All Comments on 'Cultural Exchange Ch. 01'

Bravo! You've managed to paint a "word picture," that flowed well, and leaves me eagerly waiting for the next installment. Thank You!

What a great 1st chapter that I hope will be the start of many more. Congratulations on you 1st posting in Lit as well. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter. Thank you for sharing.

Its a great start to the story and I for one am looking forward to the next chapter. Keep up the great work.

this is great ty for your time in writing this its a great start

Truly enjoyable story thus far.

Thanks for sharing.

The offhand comment about two wives neatly permits (or foreshadows) marriage to at least both Ralya and Silna.

A great read, eagerly looking forward to more.

Great start, looking forward to the next chapter. Thanks again.

This is great.

What is going on? The past few months, there's been a slew of kickass stories in the NH & SF/F categories. WAY more than normal.

Welp, here's to yet ANOTHER story I'll be slavishly watching 'til the end.

Great also after a long time

Fantastic and compelling new story, thanks for posting and keep up the brilliant work.

You stated that your continuation of this is based on its reception, so I think it only fair that someone warn you, don't give in to critics and change any part of your story, just make sure you write lots of it, other than that, this is brilliant, and I would kindly request multiple novels of this, written and released as quickly or slowly as befits your personal preference. Good story, good characters and a bit overly technical, just as any story must be to initially set out a fantasy world in short order.

EPIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For me the best fantasy stories all have a good fight in common. How can you win a fair damsel's hand without one? Best kind. Please keep up the good work.

I'm not normally one for this type of story but it is so we'll written, it sucked me right in. I eagerly await the continuation of your story.

Favorited. Five stars. More, please.

I have been reading on here for a while now and I have to say this is one of the few stories on here that are well written and kept me hooked so many others are just (one and done) glad to see there are still some skilled writers out there. Keep up the incredible work cause I'll gladly keep reading it.

Honestly this looks liked it could be good to great but it feels like a first draft with the massive amount of commas and colons used. Not trying to be the grammar police, just trying to let you know that it kept interrupting the flow of the story for me.

Keep at it as the ideas and talent are definitely there for a compelling story, clean it up a bit more and you've got something special.

You wanted to push everything you could in this chapter for the sake of entacing people, without the risk of writing a lenghty first chapter.

Not the best way to start a story IMHO

I liked it, I hope you continue and complete the whole story.

I am thoroughly enjoying the world you are creating. This is an excellent story and even more so when considering it is your first submission. Thanks for sharing.

Great job with the first chapter, can't wait for the following chapters, what an exciting read, hope you continue with the story.

Excellent start, looking forward to more!

I really liked how this has started, and hope to see you continue to write as well for any future submissions.

I hope you continue this, I thoroughly enjoyed the imagery you've created thus far. Everything you've written so far has been well written, and makes sense. Why do I get the feeling you're an old school D&D player from way back?

Please

It's my new preferate story!

I'm loving every bit of the story. Well written, 5/5 stars in my opinion. Its about a once every 2 months that I find a story as pleasurable as this, I hope you will continue with it:D

~HappyCamper~

I love it

I enjoyed this, but the explanation for his ability to use a sword and shield and understand combat tactics is ludicricrously hilarious. No matter how much Call of Duty you play, you'll never be even tolerable at rifle marksmanship. Similarly, no matter how many times you watch Lord of the Rings, you simply won't have the muscle memory or strength required to survive in a real martial confrontation. You should have just had him get lucky or flail around to have made the scene more believable.

You have a point there, but if I explain everything in the first chapter, the next ones won't have any mystery and people won't come back for more. Taking your own example, would have read the full three books of The Lord of the Rings if you had learned in the first chapter about Smeagol's origin, the fall of Sauron and the battle of The Shire?

There are still many things to be told, just have patience

It seems power of will/ mind over matter will play a huge role in this series. So at some point in the story does he become a god/demigod through force of will?

Thank you for this story, please continue. It should be good.

Your story is awesome, unique, and addictive! Can't wait for more!

Right at this mment, the second chapter is in my editor's hands for the final correction. By the end of the week at most it will be published.

what interesting characters you have and quite a bit of mystery in this story and the world buliding is exceptionally well and the action is intense so are the love at first sight.

Great story. Need more!

this begins better than most novels that i paid to read - my heartfelt thanks.

Just a few quick questions:

If the portal between the worlds is small, (I assume it is small because they walk through it rather than take the helicopter), why do you talk about dragons taking down fighter jets? Where did these two things come to meet?

Did the dragon come through, (you made it seem like it was just humans who went into the other world), or are there different size portals?

