- Erotic Poetry
- i get...
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i get caterpillars in my stomach as I touch her,
their fuzzy skins chafe against my heart
when she is beside me
I am beautiful
i get butterflies in my stomach when she touches me
their wings beating against my heart,
her soft skin against mine
i want to cry out
to call her name
with her I am perfect
i get sparrows in my stomach when I am away from her
their tiny beaks ripping at my bowels
sharp stabs of pain
without her the streets become narrow, the sky closes up
without her I am mortal,
lonely,
lost,
like everyone else
I feel distance, cold, heat and sorrow
with her I feel nothing, except her soft skin against mine.
- COMMENTS
buttersabout 13 years agothere are also some small edits i would suggest (take or leave, no worries and please no offense intended, just ideas offered) that would create an even smoother write imo:
i get caterpillars in my stomach as I touch her,
their fuzzy skins chafe against my heart
when she is beside me
I am beautiful
you don't need 'against' in that line at all. it works better without. i really really like the sentiment expressed in L's 3 & 4. i think you could also lose 'i get' at the start of the first three strophes without weakening anything. they're redundant. and why the change between 'i' and 'I'? is it meant to show the narrator feels more alive when skin to skin with 'her'?
so:
caterpillars in my stomach as i touch her
their fuzzy skins chafe my heart
when she is beside me
I am beautiful
--------
i get butterflies in my stomach when she touches me
their wings beating against my heart,
her soft skin against mine
i want to cry out
to call her name
with her I am perfect
L2 - lose your 'ing' - 'their wings beat against my heart'. we already know she is touching you, so you could cut 'her soft skin against mine' (clichéd as old hats) and then amalgamate L's 3 & 4 to make one - like i want to cry her name'. this would give you:
butterflies in my stomach when she touches me
their wings beat against my heart
i want to cry her name
with her i am perfect
------------
so, if you lose your 'i get' again here below, and 'away', it says the same thing but in a tighter way. still your image, still showing us how it feels, but without the excess. L2 you could drop 'their' or 'tiny' if you've a mind to, and make 'ripping' into 'rip'. i'd also suggest bringing up 'without her' to the end of L3, and make L4 'streets become narrow, the sky closes up'.
so, from this:
i get sparrows in my stomach when I am away from her
their tiny beaks ripping at my bowels
sharp stabs of pain
without her the streets become narrow, the sky closes up
to this:
sparrows in my stomach when i am from her
their beaks rip at my bowels
sharp stabs of pain without her
streets become narrow, the sky closes up
and that is where, for me, your poem naturally concludes. the rest doesn't add anything to it dramatically, doesn't give any new insight... sorry if it looks like a lot, it's really not. the odd word here and there, the chopping of the end. this is all yours, i just gave it a tickle. others might be concerned with the caterpillar to butterflies to sparrows thing not being quite in-line, but i'll go with the link created there by the wings making it work ok. :)
