All Comments on 'Baby Sitter's Desire'

You need to read your story carefully. First she had on a thin t-shirt and when they get to the bedroom it has morphed into a button-up blouse,

She started out with dark hair and ended up a blonde. Great story except for those few things.

I wanted something about the next time he went into the office and thanked Rachel for the date, since it led to him finding love. I'm sure she thought she could string him along for a while.

I think that's a good idea and I will do it. The sequel will be very short and will put down Rachel.

I like how, it was MORE her fantasy than his, that led to the coupling. The timeline did seem a little off, concerning the length of his first marriage. 4 year old kid, but he was only 25? How long WAS he married? Did you say how long he had been divorced? I admit I may have missed it, if you did. OK, maybe those details didn't matter so much, but the timeline seemed hastily constructed, at best. Attention to detail, (as others commented) in the background helps to solidify character development. You can't be in such a rush to get to the sex scene that you haven't given us a chance to get to know your characters, and just what it was that brought them to this place in time. The idea, that one night of passion can so quickly turn into love (you know, vs. just getting laid), is more believable after first establishing the characters motivations. Here you seem to have "tried", but like other stories you have that I have read, strong character development continues to be your weakness.

I suggest doing an outline where you list specific things, beliefs, motivations, physical and personality descriptions of each character. Set it aside, and write in whatever way your process dictates. But in your editing stage, refer back to your outline, and see if what you have written has truly allowed these "people" to come alive, as you originally intended. This ALSO serves as the time to double check on continuity errors. I know some authors will state that coming up with backstories for their characters is even more fun then manipulating them through the plot. It is the characters that truly make a story unique and original.

Divorced Dad Fucks Babysitter!

It might not be headline news, but it IS a common theme that MANY people have done before. What makes it YOUR story, is SHOWING us who these people are. What kind of a girl lusts after her older boss? What kind of girl is still babysitting at 20? What are her plans for the future? Who is he? Why is he looking everywhere BESIDES at her, who is right under his nose? Writing about the great sex they ultimately have IS an important part of the story for these two, however, it is only just a few hours out of a long complicated life. The other details should never take a back seat in your story-telling IF you hope to get to that next level of success with your writing.

One other side note, SPA, I wrote a pretty long comment on your "slut" essay, and I was wondering if you had any response? Seeing you respond in comments here, made me wonder why you didn't respond to the comments over there? I was getting ready to send you a PM, since I am anon on this site. As long as my comment was, as I have reread it, I find I have more to say, or more I wish I had put in. But anons only get one chance to comment on any given story.... Oh well. If I sent you an email, would you respond to that?

Even so, good luck, and I hope to read and watch your writing steadily improve. The more you write, the better and (I dare say) the easier it gets. Thanks!

While a tolerable little story, this is not a Romance. It would be better categorized as Erotic Couplings...

VisualPerv

I really enjoyed the amount of editting that was clearly involved in this piece. I find that most stories here are hastily written and not at all editted. The grammar and spelling is off, and no one ever uses more advanced descriptions or verbs. I didn't notice the switching of hair color, so I guess I'll have to reread. I also think the comment about character development is a big harsh. This is a short story, not a novel. There were two things that really stuck out to me about this story: 1) it wasn't some sultry girl trying to seduce a helpless man, and 2) this dad was single and believably and understandably irritated with his lack of sex life. These alone ,in my opinion, set your babysitter/dad story apart immediately. I loved this story, and I will definitely be reading more of your stories.

He discovered that what he really wanted was right in front of hjim all along :)

10 stars! Too bad the rubber didn't break, and Cleo would take his love pee in her fertile pussy. Then she'd be mommy to her new husband's son, a loving wife, and mother to the new baby...