly, your description of the sex is hot but your characters and setting is unreal. What captures and excites a reader is to build some tension and suspense into your narative so the next move is not predictable. This sex was a cliche formula, and fairly absurd. I guess this woman was the most sexy who ever lived, and this businessman just off the farm. If the people aren't real, we don't get ourselves to engage as voyeurs.
But you do the sex very well. Keep writing. Just improve the plot and characters.