Dearest A

This wasn’t what I ever intended.
   You have seen a dark side of me that even I didn’t know.
   I am just amazed that you are still here.

You deserve to be happy.
   Who would have thought that with all of your daily pain
   That I would find a way to make it worse?

Why am I even here?
   I came seeking hope and even protection.
   The very things that you needed because of me.

But now you know the words: “I love you.”
   Those aren’t words that I say to you lightly,
   And I don’t deserve to hear them back.

What is it about you?
   The thing that most attracts me is your mind,
   Surgically altered though it may be.

I pushed you aside; I didn’t need what you offered.
   If I had talked and listened, just maybe
   Some of the pain would have been unnecessary.

I know why I need you -- you have changed my life.
   But, even now, I cannot understand
   What it is that you see in me.

I have promised you to always answer your questions honestly.
   And, honestly, I can tell you to ask carefully
   “Cause there is one secret I shouldn’t tell.

I always thought that I was one of the “good guys.”
   But maybe that was more a product of opportunity
   Rather than a real judgement of my character.

I need you, A. I need you to be with me.
   Because J just can’t see the real me,
   Even though she’s the only one who could.