All Comments on 'His Beautiful Neighbour'

first submission. Strong plot line, good character develoment with well balanced mix of effectively paced sex.

...make it m0re romantic though.i really love this.hope to read more from u...soon. Thanks for your beautiful story. And pls, i want him to call her by her name...thats romantic.

Instead of posting a story this length, you should have posted say a couple of chapters at a time. Lengthy stories are a complete turn off.

Very good writing Please continue with this story would love to see how this relationship ends and who else he gets under his control.

I hope to see the next chapter soon. Maybe mom could get into the action, and he wouldn't have to sneak around trying to fuck his neighbor. Mix up some more potion and give it to mom. Thanks

... I'm not sure you have thought your main character through enough. James does not seem to have enough ideas of what to do except adolescent fantasies. There is little finesse and certainly no romance; even a little would have been welcome. At the mall there was the opportunity to buy fantasy wear but you skipped that. Your other main character is mostly Mrs Cinders but also Mrs Sanders and Mrs Cinder. I would like it if James allowed her to teach him more about sexual matters (he doesn't like giving oral sex?) otherwise this could simply turn into another BDSM fantasy.

This has so many possibilities to the storyline that it could go a long way. Forget what everyone that has had something negative to say about this, PLEASE WRITE MORE OF THIS. deserves to be a lengthy series. Forget what 'Far Too Long' said, it wasn't. It was a descent intro to the characters. And What 'Like it but ...' said, It should be kept as a young guys experiments in BDSM, no one expects him to be a MASTER first off.....You are on a winner here, please continue.

If this is your first submission I'm looking forward to more of the same. Good to see the characters discovering who they really are. Can't wait to see those toys put to use.

sod needs his surrogate mommy to feed him, craddle him, pay his dues, and cater his needs to dominate? Boy, a potion like that could make a guy rich...

Awesome ;)

dude you needa cut this down... waay to long.

Do you mean some parts of it should be taken out as it is too long-winded or that it should be broken down in smaller chapters?

If it's the former, well, that's your opinion. My work stands as it is.

If it's the latter, why does it matter if there's one long or three shorter?

Honestly, I'm usually thrilled when I start on a story and discover it's very long. Especially, if it's part of an ongoing series, as this is.

I'm not generally a fan of the MC genre as I have issues around the "suspension of disbelief." Which is why I enjoyed how you delve into your characters personal insights into her behaviour and how she actually enjoys the role of the submissive. This type of character development not only drives the story but it entices the reader. Well done, I'll be reading the rest!

Need to take time to develop the story, the anticipation, the seduction etc. even if he is using a secret formula. As it stands, they are already fucking on the first page.

I am really enjoying seeing how his dominant side is developing. So far so good!

;)

... only hidden by the flimsy bikini-top and the rounded curves of her hips, "

Her 'huge, well-formed breasts' are hidden by the 'rounded curve of her hips'?

Is she a contortionist?

You come in with the mind control angle and give him the ability to essentially 'magic' up whatever he wants. Then, instead of taking the world by storm, he sits there still being babied by his mom, solely focusing his lust on his neighbor.

To make matters more convoluted, you write as if the son is trying to seduce her 'after' he's already taken her. She's under his spell. There is no way for him to know what are her real emotions and what is caused by the potion. There is no reason he should preen every time she says something good about him in bed, she would do that no matter what.

Which leads to my final beef with this story. You came up with quite possibly the most annoying protagonist I've ever read. Not only is he moody, sullen, arrogant, naive, etc. but his constant outbursts and temper tantrums cause the neighbor to always be on guard and soothe his ruffled feathers - something that would require almost superhuman patience, no doubt an impossible scenario without the potion.

Lol, this kid is such a pussy it's ridiculous, but in bed he's some deranged asshole? Whatever, I always love the dominating stories and this one was pretty good although it really is more like mind control considering she had to take a drink to take his dick. Again whatever...it worked I guess ;D I am certainly not gonna read this for the story, but rather for the awesome sex scenes which you write pretty well.

I admit, I am a little cheesed out by the storyline. Dominance and submission in this series seems to be almost accidental. The fact that Mrs Cinder is hypnotised is somewhat of a turn off. I would prefer her to feel this way of her own will, or be tied down against her will--- but aware of the situation. In this story she is unaware of the actual situation, or so it is written thus far. However, the natural dominant side in James is a turn on. His frequent reference to porn is a bit childish (ironic?) but I suppose that is the point. I will keep reading because I enjoy the hot love scenes and his natural emerging dominance. I can see things improving as he learns, and hopefully there will be a happy ending, out of hypnosis.

Dont

Please post the Recipe for the majik potion.

Tks

Your story has potential, but it really needs some major overhaul. The protagonist is unappealing, he doesn't seem to have any idea what to do after he converts Mrs. Cinder. The dirty talk is good, but the description of the sex could be stronger. The trip to the mall didn't really advance the story. What was the point in bringing Mom back home? It's fantasy, let them have the whole weekend. There needs to be some element that is going to make the kid grow up and BE dominant. I wish I could say that I could do better, but I can't. I'm hoping that you can. Good luck.

Your story has a good idea but darn you take forever to say things and the story wanders repeatedly. I struggled with it for as long as I could but took you 6 pages to say what most authors can say in 2.

All of 1* !!

Is the neighbor 1) Mrs. Cinder, 2) Mrs. Cider, or 3) Mrs. Sander?

You REALLY need to keep your main characters straight.

But well written.

Bit long I must admit. Good thing is you kept the story line going. All part of the learning curve. I like stories of 2 to 3 pages. Also my favourites are incest and mostly Grandson and Grandmother.

You could make the ladies older, always appeals.

Hope there is another one for me now.

Keep writing.

REgards

Why would he need her hair to make it? It's logical enough that it required his sperm but her hair? She's gonna drink it anyway and saliva = DNA.

Who are the morons who think this is well written?

Who is the neighbor? Mrs Cinders, Mrs Cinder Mrs Cider or Mrs Sanders?

The past tense of orgasm is orgasmed.

There were so many missing words it was difficult to read.

She'd put on some rogue? Hillarious.

She told him to sit down beside him. How is that possible.

You really need an editor or to stop..

Loved the suspense end. You know, keep ' em cumming !

Writing is a craft. You'll get better, the more that you do.