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Myth 5: MEN who think about sex to much are perverts. Women who think about sex too much are "sluts." No double standard here.
They are probably related; if a guy talks about the kind of things he is into sexuality that's a little further afield than what his girlfriend is used to, she thinks him a perv. The reason she isn't very open-minded about sex is because society instills a belief in her that she shouldn't be sexual, so she hasn't been as open, with herself or her previous boyfriends, to really explore her sexuality the way she should.
And of course, perhaps she did actually open up to a previous boyfriend and he was put off, and she felt shame instead of acceptance. Probably an early relationship, when she was young, so was he, and being young, he was immature and stupid. He stupidly thinks that aggressive sexuality is a masculine trait and was put off by it in her.
I can't imagine a man acting that way; doesn't every man want a woman who's comfortable and open with her sexuality, and enjoys sex as much as he does? Silly, fun, playful sex; loving, caring, passionate sex; and nasty, dirty, borderline shameful sex too. All are fun, and in my opinion all are necessary for a good sex life.

I hate to blame "society" but I think it's true. I mentioned how men - well, boys - can harm a young woman's developing sexuality, but women can do it to other women too. Not just from me, but women have told me that women are even worse than men at judging other women for being sexual, too easily labeling them "sluts."

You destroyed your own story with your comment

In your comment you say there are two main issues and then turn around and list three separate issues under #1. Swingers are just unhappy people looking for a solution to that unhappiness with other people in a failing marriage. Offer any excuse you want, but at the end of the day the majority of swingers get divorced. Dumb story.

The job of foreplay

Concerning your comments: Back in the Fifties I used to read those men's magazines. You know, the one's that featured articles with titles like: "I Conquered the Lost Tribe of Amazon Women?" I remember once coming across a short item about foreplay that treated the idea that women needed to be warmed up like it was a new discovery--and maybe back then it was! Anyway, there was nothing in the article that indicated that you--as a man--would enjoy the effort you'd have to put out to get your baby going; it was just a sacrifice you'd have to make for good nookie.

To quote you: "a highly stimulated and aroused woman feels better during sex--beyond the obvious question of vaginal lubrication, extended arousal phase causes all the tissues of the vaginal wall to swell, making her both softer in texture and tighter around you. Now, what’s not to like about that?" True, but you're not going far enough. A highly stimulated and aroused woman's whole body--arms, legs, back, whatever--will feel amazing in that situation.

More anecdotal evidence needed

Well ask him next time if the couples were swinging because they thought it would repair their marriage. They're quite common in swinging and already on the path to divorce. It's a huge mistake so it wouldn't be a surprise to find them in counselling!

Needless to say experienced swingers avoid couples like that like the plague!


There is a name for this type of statistical error: a self-selecting sample. There is a LW reader (whose name I can't use because he thinks it breaks some copyright law or code of honor or something) who specializes in this type of error. He often mentions that his wife is a couple's counselor, and the vast majority of swinging couples she treats end up divorced.

Ummm...if the only swingers you ever meet are the ones seeking marriage counseling, wouldn't that skew your view of swinging marriages just a little bit? LOL.

Annecdotal Evidence

Another point I wanted to make was the "marriage counsellor" claims of percentages of couples in open marriages. As you point out, it was his own experience and numbers that came to HIM for counselling.

Most chat boards where areas like this are discussed warn you to go to "lifestyle friendly counsellors" to get an unbiased opinion or help. Someone who has at least a modicum of understanding of what drives a particular lifestyle, rather than a "thou shalt not" bible belt mentality. (A.K.A brain dead)

Counsellors frequently have their own agendas, faith based, pro-marriage, anti-abortionist etc. Seriously, would you want to go to an anti-gay counsellor if your problem was being gay.

Counsellors usually lay out their areas of expertise and preferred practice areas and would attract appropriate clientele. Those advertising "lifestyle friendly" are the most broadminded. (anecdotal evidence) :-)

Based on anecdotal evidence, a lifestyle counsellor could claim 100% of all married people are in swinging or open marriages.

