by nevertheless
It feels incomplete or thin to me. There could be so much more atmosphere and character and relationship building.
For the first half of the story I couldn't figure out why it wasn't ranked higher... You have a really nice voice... Sweet, funny and a little vulnerable. Then it got almost a little "campy", which I also like sometimes, but the two halves didn't quite fit. Then the last paragraph made me think it was the start of a love story...if so, I would love to see another chapter.
This did turn me on, which is the goal i assume, so success!