first story?--awesome. will there be a part2? thanks
great story .. id read a second chapter
PLEASE TELL US YOU HAVE PART 2 ON THE WAY. YOU GOT THE BALL ROLLING ON YOUR FIRST TRY, KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK AND GOOD LUCK ON PART 2. KEEP THIS UP AND YOU WILL HAVE MORE FANS THEN SALLY RAND. THE OLD MAN
A chapter 2? Please!
Another round on the beach & maybe again at the house.
Possibly a happy ever after, them falling in love... her getting pregnant with a baby she's always wanted :o)
Nice work. Very hot.
The story content is damaged by the frequent and over use of "..." would read and be greatly improved by 99.999% less of these.
The person who left that comment seems to have a particular pet peeve with your usage of "..." to indicate pauses in speech. It's just that: a pet peeve. I honestly didn't realize how often you'd done that until reading his comment and going back to skim through. The fact that it didn't enter into my awareness tells me that, A) it wasn't overused, or used inappropriately, and B) the story was good enough that I wasn't so bored as to start counting "..."s.
For the record, when a person uses "..." in a story, it's to express that there's a pause in the dialog without writing "pause". It's an effective way to make the dialog read better, and to make it seem more natural as you read.
If the only thing you took from this is that it was "damaged" by the usages of that effective writing tool, then YOU are a tool. (Nice use of idiom and slang, don't you think?)
and then what
I hope there is more to cum. That was great.
Good development, good story setting, excellent scene and build-up.
Use as many "..." as you want....
Looking forward to the rest of the story.
Great storyline. Very well written. Hope you do a followup.
I hope we get to read more of them fucking and loving each other.
Thanks for the read.
For a first you've done a fantastic job. As everybody commented, except one lame brain, you need to continue this story. Keep up the great writing and hope to read more soon.
Very engaging story, and easily setup for a second chapter. Keep up the good work.
Ignore the comment from anonymous, they couldn't even come up with constructive criticism on what really matters, the story, plus don't even have the courtesy to attach a username to a post
So well done. I can imagine both men and women will enjoy this. Yes, I look forward to more from you...chapter two or whatever you choose.
I always wanted it to happen to me
I not only pictured the action I felt every lurid detail. You did well.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission!
orBack to A Day at the Beach
orMore submissions by jfun80.
Edit comment orSubmit Comment
Comment posted successfully - click here to view it or write another.
Title of your comment:
Your public comment about A Day at the Beach:
Please type in the security codeYou may also listen to a recording of the characters.
Title your feedback:
Your feedback to jfun80:
If you would like a response, enter your email address in this box:
Feedback sent successfully - click here to write another.
Login or Sign Up
All contents © Copyright 1998-2012. Literotica is a trademark. No part may be reproduced in any form without explicit written permission.
Terms Of Services|Report A Problem|Privacy
Password:Forgot your password?
Your current user avatar, all sizes:
You have a new user avatar waiting for moderation.
Select new user avatar:
Upload and save
User avatar uploaded successfuly and waiting for moderation.