Sorry, I'm a stickler for details and this was the only thing that really stuck with me.

Bravo again on the fantastic start. :)

I was about to answer you via private mail, but that is an answer scheduled for chapter three or four, and I think it would be rude to the other reafers that only you get to know it right away. I hope you don't take it as an offense.

Do yourself a favor, and find an editor who can help you with the technical aspects of writing. The sooner you do so, the sooner you can break some of your bad habits.

Hello,

First, I would like to say that I enjoy the general premise of your world building. I enjoy stories like this, in general.

Now, I'm going to start being critical. Understand that I am not writing to hurt you or to diminish your enthusiasm for writing. I merely hope some of what I say makes enough sense that it helps you in the future.

1. Disbelief: When composing a work of fiction or fantasy there has to be a general amount of 'suspension of disbelief' involved. In essence, the world is fantastic. Magic is fantastic. Supernatural beings are fantastic. Thus, to counter all of that disbelief, the characters, and their abilities, must be steeped in as much realism as possible.

Brandom is, sadly, too fantastic.

He has no training but from watching/playing Sol Calibur he automatically knows how to coordinate his body, time his attacks, and subdue battle hardened opponents who are physically stronger.

WOW.

I suggest a different approach. Instead of having Brandom be He-Man, because he plays video games, I suggest something different. Maybe have an inhabiting spirit? Or a godling infuse itself into his being? Like a temporary possession? That would be fantastic BUT it would be -within the scope of the fantasy world-, not merely unbelievable.

2. Convenience: One aspect I see, even in commercial works, is the oversimplification of events and plot by the use of convenient coincidences.

A. Brandon kills the Orc leader. Convenient to prove himself so well.

B. The Orc party kills the hidden assassin. Convenient that Brandon doesn't have to deal with that.

C. The only openly hostile character was Elam. Bam, he's gone. How convenient.

D. Ralya, the elf princess/leader, goes wet for him. How convenient.

E. Ralya wants marriage! How convenient to have social status thrown into the mix within 24hours. Brandon seems to be increasingly lucky. I am sure these acts will bring their own problems, but how lucky.

3. Consequences and Prudence: Another weighting aspect that must be taken into consideration when designing conflict is the logic of a scene. The ambush is illogical as constructed because of Elam,

A. Elam doesn't like Brandom, and perhaps Ralya, but in the group there are people he cares about. Through dialogue you let us know that he knew about the attack. Would you put the lives of your loved ones at risk by putting their lives on orcs and lizard folk? A bigot like Elam? I think the answer is more 'no' than 'yes'.

B. It is unreasonable to think that Elam, who knew about the ambush (or he wouldn't be a last resort), wouldn't be in a position to survive the ambush. Maybe looking for fish, hunting, gathering wood, something. The ambush wasn't targeting him (you made that clear at the end that Elam would be killed later) so there is no reason for him not to drag his sister (I think it was his sister? I forget) off as well.

Well, some of my points can be explained away, some of them cannot. I hope, whether you agree with them or not, that this post has made you think more about your plot and style.

My best wishes to you. Don't hesitate to contact me. I'm in the forums. :)

Montanos

As with all stories in this genre, the author gets to define the parameters of the world view we visit.

It seems like new rules are being written in each paragraph.

Your world doesn't make much sense. You can be recruited instantly, without the right to refuse, to be extradited to another world in a manner of hours? Seriously. And nobody is against it.

Second, your character is so boring. Seriously boring. There is no depth to him, no wonder, no motivation beyond "Here is the adventure, go forth". Nothing he does is because he desire it, but because the plot say so. He feels as what the cliche says he must feel and his abilities are so contradictory that it looks like a frankestein of a protagonist.

The thematic is boring, your explanations fatten up the flow and brake your narrative and it's, in the end, terrible boring. I never felt that I could care what happened to him, to your elfs, to your world, to anything or anybody.

It was a bad story, but you shouldn't feel bad. It's the normal fanfic you see in other fandoms but far from deserving the 4.3 it got. More like a 1.5, but meh.

Hope that your next novels are better. See ya.

Personally I am not here to shred someone's story. It's there' to do as they see fit. I read to enjoy a good tale and it was good. So keep up the good work hope to see more added on.

I recognise the influence of manga in this chapter, making me think of several I'm reading on one manga site (one of them being the incentive to post a furry version on wordpress).

I've only read part of the next chapter, but you've given me inspiration at one scene to build a story from that. :-)

Looking forward to reading the rest.

This reminds me of the Song of Albion book series in a lot of ways. Names based on accomplishments, protagonist like a fish out of water, etc. I'm interested to see where this leads.

