Mon Amour, Ma Douleur

(This was written some time ago)

At some point in life
I drew a weary card
My hand already black with soot
And ugly scars

Though burned, I managed to proceed
With this hand I have been dealt
And everytime I see it
I remember how I felt

Sometimes I was lonely
And sometimes I was dark
And sometimes I awaited
For that one single spark

And then one day, you came along
And made everything so grey
I knew then as I know now
It would be someday

You'd end up breaking my heart
As so many had before
And though the pain will never end
So long as I keep opening that door

My hand still reaches for it
Everytime you come near
And it is for this reason
I won't ever hear

Your solemn cries for saving
Your heartfelt pleads for a friend
Your apologies mean nothing
Your love's bitter end

Both of us are waiting
For a day when we shall share
Our thoughts within all honesty
But honestly...do you still care?

I find myself with a key
And a lock in the other hand
And I look at myself in the mirror
And all I see is barren land

And I wonder to myself
Should I lock my door?
Should I, could I close myself?
And love another nevermore?

A single tear slips down my face
As I look once again to my reflection
And my features slowly fade away
To reveal your paled complexion

And another follows suit
As a finger reaches out
To dry your face with a loving caress
And force myself to doubt

I remember you once told me
That I was more than life itself
And now I wonder how it must have been
To lie to me, to yourself

I look again at your face
So alluring it used to be
So much I would stare for hours
And fantasize of you and me

And the blackness surrounds me
Alone, with my doorframe to support
My loneliness, my emptiness
My never-ending plea falls short

I turn my face away
Because I can't bear to see you now
Even though you are a part of me...
I just can not allow

My senses to reign free again
For I've already paid with my soul
My heart turns black at the memory
My mind I can't control

And I take your outstretched hand
The lines of time worn thin
You draw me close and I can do but naught
To still the raging pain

Your embrace once was a haven
My delight I took in being free
And now I place my lock upon my door
As I die again to be me

All of this has taken
It's toll on me more than twice
And I plead with you, I BEG of you
Please don't be so nice

You hurt me, as no one ever has
As no one ever will
And I can't trust you, so why must you
Come back and kill

Any hope I had of regaining some kind of composure
Because you like the thrill?
Or is it that you're as lonely as I am
Now that she's gone, and you're so much less than filled?

It's funny when I read your prose
And I constantly berate myself
Because every time I do I never see anything other
Than her name beside yourself

Never once have I seen a single word for me
All I have to keep me warm are the tainted memories
And every time you come to me you reassure me it's not true
That you never loved me, but I can't believe it when I just can not trust you

And I WISH LIKE HELL I could take it back
That I could somehow erase our past
Even knowing then, knowing when it all crashed down
I couldn't make it last

And I wish like hell I'd had more time
I wish that moment never had to end
I haven't felt it in so, so long
And I miss it more now than then

And I look into my own past
And I see that one single face
The only one I'd ever felt the same
In distance as I did replaced

He was more to me...than anything
And no one will EVER know
How it crushed me when he took his life
...the feelings that little girl would never show

But she still does feel them
Even though time has passed
And the one thing constant, the one thing stable...
She never expected to last

But it did, longer than she had hoped
And yet so short a time
And now I wonder how she made it
Through the paradigms

I'm no longer a little girl
This I know, but I have yet to teach my heart
I only pray you'll give it back
Before, once again, we part.

I wish I could move on
Forget or somehow heal
You'll never know how deep you cut
You'll never care to deal

My problems surely aren't on your mind
My feelings apparently never were
But if you can't cope with what you've done
This is ALL I have to say to you, in return

I hope YOU do well in life
Because you'll never be truly loved
When all you do is backstab
Everyone who isn't good enough

I hope YOU do well in love
Because you talk such a sweet, sweet game
And anyone worthy enough
Is sure to feel the lingering pain

I wish you luck in your endeavours
Because you wished me luck in mine
And someday I may even trust you
When you apologize this time

You hate it when I lash out at you
And you hate the reminders of what you did
I wonder if you truly regret
Every motive that you hid?

I wish there were a way
That I could trust you when you say you're sorry
But actions speak louder than words
And I've seen none to parry

Each thrust of the sword you bury in my back
Each word you never say
Each phrase you overuse
And every heart you slay

Of this, I have but one question
And I shall put it to simply this
Is it the attention that you want?
Or is it me that you miss?

I also ask that you answer honestly
Because more than likely I won't believe
When you say you love me
And yet you always leave

My HARDEST MOMENTS of my life
You left me so alone
For that I won't forgive you
For that, I can't condone

Don't expect me to come running
And don't expect me to lash out again
The simple fact of the matter is that I just can not abide
The pain you'll inflict again

And I know how sweet you can be
Firsthand, I know how your words can flow
Your words me nothing to me
It's your actions I want you to show.

So reply to this
With something other than the pretty words
Something true, something real
Something that will be heard

If not, than I shall know
Where your true loyalties lie
And in that case, ALL I have left to say you
Is Goodbye.