Half-there

I quit drinking coffee in the morning
to prove to myself
that still having a heartbeat is a good
enough reason to keep my eyes open.
It's not.
I need a lot more than a pulse
to pretend like I've never prayed
over sweat-soaked
bed sheets
for a sign of something
relating to anything
worth taking for granted again-

like reaching the bottom of the sandbox
as a kid
because now I gotta hit rock
bottom just to know where I am again
and I stand corrected.
What goes around doesn't come around
to everyone
and I've mistaken vengeance for karma
more than once- the difference being
which one triggers my
guilt complex.

I don't know
the first thing about forgiveness,
but flinching at any given mention of
your name
probably isn't it. They say
these things take time but
I guess it's more time than I'm willing
to commit
so instead I learned how to block
my peripherals.

See, tunnel vision's a godsend.
You're finally out of my head.
I just wish you wouldn't stand so close to me. Please understand

I'm running off of survival instincts here.
I think this is what they call
self-preservation.
I've never been one to fight
so thank God you gave me the
fuel to fly. This is my goodbye
to expectations. You'd be surprised
by how few people get the opportunity
to experience the shift of
butterflies to beehives
in their stomachs and Know
that someone loved them enough to
force-feed them self-acceptance.

I've been starving
and while the scar tissue's still growing,
you can catch a glimpse
at the last place where this still meant something to me.
I swear I'm not angry.
I just know what's good for me

like bubble baths
and hours of guilt-free thinking
and long walks to the mailbox
to thank my mother for loving me
still
after two decades of tantrums.
I've never been the rational one but
these molehills really are mountains
depending on your perspective.
I swear I'm not a liar.
It's just hard to tell
the whole truth
the whole time
when I can't tell what's a memory
from what's a dream sometimes

so I bite my tongue
and the nails of every hand that feeds me.

I keep an arms length away as to not
read you too easily.
I feel everything
and while I've noticed my own
itch for something to ache over
is just short of a healthy alternative
to the drinking water,

my glass has been half-there
since the beginning.

2013