If you hadn't listed this as erotic, I'd have no clue that it's a bdsm or d/s poem. There is a lot of pain here but not much else for readers to sink their teeth into. It's not a bad read, wfeather, but it will be hard for me to even recall this poem later today, unless you give me a bit more. :)
The potential is lost with the rhyming structure. Rhyme doesn't fit if you're trying to present an image of pain; it comes across as too soft, a cerebral discussion about pain. The hard edge of BDSM just isn't there.
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