Open marriages sometimes work out fine.

I've been married for 25 years and am in an open marriage. My wife and I have had several different sexual partners over the years. We've had our ups and downs, as all married couples do. That said, we have maintained our relationship quite well. There are times when one of us has gotten jealous of the other 'getting some' while the other isn't, but those are few and far between. As we've gotten older, we are both in our 50's, the frequency of outside relationships have slowed.

Has it affected our marriage? I don't know. How can I? I haven't had any other experience than the marriage I'm in and couldn't give an accurate opinion on the subject. All I know is we are still together and reasonably happy. We still fight on occasion. We still have sex with each other. We still sometimes pursue 'conquests' with other sexual partners.

If she gets laid by another guy it doesn't bother me, I actually get turned on by it. If I get laid by another girl , she seems to get turned on by that. When she has sex with another girl, I really want the details! If I decide to suck a guy off, she wants to know how he tastes, If I get sucked off by a guy, she wants to know if he's better at it than her. That fact that we are both bi-sexual might make a difference in why our marriage has lasted. Again, I don't know. All I do know is that it works for us.

It's all in your values

What you consider important. What is less so. Strong marriages? It's hard enough when things are going right. It's shit when they are not. All in all, thank you for your writings. As you have said several times. It's not for everybody, only the strong. Looking at my family and compatriots (and my own sometimes rocky marriage)...IT AIN'T FOR ME. Might be for someone else, but you have made it somewhat clear (to a point) it really doesn't save the marriage.

Thanks, gordo12

I'm sure that I didn't even scratch the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the various studies that have been conducted. Thanks for adding a few links. (By the way, had I known that was allowed, I would've included the links to all my studies in my essay!)

Re. open marriage, if one spouse is going behind the other's back, then it really isn't what I would call an "open marriage." If they had an agreement where they allowed each other to do whatever they wanted without the other spouse needing to know, I suppose that could be "open", but I have no idea how you would pull that off!

As always, thanks for your comments.

Here's another article al-revolution-polyamory/?WT.mc_id=SA_DD_20160105

My only criticism

it seems you use the terms swingers and open marriages interchangeably. I don't agree. An open marriage to me is the ability to have sex anytime anywhere with anybody without letting your partner know. Swinging on the other hand, usually is a do it together activity with rules and etiquette the partners have agreed on beforehand.

There have been a couple of psychiatrists that have done swinger studies and these studies have shown higher satisfaction rates and more open communication between spouses. Accordingly the divorce rates have been (siginificantly) lower.

Here's a couple of decent articles: e-swinging-paradigm/201310/are-swingers-freaky-and-d eviant winging-paradigm/201311/women-swinging-sex-and-sed uction

Re. Infidelity

Good point. I actually wrote a story on that very situation, called "Opening Up."

There are basically two main categories of reasons why a married person (in a monogamous relationship) would cheat on his/her partner:

1) Dissatisfaction with the marriage, unhappiness, boredom, feelings of inadequacy, etc. Basically, there are problems with the marriage.

2) Sexual gratification, either spontaneous or prolonged desire.

If a spouse falls into the first category, the marriage is doomed regardless of whether it is open or not. My original statement in this essay referred only to the second category. Presumably, a spouse in that second category would act on his/her impulses only with permission/knowledge of the other spouse.

Having an open marriage certainly doesn't preclude anyone from having a dissatisfying marriage. Some marriages will be dissatisfying regardless of the agreed-upon arrangement.

Thanks for your thoughtful comment.


You stated that having an open marriage negated infidelity and communication as reasons for problems in a relationship. This is absolutely not true. I do not engage in such a relationship, but I have known people who do. When a partner engages in relations without knowledge or consent of their partner it is infidelity, and it happens in open relationships as well as conventional ones.

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