Glad I found this story. The world-building premise is interesting, the story starts out pretty fast, events move along and adventures happen right away, then intrigue starts. Looking forward to the next chapter! I hope hidden abilities are revealed and magic items are acquired in the next chapter.

Some of your phrasing is really weird and I noticed a few of your sentences that seemed like they had been added to, actually made no sense. As though you'd tried too hard to make it poetic but had mangled the wording to the point that it breaks the immersion. Then there comes a scene, where our protagonist is fighting and suddenly realises he's using fighting techniques from films and games. And he's proficient at them. With no training. Of course. So obviously after this the sexy elf lady offers/promises herself to him, he reveals the fact that he was sexually abused a child and then the kissing happens..... No, wait. He's just been transported to a totally new world he's not familiar with, thrown up his lunch after killing two Orcs and watching the guy next to him get killed, then remembers his repressed memories about being raped as a child and now he's in the mood for 'sexy time'?

Nah. I'm out.

and they seem to cover most of the comment I would write, so I'll summarize and add my opinion to the rest.

You've created a fairly rich world, and have thought of the social, religious, governmental and adversary aspects of the same. Your protagonist could have used more development, to bind him to your readers, before plunging him off to a strange world. This would develop more of an investment in readers.

I'm not sure about the 'draft' style of his selection. It goes against the grain of our society, freedom and such, ya know. It's a minor issue, easily changed in rewrite.

Speaking of which, this is very much a work in need of rewrite/edit. I saw a comment mentioning the next chapter is with your editor. If you have an editor working on your writing, you need a different one; this one either doesn't have the ability to thoroughly proof, or they don't know/understand basics of noun-verb-adverb-adjective relationships, let alone more complex issues such as proper punctuation, grammar, or the minute differences in verb tense.

The most glaring was a simple, noun-verb-adverb-adverb sentence where the first adverb was missing the 'ly' to actually make it an adverb. It was so glaringly, and shockingly abrupt, it was like hitting a fucking curb with a bicycle.

You need a competent editor. Hopefully, the one doing chapter two will be replaced, before too many chapters. I'm an editor, by nature, but some Lit works are just too raw, 'not ready for prime time', to continue. There's enough good in the first chapter to make me want to see where you go with it. If, in 2, 5, or 7 chapters down the path, even an old editor and voracious consumer of Lit submissions gives up, you'll hear from me, again.

Regarding the 'super hero in the making' mantle you've placed on your protag, you have covered yourself, and suspension of disbelief, well. You have laid the foundational stones to explain all of the 'magical', mystical skills Brandon seems to have. You've done what many have not, you've given clear reasons for him to gain real world skills from RPG, (role playing games), and FPS, (first person shooter? that is a class of games, isn't it? me <<< def NOT a gamer!)

Your first hint of using 'will' over physical exertion, a background of exercising, but not as an athlete, while slim on real world accuracy, (me << def AM an Exercise Physiologist!), it's enough a magic based world could work with it, given the chance. The reality of him immediately vomiting, helped, as well.

The human mind is an amazing, unknown world; personally, in times of extreme stress, I have surprised myself in what I did, without no chance to think. Little enough is known about the brain-body capabilities, taking the time to think about, and ponder, something as simple as striking the gap between shoulder armor, and a helmet, just MIGHT be enough the brain could recall and implement the action in a life or death situation.

Especially if 'magic' has even a small influence.

You have the basis for a powerful and entertaining SciFi/Fantasy multi-volume epic, whether the work reaches those heights, depends on the talent and skill of an editor. If not the 'Ch 2 editor', a more skilled Editorial Svengali can always begin at Ch 1.

(If I had a full roof on my house, my shop reorg'd and finished, my several car projects done, a YouTube channel generating income, and the rest of my projects done, I'd take on the editing, myself. But, I have way too much on my plate, already, and I'm no longer a young man, capable of 14-16 hour days, week, after week.

I hate to admit, and constantly fight it, but at 66, I'm only capable of 24-7, 10-12 hour days for about two months, then I need a week or three to recover with 6-8 hour days! But, hey, it's said 'keeping your mind active is key to ones golden years'. LOL

Thanks for sharing your fertile imagination, and for all the work it takes to put together a Lit submission. I certainly appreciate the free reading material.

Please take my harsh, but honest, critical criticism for what it is intended: a not too subtle nudge urging you to do better, encouragement you CAN do better, praise for what has been done well, and a sincere thank you for what you have freely given.

Let's see where this adventure goes from here!

Regards,

GeoD