All Comments on 'F5: Bluetooth'

Creepy and hot. Very well written.

Original and exceptional. You manage to string together so many elements into such a short story--humor, intelligent writing, that bit of creepy horror that stays just out of sight until the end--all while satisfying the sexual onus of an erotic author. Very impressive.

The wave of the future? Or here with us now? And if not, why not? ;)

There's good technique here, in that a lot of the time in a sex story the plot must be put on hold for the fuck scenes (assuming of course there is a plot beyond just a buildup to the fucking). Even if the fuck moves the story forward, it's necessary to dwell on the action in a way that's perhaps gratifying to the readers but doesn't necessarily serve the story or maintain its sense of momentum very well. Nature of the beast, and all that. Here, because the character's actions are not their own and because the nature of those actions is itself the story, the story is always moving forward no matter what they do. That's very good.

On the other hand, I'm a bit dissatisfied with the ending. Well, "dissatisfied" is not the right word, because it's admittedly effective. But it rather broadsides the reader. Someone will no doubt say that broadsiding was the point, and if that's the case then I certainly cannot say that it didn't work. But a twist without significant foreshadowing is self-defeating. Nobody would ever read a mystery story in which there were no clues for the reader to pick up on. This is a similar principle. Of course, it's hard to tease such a twist without giving it away, which would be almost as bad. So it's admittedly a difficult thing.

On the whole though, a superior offering. Cheers.

Nicely done. We get to choose how it ends. I like that!

I wasn't quite sure whether this was set in today's era or further in to the future. I feel it would work better if it were set in the future, it has that feel to it.

Quite the dilemma Gary's faced with. Here's a question I wonder if anyone has asked... what happens to him, if anything, if he makes what his Bluetooth voice decides is the wrong choice? Hmmm...

I really liked this well written tale. Nice dialog and I liked the overlapping fantasy within a fantasy twist and the dark ending. Nicely done.

I like that the ultimate choice was left up to the reader, good job I really enjoyed this one.

Good story, lots of fun. I wasn't a fan of the Bruce's accent. Made me think of Amos and Andy. Sex was hot. Good writing throughout and fun, surprise ending!

Warning: My comments will tend to be harsher than complimentary. It is meant to help. I hope that by identifying what *didn't* work for me, the author might have some insight into areas of improvement, so far as one reader's opinion goes. I didn't read the other comments, until composing my own.

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* First impression during and after the read. *

" . . . scheduling constraints unusual with our other entertainment offerings." Awkward use of unusual. Perhaps 'uncommon' would be better here. Had to read it twice.

" . . . out of a discrete sensual . . ." discreet, perhaps?

Interesting opening. Different.

I don't know what accent Bruce is supposed to have, but it's not working for me. It's a distraction and adds nothing to the story.

Catching myself skimming Bruce's dialogue, describing the rules. I imagine Gary would have done the same, having heard them 10 previous times.

" . . . underwear and put you pants back on." probably should be 'your' pants.

Getting interesting, with the commanding disembodied voice.

Better. Lost me a bit with Bruce, but our ladyfriend has things perking up.

"For the brunette." I like that. So direct, and such a nice quick detour.

The mystery is good. Where is this going? The writing is good. The editing good. I'm enjoying it.

Pretty brazen, telling her to taste him, in the vegetable market. Interesting.

Just an aside here, on formatting. If you had made the bluetooth voice dialogue in italics, this would have been easier to read. I think it would have helped a lot, in making that voice seem more isolated, more distant. My opinion only, and it might be crap.

" . . . tried to think for anything but the hungry . . ." I think you wanted 'of' instead of 'for' here.

Very hot. Naughty. Getting caught up in the story, going to page 2.

Nice twist. I can feel Connie's anxiety, Gary's indecision, and Bluetooth girl's excitement. Kind of mean to leave us hanging, but I'm fairly certain Connie's in trouble.

Great little story, creative use of the items, a little slow starting but a terrific last part. Very clean writing, which got better as the story advanced. Some awkward phrasing on occasion, but not too distracting.

* Favorite Elements *

The concept was very good, the disembodied voice directing things was exciting.

Using the girl in the taxi was pretty hot.

The final twist was great. Connie's first words, and growing anxiety was delicious. All three characters final parts were dead on.

Three fantasies going on at once. Nice surprise.

The Ending. (Although I have mixed feeling)

* Issues *

Bruce.

Too long going over the 'legal' details.

The Ending - liked it, but would really like to see Gary pick up the handkerchief.

Another chilling little story. The ending (and the buildup) to it was delicious and the open nature of it was an added plus.

Damn you're good.

Was enjoying your mini reviews of the Nude Day Contest entries, and then wandered over to your story collection, started with your poetry. They are good, very, very good.

And then this little story as an opener. You are unbelievably wicked, as in bad, evil, twisted and brilliant. The last line twist wrapped this story up perfectly for me.

Is there a line one can join, to fall in love with you? Damn. I'm going to read another story now...

Well done. That's all I can say, well done.

Chilling, and erotic at the same time.

Not sure if I want to... take matters in hand, or hide under the covers.

Well Done.