A Different Kind of Triangle

*Author’s note: I wrote this one several months ago. When I was frustrated and started seeing someone else so that my throuple lover would know what it felt like to be me watching him with her. I have since stopped seeing anyone else. Because no one else is him. And because it was hard for him to see me with anyone else. So I’m back to him having me all to himself and me having to share him with her. It’s just as hard as it always was. I’ve kept this one in drafts for a while. But it’s a good one. And it’s part of the story. So here it is. 💜

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Younger me
Would have called
Current me
A fucking whore

(Current me
Thinks younger me
Was a naive prude)

Current me
Is in a throuple
With the man I love
And love to fuck
And his wife
Who doesn’t love to fuck
Who happens to be
My best friend

(At least she
Used to be
You
Are my best friend now
I have crossed
Another line by
Loving you
More)

Current me
Also has a guy
On the side
Who I like
And like to fuck
Who is single
With no strings
To get tangled up in

(Although he is
“Dating around”
And sees me
Only once or
Twice a week but
Never on Fridays
It’s enough
I need most days
Open for you)

It’s a balancing act
I have always
Lived an
Off balance
Life
But I am now
Apparently
Learning how to
Juggle
The man I love and
The man I like
With my eyes closed
While spinning
Back and forth
From one to
The other

(Man I like
Is a necessary
Distraction
And keeps me
From wanting to
Jump
Off the fucking roof
When I’m not with
The man I love
Because he is
Home
With his wife
It also
Stops my best friend
From worrying that
I’m fucking
Her husband
Because she *knows*
there’s no way
I’d be fucking
Two men)

This morning it was
You, my love,
In my bed
Naked and hot
Wrapped around me
From behind
Stroking my skin
Biting my neck
Pinching my nipples
Grabbing my hair
Holding my legs open and
Growling words of praise
And encouragement
Into my ear
As I worked myself
With my vibrator
Until I shook
And gasped
And giggled
And relaxed
In your arms

Tonight it was
Him
In his bed
Sexy and smiling
Undressing me
(As you had
Undressed me)
Touching me
(In all the places
You had touched)
Kissing me
(In all the places
You had kissed)

I had to
Work
To remember
Not to bite
Or scratch
Or pinch
(The way I can
And do
With you
He does not
Play
Like us)
I don’t mind
He is
Mostly gentle
Mostly romantic
With an occasional
Surprise glimpse of
Very mild kink
That catches me off guard
And gives me
Unexpected butterflies
It is a completely
different
headspace
Not one I want to live in
But
I don’t mind visiting
Now and then

(Does having
Two men
In twelve hours
Make me
A fucking whore?
Or just
A good
Fucking
Juggler?
And how long
Can I keep it up
Before
I drop a ball?)

You are
Made for me
My best friend
My lover
My almost everything
You are
Sweet and spicy yet
Gentle and careful
Possessive in a good way
And sexy as fuck
I am always
Safe
With you
I know you
Love me
But you are also
Married
And taught me
That it’s possible
To be with
To care about
Two people
At the same time

(I finally
Learned the rules
After years
Of tears and
Jealousy
And then
You changed them
Just when
I started
Filling the space
Left empty
In me
When you are
With her
And now I feel
Guilty sad
I want to
Heal my heart
But not hurt
Yours
But the bitch in me
Isn’t sad
Or guilty
She wants you
To feel
What I have felt
All these years
I’m not proud of it
But it is what it is)

He is
New and kind and fun
Gentle with an edge
Vanilla with sprinkles
I am a different kind of
Safe
With him and
There is no
Worry
About time
About who might know
About getting caught
It’s not serious so
Not a threat
Or a worry
He dates other women
But not
On nights
That are
Mine and
I make sure
I see you
The same days
I see him
Because
I want a part of you
A mark from you
Or at least
The scent of you
Always on my skin

The only
Worry
I have
When I am
With him
Is the look I will see
In your eyes
When you wonder
What I’ll be doing
What I have done
With him

It’s a look I know
All too well
It’s the look
I see
In my mirror
When I am alone
When I am lonely
When I am
Thinking of you
Imagining what
You are doing
When you are
At home,
Without me,
Being
A good husband
For her
To her
With her

(It makes me hate her.
Even if you’re not
Fucking her.
And sometimes
It makes me hate
You)

He is not you.
He will
Never be
You
I will never
Love him
Because
I only love
You

(But he is
The someone
That I can be with
Pass time with
Pretend with
Play house with
When I can’t be
With you)

I am not
A fucking
Whore
I’m simply
Lonely in love
With the man
I can’t have
All to myself
Not today
Not yet
So I’m living
In the space between
What I want and
What I’m not getting
From you
Not because
You don’t want to but
Because you
Can’t

(So sometimes
I take
What I can get.
And sometimes
It’s going to be him
Because sometimes
It can’t be
You)