- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Cancer
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Click hereHe tweaked a Herculean toe,
was booted into Space and
belittled by the Gods for
botching his chance:
catastered but cashiered,
stripped of glory.
Ashamed by defeat, dishonour,
he found, by some linguistic twist,
his name given over to
disease, distress and death:
no shell is thick enough to bear
such malignity.
The Dark Sign hunkers down,
too armoured to be hurt,
too hurt to care for armour,
hiding in the gaily crowded sky .
- COMMENTS
DawnJabout 10 years agoI enjoy the way your mind seems to work. :) It makes for fascinating reading. Who knew this would be about an astrological sign? I certainly didn't till the last stanza. That's definitely a smart way to keep me reading! I like it!
GuiltyPleasureover 13 years ago- I missed this until now as I troll through the past. Maria's right, the 2nd strophe is lovely.
Tess - adding five useless points
buttersover 13 years agoyou manage to take these ancients and make them perfectly current - and why not? they're out there constantly, it's only our own time-lines that make them ancient...
your last strophe is suitable squat, and i can see how well this will sit hunkered down amongst the other constellation pieces, 'hiding in the gaily crowded sky'. would i change gaily? no, i wouldn't. it reminds me of bright young things, party-goers, a little too bright, a little too loud, and contrasts so well with the darker brooding of Cancer. i think any problems others have with that word might be another cultural thing, perhaps - the connotations i read into it are pretty much down to oh so english reading growing up. :)
vrosej10over 13 years agoI don't normally go for this kind of thing but I like this one and it's getting a recommend. Might I 'brightly crowded' and you get bonus assonance off hiding, round out the last line?
Liarover 13 years agoI said about the other poem (Up the Downs) that your images were all over the place. Here you have a different focus. Still as loaded with noteworthy images, descriptions and turn of words. But all more closely tied to a singular idea. Makes for a much better result. Full score here.
PoetGuyover 13 years agoIs "catastered" a neologism (like catastrophe/astered, i.e., turned into a star) or just a word Poet Guy cannot find defined on the Internet? Poet Guy agrees with Angeline that he would not exactly call the night sky "gaily crowded," but he thinks that is meant for contrast, so is OK with it.
Angelineover 13 years agoI'm on the fence about "gaily" because though I understand you want to contrast the rest of the sky with your portrayal of Cancer, it ends the poem on a happy note that's jarring to me. But...I'm not sure what you could say instead to make the comparison but not sound too happy. Yes I am a pain! Also my comment is in the context of this being wonderful writing. :-)
twelveooneover 13 years agoYou know what, these type of things are usually my least favourite. But, this, well I would say is celestial (but that would be a pun). I love it! The use of language from low to high to low-He tweaked a Herculean toe,
was booted...etc. etc.'disease, distress and death:' bam! bam! bam! close to dead center. I could go on and on...I gave you a 5, because that is all it goes up to.
I hope the next one is as good!
